Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your mother has a personality disorder. A personality disorder is usually caused when someone is abused as a child or mistreated. It develops as a way for the child to cope with the dysfunctional behavior of the adults around them. When someone has a personality disorder, they usually have little to no insight into their behavior. They have difficulty with all of their relationships and how they relate the world around them. They feel everyone is at fault but them and they will try to manipulate the people and circumstances so they benefit.
If your mother has a personality disorder, it is unlikely she will change unless she wants to. And even with therapy, personality disorders are ingrained so it does take some time to work them through. Since it sounds unlikely your mother will gain insight about her problems, the only choice you have is how you react.
You and your husband have tried to work with your mother but to no avail. The relationship has come to the point where you are experiencing distress rather than benefiting from it. In that case, you have little choice but to end all contact. That does not mean you do not love your mother or care for her. But contact with her has become too difficult to manage. You need to protect yourself and your family, particularly your children since they will not understand her behavior as you and your husband do.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
I understand your frustration with your mother and your desire to stop her behavior. I am not sure of the legal aspect, you may want to consult your attorney. Mental health wise, if she does have a personality disorder, suing her may only make it worse. It would give her a platform to broadcast more hurtful comments and she may find new ways to hurt you. She could also use your actions against you by saying you are out to hurt her. Suing her will probably just give her more focus and motivation to hurt you and your family. The best option is to cut off as much contact as you can. If you do have to see her, keep your communication brief and to the point. Leave out emotions and personal comments. Much like you would with a stranger. This keeps the emotions out of the situation and makes it less likely she can upset you or find something to use against you.