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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate, new thread for more baggage

Customer Question

Hi Kate, new thread for more baggage.
I know you have responded to my previous thread, but I can't gain access to it to check it out! :(

 I'll ask JA to email it to me again.

Rose
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey, I like your title! I'm ready when you are. I'll be in and out now since I'm home and it's bus stop time. Then dinner. But I will keep checking for your post.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate, glad to be able to access you! (I can't get at my last Q again...)

Catch you later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ok talk to you later,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

it's good to relax at last and have a chat with you. I wish my threads wouldn't seize up, but I had a feeling we were heading for a new one last night. It's annoying bc I can't read back to make sure I haven't missed anything. I'll get it soon enough if JA send it to me- clever that! Can you still get at it?

You asked about last night’s discussion I believe!? Well, After another day of little work, he rolled in at his usual time of 7pm just as I was dishing up (late bc I'd been talking to you!!!!). As you know Poppy plays the violin, she has lessons outside of school, and she had managed to keep this from the music teachers at school bc she didn't want to play in the orchestra. At the end of last term the school music teacher asked the class if anyone played an instrument. Poppy put up her hand, and he asked her what she played and to what standard. She is accomplished for her age, and the teacher wanted her to play for the class. She isn't keen on playing for her peers, so declined. Her teacher told the head of music that she was a secret violin player, and she asked P to join the orchestra. She plays with a children's orchestra, so she said she would think about it.

Yesterday her teacher asked her to play in his band to accompany the school play. She asked me to email him to tell him that she couldn't make the after school rehearsals (ie she didn’t want to). Dave was just in the door as she was asking me. We had a discussion as to why she didn't want to play in it, and there was no pressure for her to take part. D seems totally incapable of talking in a level tone of voice, everything has to be said at 80 decibels. Poppy asked him to stop shouting. To my surprise he wasn't trying to persuade her to take part, but he was slamming teachers for asking her in the first place. He was insisting over and over and over (do you get my drift) that the teachers want to get kids in their orchestra to get brownie points, just to make them look good, have a good sound so that everyone will pat them on the back and say well done, don't you have a great bunch of musicians, on and on.... I disagreed with him, told him he was ridiculous to be putting so much emphasis on the teachers doing it for their own kudos, it’s their job, and if they are passionate about what they do of course they are going to search out players, especially good players who can lead their section and make a better sound. But Poppy didn’t want to, and that’s fine. D was telling her that she should stand up to her teacher, tell him that she already plays in a 100+ strong orchestra, she doesn’t need to be playing any more if she doesn’t want to, tell him like a grown-up, you’re as much an adult as he is, just tell him, and he’ll have to back off and not ask you again. I suggested D email him if he felt so strongly. P was horrified. He is full of talk and no action, always, all the time, we get it whenever he’s been drinking, he has something to say about someone, some group of people, civil servants, ..... teachers have had it a lot over the last couple of weeks bc they’ve been striking.

So, he hated me having my say, disagreeing with him, bc he was right (the kids actually thought it was funny, hearing him talk such nonsense), and that is when he venomously shouted back with a full mouthful, came rather too close for comfort.

I told Sam this morning that his tutor had emailed me to say that he had a counselling appointment this afternoon, and he took it in, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to him alone after getting home (his gf and 2 other friends came home with him) to find out if he went to it, or cancelled it. It was during a lesson, so I said if he wasn’t going to go he had to go and apologise and make another appointment. He’s out with his friends now, so I won’t get a chance til tomorrow. He was very hyper tonight.

I have another post in progress,

til later

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Back again :)

I feel lighter today than yesterday, relieved that I don’t have so many bad feelings to do with my work situation. But my aunt C phoned me the other night to ask what my work plans were to be in the New Year. I’m not sure just yet, but she asked if I would consider being my aunt A’s carer, as I’ve mentioned, she is now in need. Here was I a few weeks ago saying I needed to move on, find someone new for her, and now I’m being asked to be her carer. Well, you know me, I said I would give it consideration if she could find out how many hours she would be entitled to, carer pay (Social Services), etc. I seem to be taking 1 step forward and 2 back. This time last year I attempted to break from Alexis, only to be back on board after 6 months bc her mother told me she felt sorry for her having a carer she wasn’t happy with. I’m supposed to be improving my esteem and worth by returning to nursing and it’s just not working.

Aunt A is in need, and has been for longer than I realise, now that I have taken charge of her tax return. Her neighbour, who shares her accountant, told me that he was waiting for her documents so he could proceed. I told AA that I needed to look through all her piles of paperwork to find the forms and what is required by the accountant. She was very unhappy that I was to look through her papers, that she’d already looked in that pile the other day, that I would make her in more of a muddle than she already was, and what was I looking for anyway. How did I know that the accountant was waiting for her. I had to tell her that her neighbour had told me, and she wasn’t best pleased about that (mind her own business), but I had to tell her that there were stiff penalties for late tax returns. I couldn’t find a recent letter from her accountant, but I found last year's (she has years worth of papers lying around), so I took it and phoned him when I got home. He gave me a list of all the statements and pensions that he wanted from her, which will make it much easier for me to sort. I have Lasting Power of Attorney, but I still feel it is so wrong of me to be delving into her financial business. My dad has offered to do it for me, maybe it would be better. I will have to put the choice to her at least.

D was up late again this morning, not doing much work today, didn’t bother to feed the ponies, came in after dark, told me that he’s been visiting some friends who have an office in the village in some units that are occasionally free to rent. This is where D and his musician friends were recording last weekend, and he has his eye on an office that is just being used as a store room. He wants to rent it between him and the other 2 musicians so that they have somewhere to practice, and he has a room to store all his drums, and he can just leave them all set up to play when he likes. Here I have mixed feelings, –ve bc he will be spending more money that he isn’t earning (he’s out tonight, spied some cash I’d been paid by my aunt (yes, I asked for full pay!) that I’d left on the table in my bedroom, asked if he could have some to take out with him :( ~) but mostly +ve, bc he’ll spend less time at the pub (possibly), and he’ll be out, potentially spending less. Oh, and the drums won’t be in every nook and cranny!

Sorry, rather waffly tonight, no wonder our threads complain with so many words to drag around!

Time for zzzzzzzz, goodnight Kate, my cyber buddy :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Here is a copy of my last post:

 

I noticed that JA is sending three copies of your post to me too. Strange. They have been having glitches a lot lately it seems.
Struggling to get out of the box is ok. It is actually good! It will get easier with time. That is why I was so glad you made the effort today with Jo and that she was so nice to you. It gave you a chance to see that getting your needs met does not end like your parents taught you- with you being considered bad and unworthy.

Thank you for explaining Toad in the hole and providing a picture. I've never heard of it but it sounds good. I'll have to try it. I have two sausage fans here so they would definitely take to it!

Broccoli in your face- I hope that isn't what I am thinking it is. That would not be good. Let me know what happened when you get a chance.

Kate

 

Ok now for the newSmile-

 

I think it sounds like you are not interested in being your aunt's carer. If it feels like a burden, then it may not be what you want. You mentioned wanting back into nursing and it seems that is what you would be happy with. There is nothing wrong with saying no to your aunt. How do you feel about telling your family that you cannot help right now?

 

What you can do to help yourself is list the good and bad of helping out your aunt, if you feel you need justification for your answer, either way. If you write it out, it will make it clearer what you want to do. We can even do that here if you want.

 

Helping your aunt involves looking through her papers. Unless you are a thief, I think you'd be bothered by that! But if your aunt can't do it and you have power of attorney, then it leaves you little choice. There is no way around it. Just the fact that you are uncomfortable about it says you are a moral person. No one can question that. What do you feel when you are faced with looking through her papers?

 

Dave sounds like he spends more money than he earns then he spends yours! How do you feel about it? What do you feel about saying yes or no to Dave's new idea? How about saying the same about him taking your money?

 

Good night. I hope you sleep very well. You are always in my thoughts.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, me again, no zzzzzs yet!

Thanks for your post. Did you catch the one that came before my last post? I split them up bc there was too much for one.

Til tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I hope you are deep in zzzzzz's by now! I'm about to turn in myself.

 

No I didn't get the last post, sorry. The system must be experiencing bugs. Hopefully, they will work them out soon. Do you still have them somewhere? Maybe try again?

 

I'll talk with you tomorrow,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

Hope your zzzzzs were good! D came up this morning telling me that he'd been awake most of the night with a toothache, he keeps missing his dentist appointments without me to remind him! A while later he asked how my night was, I said Oh OK. He said he'd heard me shouting out in the night in pain, I'd forgotten the 2 times I woke for pills, and still I couldn't tell him. I'm just always OK. Now in Tescos again waiting for Poppy's rehearsal to finish, I've had a strong coffee, but hasn't helped me much. I usually enjoy coming here with my netbook and a coffee, but not today. At least my head is a bit calmer than last Saturday, and I'll not walk in front of any cars today! I'm looking forward to going home, D is on an all day session with his Morris Side, culminating in his favourite pub...

No worries about the post, here it is again: Talk later

Friday, December 02, 2011 9:35 PM (GMT/GMT)
Hello Kate,

it's good to relax at last and have a chat with you. I wish my threads wouldn't seize up, but I had a feeling we were heading for a new one last night. It's annoying bc I can't read back to make sure I haven't missed anything. I'll get it soon enough if JA send it to me- clever that! Can you still get at it?

You asked about last night’s discussion I believe!? Well, After another day of little work, he rolled in at his usual time of 7pm just as I was dishing up (late bc I'd been talking to you!!!!). As you know Poppy plays the violin, she has lessons outside of school, and she had managed to keep this from the music teachers at school bc she didn't want to play in the orchestra. At the end of last term the school music teacher asked the class if anyone played an instrument. Poppy put up her hand, and he asked her what she played and to what standard. She is accomplished for her age, and the teacher wanted her to play for the class. She isn't keen on playing for her peers, so declined. Her teacher told the head of music that she was a secret violin player, and she asked P to join the orchestra. She plays with a children's orchestra, so she said she would think about it.

Yesterday her teacher asked her to play in his band to accompany the school play. She asked me to email him to tell him that she couldn't make the after school rehearsals (ie she didn’t want to). Dave was just in the door as she was asking me. We had a discussion as to why she didn't want to play in it, and there was no pressure for her to take part. D seems totally incapable of talking in a level tone of voice, everything has to be said at 80 decibels. Poppy asked him to stop shouting. To my surprise he wasn't trying to persuade her to take part, but he was slamming teachers for asking her in the first place. He was insisting over and over and over (do you get my drift) that the teachers want to get kids in their orchestra to get brownie points, just to make them look good, have a good sound so that everyone will pat them on the back and say well done, don't you have a great bunch of musicians, on and on.... I disagreed with him, told him he was ridiculous to be putting so much emphasis on the teachers doing it for their own kudos, it’s their job, and if they are passionate about what they do of course they are going to search out players, especially good players who can lead their section and make a better sound. But Poppy didn’t want to, and that’s fine. D was telling her that she should stand up to her teacher, tell him that she already plays in a 100+ strong orchestra, she doesn’t need to be playing any more if she doesn’t want to, tell him like a grown-up, you’re as much an adult as he is, just tell him, and he’ll have to back off and not ask you again. I suggested D email him if he felt so strongly. P was horrified. He is full of talk and no action, always, all the time, we get it whenever he’s been drinking, he has something to say about someone, some group of people, civil servants, ..... teachers have had it a lot over the last couple of weeks bc they’ve been striking.

So, he hated me having my say, disagreeing with him, bc he was right (the kids actually thought it was funny, hearing him talk such nonsense), and that is when he venomously shouted back with a full mouthful, came rather too close for comfort.

I told Sam this morning that his tutor had emailed me to say that he had a counselling appointment this afternoon, and he took it in, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to him alone after getting home (his gf and 2 other friends came home with him) to find out if he went to it, or cancelled it. It was during a lesson, so I said if he wasn’t going to go he had to go and apologise and make another appointment. He’s out with his friends now, so I won’t get a chance til tomorrow. He was very hyper tonight.

I have another post in progress,

til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey Rose, I got the post- Yay! I need to run off to do another question real quick and I'll be back. JA system won't let me clear my questions so I can work on the ones that come up- grrr!

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I hope you are feeling a bit better by the time you get this post. I am sorry you have to suffer with such pain. I can't imagine how hard that is to live with.

 

So Dave is being a bully again. I definitely do agree with you on Poppy's situation. Your thoughts on the matter of Poppy and how to handle her conflict with playing at school are very level headed and make a lot of sense. Dave seems to have his own agenda about it (I know, very typical!) and uses any conflict as a way to vent his own needs. He does not look at it from all sides like you do because other people's feelings do not matter to him. He also does not find a solution that works for Poppy that is the least painful and non confrontational. I was impressed with your insight on his behavior. He does sound like mostly talk, though I've noticed that when it comes to you, he seems much more willing to cross into dangerous territory. Coming so close to you yelling in your face is uncalled for. It is confrontational behavior meant to intimidate and frighten. Very bully like.

