Hey, I like your title! I'm ready when you are. I'll be in and out now since I'm home and it's bus stop time. Then dinner. But I will keep checking for your post.
Ok talk to you later,
Here is a copy of my last post:
I noticed that JA is sending three copies of your post to me too. Strange. They have been having glitches a lot lately it seems.Struggling to get out of the box is ok. It is actually good! It will get easier with time. That is why I was so glad you made the effort today with Jo and that she was so nice to you. It gave you a chance to see that getting your needs met does not end like your parents taught you- with you being considered bad and unworthy.Thank you for explaining Toad in the hole and providing a picture. I've never heard of it but it sounds good. I'll have to try it. I have two sausage fans here so they would definitely take to it!Broccoli in your face- I hope that isn't what I am thinking it is. That would not be good. Let me know what happened when you get a chance.Kate
Ok now for the new-
I think it sounds like you are not interested in being your aunt's carer. If it feels like a burden, then it may not be what you want. You mentioned wanting back into nursing and it seems that is what you would be happy with. There is nothing wrong with saying no to your aunt. How do you feel about telling your family that you cannot help right now?
What you can do to help yourself is list the good and bad of helping out your aunt, if you feel you need justification for your answer, either way. If you write it out, it will make it clearer what you want to do. We can even do that here if you want.
Helping your aunt involves looking through her papers. Unless you are a thief, I think you'd be bothered by that! But if your aunt can't do it and you have power of attorney, then it leaves you little choice. There is no way around it. Just the fact that you are uncomfortable about it says you are a moral person. No one can question that. What do you feel when you are faced with looking through her papers?
Dave sounds like he spends more money than he earns then he spends yours! How do you feel about it? What do you feel about saying yes or no to Dave's new idea? How about saying the same about him taking your money?
Good night. I hope you sleep very well. You are always in my thoughts.
I hope you are deep in zzzzzz's by now! I'm about to turn in myself.
No I didn't get the last post, sorry. The system must be experiencing bugs. Hopefully, they will work them out soon. Do you still have them somewhere? Maybe try again?
I'll talk with you tomorrow,
Hey Rose, I got the post- Yay! I need to run off to do another question real quick and I'll be back. JA system won't let me clear my questions so I can work on the ones that come up- grrr!
I hope you are feeling a bit better by the time you get this post. I am sorry you have to suffer with such pain. I can't imagine how hard that is to live with.
So Dave is being a bully again. I definitely do agree with you on Poppy's situation. Your thoughts on the matter of Poppy and how to handle her conflict with playing at school are very level headed and make a lot of sense. Dave seems to have his own agenda about it (I know, very typical!) and uses any conflict as a way to vent his own needs. He does not look at it from all sides like you do because other people's feelings do not matter to him. He also does not find a solution that works for Poppy that is the least painful and non confrontational. I was impressed with your insight on his behavior. He does sound like mostly talk, though I've noticed that when it comes to you, he seems much more willing to cross into dangerous territory. Coming so close to you yelling in your face is uncalled for. It is confrontational behavior meant to intimidate and frighten. Very bully like.
All talk, no action usually indicates someone who pushes their own agenda but is not willing to back it up. Dave probably talks so loud because he insists on being heard and doesn't want anyone to be able to tune him out. It is sort of related to the authority issue. If he talks the loudest, he must be the most knowledgeable even over any authority in the room. It also makes others listen to him since they have little choice. And finally it serves to frighten people so they are fearful of confronting him, making him appear always right. Many people seeing yelling loudly as the step before physical violence so they back off or submit when they hear it. I think it is probably part of the reason you feel traumatized. Listening to that all the time would set your emotions on edge and you would always feel the need to be on alert. I think it's part of the reason you crave so much time alone. To process the yelling and verbal violence takes a lot of energy. Add it to the bullying, demands and dependent behavior he pushes on you, and that is a recipe for exhaustion.
I hope Sam was able to make his appointment and hasn't developed a resistance therapy. It was so important that he was engaged during the first appointment and now the therapist has ruined that chance. It's something about my profession that gets me hot under the collar- therapists who are careless with a person's feelings. Another grrrr!
The Just Answer system makes me answer waiting questions before I can answer others, even if it's someone I talk to all the time like you. So if I get a slew of questions, it can take me a while to get through them. It's something we are all trying to change, but no luck so far!
Ahhh, so Dave plays it more safe by keeping his yelling and opinions to people who he feels will tolerate it. How do you feel about him crossing boundaries like that with you?
