Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
Wow! This is a multifaceted question. Let's try to look at all the sides of it and see where we end up. Okay?
The first thing we have to clarify is whether you should have done ANYTHING with her. From your feelings of frustration with yourself, we can assume that she has not made an attempt to repair the relationship in general, as witnessed by her not owning up to the fracture. I'm not a believer in cutting off family relationships. Physical abuse of that nature is pretty close, though, to my cut off line for total cut off of relationship. But you haven't totally cut off and I support that. It gives her a chance to try to repair.
Yes, it opens you to continual disappointment: another month goes by and she's done nothing. And you write that you tend to still hope: whenever you ask her for something you forget that she's abusive. Well, right. That's natural. When a child asks a parent for help, that's the natural order of the world, how things are supposed to be. So it's easy to forget that she has perverted that natural order.
And yes, I can see that would make you feel like you betrayed your justifiable anger and loathing for who she was and her lack of making efforts to repair it. But I believe that a person who still gets hopeful and wishes things were different is a better person than the one who's just become cold and hardened. I work with my patients to NOT become cold and hardened but to let their innocent desire, like when they were kids, still stay alive. So that they can be more emotionally full.
And yes, it opens you to hurt. But it's better to be opened to hurt than closed to feeling.
So we are left with you having acted honorably toward your friend to not take a loan you were unsure of and instead went to the mother you wish you had to ask for help. And you are upset because that was a pretense: she's not that mother. She's the abusive mother. And maybe you are absolving her and letting her buy you with money.
No chance. If she would use the money as an opening for repairing the hurt, what better result could there be? And if she doesn't, it was just a loan.
So, after all this, the conclusion is: you are right to be determined to pay her back. It's not a question of need. It's a question of you not letting this be a permanent part of your relationship with her.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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