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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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My wife had an affair and it caused us to have a divorce. She

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My wife had an affair and it caused us to have a divorce. She is now planing to marry the same guy she had the affair with. We have a 3 year old son I am worried about how this will affect him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. How long ago was the divorce? Do you have joint custody or visitation with your son? Is this man living with your ex now?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We have been separated for an year. We have a 60/40 split we me having 60. Yes the guy lives with her
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
What are the relationships like with you and your ex, you and this man she plans to marry, and this man and your son?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We have been separated for an year. We have a 60/40 split we me having 60. Yes the guy lives with her. Me and my ex wife do not get along well at all. She continues to lie . I don't speak with the man she had the affair with. I personally don't have any problems with him I am just concerned about my sons emotional health. When she comes to pick him up he cried that he doesn't want to go so I take it that he is not happy there.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.

Do you believe this man is good to your son?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He has 3 kids of his own and my ex has a 12 year old daughter. I don't think the five him the attion that he needs. I am afraid that he will develop trust and abandonment issues.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He has 3 kids of his own and my ex wife has a 12 year old daughter. I don't think they are giving him the attention he needs. I am concerned that he will develop abandonment and trust issues
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for answering my questions. I can certainly understand your concern. Your son will probably feel even more lost is the family if they have a child. It is wonderful that you can be there for him 60% of the time to give him the special attention that only a father can provide. My advice would be that you, your wife and her husband-to- be meet a few times with a Marriage and Family Therapist to discuss parenting issues regarding your son. I know this will be difficult since you and your ex are at odds, but when a child essentially has 3 parents, it is very important for the them to have and civil relationship and good communication as this make the child feel secure. I would find a therapist first and then talk with them about it. Would you like me to recommend someone for you?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She will not attend any therapist meetings. She doesn't even want to talk about it. What affects can this have on our son.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.

Is she a good mother?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No she has not taken him to a doctor in i've 2 years. She will not let him attend pre k classes because it interferences with her time
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
Not good to hear. I am not sure the marriage will make things any worse on your son than they already are. Do you want to file for custody?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes I have already put in paper work to get more custody. I just want to make sure I would been doing the right thing for him. I don't want him to have to feel alone. It kills me to see him cry and say he doesn't want to go
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
I know it is heartbreaking. Yes, you are absolutely doing the right thing! He is a very luck little boy to have a dad who loves him so much. You might find it helpful to meet with a Marriage and Family Therapist yourself to talk about this. You may go to www.TherapistLocator.net or www.psychologytoday.com to search for MFTs where you live. If you have no further questions, please remember to click on the green accept button so that I will receive credit for my response. You may return to this answer for reference at any time after you accept. I wish you and your son all the best, XXXXX XXXXX Eleanor
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