I think your feelings with your aunt are very normal. Anyone would feel that way. There are many articles and books on how to talk to your parents about their finances which shows it's a hard topic that many people do not know how to navigate. It is not a comfortable topic. But there is little choice if she cannot do it on her own. Do you feel comfortable telling her that you are "sorry you have to do this and invade her privacy but it's needed" sort of thing?
I am glad the book is helping! Let me know how chapter 2 goes.
I don't have to do a certain number of questions on JA per day. It's as many as I can answer and also how many are available. Sometimes, especially lately, the queue is very low so you have to wait for questions to become available. I'm not sure if that is true in the medical queue since I only have access to my categories.
I was pretty intimidated when I started JA too. It takes a while to get used to answering questions and figuring out what works for people. But after a while you get very used to it. They also have an Expert's forum to turn to as well as moderators if you have a problem or need a question answered.
I am glad to hear you have the house to yourself tonight (i.e. without Dave). It sounds like you are having fun!
It is sad that Dave does not help you support the household and ends up taking from you, money you need, so he can have fun. Again, reminds me of a teenager. I understand that you feel obligated to share with him since you are married to him, but many couples have separate money accounts and choose how to spend their own income. It is about what works for you, not following the rules. You are not obligated to share anything with him. As long as the bills are paid, you should be able to use your own income as you see fit.
Hiding your money is a good idea. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to save for yourself and the kids. Also, you deserve to spend your money, or save it, as you see fit.
So Dave doesn't bring in much income, uses your money that you worked to earn, spends most days playing and now wants to rent a space? On top of that, he doesn't let you have a say so in it? That doesn't sound very fair to me. If you are obligated to share your income with him, then he shouldn't he be obligated to include you in decisions that involve money?
I think your list is perfect. And you are right, he probably will not be able to make those changes. But asking him to is a good step. It does give him a chance to change. And even if there is a small chance, it is worth it. But it also gives you reasons to go if you decide to. He cannot say you didn't try to work with him on changing. It makes it more than fair and equitable. How are you planning on presenting it to him?
I hope everything turns out ok tonight and Dave comes home safe. Sorry you need to worry like this Rose.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX hard work being married to Dave! He was brought home sometime after midnight last night, someone had sense to give him a lift. So his van was left at the pub. Can you guess how convenient that was for him? Yes, he's there now, I dropped him down to pick it up 3 hours ago. He was still snoring at midday, but I woke him. I'd made a list of things that I wanted him to do for the household today. I thought, start as you mean to go on- but He wasn't pleased to see it. They were easy to do- carry recycling down to bins, clean verdigris off the decking (deadly slippery when wet), put curtain poles up in Sam's room, cut a piece of ply to double skin Sam's door. He managed the first for me- I didn't ask him to sort it, so he didn't-, then he ground to a halt! He spent half an hour sorting some wood out for our fire, had lunch by the tele, then went out. So I didn't do very well there. I wanted to have a list bc it's easier than asking him face to face, and he can't blank me and walk away. I knew that he would read it.
My aunt is in hospital, she had a hypotensive episode (blood pressure drop) while shopping with my other aunt. I can see benefits from having this admission, as they won't release her 'til they know things are set up at home. That might mean an OT will do a home visit with her and insist on hand rails by the stairs (she has a piece of rope at the moment), amongst other things. I have asked Claire, a UK lawyer here on JA, whether I can go against her will if she refuses to let me deal with her paperwork. I am waiting for a reply.
I have Poppy's blind albino budgie sitting on my shoulder making a lot of noise! I put him out with the rest this morning, give him some company (he was calling to them) but Poppy said he wasn't happy. He's happy now! I post a pic.
Not sure who that is holding Casper though..... (how do I edit... um..!.)
Tea calling. Hope you're having a good Sunday
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. It's been a busy day today (no rest for the weary!) and I just got a chance to sit down now.
I am sorry to hear about your aunt. I hope she is doing ok and gets better soon. I do agree with you that this may be a blessing in disguise in terms of her getting services set up at home. Let me know how she is and what Claire says when she writes back.
It's good you gave Dave the list. I agree, it should be a better way for you to communicate your needs to him. Whether or not he follows through is another story, but at least you have made a good effort at getting his attention.
I am glad he made it home last night in one piece. I know that worries you very much.
Thank you for the picture! Awww, cute budgie! Nice owner too You look great, Rose. It's nice to see you.
I hope your day went well. I imagine you are probably headed to bed if not there already. I'll talk with you tomorrow. Good night!
What's going on? You sound very upset. I hope you are ok.
Is this about Dave? Or work?
You will be ok Rose. This is a growing time for you and it can sometimes get overwhelming.