 

All talk, no action usually indicates someone who pushes their own agenda but is not willing to back it up. Dave probably talks so loud because he insists on being heard and doesn't want anyone to be able to tune him out. It is sort of related to the authority issue. If he talks the loudest, he must be the most knowledgeable even over any authority in the room. It also makes others listen to him since they have little choice. And finally it serves to frighten people so they are fearful of confronting him, making him appear always right. Many people seeing yelling loudly as the step before physical violence so they back off or submit when they hear it. I think it is probably part of the reason you feel traumatized. Listening to that all the time would set your emotions on edge and you would always feel the need to be on alert. I think it's part of the reason you crave so much time alone. To process the yelling and verbal violence takes a lot of energy. Add it to the bullying, demands and dependent behavior he pushes on you, and that is a recipe for exhaustion.

 

I hope Sam was able to make his appointment and hasn't developed a resistance therapy. It was so important that he was engaged during the first appointment and now the therapist has ruined that chance. It's something about my profession that gets me hot under the collar- therapists who are careless with a person's feelings. Another grrrr!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

I hope JA aren't working you too hard. I never want to rush you, so no running on my behalf! No more grrrs I hope. :)

I am feeling better now I'm home, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX feel in need of a snoozzze! In a while. I'm glad you got my post. Yes, a bully, he is isn't he. All talk, yes, but only here in this house. It's always venting at us, never at what he's ranting about, I have suggested many times in the past that he should DO something about what he believes is wrong in the world, but he'd rather just let others take the lead. Definitely pushing his agenda without the backup. He absorbs all that is political, or debatable, forms strong opinions, and lays them on everybody who will listen, mostly within these four walls, or with Mark or Paul, maybe in the pub too, but he wants to keep them all on his side, so I imagine he is a little more reserved. If I want to counter any of his opinions, and sometimes I do try, the volume is increased, and he becomes repetitive and ignorant, and not allow a balanced discussion. And he is NEVER wrong, EVER. But one of his favourite phrases during such a session are 'YOU'RE WRONG'. All you say makes very good sense. :) And, yes, I have to be away from him on my own in my room (thank goodness for my room) as much as possible, whenever I get the chance.

My aunt. I don't know. It depends on how many hours she will be funded for; I feel I should at least get the ball rolling, create a care plan, look at her needs in greater depth, and set everything up. Once she is comfortable with what is being done for her, then I could find a replacement. But, looking through her papers with her sitting beside me, watching me, though I explained several times what and why, made me feel uncomfortable, nosey, that I was hurting her feelings by going against her best wishes, though she'd given me her half hearted permission to do so. I feel unjust having phoned her accountant without her knowledge, and she may wonder how I know what I need to find, but no doubt I will tell her bc I find it hard not to.

The plan for myself with returning to nursing was to give me more of a mental challenge, more of a buzz, mix with different people, feel that I am using my knowledge and skills more effectively. As well as making a better wage, so giving me more hope for a future on my own. I still have time to think about things. The prison job I applied for didn't come to anything. At least I have the application completed for next time.

I've made a start on 'Anxious to Please', wow Kate, it is SO pertinent I can barely believe it- it's talking about me, just me!! Chapter 2 tonight.

Hope you're having a fun Saturday.

Talk later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

The Just Answer system makes me answer waiting questions before I can answer others, even if it's someone I talk to all the time like you. So if I get a slew of questions, it can take me a while to get through them. It's something we are all trying to change, but no luck so far!

 

Ahhh, so Dave plays it more safe by keeping his yelling and opinions to people who he feels will tolerate it. How do you feel about him crossing boundaries like that with you?

 

I think your feelings with your aunt are very normal. Anyone would feel that way. There are many articles and books on how to talk to your parents about their finances which shows it's a hard topic that many people do not know how to navigate. It is not a comfortable topic. But there is little choice if she cannot do it on her own. Do you feel comfortable telling her that you are "sorry you have to do this and invade her privacy but it's needed" sort of thing?

 

I am glad the book is helping! Let me know how chapter 2 goes.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Do JA ask you to answer a certain number of posts a day? Can you just log on and answer when you have the time (I did look at it seriously, but it scared me rather. I had a look at the medical question list to see if it was worth me giving it a go- I even registered- but didn't see many at that time that I felt confident about.)

