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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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What in the human psyche make somebody feel better to see

Customer Question

What in the human psyche make somebody feel better to see somebody have misfortune. When that same person they wish this misfortune on is the main person that helps them when they need help.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Hello there and thanks for asking JA. I have a feeling we have chatted before. Can you tell me a bit more about the person that feels better when someone has misfortune? I have a feeling that you give too much to this person.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
The person is a older person . That might have somethig to do with it . What do yo want to know more about the person.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Maybe talking to this person and she how they feel and why
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
you really can't talk to this person about that. This is why I was asking what might be the cause.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like the person you are talking about most likely feels insecure about themselves. It is often the case that those who look down on others, even those that help them, are insecure. They do not feel worthy so they hide it behind a false front that makes them appear more worthy than others. This is a defense mechanism called Reaction Formation. It is taking unacceptable thoughts and turning them into their opposites. So this person is taking their feelings of unworthiness and shame and turning them into projecting worth over others. This problem usually comes about when the person was treated poorly at some time in their lives, usually in childhood when the child's view of life is being formed. Abuse, neglect or other circumstances can cause the person to feel unworthy and shameful.

 

By helping this person, the helper puts themselves in a lower position, at least in terms of our society. A helper serves, which to some means being lower. This person's role reminds the person receiving the help of themselves and how they really feel. To avoid the feelings, the person being served reacts with an even stronger defense against the feelings by acting even more important and "worthy". For to show weakness or be a servant to others is too threatening.

 

I hope this helps you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So what are you saying about the person that is the helper. Who thought they was dong it ot of love explain. The two people are related. The taker are older female sisters and mother. The helper is the youngest in the family and male. You are right their has been abuse in the family. What do all this mean that I'm telling you?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

The helper can do what they do out of love, but that does not change how the taker is viewing him. The taker is the one with the self esteem and worthiness issues. If there is abuse in the past, then that explains why they relate to the helper as they do. They feel lower than the helper inside so they react to the help by acting better than the help.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
If I wanted to ask for you how wold I get in touch with you on just answer?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You can just put my name in front of your question and I will get back to you as soon as I am on. You can also request me directly, which would help keep your question off the general queue. Just be sure to put my name in front and I will be the one to answer you.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So would they also do stuff on purpose for the helper not be successfull or not acknowledge the achievement of the helper?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So would they also do stuff on purpose for the helper not be successfull or not acknowledge the achievement or talent of the helper?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
ONLY KATE MCCOY So would they also do stuff on purpose for the helper not be successfull or not acknowledge the achievement or talent of the helper? By the way what do all the acrynoms stand for behind your name.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

They may not realize they are acting this way. Some people grow up learning how to relate to the world in a dysfunctional way. Children are born with personalities, but how they learn to express themselves and relate to the world depends on the environment they are raised in. For example, if you have one child who is born into a normal family that allows expression, provides healthy boundaries (discipline) and acceptance and love, that child learns that other people can be loving and kind. They learn consequences to behavior and they also can grow as a person because they were allowed to. But if the child is born into an abusive family, the child may be exposed to people who hit for no reason, violate boundaries (getting into the child's personal space and hurting them) and act out for no logical reason. Children do not understand a person drinks alcohol or hits a child because they are hurt inside. All they know is that they are being hurt. They usually turn this pain into themselves and think something is wrong with them, since they do not understand why they are being hurt. This child learns they are unworthy, unlovable and deserve to be hurt by others. As a adult, this child may lash out at others, treat others like they were treated and generally relate to the world as they learned as a child.

 

When the person or people treat the helper they way they do, that says they learned to hurt others because they were hurt somehow. This is how they learned to relate. They feel bad inside so they lash out and make others feel bad so they feel better. This is especially so with someone who helps because to offer help in their childhood would have meant more pain and humiliation. Being reminded of that by being helped makes them feel bad so they lash out even worse.

 

The M.Ed after my name means I have a Master's in Counselor Education, the NBCC is a National Board Certified Counselor, and the LPC means Licensed Professional Counselor. I hope that helps.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
KATE MCCOY ONLY PLEASE. But the helper grow up in the same envirnoment. It was the same family but the helper as a child fought back against the abse of the parents. So how could these people be so different. The taker which are older sisters even express that they thoght about fighting back to the abusive parent. When the abusive parent talked about killing the the helper (he youngest child) for fighting back.The abusive parent is also a taker (mother). Explain this to me so I can get a better understanding, please. The two taker (sisters) were both grown and in college when the sitituation happen with the helper(son). The helper was under 9 years of age at the time. Also before age of nine the helper parents divorced. The helper was lied to by the two takers sisters that if he helped them go to college finacially they would in turn help him. They lied when he grew up the helper never recieved any help from them. Still graduated from college on his on and went on to make more them and more successful than them at a early age. Also when mention about the thousands they had borrowed from him while way under age, they reply that they don't remmeber owe him that much or they don't owe him nothing. The helper has an excellent memory and was always good with numbers . I know this person and he is pretty accurate with things. What do all this mean and how do this play in their relatinship?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I would love to continue to work with you. Please accept my previous answers so we can continue.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I accepted your answer. Now can you give me a explanation of what I previously asked you about. Als what do all the acrynom behind your name mean.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
ONLY KATE MCCOY. I accepted your answer. Now can you give me a explanation of what I previously asked you about. Als what do all the acrynom behind your name mean.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I did provide an answer to your question at the end of my answer on 11/26/11. I will recopy it for you:

 

The M.Ed after my name means I have a Master's in Counselor Education, the NBCC is a National Board Certified Counselor, and the LPC means Licensed Professional Counselor. I hope that helps.

 

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

KATE MCCOY ONLY. The question is from 11/26 at 5:23 PM it wasn't ask ed previous. please take a look at it? tell me what you think.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like the taker and the sisters decided to make the helper a target. In some families, there is a child who is picked out as a target for abuse in the family. It is the child who is targeted for the abuse. The other children may also be abused, but the one child is the main target. The other children are taught to abuse this person as well. This includes emotional abuse (not remembering taking money off the helper, saying mean things, putting him down), physical abuse and possibly sexual abuse.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This might sound stupid but it can be considered similar in some ways to cindrella story?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It could be, not including the ending.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
yeah not including the ending.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

ONLY KATE MCCOY Do this show or say something about the helper? Refer to previous talk.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

No, just that the helper has been put in an abusive role. Therapy helps a person like that realize how to get out of that role. Abuse is a major factor and can cause a helper to feel they are stuck in an abusive role.

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.