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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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For Kate please

Customer Question

For Kate please
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey Rose, are we up and running?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

No, sadly not, but I can’t wait til Monday, I need to talk. I’m feeling very unsettled tonight, heavy feeling in my stomach without a real explanation for it. I know I’m not feeling well today, but it’s more than that. I wonder if it’s bc I am feeling anxious about the social aspect of Christmas- I have been thinking of what excuses to make to not go to the Christmas Dos that we have been invited to. I have already avoided one occasion today, a Victorian Christmas Market that I have always been involved in. D was selling chestnuts this morning, and the kids went this afternoon; i stayed at home not feeling up to it, not wanting to talk. A Christmas lunch in a couple of weeks- D’s musician friends, another next Saturday. I have got myself in such a state in the recent past trying to make myself go, bc I have to go out again sometime. Now I try not to battle with myself, just say don’t go, no worries. But that’s too easy, I’m not trying. But I don’t want to try.

But I’m feeling lonely and empty tonight. Lonely like I did at Thanksgiving. I like being at home, I’m here with Poppy, Sam at work. D out since 10am. I don’t want to go out, but how can I spend the rest of my life like this? Will I ever be able to enjoy company again? Any signs of being outgoing that I ever had have gone totally. When do I put the pressure back on myself I wonder. I know I’m not ready yet, not at all, but when will I know? No-one will want to know me when the time comes, they won’t bother with me anymore. It’s silly that being with people scares me so much, socialising is supposed to be FUN! Dave and I are at total opposite poles, he can’t get enough of it.

Apart from not wanting to be with D AT ALL, being embarrassed by him, watching him drink himself into a stupor, the rest is about me. Me and my confidence and worth. About my expressive hangups, the whole of me curled up inside me, and my sadness. A state of mind I know, but I’m stuck in it.

D is just back, 9.15pm. I thought he was out all night, but it was only a practice this afternoon, the rest of the time was at the pub. he’s not had too too many. I hadn’t put him out any supper, I wasn’t expecting him home. We had pizza, salad, new pots. He doesn’t like pizza. He won’t bother with supper, it wasn’t there for him on a plate, he looked for it in all the usual places, I said salad in fridge, pots in pan, help yourself to ham, cheese etc, but he’ll do without, too much to get it himself.

I'm sad we can't talk on one thread, I don't like putting out new questions. I hope you don't mind the lack of words in the post.

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I'm whinging, It's not good, I'm sorry, in one of my muddles tonight, not quite in control. Sorry

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I am sorry. I understand how you feel. But there is nothing wrong with you. I think in some ways you make expectations of yourself that need not be there. Yes, going out is sometimes fun. But most people who are introverted just don't like going out. They may enjoy a small gathering once in a while, but for the most part, it's draining to go out and be social. Being at home with the kids and hunkering down is a lot more fun!

 

I also noticed that every event you talked about had Dave involved. If he is going to be there, I can understand your reluctance to go. You are going through a very difficult time in your marriage and having to put on a face in front of everyone and suffer through Dave's antics is probably more than you can bear right now. You are pulling back from your former forced responsibility with him and it sounds like you are to the point you just don't want to put on the face anymore and pretend. But to not pretend means you would have to show your true feelings, which may feel too overwhelming right now. So going to these outings would mean forcing yourself to be extroverted, facing Dave and his issues on top of having to show others your true feelings about Dave. That is a lot to cope with to go to an outing.

 

I don't see what you are saying as whining. You are struggling to find your way. You are in a difficult position now and working to sort out your feelings. There is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out and asking to talk.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you for your post. I guess I should just accept that it doesn’t make me happy to socialize, especially until I feel stronger, and I shouldn’t put myself through the internal dialogue that always ends with high anxiety. I think my answers will simply be no this Christmas, without too much thinking, and just concentrate on enjoying the children enjoying Christmas, and make sure they are happy and do what they want to do. They are both excited, it’s so good to see.

As afore mentioned, Dave’s sister wants us all to go up after Christmas for her 70th on the 27th. We have always gone up just after Christmas, but for the last 2 years, when I wasn’t well enough for it. I have persuaded the others to go, but Dave didn’t want to be bothered without me. I will try to get D to go this year, maybe P will want to go to see her cousins, but that thought scares me too. Maybe I’ll check out the trains, I’d feel a little safer with his history of falling asleep at the wheel. I’m sure Sam won’t want to go- it’s his and his gfs anniversary on the 27th and they have plans.

I’ve heard from JA today, but still no joy- ‘ I apologize for any inconvenience but I will need to escalate your ticket to our administrative department. You will receive an email when they reply. Thank you for your patience.’ Patience is getting thinner! If you have an answer for me tonight I can pay by adding a bonus?