Guess what, I am sitting in the lounge with the tele on! (not that I'm watching it while writing to you, but it's Strictly Come Dancing, so plenty to listen to), AND I have a little glass of red wine tonight :) It's good to be using this part of the house for a change, Poppy is in the mezzanine on the computer, Sam at work, and D still not home. There is no dinner for him, he'll have to fend for himself. He's been Morris dancing this morning, followed by lunch at the pub.............

You asked me about D's spending back along... Wellll, yes, spending more than he is earning for sure. He is nearly up to his limit on his cards (total £3k), and to be honest I'm just waiting to see what happens. He still has invoices that need sorting, and until they are drafted, and I've typed them, there is no chance of him being paid. My side is just ticking over, despite less hours, and more household expenses. He pays the bills through his business,and I pay the rest. So, now he has his eyes on my cash, and gave me a jolt when he requested my earnings, resulted in a bad feeling for a while, but I quietly said he could- he said he only had pennies. What would have happened if I'd said he couldn't have it, did I feel I had the right to deny him? What's mine is yours 'n all that? I felt I couldn't say no, he knew it was there, I couldn't hide it- it didn't occur to me to hide it (it does now though). He was going anyway, meeting his musician buddies, but said he would only be an hour (fat chance). Poppy asked me at supper if I earned more money than Dad, I said I have been lately, she asked what he should be doing to earn more money, I said getting up earlier, working more hours, getting the jobs done that are lined up. She said and not go to the pub so much.

He is very excited at the prospect of hiring the office space for his drums and practices. He told me all about it with enthusiasm when home from the units yesterday (was it only yesterday?) There are pros and cons to his idea from my point of view, all pros from his. He needs to see if the owner accepts the idea, and how much the rent will be. He won't ask me if it's OK, he will expect me to agree. He will be very angry if I oppose it. If I insist he doesn't rent it bc we can't afford it he will be very unhappy, most likely bring his drums in the house and play them whenever he wishes to prove to me that his was the better idea. We shall see...

I've been thinking today that I want to give him an ultimatum in the New Year, in terms of 1. working to pay the bills, 2. helping with household chores (I asked him to empty the compost bin the other day, he took it, put it outside the front door on the doorstep. He walked past it twice on his way out that night, and back in. In the morning I took Sam to the bus and found it full on the doorstep. The yard is open to dogs, badgers, foxes, just imagine it strewn around the yard!) 3. Not coming home from the pub at tea time. 4. not Drinking and driving. There are many more to go on my list, but it would take JA a week to process the thread! Seriously, I think I'm open to seeing a marriage counsellor to give him one last chance. I don't think for one minute he will stick to my requests, and then I will feel justified in my next move, and I can tell Poppy, more importantly, that I have tried to make things more balanced for us all. What do you think Kate?

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I don't have to do a certain number of questions on JA per day. It's as many as I can answer and also how many are available. Sometimes, especially lately, the queue is very low so you have to wait for questions to become available. I'm not sure if that is true in the medical queue since I only have access to my categories.

 

I was pretty intimidated when I started JA too. It takes a while to get used to answering questions and figuring out what works for people. But after a while you get very used to it. They also have an Expert's forum to turn to as well as moderators if you have a problem or need a question answered.

 

I am glad to hear you have the house to yourself tonight (i.e. without Dave). It sounds like you are having fun!

 

It is sad that Dave does not help you support the household and ends up taking from you, money you need, so he can have fun. Again, reminds me of a teenager. I understand that you feel obligated to share with him since you are married to him, but many couples have separate money accounts and choose how to spend their own income. It is about what works for you, not following the rules. You are not obligated to share anything with him. As long as the bills are paid, you should be able to use your own income as you see fit.

 

Hiding your money is a good idea. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to save for yourself and the kids. Also, you deserve to spend your money, or save it, as you see fit.

 

So Dave doesn't bring in much income, uses your money that you worked to earn, spends most days playing and now wants to rent a space? On top of that, he doesn't let you have a say so in it? That doesn't sound very fair to me. If you are obligated to share your income with him, then he shouldn't he be obligated to include you in decisions that involve money?

