How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi Kate, new thread for old baggage?

Customer Question

Hi Kate, new thread for old baggage?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose! Thanks for the new thread. I'm here whenever you want to talk.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

It's funny starting over again. We did alot of talking on out last thread, it lasted more than 5 weeks, so not bad going.

Cathy dropped by, I haven't seen her since I'd just returned from St Ives, and there was plenty to catch up on. She's very understanding, her mother is manic depressive, since her childhood, so she has good counselling skills and plenty of empathy and good sense. She feels there is little hope that things will get better, she talks from experience, but her children were very little when she left, and they had no say at all. She said isn't there someone close to D that I can talk to, ask them to get him to see what he's doing, where he's at. I say I can't talk to anyone close to him about it, I will be accused of spreading lies, talking rubbish, it would come back on me.

He came home from the pub, not drunk, but obviously had had a few. We had pumpkin soup (went down very well, Sam's friend said the best soup he'd ever had, but Poppy and I say not as good as last years!)We all sat at the table, and D said he was off to a different pub where there was a jam session (Blues) which he always goes to, meets some friends. I said I'll drive you, he looked at me oddly, I said you've already been drinking, and you will be drinking more later. Not the best role model ever, but I thought he'd agreed for me to take him. He goes for a shower. Lola comes in from the garden where she's been digging a damp hole. I shut her in the porch covered in mud, and ask D to carry her down to the bath and put her in it after I've used the bathroom. While I'm in the bathroom I hear Sam let her in, and she comes down the stairs. D opens the bathroom door, pushes her in and shuts the door again. I say thanks for the help, that I'd asked him to lift her into the bath for me (he knows how much I struggle) He tells me that he didn't let her in, I say I know, I just wanted help with the bath, so he swears at me and slams the bathroom door. I'm 5 mins washing the mud off Lola, then I sweep the mud up through the house. Dave has gone, taken my car. Lots of things go through my mind; I should go and get the car; I should call the police; I should call the landlord. In the end I do nothing, and look forward to tomorrow.

I am hot and bothered, need some chill out time. I watched a film yesterday on bbciplayer called Signs with Mel Gibson, Abigail Breslin and Rory Culkin, I'm sure it said it was filmed in Philadelphia. Good film anyway, crop circles, extraterrestrial life on earth, a Priest's lost faith restored. Not normally my thing (scifi), but not too creepy.

Lola is lying on the bed beside me (2 dogs in fact, not much room for me on a little bed!) she's dreaming, running in her sleep, breathing heavily. Oh, to be a (spoilt) carefree dog! Kids home from school, tea time, Friday evening.. Yeah!! Have a good one, thinking of you,

Rose




Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose! The new thread is strange, I agree. I just get used to the old then we have to start the new. We talk a lot and I am glad that we do. It's good we communicate so well. I am hoping that being in touch like that helps you through all the tough times.

 

Cathy sounds like a good friend. Growing up with someone who is mentally ill is good, but forced, training. Her suggestion was good, but when you have the whole family acting out dysfunctionally, there is no where to turn for help or common sense. I do agree with her though that things will not get better with Dave. Unless he gains incredible insight all of a sudden, it's pretty much a done deal with him. To add to it, he may get worse somewhat as he ages since the alcohol will begin to breakdown his ability to control his emotions (he doesn't do that well now as it is) and he may lash out more often.

 

It's sounds like Dave skipped out on the responsibility part of your deal again. He could have stopped Sam and let him know you wanted the dog carried in, but he did the least amount he could in the situation. You mentioned your indecision about how to handle Dave going on his own to the pub, but how did you feel about what Dave did with the dog? Also, how do you feel about him being at the pub in the condition he is in?

 

I've seen the movie Signs. It was a little unnerving, but like you said, not too bad. I don't like M Night Shyamalan that much. The Sixth Sense was the only one I really liked. That movie gives me the serious creeps!

 

The pumpkin soup sounds very good. I made veggie and beef soup yesterday and threw in some sweet potato. I also made caramelized butternut squash the other day. Can you tell it's Fall?!

 

I hope your night goes well with all that is going on. I'll be up for a while longer if you want to talk,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

you are glad, I am gladder! SO glad that we talk a lot, that we communicate well; so grateful to be able to, I can't imagine not being able to connect like we do, and I can't tell you how much you help me through the all-the-times!

I am sitting in Tescos (mega-supermarket) with a coffee, using their wifi. I have dropped Poppy and her friend at her orchestra rehearsal, and just filling in time til I pick her up. Sam also has a pre-gig rehearsal this morning, and as I can't be in 2 places at once for a change, I asked D to take him. I was going to go to his lunchtime gig at the jazz festival once I'd picked Poppy up and delivered her home, but by the time I get there I will have missed half of it, and I'd be stressed with trying to get from A to B, then to C in a time vacuum, so I have opted to take P home and rest as P has a concert tonight!! D is staying for Sam's concert, and I'll catch it next time. I was worrying all the drive to town how I could orchestrate the movements of the day, and when I realised I hadn't taken my pills this morning that made the decision for me. Home! It's a day out for D, but it did mean that he had to get up, and be in control of time for a change, and have a bit of time with Sam. S said he was OK, just his usual self.

I challenged him about taking the car as he lay in bed this morning. He said he wouldn't be able to get a lift home with anyone. He's walked in the past, about half an hour, so I said he should have walked. He could have left his drum there, he knows the landlord well (are you surprised?). I said he must stop drinking and driving. That he isn't a role model for the children. Well, he is a role model, just a bad one. He said nothing. He just lets me say these things, doesn't reply, thinks if he doesn't enter into a discussion about it then I will dry up, and it will be forgotten about. Not so when he has drink on board though, that's another story.