Sam is very down on himself today. I wasn’t up this morning, (though Dave was... miracles!) so he was up late for work and had to go without his shower. That means a lot to him. He was cross with someone in the kitchen not being the most pleasant, and was hurrying to get finished so that he could get home quickly. He was drying a carving knife, not concentrating, and cut his little finger deep, bleeding heavily. He was sat down, attended to and made a fuss of, which he hated, he said he felt such a fool. And then he was brought home by a staff member before he could complete his shift (he knew I couldn’t pick him up) When he got home he realised he’d not been paid for one of his shifts, and he had too much studying to do to go to his gf’s. So not a good day. We had a chat about the counselling and his CAMHs appointment this week. He said all this isn’t helping him feel better about himself. I did my best to help him understand it would help in the end. Poor Sam, I’m sad for him.

Well I’m glad the day is through; I have been proper poorly last night and all day today with severe abdominal pains and sickness. I was feeling unwell yesterday, but this was a surprise. I have just got up and had half a cup of tea and a couple of digestive biscuits (yes, I thought of you and your children!) but I am extremely weak and dehydrated. Boy, did I feel ill. I thought over and over, should I call the doctor, should I call an ambulance, but I just hoped it would go away. Dave was caring for a while before he went out at lunchtime, was keen to help me. He offered to make a call, but didn’t take control. Knowing that I would have been taken to the ward which I worked on, knowing all the girls, is what stopped me calling. But I seem to be getting better, so hope to sleep easy tonight! Poppy was afraid of me being ill, and didn’t like to hear me. She went to a friends house for the afternoon, good choice, but Dave severely laid into her for leaving me alone.

Another glass of water and a snooze I think,

Rose

I'm supposed to be giving K some feedback from our sessions this week. I made a start yesterday, but seem to have ground to a halt. I still have 2 days. What would be beneficial to talk about do you think?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I am sorry to hear that you were so sick all weekend. Stomach stuff is the worst. It's so nice when it's over. Sleeping always feels so good when the stomach finally settles!

 

Sam sounds like he had quite a day. I hope his finger is on the mend.

 

There are two instances of you feeling you don't have a right to get what you need from others. One is about the Christmas parties and get togethers and the other is with asking for help when you were ill. Both times, you need to have your needs met but feel it's not ok to have them met. You don't feel you want to bother anyone or impose.

 

Being submissive in your response to others is ok when you feel you are in danger (such as if Dave would threaten you physically) or it can be inappropriate to ask for what you need (such as at a funeral when the attention needs to be on the family of the deceased). But acting submissive in all responses in life lets others believe that we don't respect ourselves. We are basically not being truthful about our needs. When someone asks, do you need a drink and we say no even though we are really thirsty, it tells that person we don't know our own needs. It tells them we also will allow them to dictate our needs. We give away our power and allow others to decide who we are.

 

But this also comes with a price. Since you don't get your needs met when appropriate, you have to find a way to get them met in other ways. This can mean acting out passive aggressively, through manipulation, or anger.

 

It is important you get your needs met. This can only come when you make a decision to push through the barrier that prevents you from having your needs met. This barrier was put there by your parents. It's up to you to take it down. It is hard and takes some work, but you are already accomplishing this with how you have arranged the Christmas parties. You don't want to go and you are willing to allow Dave and Poppy to go with some revisions. That is perfectly acceptable.

 

With being ill, calling for help would have been fine. You wanted to feel better, the hospital would have had the medicine to help you to do that plus they could have provided the care you needed to help you get better. If you were still a nurse there, how would you have felt about helping a former nurse that came in ill? That should give you the answer you need to deal with the anxiety you felt about calling for help.

 

I am not sure what K means by giving feedback for your sessions. Can you clarify it some? I am happy to help you any way I can.

 

A bonus would be just fine, Rose. Thank you ahead of time!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you. Lots to think about there. Wow!

I'll try to sleep now

goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good night Rose! I hope you are feeling much better and sleep very deeply tonight. I'll talk with you tomorrow.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

I'm feeling rather despondent that JA haven't sorted out my sub yet, I feel like giving up, but I can't, that I know for sure. I have emailed twice so I'll just wait and see.

I'm not my best today, but had 2 hours at my aunts trying to sort out her papers, followed by my long physio session. I shouldn't have gone really, was set to phone to say I wasn't well, but those feelings of doing the right thing got the better of me. It was an interesting session, about pacing, ie finding and maintaining a balance between activity and rest to control symptoms. Then we had a variety of exercises to complete in a 'circuit' training style. The physio is great, and knows exactly what I need. :) (He's rather handsome too!!!)