 

I think your list is perfect. And you are right, he probably will not be able to make those changes. But asking him to is a good step. It does give him a chance to change. And even if there is a small chance, it is worth it. But it also gives you reasons to go if you decide to. He cannot say you didn't try to work with him on changing. It makes it more than fair and equitable. How are you planning on presenting it to him?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate,

just a quickie before I put out my light (sorry, no chapter 2 tonight). Getting anxious now bc D had been out since 09.30, probably drinking for the last 7 or 8. I don't know, no sign anyway, pubs are closed. Out with van, goodness knows what will happen.

See you tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I hope everything turns out ok tonight and Dave comes home safe. Sorry you need to worry like this Rose.

 

Talk to you tomorrow,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX hard work being married to Dave! He was brought home sometime after midnight last night, someone had sense to give him a lift. So his van was left at the pub. Can you guess how convenient that was for him? Yes, he's there now, I dropped him down to pick it up 3 hours ago. He was still snoring at midday, but I woke him. I'd made a list of things that I wanted him to do for the household today. I thought, start as you mean to go on- but He wasn't pleased to see it. They were easy to do- carry recycling down to bins, clean verdigris off the decking (deadly slippery when wet), put curtain poles up in Sam's room, cut a piece of ply to double skin Sam's door. He managed the first for me- I didn't ask him to sort it, so he didn't-, then he ground to a halt! He spent half an hour sorting some wood out for our fire, had lunch by the tele, then went out. So I didn't do very well there. I wanted to have a list bc it's easier than asking him face to face, and he can't blank me and walk away. I knew that he would read it.

 

My aunt is in hospital, she had a hypotensive episode (blood pressure drop) while shopping with my other aunt. I can see benefits from having this admission, as they won't release her 'til they know things are set up at home. That might mean an OT will do a home visit with her and insist on hand rails by the stairs (she has a piece of rope at the moment), amongst other things. I have asked Claire, a UK lawyer here on JA, whether I can go against her will if she refuses to let me deal with her paperwork. I am waiting for a reply.

 

I have Poppy's blind albino budgie sitting on my shoulder making a lot of noise! I put him out with the rest this morning, give him some company (he was calling to them) but Poppy said he wasn't happy. He's happy now! I post a pic.

 

 

Not sure who that is holding Casper though..... (how do I edit... um..!.)

 

Tea calling. Hope you're having a good Sunday

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello Rose,

 

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. It's been a busy day today (no rest for the weary!) and I just got a chance to sit down now.

 

I am sorry to hear about your aunt. I hope she is doing ok and gets better soon. I do agree with you that this may be a blessing in disguise in terms of her getting services set up at home. Let me know how she is and what Claire says when she writes back.

 

It's good you gave Dave the list. I agree, it should be a better way for you to communicate your needs to him. Whether or not he follows through is another story, but at least you have made a good effort at getting his attention.

 

I am glad he made it home last night in one piece. I know that worries you very much.

 

Thank you for the picture! Awww, cute budgie! Nice owner too Laughing You look great, Rose. It's nice to see you.

 

I hope your day went well. I imagine you are probably headed to bed if not there already. I'll talk with you tomorrow. Good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hello Kate,

Sigh.

I want to, want to write to you, but tears just come instead.

Please tell me about something....., anything, just so long as I can press accept. Please.

I'll try later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

What's going on? You sound very upset. I hope you are ok.

 

Is this about Dave? Or work?

 

I'm here.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I don't know what's happening in my head, I am up against a wall, I can't explain how I feel. I have been at my physio class today and I feel there is no hope for me to feel better. Now home D is still sidling up with Poppy, and I can't see out. And my sister is pushing me to leave him, and I'm feeling scared that I won't be brave enough to try to be happy, that I will die without knowing true happiness.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You will be ok Rose. This is a growing time for you and it can sometimes get overwhelming.

 

This is only your second Physio class, right? I would give it more time than that. It takes at least several to just see results I imagine. It is that way with physical therapy, which I have had before. I thought it wasn't working either, but it did. It just took a while. It's easy to become discouraged but hang in there, it will help you. Even if it did not, the doctor would find something else that would.

 

This is a pivotal point in your life. You are gaining insight into your self and your marriage. Making changes is not easy in any situation. You've gotten this far trying to work with what you had and go with the flow. But it has made you miserable. So now you are working on changing. It takes time to make a huge change like this however. Very few people just up and leave a relationship, especially when there are kids involved. People who want to do it right take the time to work through it.

 

Your sister is not emotionally involved in your marriage. She sees it from the outside looking in. It is easy for her to say hurry up and get out. She would not be making the hard choices and having to recover and start a new chapter of her life. This is about you and what you can do right now. If you feel you want to leave, you can do it when you are ready.

