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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, made

Customer Question

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, made it through 2 years of long distance successfully and finally have the chance to be closer together as of a few months ago.
A year ago I stopped by a friends house after the bar who has been a long time great friend and friend of my girl friends to have some food. I neglected to tell her about this because I didn't want to hear a negative reaction since it was harmless and she knows we're good friends. I couldn't keep anything from her and ended up telling her the next morning and that almost ended our relationship. She took it real hard but with some time and me going way out of my way, we have stayed together.

Recently I have gotten involved in an industry which has a lot of females involved as well. I've always felt like my girlfriend has never completely trusted me but I have never given her reasons to feel that way. She was cheated on in a past relationship before us so maybe that's where it's from. I've felt very uncomfortable over the last two months with my new situation working with and connecting with females for business purposes only. I've felt uncomfortable because it's new to me and her and she questions me constantly and I don't feel like she supports what I'm doing and always seems suspicious. I've started to not give her details about who I am talking to always because I'm scared of the reaction or the feeling it will give me from her and all I'm trying to do is build a business.
This past weekend she grabbed my phone to start looking at who I've been talking to and as a reaction I grabbed it as I felt uncomfortable. I realized after doing that, that it was unnecessary because I have nothing to hide. We had a big fight and she was trying to feel ok with it. The next day I deleted two conversations with two females she knows that I felt like she would question my contact with them, even though it was just regarding the business, and that's it. I've never deleted a text in my life but just didn't want to hear the push back from her seeing I've been in contact with them, even though she already knew I've been in contact with them.
The last big problem happened the next day when she asked me if I've ever deleted any texts. I quickly said no, because up until that weekend, I never have. But then She lost it and I back peddled and realized, yes I had. She must have looked at my phone before and after I deleted those texts. I shot myself in the foot by doing that obviously. There was no reason for it because I have nothing to hide but was feeling so uncomfortable that I just wanted to avoid anything that may come from them being there.
She doesn't know if she can forgive, but I can not lose her. I love this girl and need to figure this out. Especially since in her mind, this is strike two.
What do I do to regain her trust?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 5 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. WELL!!!! Some difficulties here indeed!!! You are correct when you say that she probably feels this way because a boyfriend cheated on her in the past.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What is of great concern is how she is making you feel. Of course, you know that. That's why you are here with your question. You need to sit down with her and tell her how she is making you feel. That she is making you so...ooo uncomfortable and nervous even though you have NEVER done anything. So uncomfortable that you have to delete innocent things because how she carries on. What you need to do is tell her how much you love her but that the two of you need to get this worked out. Tell her that you have NEVER cheated on her but look at what she is doing and how she is making you feel and what she, by her behaviour is making you do because of how she is behaving. Again, say how much you love her and really want to work this out with her and would be willing to go to a couples therapist so that the two of you can reach a resolution about this.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see you went offline. I'll pause here and await your response to see what you have added to our chat. I'll check back again soon.

JACUSTOMER-d7oz6j18- :

THanks

JACUSTOMER-d7oz6j18- :

What if she is not open to the fact that I did this because of a way I was feeling. To her, it's black and white, I lied and she can't trust me

JACUSTOMER-d7oz6j18- :

How do I fix that?

JACUSTOMER-d7oz6j18- :

Dr. Shirley Schaye, are you still there?

JACUSTOMER-d7oz6j18- :

Hello?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi, you are not going to like what I have to say. But my ethical obligation is to be honest with you and to warn you of the difficulties you are dealing with with this person. Unless she gets help she will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be controlling like this. She does not take ANY responsibility for her own actions. Yes, I know you lied. Believe me I am not advocating lying --- No, No. That's why I am not lying to you just to give you an answer that I think you will like to hear. But does she for a second see the position she put you in? Please sit down with her and tell her that. If she is not willing to see what she does and the position she puts you in you are in deep trouble. You will live a life with her where she will be controlling your every move. Do you really want that? She needs to go for help. Yes, you lied but she was in the wrong, too. She boxed you into a corner.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Let me know what you think so we can chat some more about this. I will be at a meeting later this evening so if we don't catch up tonight, we'll catch up tomorrow. I hope you can see where I am coming from. I am merely trying to forewarn you. If she is not willing to do something you will live a life of hell with her --- just like what you have already described to me --- wanting to hide everything from her or not ever being able to do anything if a woman is in the picture. A N D I am certainly, most definitely am not talking about you cheating. I'm talking about what you referenced --- like what you said about your work and working with woman. Beware!!!!!!!!!!!!