Tomorrow I go to see my therapist. I see her twice a week right now but where I live she is really only allowed to see each patient for a maximum of 90 minutes a week. I find that seeing her for a second time for only 30 minutes extremely difficult. It is just too difficult to get into anything to deep. However, for the past 2 months she has been seeing me for 2 hour appt's even though she isn't getting paid for the additional 30 minutes. I appreciate this a lot.
My problem is eventually I will need to cut back on the time I see her. I am having a great deal of difficulty getting through the week without seeing her twice. Obviously I am hopeful that this won't always be the case but that is how it stands right now.
I wish I knew how to deal with my feelings. I tend to connect certain things with my attacker. For example, and I hate even writing this word but here goes.....knife. I associate that word with something very bad since he held this object against my body while assaulting me. I have hardly used one since the attack and that was two years ago!
There are many other object that create the same problem for me. Right now, we are working on the above mentioned item by using one for something simple like spreading jam on a piece of toast. I guess normalizing it for me. But to me, I feel so overwhelmed because there are so many bad reminders for me. My therapist says we will just take one at a time until I take back control of my life and become the Kathy that I used to be. Much more carefree and light-hearted.
It saddens me that he still holds so much control over my life. It seems like I have a mountain to climb and it is very steep. I want to get better not only for myself but for my daughter too. However, sometimes I just feel so sad
and tired. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling sad. Tired of not having control of my own life. Tired of so many things. Then I just think that I will never see a light at the end of my very dark tunnel.
Well that's it for now. Thanks as always for any thoughts you have.