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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Hi! I am 29 year old woman and I am going through a personal

Customer Question

Hi! I am 29 year old woman and I am going through a personal hard time for the last year! I had a relationship with a man that fell deeply in love with me while I was with another person. We fell for each other and things seemed so deep and the connection so strong that I decided to leave my previous relationship of 10 years and move definitely to the US to be with this person. Things were amazing in the beginning. He was a super active, joyfull person. He was sweet, thoughtfull and we talked about taking things to a more serious level. Suddenly, and after I visited my parents for a couple of weeks in my home country to figure out some legal personal and profissional problems to be able to come live in the US for good, he changed completely. He pulled away, became aggressive in the way he talked to me, our sex life disappeared and he never responded to my attempts, he stopped wanting to do anything and he finally said he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. This was all sudden and with a big, big change in his personality. I broke down and did a lot of things that I knwo were not right but I felt a lot of times that he was pushing me against a wall in a very sneaky way so you could never really point anything too bad at him... like he was trying to make things bad so he could have an excuse to leave. Ater all this story I have two main concerns. One is about me since I became very sad and I think depressed... I feel very dependent on this man that left me and that now moved to Canada. He left on August and I am still in the same state as when he first told me he wanted to leave me. What can I do to be healthy again? The other concern is about him... I thought at some point that maybe he is bipolar. CAn that be correct? How can I help him? I really worry deeply for him!

Thank you,

Ana Rocha
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am truly sorry for what you have experienced. I certainly cannot say whether he is Bipolar or not. Anyone telling you that he is would be in error since we know nothing really about him and so cannot diagnose him unless we did an in-person diagnostic evaluation. As for you, I think it would help you a great deal if you sought out a therapist so that you don't have to deal with the pain of this all by yourself.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

As for your concern for him, frankly I think you are being too nice. I certainly don't like how he treated you. How terrible and inconsiderate he was.

Customer:

That is what the people around me see too. But I really think the change was so sudden and so profound that it must be more than a flawed personality on his part.

Customer:

He had a lot of trouble with his family, namely with his parents divorce and a very aggressive and abusive behavious from his dad towards his mom and him and his brother.

Customer:

I am very concerned with him because I know he is now very lonely in Canada and the way I see him talking seems nothing like the person I met more than a year ago. He is always negative, aggressive and on the edge. And he was such a sensitive person and such a joyful presence. It seems like I am sseing a completely different person

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So that's probably why he got scared and ran when you were ready to be with him. It was safe before.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well, again, he's too scared to have an intimate relationship. He certainly needs therapy to work out the issues from his past.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Do you think he would be willing to talk to you or did he run away for good?

Customer:

I am sure he does... but he is very reluctant on going to find help in therapy.

Customer:

No...lately he can't talk to em at all

Customer:

he always ends up being aggressive and we always end up with him mad at me

Customer:

I don't know what to do anymore

Customer:

I like him a lot and I am concerned as a friend... I have no hopes about us being together, he moved for good. But I am concerned about his well-being

Customer:

In any case the fact is that while we were separating I became very broken, needy and insecure which led to him being fed up with me. I had a lot of melt downs and I think he grew tired of me and now sees me as just evil.

Customer:

So right now I don't know what I can do to help him. But I really think he has a problem.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

There is nothing that you can do to help him if he won't even talk to you. It seems to me from what you have said and that is that he saw you as broken, needy and insecure and that he got fed up with you, then the first step for you is to seek out a therapist and pull your life together --- who knows that may help him be less scared of you.

Customer:

Yes...I will definitely do that! Can you try to explain me why is it that, even though I was always very independent and joyfull, why it broke me so bad when this man pulled completely from me so suddenly? I feel like I became emotionally dependent of him.. I decided for a couple of times to not reach for him anymore, not to even ask him how he is, and I can never do it!

Customer:

And I was way less into this relationship in the begining than he was! He was the clingy, needy one in the beginning!

Customer:

Sometimes I describe it as if I have been sucked to this crazy emotional ride and in the end I was left alone riding it...

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hey, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. Who wouldn't feel the way you do when someone does to them what hew did to you. Yah, you're right on --- he sucked you in.

Customer:

I feel like it! But the strangest feeling is that in the end I am still the one looking for him to be ok with me. ANd he is still hte one angry at me! I guess I just need therapy!

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Sorry, it switched to Question and Answer mode. I had trouble connecting. We can now still chat, though. He doesn't deserve anyone like you. You are better off staying away from him. Yes, go to a therapist to help you move beyond him. It's awful what he did!!!!!!!!!!!!
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Let me know if you need a therapist.
I'll pause here and await your response to see if there is anything you would
like to add to this chat.If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have answered your questions, please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. Bonuses are always appreciated. You can always ask more questions after you have clicked on Accept. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I
will be the one to respond.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It would be great if you could help me find a therapist. However my situation is not very easy. I am a visiting research scholar in an university here in the US and I don't have at the time any medical insurance. Also I will be leaving to my home country probably in March next year. Would it be ok to see a therapist for such a small period of time? I hope so since I think I really need one to help me through this... I spend a lot of time with no energy and I only feel like spleeping. Also everything I do, listen to, or any place I visit always brings me to the good times with this man. I feel like I am obsessing about him a lot... I love him deeply still after everything that happened and I feel like I lost a soul mate. I miss to feel admired and appreciated like i felt in the beggining with him. It is very strange to feel like this...
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
What city, state and zip code are you in. I do think a therapist will help. Unfortunately, it is a short time but at least you will get started. You can always transfer to someone when you move.
If I don't find someone this evening, I'll look again in the AM and send you the information.
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am currently at Riverside, CA 92507. Thank you very much.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
It's getting late here. I will look a little. If I don't find what I want I will look again in the morning and send you the information.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Charlene Moskovitz M.D., Psy.D.
1317 W Foothill Blvd Ste 200
Upland, CA 91786-3674
(909) 981-4242

Don't know if this is close enough for you. If it isn't I will look again tomorrow as I will be signing off now. I'll check in tomorrow AM to see if this is ok.

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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
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Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
1423 Satisfied Customers
PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy