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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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My husband of 38 years is having an affair and this is something

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My husband of 38 years is having an affair and this is something that is just tearing me apart. We have been buying our retirement home and now I am just lost. I am so hurt, so angry and I am not dealing with this well at all. I have tried to read everything I can find but I am so up and down, back and forth. One day I want to file for a divorce and the next I just want him back. It will never be the same will it? I know that I will never be able to trust him again!
Don't know where to turn
Sheila L
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

Well, the sad truth is that it really never will be the same again. But that doesn't mean all is lost. If he wants to work on the relationship, it may be possible to rebuild into a relationship that is more than it used to be. After 38 years, you may have been taking each other for granted. From this point forward, that's one thing you'll never do again.

The most important thing you should do is find a seasoned therapist to talk to. You're going to need a neutrall person to vent to, reason things out with, and help you make a plan for your future. Your kids and your friends can't be neutral. Here's a link to help you find a therapist in your area: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php .

It's natural for your moods to be like a roller coaster. This is a type of grief that you're going through--you'll have a few good days, but then be hurt and angry again. Don't make any big decisions until your emotions have gotten more stabilized and you've had a chance to talk to a therapist. A helpful book for you to read is "Not Just Friends...Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323492000&sr=1-2

While it's comforting to read that you're not the only who has gone through this, it would be more to your benefit to work through this with an experienced counselor who knows the details of your situation and can guide you through to recovery....with him or without him.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I don't think this is his first affair...it's the one I have proof on. My daughter and her husband of one year went to see him and he brought the OW to meet them and then told my daughter "oh by the way...don't tell your Mom! Putting her in that position is almost as hurtful to me as the affair. Of course she stood up for me...telling her Dad that he either tells me...or she would.
I guess it might help if I told you that my husband and I live in different cities...six hours apart. He is a CEO for a hospital and I am a granny/nanny for my one and only grandchild. I had his blessing and support when I took this on and was planning on staying until she was one. My husband was fired from his job and moved to another city for a year and now works at his current job. The OW is 57 and also married but her husband lives in Mexico...or so she says? My husband has so many health problems and weighed over 300 lbs so he started walking and guess what...that is where they met.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

I cannot believe he introduced her to your daughter!

Does he know that you know about the OW?

Do you know if he wants to work on your relationship?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes he knows...he called and told me on Oct 30...my oldest daughter's birthday!!! He kept telling me "I've never been to her house"...well...I bet she has been to his/our house or maybe they meet in secret since it is a small town and he has such a high profile job. He told me that she had helped him with his drinking...he is supposed to get a pace-maker and even told me she is encouraging him to have the surgery.

His mom was married 6 times...when the kids were "in the way" she sent them to foster care...he will NEVER seek help...his problems go way back.

I think he plans on "having his cake and eating it too"...since he is the soul breadwinner I think he would be shocked if I filed for divorce...in fact...he told me if I did file that he could retire next year at 62 instead of working until he is 65...so I guess it's a win/win for him.

Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

I think your next step would be to make an appointment with the best attorney you can find, since he is already making threats of retiring. I doubt he's even considered if he'll be as attractive to her when he's no longer a high-powered executive making lots of money, and is just an overweight, retired man with a bad heart who has a drinking problem. (People don't quit for long just because someone asks them to. That's why most need AA.)

Since he clearly isn't thinking clearly, you have to protect yourself. Make it clear that having his cake and eating it too isn't an option, as far as you're concerned. It isn't worth three more years of income to stand for being treated as if your 38 years of marriage count for nothing. Don't let his threat stop you from taking steps to protect your own financial future.

He's not the only one who gets to make a decision here. You have just as much right to decide that this is enough... Even if you're not sure at this moment if divorce is the answer, consult an attorney before he changes/empties bank accounts, etc. Do not discuss going to the attorney with your husband.

He needs a wake-up call that he can't have it both ways. You've been through a lot of hurt, but now it's time to focus on your future--and he's lost the privilege of determining that for you. Please visit a therapist and work through the hurt so you have the energy to plan for the next steps in your life.

I wish you all the best,

Suzanne

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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