 

If you left your marriage, you would be able to be happy. You would adapt to the new life and learn ways to cope. You are smart and able to handle anything. Doubting yourself is normal. It's ok to think through your doubts and other feelings about leaving. No one knows the future. But staying where you are is making you unhappy.

 

Be good to yourself and take the time to pamper yourself tonight. This is not easy and you need extra time to work it through.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh Kate,

I've lost my post. Start again...

Today they said the pain is here to stay. If you’ve had the pain for longer than 3 months it becomes chronic, and the body alters the way it perceives pain, and the pain ‘gates’ are wide open and don’t know how to close again. They say manage the pain levels, build up your muscles to support the pain, relieve the pain, don’t push the pain, but you will not be free of the pain. That’s before I add the fibro. I don’t complain, don’t share it, who wants to share it, I just push through, but that is wrong, pushing through isn’t good, I should give in, ask for help, stop before it hurts. I ask Dave for help, but he forgets and I don’t ask again. I have had physio on and off all year, and I wanted this to be the answer, to find out why, but there is no answer, and all my hope that I had for the back specialist is gone (I saw her too today). We learnt that chronic pain causes stress, anxiety, depression, reduced fitness, weight gain, fatigue- that’s where I’m at. There’s nothing wrong with Dave, it’s all me, what’s happening inside my body and my head. It’s all happening at once and it’s too much for me, I’m getting confused. I thought I was straight but now I’m muddled. My GP won’t listen to me, when ever I tell her I can’t cope she sends me away with no change, and I feel lower and lower each time I see her. But I must STOP this now, I don’t feel sorry for myself, I mustn’t complain. It’s fine, I’m fine. What a lot of rubbish I talk sometimes.

Sorry Kate

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That is not easy news to hear, Rose. No one wants to be told they will be living with chronic pain the rest of their lives. It can be overwhelming to hear that.

 

There is nothing wrong with complaining. You need an outlet right now and complaining is healthy. Yelling, being angry, crying are all acceptable too. It is all right to fall apart for a while after hearing such news. Most people do when they hear bad news. It takes time for your mind to adjust and get used to the idea. That is why I suggested you take some time tonight to give yourself a chance to think.

 

Keep in mind that this is an opinion. There may be other options for you. I don't know how much you have looked into chronic pain yet, but here is a resource for you:

 

http://www.theacpa.org/default.aspx

 

This is an American site, but it may have some information for you. It also has support groups. It can help a lot to talk to others who have lived with chronic pain for a while. It will also help you find other options and maybe some hope.

 

You are doing fine, Rose. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to be human. This will pass and you will feel better when you give yourself time to adjust.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, You think I'll be OK? I hear you, I believe you. How will I know that being true to myself is the right way? What does that mean? What if I don't know what way that is, or my courage fails me.

Everyone tells me to hurry up out of here, my GP, Cathy, my neighbour, Sister(s), my inner self. He's not bothered about home, he'd sooner not be here, been to the pub already, not home til dinner eaten, 10 mins for his meal, then out again.

I don't want to settle for a mediocre existence my whole life, I'm not adventurous, but I want freedom to try to become who I am capable of becoming. I don't have dreams just yet, just the need for freedom. I feel I can't be free in this marriage. And I don't know who I'm capable of becoming. But I long to laugh, properly, be silly, have fun. Kate, I wish I could have fun. I must have had fun sometime surely. I choose to find happiness, I know it is a choice, I will try harder. But I am afraid.

The muddle needs sleep

Thank you Kate

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, you will be just fine. I would not say that unless I believed it.

 

You are already true to yourself, you just cover it up with all the insecurities and self doubt that you learned as a child. Underneath all that, you are perfectly normal. But your thinking gets skewed because you question yourself (you can't be ok because Mom didn't let you think you were ok) and allow others to tell you who you are (because of what you learned as a child). This is all early training by your parents. But this is unhealthy thinking. You already know what healthy thinking is. All you need to do is break the training you had and replace it with healthy thinking.

 

Courage does not mean you are not afraid. Everyone who faces a big decision like this feels fear. They also feel indecisive and unsure. If people could makes decisions without fear and indecision, life would be easy. Your doubts are nothing more than that, normal doubts.