I wonder why he needs to go to the pub for a couple of hours on his way home, come home for his meal, shower and then go out to drink more. Well, I know why, but I still wonder. Thursday he came in from the pub and sat down for supper, just him and me. He talked nonstop about him, his day, the night before, music making, his friendship with Barry, another musician, nonstop. Not a conversation, more a 'lecture'. I managed a couple of words here and there, but it just seems so unnatural to talk like that. Yesterday at breakfast, he wanted to show me some very old sheet music he'd been given to look through (he can't read music, just looked at the titles), and there was another 20 minutes of monologue, to the detriment of his cornflakes that were going soggy! And he started to repeat what he'd told me the evening before, I said I know, you told me....he didn't remember. Oh, did I tell you such and such...yes thank you!! How does he do it? What's he like at the pub? What do others think I wonder- Oh no, Dave again? But he says so often how well he gets on with people, how much people love him.

So, am I bothered about him being at the pub. I'm past being bothered these days, just don't want the consequences when he gets home, or wrecks my car on the way home, or hurts someone in the process. Living in 'the sticks' there will be no police cars lying in wait unless there has been a tip-off, and he knows that. But I say one ban is enough, should have taught him a lesson, which it did for a while, but now he doesn't like the transport issue getting in the way of his beer. Almost every night he stops by on his way home from somewhere, he can never just have one and go. It's usually 2 hours before he comes home, he's not often so drunk that he can't walk in a straight line (like the day he caused the accident that led to his ban), but there are days that he's not far from it. I'm happy for him to be out, it gives me breathing space, but I worry about when he comes in late after pubs closing. I'm usually asleep, try to be anyway, but the kids are often up, and I find out the next day how he was. Last night P said he just came in and watched the tele, with a glass of wine. I haven't had Sam's report yet!

The dog, nothing new there. I just swallowed it and got on with it, difficult as I found it, but there is no point asking him for help when he is in that sort of mood (he's so quick to change with drink on board). Sam let her in while D was in his bedroom, not realising that she was walking on muddy platforms!! So D didn't know, Lola just appeared downstairs, and he pushed her through the bathroom door for me to deal with. I said thanks for the help, he said all you have to do is ask, but he was being really defensive and verbal, so I let it go.

I liked Sixth Sense too, I was in awe of the boy actor, and I love Bruce Willis. I don't know MKS too well, but he doesn't appear to go for the jugular! I can't watch 18 films, 15s is my limit!! Give me a gentle girlie feel good film and I'm OK.

Time to pick Poppy up, coffee drunk, danish pastries tidied away (yum), so will send you off and catch yyou later.

Good morning!!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose, I have to answer another question (ughhh) and I'll be right back.

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ok, done. Sorry about that.

 

You certainly have your hands full today! That is a lot of running. It's good that Dave could step up and help out today. It sounds like what he always should do with you, share the duties.

 

It is interesting how Dave avoids dealing with your concerns by just not commenting. Avoidance doesn't solve the problem. Your concerns are valid and need addressed. This is one of those things that Dave needs to have insight on in order to change.

 

I imagine Dave is so popular and well liked because either he believes this about himself and doesn't accept others are not as happy with him as he is with himself, or he hangs around with people similar to him in thought and action. A emotionally healthy person is not going to put up with his focus on himself, drinking behavior and other issues.

 

As Dave talks about himself, what do you feel about listening to him?

 

As you talk about Dave and his behaviors, I often wonder about how you are feeling as all this is going on. You mentioned your attempts to get his attention about concerns and how he reacts, but nothing about how you feel. You mentioned that you "just swallowed it" when talking about the dog. This tells me that you do have feelings about what is going on but you do not allow yourself to feel them.

 

I hope your day works out and you get some down time. I know how all that running around can be!

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Thanks for your post. I'll try to work on answering your feeling questions tomorrow, I'm rather frazzled right now!

Sam's gig went well, and we've not long been home from Poppy's concert. It went well too; I found myself feeling anxious amongst so many people, palpitations, prickly skin, hot and bothered, fidgety and tremulous, but it was easier not knowing anyone but D, and my mother came too (not the best combo!) I drove, and D wanted dropping at the pub on the way past on the way home!! I've just had to go out to pick Sam up from work, then take Poppy to her friends house for a sleepover. I must be mad to allow her to go, it was almost 11pm. Hopefully they'll get to bed soon then have a good day tomorrow.

I'm in need of sleep.

Til tomorrow, have a good Saturday evening

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey Rose,

 

You had quite a day. I don't blame you for putting off anything tonight! Get some good rest. I'll be here tomorrow.

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

What a lovely autumn day, sun, warmth, gentle breeze, trees still with their colourful leaves. I hope my day will go with the weather. My darling Lola has just come in with her muddy platforms again, so it'll be a run in the wet grass in a minute to wash her off (beats bathing her!!)

Poppy is still at her friend's house, hoping to go Christmas shopping shortly. Sam is at work, Dave is looking at some work that needs doing on the cottage next door that I have the key to for my use if I need to get away. Philippa the owner has just emailed me to say that they are asking D to get the work done, but aren't telling him that I have a key, which I'm grateful for.

I've said 'I need you to' twice this morning, one to put the rubbish out, and two to get a bale of straw! Time will tell if my requests have been heeded!

Dave has always avoided discussing important issues, especially if it puts him in the wrong or down in any way. He will either blank me, so that I'm talking to myself, as it was yesterday, or simply walk away. It's always hard to start the subject again, I'll be accused of nagging, being negative, nit picking etc, so it usually gets brushed aside til the next time.

