Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.
Well, the sad truth is that it really never will be the same again. But that doesn't mean all is lost. If he wants to work on the relationship, it may be possible to rebuild into a relationship that is more than it used to be. After 38 years, you may have been taking each other for granted. From this point forward, that's one thing you'll never do again.
The most important thing you should do is find a seasoned therapist to talk to. You're going to need a neutrall person to vent to, reason things out with, and help you make a plan for your future. Your kids and your friends can't be neutral. Here's a link to help you find a therapist in your area: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php .
It's natural for your moods to be like a roller coaster. This is a type of grief that you're going through--you'll have a few good days, but then be hurt and angry again. Don't make any big decisions until your emotions have gotten more stabilized and you've had a chance to talk to a therapist. A helpful book for you to read is "Not Just Friends...Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323492000&sr=1-2
While it's comforting to read that you're not the only who has gone through this, it would be more to your benefit to work through this with an experienced counselor who knows the details of your situation and can guide you through to recovery....with him or without him.
I cannot believe he introduced her to your daughter!
Does he know that you know about the OW?
Do you know if he wants to work on your relationship?
Yes he knows...he called and told me on Oct 30...my oldest daughter's birthday!!! He kept telling me "I've never been to her house"...well...I bet she has been to his/our house or maybe they meet in secret since it is a small town and he has such a high profile job. He told me that she had helped him with his drinking...he is supposed to get a pace-maker and even told me she is encouraging him to have the surgery.
His mom was married 6 times...when the kids were "in the way" she sent them to foster care...he will NEVER seek help...his problems go way back.
I think he plans on "having his cake and eating it too"...since he is the soul breadwinner I think he would be shocked if I filed for divorce...in fact...he told me if I did file that he could retire next year at 62 instead of working until he is 65...so I guess it's a win/win for him.
I think your next step would be to make an appointment with the best attorney you can find, since he is already making threats of retiring. I doubt he's even considered if he'll be as attractive to her when he's no longer a high-powered executive making lots of money, and is just an overweight, retired man with a bad heart who has a drinking problem. (People don't quit for long just because someone asks them to. That's why most need AA.)
Since he clearly isn't thinking clearly, you have to protect yourself. Make it clear that having his cake and eating it too isn't an option, as far as you're concerned. It isn't worth three more years of income to stand for being treated as if your 38 years of marriage count for nothing. Don't let his threat stop you from taking steps to protect your own financial future.
He's not the only one who gets to make a decision here. You have just as much right to decide that this is enough... Even if you're not sure at this moment if divorce is the answer, consult an attorney before he changes/empties bank accounts, etc. Do not discuss going to the attorney with your husband.
He needs a wake-up call that he can't have it both ways. You've been through a lot of hurt, but now it's time to focus on your future--and he's lost the privilege of determining that for you. Please visit a therapist and work through the hurt so you have the energy to plan for the next steps in your life.
I wish you all the best,