Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.
I am sorry to hear about this situation with your grandson.
I have worked with Adolescents for over 30 years and this sounds like a situation where your gut is leading you in the right direction but as you continue to "walk on egg shells" have trouble communicating your true thoughts to your grandson.
From what you write, I would never suggest that you open your home to him regardless of how coy and manipulative he might be.
You would only be asking for more of the same and behavior speaks 10 times louder than words so that is my thinking about him.
So, what do you say to him?
Tell him in direct and forthright terms that "Living with us is Not and Option" and "You will have to find another alternative."
Indicate that you love him and want the best for him but you have your own life to live and he has to find his own way.
If he try's to manipulate you, stand firm and repeat "that it is NOT and Option."
You don't have to give reasons or explanations.
We live about 2 hours away. What if he says he wants to spend the weekend?
I would not open the door to him for any reasons. I think he does have a character disorder and a weekend is a slippery slope to a week, a month.....etc.
He has to understand "No" and if he can push limits to get what he wants, he will.
Tell him that you can meet half way for lunch or something like that.
This was my thought entirely. Thank you for your affirmation.
The following information will help you set boundaries in a loving way:
You are most welcome.
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