When D talks about himself, I/we listen politely, he rarely leaves a gap or invites a response, if we have something to say (as Sam has discovered recently) trying to interject politely will get steam-rollered by his flow, If he is on a roll, he will not stop to let anyone in- someone else may try to be part of the conversation, but there is little point. As I don't have much to say these days, I guess listening to him is better than silence. It bothers me more when there are more than just he and I, esp if my sister, or Cathy, or parents are here and I try to have a conversation, then it isn't acceptable, and I have had to leave on occasions to draw it to a close (my sister left too at an appropriate moment, last time that happened!)

Now feelings are a little more difficult. I think I do have feelings but have trouble feeling them. How does that work? A few weeks ago I was feeling very angry and frustrated with him, I was definitely feeling those feelings, but keeping them to myself, and they made me feel really bad, and I felt hardly able to cope. You said it was good to feel them, but I hated feeling them, I was really pent up, and felt like I would burst, or go mad. Maybe I'm protecting myself from those overwhelming feelings coming back so soon?

I'm feeling really low about the physical me. I feel I'm getting no-where fast, but at least I've established that I can no longer nurse in the same capacity as I have been used to. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the specialist back physio. I really hope she can help somehow. K hopes that she will offer me hydrotherapy which is excellent for fibro pains. I then start an 8 week physio course next week which is specifically for back problems, but that will only address one small part of my issues. I think I need to find a local fibro support group, see how others are coping.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I am off to church and one errand and I'll be back to talk with you as soon as I can.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
OK Kate, I wish I was joining you. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX don't like not being able to respond right away, and I want to spend time with you. I just didn't have enough time this morning.

 

I hope Dave has followed through with your requests today. It's good you are asking for what you need. It helps you to identify what you need and it gives you a chance to practice being assertive.

 

Dave's reaction to your requests and other attempts to engage him says a lot about his coping mechanisms. His is to avoid. If you don't like it or don't want to hear it, tune it out or shut it out by walking away. This tells you that he is either unable to cope with responsibility, or he doesn't want to.

 

On the flip side, Dave expects everyone to listen to him when he is talking. He expects attention and does not have any regard for the listeners interest or input. I could not help but wonder what kind of reaction you would get using Dave's own coping mechanisms to respond to his lectures. What would happen if you just walked away?

 

It is understandable that you don't want to be in touch with your feelings. I imagine they probably feel overwhelming. You take in a lot and do not have a way to express yourself. This can cause you to turn your feelings inward and become depressed and/or anxious. This is why it's important to start getting in touch with at least some of how you feel. The idea is to identify what you feel then find a way to express it somehow. For example, when you deal with Dave and his lectures, identify one feeling that you have at the time. Really think about it. Is it sad, angry, confused, disappointed, happy or irritated? Once you have at least one feeling in mind, think about how you would want to express it. So if it's irritated you feel, do you want to express it to Dave or to someone else? Do you want to say to Dave, "ok I'm done" ? Or do you just want to walk away? Or do you feel you want to say something to the other people there, such as "I don't get the point to this lecture" ? This not only serves to express your feelings but also to assert yourself.

 

K's suggestion is good. Are you thinking of asking for hydrotherapy? If you ask outright, they may consider it. And the worst they can say is no. But hopefully, they won't.

 

A support group is a very good idea. It is amazing how much help you can get from others who have the same experiences. Everyone has tried different things and just one good suggestion can change a lot for you. Let me know how everything turns out.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you. Please don't apologise, it's Sunday, your day off. I shouldn't be writing to you on a Sunday, your family come first always. :)

I've just written a long response to your post, but I'm not going to send it til tomorrow, so you can have some R&R! I have it ready bc I have my physio appt earlyish, and I need to find where to go (better google maps in a minute). Yes, I will ask re hydrotherapy, like you say it can only go one of two ways, yes or no!!

I've looked up Fibro support groups in Exeter, and they run once a month. I thought great, then I thought about meeting people, and having to talk, then I became rather scared. I'll see how I feel nearer the time- last Saturday in each month....

Have a good Sunday, it's nearly time to get to bed.

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I will say a prayer that your appointment goes well tomorrow, Rose.

 

Maybe there are Fibro groups on line you could join? Try this one and see if it is a good fit:

 

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Fibromyalgia/support-group

 

I look forward to tomorrow! Talk to you then,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You are so lovely, thank you from deep in my heart. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! Talk to you tomorrow.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good morning Kate,

I'll be off in a minute, nearly forgot to post, but I expect I'll be back before you're up. :)

As you were writing (your post yesterday), D was winding Sam up over spending time playing his X Box game tonight, rather than being with his girlfriend. Sam was immediately defensive, and punched D on the arm. Sam reacts immediately to D these days, and I know there will be trouble. D said next time you do that I'll floor you. Sam said good idea, put you in jail. I know Sam shouldn't have punched him, I told him so after D had gone away. We had a big hug, I said I'm sorry you're unhappy, he said I'm OK now. He's started to think about his counselling next week, and his appointment with the psychiatrist (though I haven't told him that is who he will be seeing just yet), asked if they can sort him out, that he feels messed up. He asked if Poppy was seeing a counsellor, I said not just yet, she seems OK at the moment (though I do want her to see the school counsellor, it's whether she will go or not).

