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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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i am an a emotinal and verbally abusive person when it comes

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i am an a emotinal and verbally abusive person when it comes to my wife how do i stop and save my marriage?  I am already seeing a counselor, but was unsure at what else i could do.

AgapeDoc :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer...

AgapeDoc :

It is my intention to answer your question and exceed your expectations. If you are satisfied with my efforts will you remember to click on the green accept button?

AgapeDoc :

OK... I can see you are offline. Let me go ahead and see if I can answer your question with what you have posted so far.

AgapeDoc :

I have read your post and what you have already tried and I think I can help sort some things out for you.

AgapeDoc :

I am happy to see you are a Christian man :) Additionally, I must say that you have made great progress already - specifically that you have identified the problematic behaviors and are willing to admit that those behaviors were indeed problematic.

AgapeDoc :

Furthermore, that fact that you are seeing a counselor speaks volumes in your favor in terms of wanting to improve the situation - not to mention willing to change. It's one thing to want, but it requires much more commitment to be willing to change :)

AgapeDoc :

So, your question specifically is what else can you do to.....

AgapeDoc :

Well...first of all I presume your counselor is competent and hopefully has credentials such as a license, etc. and is maybe even a Christian Counselor - so I would say to follow his advice, do the homework he assigns, and so on.

AgapeDoc :

Then I would suggest that you start to think about the things that you did that were not abusive and even though you are separated do more of those kinds of things. This is the philosophy of Solution Focused Therapy - ask your counselor about it and do some research on it - I believe this will help tremendously :)

Customer:

she is not really adressing that specific issue, more on focusing how to change my thinking on how i think of certain promblems, to have quality questions (as she would say) that are positive.

AgapeDoc :

Before I go on, I must sort of correct myself a little here... I neglected to be specific enough in the beginning to point out the power of prayer - Keep praying and asking for guidance... The Holy Spirit is the ultimate Counselor!

Customer:

i didnit know if they were work books or something i could do to make sure that i never go back to that behavior, and some how be able to show my spouse i am able to change, over phone conversationjs

AgapeDoc :

Ok... I'm glad you posted that - I was just getting ready to recommend a fabulous book...

AgapeDoc :

I suggest you buy two copies of a book called The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Give one to your wife and you read the other copy. Do it as a study guide together.

AgapeDoc :

This one thing has helped and even brought back so many couples and made their lived so much richer. Chapman is a Christian man and this book has not only saved so many marriages but also has shown couples how to live the most fulfilling lives.....

AgapeDoc :

Finally as an added bonus....

Customer:

i have that book, and my wife has already read it, and would love to do so, except my wife has told me the the move is permanet, but she is in no hurry to file papers and is willing to talk every week and a half.

AgapeDoc :

I see.....

AgapeDoc :

I didn't know that she had said this is permanent - nonetheless, that could be her emotions speaking - many people have said such things and have been persuaded to reconsider given the right circumstances....

Customer:

she asks me tons of questions on how im trying to change, and is seeking God on her decisions, but feels that this is the right decision, im hoping with time and her willingness to talk to me that she would be able to change her mind

Customer:

your right and that is my prayer

Customer:

my main goal right now is to eradicate that abusive side so if she comes back, she is not coming back to the same nonsense

AgapeDoc :

I must say that I am glad that she (please understand what I'm about to say) would not tolerate being in an abusive relationship and has taken strong measures to deliver that message.... You can see what I'm saying I hope - you do love her and wouldn't want her to be in an abusive relationship with anyone not even you - I can tell by what you are saying here :)

AgapeDoc :

So... I don't think all is lost.

Customer:

i agree the best thing she ever did was leave me, i never would have woke up otherwise

Customer:

i just dont think this has to be a marriage killer

AgapeDoc :

I agree that this doesn't have to end your marriage - I suggest that you use a pen and paper to write to her - forget E mail, and phone calls or even writing on a computer... use pen and paper....

AgapeDoc :

Write to her and bare your soul!

AgapeDoc :

This will be very therapeutic for you - kind of like journaling that we sometimes do in counseling...

Customer:

for sure i have already written to letters that were very emotinaly drainig for me, the promblem is she is having a hard time trusting anything i say, and every time i try to write another one i feel like im saying all the same stuff

AgapeDoc :

And it will be a way you can talk to here in a very intimate way - there is something very strong about the written word that we have in some ways lost touch with in this electronic age...

Customer:

i strongly agree

AgapeDoc :

OK...

AgapeDoc :

I must tell you that it seems that the first things I mentioned are even more true now - you are making much better choices than most people I deal with in your situation...

AgapeDoc :

The only other things I could suggest are for her to join you in counseling or for her to see a counselor on her own. Seeing a counselor on her own will help her deal with which ever decision she makes - whether to end the marriage (of course not what we want!) or to start to rebuild the marriage :) If you want a guarantee that you will not fall back into the problematic behaviors you displayed before - the only thing I could suggest is that you continue in counseling after you get back together (maybe not every week, but periodically) and stay involved in church.

AgapeDoc :

Finally, you may just have to continue doing what you are doing - the things we discussed here are very good- and give her some more time. Be patient and faithful.

AgapeDoc :

I will be praying for you.

Customer:

that is my plan, i agree with her seeing a counselor on her own but my suggestion dont hold alot of wait, i will read the 5 love languages and take a chance and see if she would like to study with me, ty for the talk at least i know that i am doing the right things

Customer:

prayer is probably the most important thing right now i really appreciate it

AgapeDoc :

Yes, you are doing everything I would suggest to someone in your situation. If you have more questions please post them here. However, if you are satisfied with my efforts, please dont' forget to click on the green accept button because I need to get credit for my work. Also, of course you don't have to but, if you could take the time to provide feedback I would really appreciate it.

AgapeDoc :

God bless

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