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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5582
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My wife filed for divorce, it is on hold now. We have been

Customer Question

My wife filed for divorce, it is on hold now. We have been going back and fourth on getting back together. This last week we had an amazing 3 days together. We seemed to be doing the things to resolve are issues and work towards healing and getting back together. Then all the sudden she just stopped communication. I don't know what she needs I'm thinking she feels pressured. It is very hard on me. The only thing I know to do is not communicate with her and give her space. but not sure
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It is very common for couples who are trying to work on their marriage to experience ups and downs as they work through the problems that cause the separation.

 

There are several reasons for a couple to separate. One is for a divorce, which in your case is on hold and not a priority, to gain perspective on the marriage so you can work out problems, and to help your marriage improve.

 

Sometimes being apart can make you appreciate each other more. It seems to have helped your marriage in that you are now having good days together and your wife has put the divorce on hold. That means that she has hope that the marriage can be repaired. But along with that hope, she also has doubts. These doubts can come up at any time, but may especially come about when she is feeling good about the relationship. This can cause her to back off and need time to think things through.

 

Added to the doubt is your wife's recovery. If she is in AA, then I assume drinking was an issue at some time for her. Past alcohol use and current treatment can cause her moods to fluctuate and make recovery more difficult. The stress of the marriage problems can also add to her desire to use again. She may need time to gain control again of her cravings after she is with you.

 

It sounds like you are doing a great job in working on your marriage. Keep doing what you are doing. Ask your wife if there is anything else she needs from you emotionally or otherwise. She can tell you if there is something she is concerned about. Communication between you is the most important factor in working your marriage problems out. You are doing all you can to be there and change things to improve your marriage. It is up to her to do her part as well. Time and patience are the best things to give her.

 

I hope this helps you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5582
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It is hard for me to accept the non communication, I feel like AA is working against us, my wife is a seeker of self help, drinking didn't seem like a problem, however it was for her at an earlir age. I just have a hard time excepting her avoiding me all the sudden. Is it normal? should I just not contact her till she contacts me? give her space
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It is acceptable for you to contact her, through email or text is the best way. Just tell her that you haven't heard from her and that you understand she needs space. Let her know you are there for her and that you will give her the time she needs. Then don't contact her again. Allow her the time she needs. This helps her see you care and also that you can be trusted to give her what she needs.

 

If you do not hear from her after a month or so, then try contacting her again. Repeat what you did before and see what she says.

 

It is very hard to strike a balance in a situation like a separation. You want to be with her and not knowing why she backs off is hard. But try to keep in mind that she did call off the divorce and is trying to get better. Both are good signs. It is very tempting to try to control the situation so you don't have to feel uncertain and scared. But try focusing on the good signs she is giving you, give her space but also let her know you are there and you care. At this point, that is the best thing you can do.

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.