I made 2 requests, and I wait still. I'm not going to ask again, the recycling has to be out by dark tomorrow, so I will wait til the last moment, and see what happens. The straw needs getting very soon, we need to stable to Shetland again (ggrrrrrr). I will have to ask again if not done in a day or 2. Sam came in from his room with a pillow which had some mildew on it where it had been up against the back wall of his bedroom. I've cleaned the mould off his wall at regular intervals during the colder months, and have asked D to attend to the walls from the outside to better insulate them. I have asked him half a dozen times recently. Today was a lovely day. He came out to feed the fish, and I said it would be good to make the most of the weather today to get things sorted (I wasn't specific, didn't want to push it!) He came in for lunch at 1pm, and has been on the computer from then, and still is now (7.45.) I wrote him a message that Sam's room needs sorting asap, and left it by his place at supper. He has read it, no comment, I wonder if it will have more of an impact than the spoken word.

If it becomes apparent that I'm not listening to D, not interested, walk away, or am doing a crossword (as is my way to zone out from him), he will become cross, tell me he is talking to me, doesn't anyone listen to him in this house, ask are you listening to me? I've just remembered I have that recorded from the other night, my answer was that of course I was, I had no choice! (It was ref talking to K, that I should talk to his mates!)

Being in touch with my feelings looks tricky. I'm going to read that a few times and try to remember it. I know all my feelings have been turned inwards, and have been for years. This evening after supper and the upset with Sam I had enormous discomfort in my upper chest and throat which I am well aware is stress related. I have come to my room to calm down, but there was no release of my feelings towards D, and I just had to treat my symptoms (I have Omeprazole and CaCo3). I don't feel I would have been better off venting to D how I felt, and how Sam feels. D doesn't know that he has an appt with a counsellor, I'm not sure if it will benefit Sam by D knowing or not. He would no doubt question Sam after his appointment to know what he talked about, so at the moment he doesn't know.

So, how did I feel? Angry with D that he isn't able to be tactful with Sam, that he doesn't know how easily angered he is at the moment, that he never thinks about what he says to Sam, and what his reaction is likely to be. Sad and worried for Sam that he felt so upset by the remark, and that he can't keep his feelings in check, that if he hadn't punched D he would have punched the wall and caused himself an injury. Hopeless and helpless to act as a go-between and make matters worse by taking sides, or creating an argument that would snowball, so kept quiet, again, and absorbed it all instead. I WILL work hard to identify my feelings, and deal with them at the time, but I will run the risk of there being much more conflict with D as a result. But I will give it a go.

I catch up later, let you know how I got on. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose! It's afternoon where you are by now, so good afternoon!

 

I think that any help at this point for Sam is good. He sounds like he is having trouble controlling his anger and his ability to hold it in is getting more difficult. Is Sam being evaluated by the psychiatrist or is that who is seeing him for therapy? My only concern is that Sam is not placed on medications unless there is a valid reason, and that is mostly what psychiatrists do.

 

Sam's response to Dave tells a lot about the effect Dave's behavior is having. The amount of frustration and anger he inflicts with Sam must be overwhelming. Sam is probably already struggling with the conflicts and hormones typical of his age and now he has a father he cannot relate to who probably only makes him feel small and insignificant. Therapy should help him find better ways he can cope better with his feelings. It will be hard with Dave still acting out but at this point, Sam needs help.

 

I hope you have had some luck today with Dave following through with the chores. How did it go?

 

What happens with Dave if you continue to ignore him, even after he says are you listening to me? Do you feel saying "I'm busy now" would get you some space or an outburst? The idea here is to give you a chance to assert the right to your space and to also curb Dave's bullying behavior towards you and eventually the children. Yes, this will create more conflict. And that may be a scary thought. Balancing that with your safety is priority. But working on this slowly and setting up boundaries here and there will get the ball rolling and move you and the kids towards a healthier situation. Try to keep in touch with at least one feeling a day. Feel it, and follow it through. What do you want to do with your feeling? Give yourself an ideal scenario and play it out in your mind or write it down. Let's see what happens when you try it.

 

I think it is a good idea you have to keep Sam's appointment just to yourself and Sam at this point. Given Dave's history, he would probably do just as you described, pester Sam and find a way to demean the therapy process. This will only undermine any progress Sam can make and enrage him further.

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you. I am weary; I forgot I had an Occupational Health appointment this afternoon too. My physio appt was an hour, questioning (answers not being my strong point!), history taking, examining, assessing. We didn't get to exercises- back in 2 weeks for that, but I start the back exercise class next week, sounds a bit like circuit training (!!). My pain appears to originate from the hip with muscle wasting around the glutes, and back pain being as a result. She questioned my fibro diagnosis (wonder what she was thinking), but I admit the back and hip pain doesn't seem related, it's too intense and isolated, so I'll hear her thoughts next time maybe. I was pleased not to shed too many tears, but couldn't help a few...

My appointment with Occ H wasn't quite so tear free, but the Dr that I saw (for the 2nd time) was very kind. We talked about work, fibro, depression, counselling/therapy, pain management etc. He will write to the ward and say I won't be back at all, and I can try the Nurse Bank in the New Year, but he wants to see me again first.

It was dark when I got in, I unpacked the shopping, while D went to bed. He hadn't carried the recycling down to the bins, so I did that, and made as much noise as I could sorting the glass, tins, bottles!! Just before tea I asked him to get up, and put the bins out on the roadside for the morning. We share our bins with the neighbours. I'd put a heavy load of paper out, and was keen for it to be put out before they came home, as they often get to it before D, and I didn't want them to have to move it all themselves. So he didn't put the boxes out before tea. He just called in that he's going out now, and I had to ask him AGAIN to put them out. So, NO, he didn't do as I asked yesterday, and no, he hasn't got the straw.

