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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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my 14 yr old son ,recently stole a relitives phone then denied

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my 14 yr old son ,recently stole a relitives phone then denied it, after we found the phone he still denied it,we made him take it back and appoliges ,which they told him he was no longer aloud to go there. two days later he was caught wagging from school amd he denied it ,right to the principal meeting with his father and myself in the same room the principal said he came in 2nd period then apparently didn't make it to 3rd and 4th period, he looked us in the eye and said ' i was there',. today the teachers have called and said he had forged a signature on his report card,which he denies doing but evenutaly has confessed.he has now been suspened till i go in to front the board and teacher,.please help me and my son, hes much loved and i don't no what im doing wrong or how i can help him,.
He frustrates me cause hes always got have the last word and i feel i have to get away frm him cause his lieing leeds me to feel discusted
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
I am so sorry to hear about this very painful situation. When anyone close to us acts with such contempt for the truth it rocks our world because without trust there is nothing. At the same time you are worried about what is wrong with your son and what will happen in his life if he continues this behavior.

For my answer I am assuming a couple of things. If my assumptions are incorrect please let me know so I can reformulate my answer.

Assumption #1 Your child has been pretty normal in his behavior up to this point in his life.

Assumption #2 Your child is your biological offspring and that neither you nor his father have a history of chronic misbehavior as children.

First thing to remember is that he is probably just going through a stage that will pass. At this age children are trying new behaviors to see if they will work. Lying and stealing seem like an easy way for one to get what he wants with out having to work for it. Your job is to make sure that his life is harder when he lies and steals than when he follows the rules. So, good for you for giving him consequences when you catch him at these games. You may have to become increasingly severe with the consequences until he starts to get the idea "crime doesn't pay". The consequences you have used so far may be adequate if you extend the duration of the consequence. If the above does not work; you and his father can talk about harsher measures like,progressively taking away some of his favorite clothes, progressively stripping his room of valued possessions (these can be earned back by good behavior), and if need be removing his bedroom door. If you and father are living under the same roof it is imperative that you are united in your parenting plan. So make sure you are working together, and if you are not back up to the point where you both agree and work to that point.

If you are consistent as parents, and your son is not suffering with a deeper mental disorder; eventually he will get the idea that it is harder in life to lie, cheat and steal than it is to act right. If he is not a quick learner the process may take longer.

You may find you need some additional assistance with this situation if so please let me know.

Thanks and best of success to you,his father and your son.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mental Health Expert and father of five.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Mark , i have now made him write a 200 word essay on defiying his teachers today at school, they have just called me to say he was caught out forging a signature and when asked he denied and when asked to leave the teachers class ,blatinly refused. she then her self said she left the class, what am i going to say to the principal,?????????????

please should i get my son professional look at?, you say it's a fase, but i have an older son and daughter and i don't remember this ,speacally the lies

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
The fact that your older children did not display this type of behavior just means each kid is different from the next. I would recommend that you stick with increasing consequences for a few weeks before seeking professional help.

As for the school: I would tell the principal that you are going to give your son consequences for his behavior at school and that you are willing to support whatever consequences the school deems appropriate as well.

If after a few weeks of stiff consequences you see continued decline then take him to a professional.

Of course talk with him and see if you can get him to talk about what is going on inside his head and heart. A lot of 14 year old boys won't let you in much but you can try. Often they have no clue why hey are acting the way they are so they can't talk about it even if they wanted to.
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
Mark Manley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX just talking to you has given me aniother view, I do talk alot to my kids cause i think communication is very important, but like you said it's the behaviour, An unacustom to lieing and steeling i do feel like ive not been doing my job as well as i could be. Short of knocking his block off, ive thought off washing his mouth out with soap , but just having you to listen and give a non byous oppion, ive appreciate.

II keep trying and do what you said tomorrow at the school meeting.

 

Thanks again

 

Struggling Mum.

ps sorry about the spelling

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX just talking to you has given me aniother view, I do talk alot to my kids cause i think communication is very important, but like you said it's the behaviour, An unacustom to lieing and steeling i do feel like ive not been doing my job as well as i could be. Short of knocking his block off, ive thought off washing his mouth out with soap , but just having you to listen and give a non byous oppion, ive appreciate.

II keep trying and do what you said tomorrow at the school meeting.

 

Thanks again

 

Struggling Mum.

ps sorry about the spelling

 

 

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
You are welcome. All of your interventions should be non-invasive take things away but don't violate his person. Hang in there!

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Mark Manley
Mark Manley
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Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.