This is only your second Physio class, right? I would give it more time than that. It takes at least several to just see results I imagine. It is that way with physical therapy, which I have had before. I thought it wasn't working either, but it did. It just took a while. It's easy to become discouraged but hang in there, it will help you. Even if it did not, the doctor would find something else that would.
This is a pivotal point in your life. You are gaining insight into your self and your marriage. Making changes is not easy in any situation. You've gotten this far trying to work with what you had and go with the flow. But it has made you miserable. So now you are working on changing. It takes time to make a huge change like this however. Very few people just up and leave a relationship, especially when there are kids involved. People who want to do it right take the time to work through it.
Your sister is not emotionally involved in your marriage. She sees it from the outside looking in. It is easy for her to say hurry up and get out. She would not be making the hard choices and having to recover and start a new chapter of her life. This is about you and what you can do right now. If you feel you want to leave, you can do it when you are ready.
If you left your marriage, you would be able to be happy. You would adapt to the new life and learn ways to cope. You are smart and able to handle anything. Doubting yourself is normal. It's ok to think through your doubts and other feelings about leaving. No one knows the future. But staying where you are is making you unhappy.
Be good to yourself and take the time to pamper yourself tonight. This is not easy and you need extra time to work it through.
That is not easy news to hear, Rose. No one wants to be told they will be living with chronic pain the rest of their lives. It can be overwhelming to hear that.
There is nothing wrong with complaining. You need an outlet right now and complaining is healthy. Yelling, being angry, crying are all acceptable too. It is all right to fall apart for a while after hearing such news. Most people do when they hear bad news. It takes time for your mind to adjust and get used to the idea. That is why I suggested you take some time tonight to give yourself a chance to think.
Keep in mind that this is an opinion. There may be other options for you. I don't know how much you have looked into chronic pain yet, but here is a resource for you:
This is an American site, but it may have some information for you. It also has support groups. It can help a lot to talk to others who have lived with chronic pain for a while. It will also help you find other options and maybe some hope.
You are doing fine, Rose. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to be human. This will pass and you will feel better when you give yourself time to adjust.
Rose, you will be just fine. I would not say that unless I believed it.
You are already true to yourself, you just cover it up with all the insecurities and self doubt that you learned as a child. Underneath all that, you are perfectly normal. But your thinking gets skewed because you question yourself (you can't be ok because Mom didn't let you think you were ok) and allow others to tell you who you are (because of what you learned as a child). This is all early training by your parents. But this is unhealthy thinking. You already know what healthy thinking is. All you need to do is break the training you had and replace it with healthy thinking.
Courage does not mean you are not afraid. Everyone who faces a big decision like this feels fear. They also feel indecisive and unsure. If people could makes decisions without fear and indecision, life would be easy. Your doubts are nothing more than that, normal doubts.
You already know what you want. There are no guarantees your life would be wonderful or that you would be happy if you left. All you know is that you are unhappy now. And you also know that you are so unhappy you are willing to leave just on the chance you could be happier. Living with Dave has taken a toll on you. Life with him is about your old self, the person who was abused as a child and told they are worthless. Dave confirms that belief by how he treats you. But you are growing. You are no longer that person. Dave and his behavior no longer fit who you thought you were. You have started to notice how he treats you and you have realized that you don't deserve to be treated this way. That is the new Rose developing, like a butterfly coming out of it's chrysalis.
Good night Rose. You are in my prayers.
Rose, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope it works out and it's nothing permanent. Let me know when you hear back, if you can.
Whew! It's good news that we can still talk. I hope our contact doesn't put too much of a burden on you. I will try to provide an info request when I can. JA frowns on too much of that but I'll do my best :)
I don't think they would try to move you on. You are a good customer to them!
Have a good session with K,
I'm glad you had such a great session and that K was there for you. You've had it rough lately and I bet it felt good to talk.
It sounds like you've had quite a go around with JA! Whatever you work out I'll go with. It can be a complicated system, I know.
I can't recall where that was, but I do recall you saying it.
Good night, Rose. I'm glad we can still talk.
I am happy we can still talk too, Rose. It was a bit tense for a while there!
It's wonderful that your mom was so supportive! It was a big step for you to come right out and tell her about Dave. It was a very brave move on your part. You are really breaking through a lot of the old dysfunctional rules set by Dave and making your own. How do you feel about it?
I agree, it is so good to see you have a friendship without having to worry about someone's emotional demands. Paul seems like a wonderful guy.
I'll be around the usual time if you would like to talk. Have a good afternoon!
I got a request from you but the question was closed when I went to answer it. Did you need to ask again?