Sam is angry. Angry that he bought a special edition x-box game for more than twice the price of the standard game. The game is 18 rated. His girlfriend who is 18 bought in on his behalf, he is 18 in July. The special features are accessed online with a code that comes with the game. He was allowed to use his code without difficulty, but when he came to download the special features, he was barred from doing so bc his X-box knows his date of birth. He won't be able to access the special features 'til his 18th birthday, by which time he will have wasted 8 months of the years subscription. He is angry bc he wasn't prevented from using the code, and now it is used he can't get a refund. He is angry that he has lost £50. I tried to calm him, he was crying. He was upset bc he'd lost his money- I said it's just one of those things which you are going to have to grin and bear, there'll be plenty more times when money gets lost one way or another, but you just have to take a deep breath and move past it. Poppy wanted to get involved, I tried to get her to leave it, but she didn't see the intensity of his upset. He wasn't too happy with her attentions. She left. D came over to find out what the trouble was. Sam tried to explain it to him, but he didn't really understand, and Sam was upset with him. D's answer was for him to stop playing his X-box games. I agree, they do cause him angst, but that is the last thing Sam wants to hear right now.

Sam has counselling with college. This starts next Tuesday. It is separate from the CAMHS appointment in December. This appointment is with a consultant psychiatrist for an assessment. I hope that they'll offer him anger management, or suitable therapy from there, but I was keen to get something going before this, and that's why he has accessed the college counselling. I first approached my GP back in February for Sam, and I am so sad that it has taken all this time to get to this point. I hope he will be OK.

My head is so muddled about feelings. I think all my feelings are muddled. Can you help me pinpoint a feeling from today? When I think 'feelings' I get a knotted up ball of string all twisted and in a mess, and I can't find the end to unravel it.

I'm going to check on Sam, hope he's feeling more settled now.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like your appointments went well. I only wish that your treatment could start sooner to help you with the pain. But it sounds like both people you talked to today were helpful and thorough.

 

I was laughing out loud when I read about you making as much noise as possible with the recycling! I understand how you feel. The frustration of Dave's self centered behavior has to be so high for you. His refusal to help and to listen is amazing.

 

I feel for Sam. How awful. Your advice to him was spot on, to borrow your phrase. He needed to hear that this X-Box situation is a life lesson. Things like this will happen over and over. Learning to deal with this now with you there to help him will teach Sam how to handle it himself next time he is frustrated like this about something. I am glad you were there for him.

 

Thanks for explaining Sam's counseling. It all sounds very normal and routine. I think they will be able to help him. Just the process of getting evaluated will help Sam put into words some of the feelings he has had to cope with over the past year or so. Having someone listen also makes a big difference. I think Sam will be fine. He has you and that changes everything for him, and Poppy.

 

I don't know how much work you have done with K about getting in touch with your feelings. I know you and I have done some. But I think going back to basics is the best approach. When you feel muddled, it is helpful to go back and think through the basic feelings and see which one fits. You may need to do this for a while until you can get back in touch with how you feel. I found a feeling chart that may help you. I use them a lot to help people pinpoint feelings. Let me know if the link doesn't come through:

 

http://www.prisonmarriageministry.com/NMEPM/data/images/faces.jpg

 

I know, odd link address! But it is the only copy I could find of the one I use. If it doesn't work for you, we could find another. Whatever you prefer.

 

Is your feeling from today on there?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I'm SO glad you laughed out loud, I'm still smiling from my image of you lol'ing! and that's all the while I've been cleaning my teeth etc!! Yes, now in bed, a little later than usual, but no harm. I've hugged with Sam and he's fine. He says he feels really silly being so upset about it, but I said it was fair enough, and not to worry. So long as he can concentrate on his homework!

Thanks for the link. I looked at the address carefully before I scrolled down to your comment, and I thought 'what a strange address!!' Great minds and all that :) OK, I'm going to take a look now..... How wonderful! Who'd have thought there were so many feelings to be had. Well... I looked for worried, and it wasn't there (maybe anxious/ concerned fits). I am worried, about Sam, I guess my feelings for him are high right now. I think it's easier to find those feelings, and I guess I'd add regretful that I haven't been pushing harder for him sooner. But I also feel relieved that he can get started in a week, and in the meantime I will just keep a close check on him to try and keep him level.

I think that is an excellent way of helping me identify those feelings, it's great, thank you. I seem to talk about feelings, I think I do, I say 'I feel' quite a bit, I suppose I find them somewhere. If I'm quiet for a bit she asks me what I'm thinking, and I often can find a feeling then. I know I talk about feeling scared a lot, and I know when I feel anxious bc I have physical signs. Another feeling tomorrow. I'm with Alexis, so I'll catch you in the afternoon.

Goodnight

Rose
PS Thanks for the fibro support group link, I've had a quick look, proper look later in the week.

I'm still trying to access 3 of my questions with you, I'm in touch with admin- wouldn't it be a shame if all those words were lost!!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ok, you did it again. I was picturing you laughing about my laughing while you were cleaning your teeth! This is good stress reliefLaughing

 

It's good Sam is doing ok. You really stood by him on this, helped him through and said all the right things. Between you helping him and the therapy he will get, Sam will do very well!

 

Oh dear, no worry face on our prison chart? That made me worry a bit! Maybe we need another chart to accompany this one. What do you think?

 

Using "I feel" as you express yourself is a good way to help you get in touch with your feelings. I think you do know what you feel, you just push the feelings away in order to cope with situations with Dave or when you feel overwhelmed by circumstances. It is especially in the area of feeling anger or any assertive feelings that you push them away in order to cope. This is not a bad thing, it is about survival. It is how you learned to protect yourself. But knowing what you feel by identifying it then thinking through how you want to express it will help bring those feelings to the front so you can begin to use them to cope instead of falling back on your coping techniques from your past. You have allowed Dave to cross boundaries in order to survive. But identifying your feelings about your marriage will help you break through the coping mechanisms and into behavior that helps you get your needs met.