 

You already know what you want. There are no guarantees your life would be wonderful or that you would be happy if you left. All you know is that you are unhappy now. And you also know that you are so unhappy you are willing to leave just on the chance you could be happier. Living with Dave has taken a toll on you. Life with him is about your old self, the person who was abused as a child and told they are worthless. Dave confirms that belief by how he treats you. But you are growing. You are no longer that person. Dave and his behavior no longer fit who you thought you were. You have started to notice how he treats you and you have realized that you don't deserve to be treated this way. That is the new Rose developing, like a butterfly coming out of it's chrysalis.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

you know so much, you are amazing. Thank you for talking tonight,

Til tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good night Rose. You are in my prayers.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh thank you Kate, sometimes I wonder at how I'm being cared for, how I deserve you. :)

I... um...
sigh

I can't talk for a while, um, JA have suspended my subscription. I'm writing from work, My head is in a spin, I can think of nothing else but not writing to you. I guess I have been asking too much to be talking to you so much, but I am so grateful to have been able too. Thank you...

I have emailed them and am waiting to hear from them, I hope I hear today.

I won't tell you how I feel, I'm sure you know

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope it works out and it's nothing permanent. Let me know when you hear back, if you can.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I can still write, use JA, but I have gone back to pay per answer. After thinking all day about it, that is all it is. So I don't have unlimited subscription, I have to restrict myself. I will write later, I can't not write, I'm free to do that, but I'll just say hi. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Whew! It's good news that we can still talk. I hope our contact doesn't put too much of a burden on you. I will try to provide an info request when I can. JA frowns on too much of that but I'll do my best :)

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes, phew, but it has taken an hour to get back on this page, it kapt giving me a problem with the website message, so I hope JA isn't trying to move me on. It's making me feel very anxious. Time will tell.

I'm seeing K later, talk after. :)

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I don't think they would try to move you on. You are a good customer to them!

 

Have a good session with K,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm done! A good session with less tears than usual, she tried to keep me upbeat today for which I was grateful. Mostly talked about Sam, my interview, work, the husband. I didn't talk about my feelings from yesterday, left them untouched. I copied a lot of what I have shared with you to a word page for ready ref in case I got lost. Makes good revision!

I've heard back from JA. they said I can reinstate my sub if i keep to one accept per question, so I'll have to change things a bit :(. I asked if there was a limit to questions, but no answer. I'll try again with that, I want to know the rules properly so I don't get it wrong again.

There was a message once somewhere hidden....more to be said....

goodnight Kate

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I'm glad you had such a great session and that K was there for you. You've had it rough lately and I bet it felt good to talk.

 

It sounds like you've had quite a go around with JA! Whatever you work out I'll go with. It can be a complicated system, I know.

 

I can't recall where that was, but I do recall you saying it.

 

Good night, Rose. I'm glad we can still talk.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I am so happy that I didn't have to lose you. I was very upset for a long while, scared, it still brings on the tears thinking about it today. But I feel better, more settled.

I met my mum in the garden this morning; she asked me all sorts about Dave. I have been completely straight with her, I'm done with covering him up. She wants him out.

I was changing my bed this morning, thinking how lucky I am to have my own room and space. I love it! It made me happy to tidy it, just mine! :)

I was meant to meet a friend for coffee this morning, just couldn't face it today. Mark came round as I was talking to my Mum earlier, just made an excuse to ask to park in our drive, then went to a job down the road. I know he came to see me, but I'm glad he couldn't stop. But I had a visit from Paul on Monday (do you remember Paul, a plumber who has MS?) I've been worried about him bc he wasn't doing so well when I saw him in July, and it was a long time without contact. I've texted him a couple of times, he said he was rather 'broken' (bodily), so I was very glad to see he was OK, as OK as he can be anyway. It's so nice to have a friendship with him without worrying about (personal) emotional needs.

I'm just talking Kate, no answer needed! But always good to hear a few words :)

I shall email JA again now, see what's happening

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am happy we can still talk too, Rose. It was a bit tense for a while there!

 

It's wonderful that your mom was so supportive! It was a big step for you to come right out and tell her about Dave. It was a very brave move on your part. You are really breaking through a lot of the old dysfunctional rules set by Dave and making your own. How do you feel about it?

 

I agree, it is so good to see you have a friendship without having to worry about someone's emotional demands. Paul seems like a wonderful guy.

 

I'll be around the usual time if you would like to talk. Have a good afternoon!

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I got a request from you but the question was closed when I went to answer it. Did you need to ask again?

 

Kate

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