Dad and I couldn't find all the paperwork required for her tax return, but we did find plenty of final reminders of this and that which I will have to attend to on another occasion. The geri psych is doing a home visit on Wednesday, I offered to be there with her, she just thinks I'm being nosey, and didn't seem keen. But on parting today I said I'd probably be down to sort her house on Wed bc I'm with Alexis on Friday instead of tomorrow.

Sam had his counselling appointment this morning. He has just phoned me, won't be home tonight, but said he had to wait half an hour again, there was some sort of emergency, so he only got half a session. Poor Sam. He has another arranged for the New Year. He has his appointment with CAMHs tomorrow morning.

I did sleep well last night, (I had a little help- felt desperate for a good night) but was very sore from lying in bed and tossing and turning! I'm definitely feeling stronger today, but glad to be resting before the evenings chores. I don't even know what to make for supper.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like you have had a stressful day! Maybe some time tonight for yourself would help. Any chance of getting any?

 

It is good you went to your physio appointment today. It is hard to face those kinds of appointments (I had to push myself to go to see my doc today- just for a regular appointment) but you find that when you force yourself to go, you feel so much better later on when it's over. That can be the good kind of assertive. Pushing yourself to do a good thing for yourself. Plus a good looking physio therapist helps too

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Your aunt's situation is quite stressful in itself. I am glad you have some help through your father. But being a caregiver in any capacity is difficult. Try taking some extra time for yourself on the days you work with her. A balance in rest and work can help a lot.

 

I am glad you slept last night! You needed it after such a weekend.

 

That is a shame that Sam had to wait again. It should not be like that for him. Good for him though sticking it out and at least getting 1/2 hour. Hopefully, they will treat him better next time.

 

I am sorry that JA is not responding and helping you with this problem. Is there a higher level person like a supervisor you could talk with?

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

Thank you for responding................

I finally have the answer- 'I apologize for the inconvenience. There was an issue with reinstating the subscription on your account. When this error occurs the subscription is revoked and unfortunately we cannot re-instate it.



If you would like to ask questions on the subscription, you will need to open a new account on the site, when you have done this you can opt into the subscription from that point. Let us know when you have done this so that we can attempt to merge the two accounts so that you will have access to all of your old questions.



To open a new JustAnswer account you may need to clear the cache on your browser to prevent from being logged into your old account automatically when you come back to the site.'


I'm going to be busy for a while!


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh, I am sorry Rose! You must wonder if it's worth it all. How aggravating! This kind of stuff is not supposed to be hard to do

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If you decide to go through it, I'll be here. See you on the new subscription!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I would have given up last week if I could be without you. It'll be worth it, I'll be back later.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

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Thank you, Rose. I hope it's a smooth transition.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Well I've kind of had time to myself, but have been busy with the emails. Not quite there yet, I have a new account (you'll recognise me I'm sure), but I'm waiting to hear about the merging of my accounts if it's possible.

I'll have to leave it tonight, come back tomorrow bc It's sleep time. Sam has his CAMHs appointment in the morning, and I have an appointment with a chiropractor in the afternoon. Another busy day.

I'll make up the accepts to you asap.

Good night

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I'm glad to hear you are almost through this mess. What an experience!

 

I am anxious to hear how the CAMHs appointment goes for Sam. I'll say a prayer for him that all goes well, and for you as well with your chiropractor. This is the first appointment for you, right?

 

Have a good night. Sleep well.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm just back from town and anxiously waiting for my emails to come through to see if Adam had sorted me out yet. What a busy day, I'll tell you all later. I haven't had a chance to think about my therapy tonight, I should give it some time.....

No email. I'll just go to my new account and see what's happening,

Til later

Rose :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for the update, Rose. Hopefully, JA will get this straightened out!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Sigh.

I've got so much to tell you, but can't get going. It is late, what do I expect! My therapy was good, talked a lot about Sam and his appointments. K said I did well :), proud of me.

I'm missing you... haven't heard from Adam today (support coordinator).

Til tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, thanks for letting me know. I hope Sam was ok with his appointment and it went well.

 

Maybe we'll be able to chat tomorrow...

 

Have a good night,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Kate. I'm really missing you.

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Goodnight

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I miss you too. I hope your day is going well.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Kate,

 

you have cheered me.

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We say goodbye to Customer, and hello to blue! Keep a lookout for me, I'm switching accounts, still no subscription yet, but I have to get the account started first. See you later.

 

Rose

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey! Welcome Blue! I will look out for your question.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ah, shame the picture didn't come through, it was of red butterflies. Never mind....
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

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This site is fickle......

 

 

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