 

Let me know what happens with the 3 lost questions. I wonder what happened to them?

 

Have a good night Rose. Sleep well,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

phew it's late again. I thought about my feelings earlier as I was frustrated with you know who!! More tomorrow. Just finished skype.

I've heard that my questions have been eaten by a bug, but JA have offered to email them to me! I don't think they realise how long they are! I wonder how they can get to them if I can't... puzzling.

Til tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I hope your Skype went well. It sounds like you had quite a busy day!

 

Was you know who doing the usual? I'm interested to know!

 

I agree, that is very weird about your lost questions. But I never could really understand how to find things lost on the computer.

 

I hope you are getting some good rest right now. I'll talk with you tomorrow.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Good news! My questions have been emailed to me... yay! So now I can file them for future ref!! Now I just need to find out why I can't pay you a bonus, then I'm done with admin for the moment!

Therapy was OK, plenty going on. Sam had a chat with her for a while about his upset as he heard me talking to her about it. He's talked to her before, so he was cool.

You Know Who (D is much shorter!) was still a-slumber when I left the house yesterday morning early, I've no idea what time he rose, or when he made it to work. I was out all day with Alexis, and din't cut my hours as I so wish I would every week. D and I arrived home at the same time, I came in and started sorting the kitchen, while he put the kettle on. He asked me how I was, I said exhausted and sore, and he made me a cup of tea. He took his and went to bed, while I started preparing supper, fed the dogs, loaded.....well you know.... I guess I was just a tad irritated,.... hang on let's have a look at that chart.... exasperated, disbelieving (no that's not true, if only). Annoyed. The usual. but of course not shared. Jealous?? That he feels he can go off to bed to stock up on rest so that he can be up half the night, while I carry on until I drop, wishing that I could have that rest before my long therapy session.

Actually supper was pleasant; Sam talked about his Sociology class, that he is the only one to really speak up and say what he thinks, a couple of times to be shot down in flames! Dave was all for it! There was quite a level debate about politics in general (democracy vs coalition vs federal republic etc, how our government works), and D was actually positive about his son for once.

I was ready to crash for an hour before seeing K, and didn't check my emails til just before I skyped. There was an email from my manager at work, asking to set up a meeting with me to talk about my contract. I have got myself in a tiz thinking about the meeting, about going back to the ward and seeing everyone, about not being the person they know, about not keeping myself together. I wonder what they want to talk about, I feel guilty, but my real worry is about my composure. I forgot to tell you that having my blue goldstone in my hand helped me a lot at my appointment on Monday, not sure how, but I usually fiddle with something.

Today I'm feeling stressed, worrying about my meeting. I know I have time, at least a week, but it is huge in my head, a picture of the ward, office, nurses talking to me, the door being closed, sitting in the office with my manager, I know how it will be.

I'll be back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That is good news, Rose! I am glad they found your questions. And thank you for thinking of me. You are always so kind.

 

I'm glad Sam had a chance to talk to K. It sounds like everything is going well with your one day a week with K.

 

So you were feeling annoyed, exasperated, irritated, and possibly disbelieving about Dave's behavior. That is a good start. You mentioned that you did not tell Dave but I imagine you wanted to. That at least gives you a direction you want to put your feelings. I think the disbelieving part is very valid. It is incredible that each time you need help Dave thinks of himself. Dave's behavior is out of sync with the household and with your needs. It is hard to believe he doesn't see your needs. He asked how you felt then he did not connect your exhaustion and pain with helping you. That disconnect is part of what makes your relationship not work.

 

Tell me more about what you are worried about with your meeting. Let's talk about worst case scenario. What do you feel would be the worst thing to happen?

 

Also, how does this make you feel? You mentioned guilty and worried. What else? I think there are some triggers here for you about the past.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate,

Yesterday has caught up with me somewhat, and I am feeling way down and done. I'm giving myself a hard time and think it's time for sleep. I hope to be more together tomorrow.... I'll think on your post in the morning :)

Goodnight my friend

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

A good night's sleep should help. I'll talk with you tomorrow,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Morning Kate,

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY Laughing

 

I'm happy picturing you and your family at home (well, once you're up!) kids excited it's a holiday, mum in the kitchen (sorry!), big turkey, pumpkin pie... What's for pudding??

 

You've got a busy day today, so I'm not posting, just thinking of you. So have a great family holiday, I'll catch you later with a word or two.

.

graphic

 

Til later

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning Rose!

 

You have such a kind heart. Thank you! It is Thanksgiving here and the anticipation of stuffing ourselves silly (and visiting too of course!) is all finally here. The kids are very happy to be off school till next week and to see their cousins who live out of state and are visiting. I, thankfully, am not cooking this year. We are visiting my brother who is home for the first time in 20 years, after retiring from the Navy. I hope he is ready for us!

 

The turkey is huge and there are many fixings to go with it. I must confess, I am not sure what pudding is. Here in the US it is a soft creamy dessert made mostly of milk and sugar and has a custard type consistency. Jello makes the most common brand. We don't eat puddings for Thanksgiving usually. It's pumpkin pie, pecan pie, and various cakes and other goodies. I made an Eggnog Spice Cake this year along with the usual pies, a new one for me.

 

I will be around for most of the morning (afternoon for you) so if you would like to talk, that is fine with me. I never mind spending time with you, Rose.

 

Thank you again for the card and I'll talk with you soon,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate (but it's so early! even on a holiday!)

