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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Hello, I am in the middle of a crisis with my husband, I need

Customer Question

Hello, I am in the middle of a crisis with my husband, I need some answers from somebody. For the last 4 years he has been having an affair, confronted daily by me, lied effectively, my two girls new as well (teenagers), emotionally and verbally abusive progressively getting worse throughout the last 10 years, now my daughters are teasing and deminishing me just like he has been. He lies so well, has been a workaholic in real estate, pushed me away continuously worse every day, I fought back to point where my health was in severe jeapordy, I need answers to classic textbook scenerios, he is making me feel I am going crazy, he doesnt realize the depth of harm he has done and denies almost everything, may even say to friends that I drove him to his affair, please can you help me find some answers
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what is going on with you. Let me ask you a question first before we get into a further discussion about all that is going on. What do you want to do? Do you want to leave your marriage or do you hope that things will get better and therefore want to stay?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi, I am truly sorry that you are going through all that you are.

Customer:

with all the mental abuse and the final blow of having an affair for 4 years with someone else and what things he has said to me, and the committment he had made to her by not showing me any affection, love, nurture, and disregard for me even though I knew all along, as well as my girls, he lied continuously so very much and came home every night for 4 years and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, except his aggressiveness and disregard for me. and because of this -mostly the way he has treated me and mental anquish- i really dont think i will ever be able to trust him again and take him back for more mental stuff, I have been living like I have a blanket over my head, I cant think properly, I cant speak, he cuts me off when i am speaking and has just left me feeling unworthy, defeated, and unimportant, I have been working with children with severe behavioural problems in public schools, and I see and know way too much. I feel I am going crazy and cant help my girls if he continues this control over me. Ironic isnt it

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

No, it's not ironic. When the blow happens to oneself, it throws you for a loop doesn't it? I think it would help you a great deal to seek out a therapist to help you restore your self-worth and to not have to deal with this all by yourself. It will make a big difference in your life if you have someone on your side and to help you move on away from him. I'd be glad to help you find someone if you tell me your city, province and zip code. You really do not deserve all this crap and you certainly don't desrve to deal with this all by yourself.

Customer:

I am seeing a therapist and she is helping me see that everything I am doing and saying is bang on, but he is too strong for me and really believes he hasnt done really anything wrong, I wish I could believe in myself strongly enough that ending my marriage to him would be the best thing for myself for sure and for my girls, but he is so manipulating, is there any way you can tell me classic textbook type a personality, workaholic, perhaps even physcopathic tendencies to see some evidence and behavioural patterns, so I can put some pieces together. I mostly am dealing with this by myself because over the years he has pretty much taken everything from me, and the few friends that i have left just cant believe because he is such a fun loving guy always centre of attention, we will be married for 19 years soon and together for 25 since high school. Do you have any info you can give me?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I cannot diagnose him online. All I can say is he is on some spectrum of personality disorder --- lying, cheating, being dishonest with you. Without doing an in-depth, in-person diagnostic evaluation I would just be giving you a diagnosis to make you happy with me. Sorry, I won't lie to you. But he does have a personality disorder. An honest, trustworthy person does not behave the way he does.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What you need to do is work in your therapy by working on yourself to feel strong enough to leave this abusive man. You are still young. You can work things out for yourself so that you can make a life for yourself with a man who could be loyal, honest, loving and trustworthy. You certainly deserve that.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Where in Canada do you live, by the way?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I am Canadian.

Customer:

I have asked him to leave about 9 weeks ago and now while he has hardly ever been there for my girls he is overcompensating now and wont almost leave them alone, kindof like he is manipulating them and I am scared because I have worked very hard bringing up my girls by myself and I have been protecting them but I dont know if I can anymore. They are very smart, and intuitive just like me and I pray every day that they will see through his manipulation. I honestly have spent every waking and almost every sleeping moment analyzing everything in the past and I (as much as I hate to say and admit it) dont think I ever really did trust him. and now reality sets in. I appreciate your responses and I am not looking for diagnosis, just information on the subjects so that I can make my own realizations, because I am so way too close and I believed in him and our marriage and family and life so much, my blinders were very shut, it is unbelievable to me that I have not seen anything sooner. I am in Manitoba,

Customer:

He has put me in positions where I have had to quit every career and job that I have been in because I have been shown by his actions that "I CAN'T" because of his working so much and physically and mentally I was not capable of doing it all and so it was always me who had to give up something. So that being said, I have no job, money, worth, confidence, identity etc etc etc

Customer:

We are fortunate that his hard work has paid off, we arent well off but quite comfortable, and I have basically been a stay at home mom for 16 years, my oldest is 16, but have tried to make some kind of life for myself by getting out into the work force and have always needed to quit out of pure exhaustion and I quess because in the back of my mind I always felt I needed to watch over my girls with every ounce I had so they would learn from me and not him.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How awful!!!!!!!!! Look, you are still young. You can pull yourself together. Do one step at a time. Don't move out yet. Go to therapy to help you gain your strength and let him pay for things. But in your head start moving in the direction that you and he are over... over... over... He is an A**hole!!! Sorry for my crassness.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

He's infuriating me!!!!

Customer:

I wont be moving out, trust me on that one. can you recommend some literature for me to read in regards XXXXX XXXXX personality traits questions, having your advice on good authors would save me some time, as I am always researching especially when I worked with behavioural kids, i found that it was always so helpful! I just feel like time is running out, because so much of it has been wasted already, but reputable authors names would help me even

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Frankly, I don't think that would help. I will tell you that you have been very masochistic --- so I would describe a masochistic personality --- probably came from your past --- your childhood --- allowing your husband to treat you the way he did all those years and you NEVER put a stop to it.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Masochism:
Current Psychoanalytic Perspectives

[IMAGE][SRC][/SRC][ALT][/ALT][WIDTH]128[/WIDTH][HEIGHT]100[/HEIGHT][STYLE][/STYLE][/IMAGE]




Just as psychoanalytic interest in masochism dates from the earliest days of psychoanalysis, the various approaches to its understanding have reflected the developmental vicissitudes of psychoanalytic theory as it moved from its early focus on instinct to considerations of psychic structure and oedipall dynamics, object relations, separation-individuation, self-organization, and self-esteem regulation, and as it progressed into more systematic investigation of child development. Masochism: Current Psychoanalytic Perspectives offers an updated review of perspectives on masochism influence by current developments in psychoanalytic research and theory. The newer emphasis on and investigations of early preoedipal events have, as Cooper stresses in this volume, provided a significant scientific and clinical yield. The application of these newer perspectives to the issue of masochism holds considerable promise.


Dr. Shirley Schaye :

This book may be of interest to you. But, you will be better off seeking a therapist.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'll pause here and await your response to see if there is anything you would
like to add to this chat.If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I have answered your questions, please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. Bonuses are always appreciated. You can always ask more questions after you have clicked on Accept. Just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You there?

Customer:

I guess I always believed that I have been through enough in my childhood and teens that nothing else could ever go wrong, and he was like my strength! thanks for your conversation and I will continue with my therapist and try to slow down a little, it is hard because every day something happens that throws another loop, but I know that time will tell and true colors will come out, especially now since i refuse to answer his calls or talk to him. he will get frustrated with me and then I will know what to do. Thank you Dr. Schaye, you just helped me slow down

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, I am so glad. Please do remember that I am here if you need me. All you need to do is put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to respond.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I wish you well. Hang in there.

Customer:

thank you

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
1423 Satisfied Customers
PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy