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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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I found my husband watching porn two nights ago. I have had

Customer Question

I found my husband watching porn two nights ago. I have had suspicion in the past but ignorance is bliss. I am hurt and disgusted. He has no explanation but says it's just sometimes and on this particular occasion he wasn't even touching himself. I can't wrap my mind around this behavior while my children are asleep in the next room and I am led to believe that he has work to do so he stays up late. He has apoloized and says he'll never do it again and can't believe how stupid he was. He says he loves me and hopes I can forgive him. I love him but I am sick over this. How do I get passed this?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Unfortunately, pornography pervades our society. You could say that it is common and normal. HOWEVER, it is still very destructive and you have a right to be concerned.

I would not bring it up to him. Instead, I suggest that you do your best to seduce him more, and give him more sexual attention so that that cheap and insufficient imitation doesn't even tempt him.

Don't let this fester and become a sore spot in our relationship; if you do, you will drive him away. The best way to move forward is to learn how to be a better seductress. For this purpose I recommend an excellent book, highly rated for its effectiveness. If you follow some of the advice and techniques in this book, he will never be interested in porn again, and your relationship will improve immensely. The book, available at amazon.com and elsewhere, is:

How To Seduce A Man And Keep Him Seduced by Laurie Sue Brockway

I wish you the strength and courage to stay positive and just move past this without another word. You must get and keep his attention and your relationship will be just fine

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Other.
This male expert made me feel like I hold responsibility for my husbands actions. I feel that he answered it from a male pov without puttng himslef in my position.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
I would like to work with you on this if you are OK trying another male expert.

Should we give it a try?
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Please give me your view.

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
I would be happy to. First please give me a little more information about the two of you.

How long have you been married?
What are your ages?
Any religious background?
Any thing else I should know about the two of you?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Married 15 years. Together 20. I am 37 he is 38. We are practicing catholics. We have an 8 year old daughter and 12 year old son.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Thank you for the additional information.

A wife in your position is going to feel betrayed, abandoned, insecure,frustrated, inadequate, angry, cheated,somewhat powerless and as you mentioned above disgusted.

She wonders; "why would he do this to me and the kids. He cheated on us." She says to herself, "he did cheat!, but he didn't actually cheat with another person, but he did cheat." She is confused but she knows for sure the trust in her relationship has been seriously blasted. Further her self confidence and self image are seriously assaulted as she wonders what's wrong with her appearance and sexuality that would cause him to stray. As quickly as this thought comes another floods in, "I'm a wife, a mother, a homemaker, I have a job, I can't be expected to be a sex goddess to keep him from going outside, what about his responsibility to me and the kids!

He says "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did it...., I won't do it any more." She wants to believe the issue is over but she can't let go of it, or put another way, it won't let go of her.

She tries for a day or two to make sense of it all and put everything to rest but eventually she concludes she needs some help. She wonders where do I turn, who will understand, can anybody help a situation like ours?"

Let me assure you, your situation can be helped and your marriage can be strengthened in the process.

Some of the issues to be addressed are:
Redeveloping Trust in the relationship
Personal growth and problem solving skills for husband
Personal growth and problem solving skills for wife
Improved skills for communicating about and solving marital conflicts
Increased understanding of male and female differences for both spouses.

I recommend the two of you work with a good counselor on these items. We can continue to explore this more together here on JustAswer if you like and/or I can help you find a counselor in your area.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
You hit the nail on the head. I've gone through every step you mentioned. Thank you for not going the route that I should accept that this is what men do and I should either jump on the bandwagon or turn the other way. I will take your advise to my husband and ask him to work with me. I know I can forgive but I'll need to work on forget. Thank you for your time.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
You are welcome!

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Mark Manley
Mark Manley
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Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.