So good to hear from you, I'm glad you are leaving the cooking to someone else for a change. Will your sister and family and mother be with you too? That will make a very big gathering. Wonderful! :)

Oh, sorry, pudding is our 'common'term for dessert, or afters. They are called 'sweets' in restaurants. We have Christmas pudding, steam pudding etc which are usually made in a plastic bowl with a lid on it, and are steamed for ages; your pudding sounds, um, well, not for me thanks!! But pecan pie, any day!

As you know I've been battling with the JA system for the last week or so, and have been back and forth this morning bc no matter what route I try to take to give you a bonus it just won't accept it. I have conceded to allow JA to transfer you a bonus on my behalf, but there is no knowing if you have received it (they say you have), but my balance is unchanged. I know you aren't supposed to talk about money, so could you send me a smiley face if you have it from today, or a sad face if not?!

Have a lovely day Kate. I'm glad the kids are off for a few days. Poppy has Fri & Mon off for teacher training, and next Wed for industrial action (teacher pay!)

I'm going to alter Poppy's curtains for her room- using wunder-web (great stuff), then meet Sam at College for his Parent/teacher meeting. But the dogs are driving me nuts, so i'd better see to them first.

I'm smiling for you

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That's ok Rose. It's fun sharing our differences! You have taught me so much and inspired some new and interesting foods in our home. Thanks for the explanation of your pudding. I'll have to try it.

 

My mother and my husband's mother will be there for dinner. My sister is another story. She worked a shift last night so she may be catching up on her sleep first then joining us later.

 

I appreciate your efforts to pay me a bonus. I think there have been some bugs this week in JA. I have had some trouble myself. I have not received anything yet so I'm not sure who they paid, but it wasn't me! Please don't trouble yourself any more with it. I appreciate the thought though.

 

Sounds like you have a busy day planned. I hope all goes smoothly and you can find some time for rest!

 

I'll talk to you later,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I hope you've had a lovely day with your family, fun, food, loving company....

I've been thinking of you; I am silly, I should have posted, I seem to be feeling really lonely. I don't quite know what's got into me, but tomorrow's not far away.

Goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

It was a nice day, thank you for asking! We are all completely stuffed with all the turkey and fixings we could eat. Whew! I was thinking of you as well throughout the day, hoping your day was going well too.

 

I am sorry you feel lonely. Do you feel it is because of our Thanksgiving talk? Maybe it triggered your feelings about your family. What do you think?

 

You are probably getting ready for sleep if not in bed already. I'll be here tomorrow when you feel ready to talk.

 

Have a good night,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I really glad you had a lovely day, you feel as stuffed as the turkey eh? I hope your sister slept well before your celebrations. Does she work in a hospital? Thank you for your thoughts. They mean so much to me. I'm first up, sitting here alone with tears rolling. I don't quite get it, but I think you're right, about Thanksgiving talk, and feelings about my family, from way back, til right now.

My head was a riot, D in from the pub, Sam cross with him bc he had cooked a chinese stirfry and D wasn't here to eat with us, he saying I know how you feel now mum, I say I don't care any more, he said good for you mum. Feelings that I want to get out of this life, of my wrecked body, of my messed up head, but nowhere to go, trapped by my responsibilities and needs of others. Which is fine, I would never run from my kids.

Yes, feelings about my families. I don't know why my brother is riding so high in my thoughts lately, but he's there as if he is the root of all my insecurities. It upsets me greatly if the children are cross with each other, and I go to great lengths to overcome any upset. It made me happy at supper last night to see and hear the kids being jovial together without the stress of their father at the table. I told them I liked it just being us 3 (maybe I shouldn't, but I was so content for a short while), but they both said yes, but they still wished Dad was there (Sam bc he'd cooked for us)

I have to go to my aunt's now. I'll be back later,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Your welcome Rose. You are never far from my thoughts.

 

My sister did end up making it yesterday. She does private duty, working with anyone from a boy who has cerebral palsy to older patients near death. She also works in a mental retardation facility passing out medications. She works a lot of overnight and weekend shifts but usually has Thursdays off so she was able to be there yesterday. I was happy to spend time with her. We don't see each other that often.

 

I am sorry you are feeling down. I know it is painful. But I also think this is a very good thing you are going through, even though it feels awful. What you are feeling is your true and deepest feelings about your life right now and the effects your marriage has had on you and your kids. You are sad because that is a healthy response to what you have been through.

 

Sam is also responding in a healthy way. He is angry at Dave because Dave's behavior is self centered and hurtful. Dave is supposed to be there, with the family, caring, listening and participating. But instead he is off thinking of himself and doing what he wants to do. Sam took special care to fix a meal and Dave should be there, sharing with all of you. Sam knows what healthy behavior is for Dave and understands that Dave is not acting in a healthy way. Hence the anger. He is hurt and disappointed because Dave is acting in a dysfunctional way and the anger covers his hurt. Sam probably finds the anger a more acceptable way to express his hurt. That is why his therapy is so important. It will help him get in touch with the hurt underneath his anger so he doesn't become permanently angry or inappropriately angry in life.

 

Wanting out of your life is also very normal to feel. Of course you want out, Dave makes your life very hard with his behavior and your are miserable trying to cope with it. The stress alone of coping with someone who acts like he does takes a toll. You feel down, tired and overwhelmed. Remember your getaway and how happy you felt being away? That is how you would feel without the stress of your marriage.

 

I have wondered if most of your physical problems could be attributed to the stress you suffer in your marriage. Taking your feelings and stuffing them away has numerous effects, not all psychological. It can affect you physically too. You may not even realize how much since the stress has been over time so was gradually built up.

