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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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trying to come to terms on how i feel about my wifes ongoing

Customer Question

trying to come to terms on how i feel about my wife's ongoing affair. becoming more comfortable inw what my role is but still concerned that i am outside the norms of society. Will I always feel this way?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

This depends totally on what you are comfortable with. If you feel your wife having an affair is ok with you, then accepting it is a matter of time. You need to allow yourself to adjust to a new way of thinking about your marriage and your relationship. Sharing someone in an intimate relationship is not easy and requires a definition of boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. It may be unusual for someone to be accepting of affairs (at least in our culture, maybe not so much in others), but each person decides what works for them. Every couple has their own quirks and differences they agree to accept with each other and no one else needs to be aware of these differences.

 

But if you feel unsettled by your wife's affair, then you need to speak your mind to your wife and let her know how you feel. You have a right to have your thoughts and feelings listened to and considered. And your wife needs to accept how you feel.

 

I hope this helps you,
Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
there is some more to it they let me catch them in the act knowing it arouses me. so this has me concerned that i am not normal cause i enjoy it.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

As long as you are comfortable with it, there is nothing wrong with that. There are many married people that enjoy such situations. It is only when you are hurt by it that it is bad.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My birthday is XXXXX week and they said they are going to give me a special show. i have conflicting feelings about this but also get very aroused thinking about it.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

If you feel conflicted about it, then you should probably think about backing off. You may also want to see a counselor to help you decide if this situation hurts you or if you are ok with it. To find a counselor, talk to your doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/. This will help you talk out how you feel and see what is beneath your feelings.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

ok i will try that i just think it is my irish catholic upbringing getting in the way. once i am involved in it i feel good

Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

I understand. My best to you and if I can help any further, please let me know.

 

Kate

 

If you found your answer helpful, please click the green ACCEPT button. I am not paid for my work unless you accept. Thank you!

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
just wondering if i am jut more concerned about what other people would think then what my behavior is
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You could be. That is why I think counseling might be a good idea. There are too many considerations here that confuse the issue. Finding out if you are comfortable with this situation, how you feel about your arousal and how you feel about others knowing about it all say that there are more underlying feelings that just deciding what to do.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thank you for understanding. it is easy to talk to you about this. it is embarrasing but i masturbate a lot thinking about this stuff. last year on my birthday they invited me into the room and involved me some and i still get excited reliving that. is that weird?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You're welcome. I am glad to help.

 

No it is not weird. It is very common for people to have fantasies about these kinds of things. An active sexual fantasy life is just fine as long as it is not bothering you to the point you are distressed by it.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i dont think i am distressed by it. it has increased the sexual activity between my wife and i and she does more things than she use to. and i masturbate a lot more than i use to. have you heard of people around 50 increasing their sexual activity before?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

It is not common, but with the addition of your wife's affair to your marriage it is probably a cause of your increased libido.

 

Kate

 

 

 

 

 

If you have found your answers helpful, please click accept. I am not paid for my work unless you accept. Thank you!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
and hers too then? she is having sex 5 or 6 days a week that i know of. she is also more entusiastic about performing oral. last year on my birthday she performed oral on me as he had intercousre with her. 10 years ago i couldnt even talk to her about that.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
and hers too then? she is having sex 5 or 6 days a week that i know of. she is also more entusiastic about performing oral. last year on my birthday she performed oral on me as he had intercousre with her. 10 years ago i couldnt even talk to her about that.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i wanted to thank you for the help you have given.

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