 

Your thoughts of your brother is your mind trying to tell you something. I think you are right, he was at least part of the reason you have insecurities. Your brother got his behavior from your parents and developed his own distorted view of the world because of it. Then he treated you as he was taught. Your parents did not value you as a person and used you to deal with their dysfunction and your brother witnessed this and has done the same thing. He learned it was acceptable behavior. And you learned to cope with being treated that way because your parents taught you that it was acceptable. Healthy behavior would be to treat you with respect, love and kindness. Equality as well. You are equal in worth and value to your brother. But he treats you much like Dave treats you. As if you do not deserve anything. It is a common theme in your life. But working through this and accepting that you are worthy and deserve better will change the situation and how you feel. By focusing on what is normal behavior, you can change the status quo with how you are treated. When you no longer accept such behavior, then people like Dave and your brother are minimized and their behavior no longer affects you as it does now.

 

This is good progress, Rose. I'd like to keep exploring this and see where it takes you. What do you think?

 

I hope your aunt's went well today and it turned out better than last time.

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you for your long post, it’s just come through as I’ve been writing. Yes, please, keep exploring, I’ll do anything. I’ll come back to it later. I hope you don’t mind a few posts today.

I have lots of feelings... Poppy is off school today. Dave isn't working, he said he needs some time to sort through his paperwork, throw together some invoices and estimates ready for me to fathom out and make sense of, type up. He asked Poppy before I went to my aunts if she wanted to go to town with him, he wanted to get some orange and blue material to add to his Morris Dancing 'tatters' (which of course will be down to me). I felt upset that she was going to town with him, I almost mean jealous, that I didn't want her to spend time with him like that, that I wanted her to be with me. I know this is ridiculous, but now I'm home without her and I feel very sad. I feel annoyed too that he isn't trying harder to make money, use his work hours effectively, save shopping for the weekend.

I did feel lonely thinking of you, and K, celebrating Thanksgiving yesterday, thinking about family time, enjoying company. I kind of wanted to be with the two people that care about me and know more about me than anyone. I feel anxious telling you this, but I wanted to be honest. But if I had had the opportunity I couldn't have been there, I would have been too afraid. I have been OK with skype x1 for a week or 2, but I'm not doing so well right now. I have a real desperate need to be nurtured.

The tears continue unchecked, I feel so weary.
My aunt is OK today thank you. I hope your mum is well.
Are you shopping on Black Friday? By the way, I bought my Christmas crackers the other day, thought of you!!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is completely fine that you send as many posts as you want to today, Rose. I want to be here for you.

 

You are in touch with your feelings and as painful as it is, this is very healthy. Your feelings about having Poppy with you are about deeper feelings you have about Dave and your situation and even beyond that. Someone once said that jealousy is feeling alone against smiling enemies. But your feelings are deeper than that. Shame and insecurity are being covered by the jealousy you feel. You want Poppy with you because you most likely feel Dave is not worthy of her attention. You may feel you are the better parent, you make the effort that counts and Dave doesn't do that. He hurts and is self centered. But he gets Poppy to himself even though acts out so horribly. The injustice of the situation makes you feel jealous. But it also brings up your feelings of insecurity and your worth.

 

Also, Poppy and Sam may help you to not feel the loneliness and pain of your situation. They fill gaps in your life that Dave does not. Seeing them go with Dave or agree with him may bring up feeling angry and insecure. It may also parallel your feelings about your brother. Was he treated better than you as a child?

 

It sounds like you are also feeling angry about Dave's lack of responsibility when it comes to supporting the family. It is on your shoulders and that is a huge burden. He could support the family. There is no reason he wouldn't except his emotional problems get in the way. He also makes a good part of the work he does do your responsibility. He imposes on you. This also connects to the shame and sense of unworthiness you feel about yourself as a result of how your parents treated you. Being treated like a slave is a message to you that you are not valued. But along with that, it is Dave doing it, someone you do not respect and have very strong feelings about. What do you feel about this?

 

You would have been very welcome to Thanksgiving with me. Thank you for telling me about how you feel. I would have enjoyed your company and we would have had a great time. I am sure K would feel the same. We both accept you for who you are, which may be why you feel as you do. You desire to be where you feel you are welcomed. Part of it is also feeling you are not ok where you are. You are surrounded by people who reinforce what you were taught as a child. You also believe this about yourself. K and I however don't treat you that way. We both believe (and I am speaking for her here, I know, but with what you have told me about her I think it is true) that you are a worthy person. It probably feels good to you because that need was unmet for you as a child. You craved your mother's and father's approval and love. So when you do get it now, you want more. You want to be surrounded by that feeling. It is a strong urge for you to have that feeling. But your childhood message was that you are unworthy to be loved so you developed a fear and you shy away from the chance to feel that love. It has become incompatible to your internal message that you are unlovable. That is why you accept the treatment Dave and your brother give you. It is more in tune with what you were taught you are worth.

 

Let your tears come today. Crying is good and helps you express your feelings. It's a cleansing cry and it is helping you stay in touch with your feelings.

 

No Black Friday for me. Ugh. Too much greed and crazy behavior! But I am looking forward to buying my Christmas crackers. I told everyone here about them and they thought they sounded great, especially the kids!

 

I'm thinking of you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you so much for your posts. They make so much sense, you find the reason for every feeling and way of thinking that I have, and that is amazing. If crying is good for me, then I will cry!! I don’t mind the tears, so long as I can share them with you. Yes, painful feelings of despair, but I guess the only way is up (I hope) when feeling so down. I’m making up for all the years that I had hidden my feelings, pretended not to have any, kept them top secret, so nobody knew, not even me.

I was happy wasn’t I, on my get-away. K wants me to have another before Christmas, but I am scared that I might not pick myself up again once I’m home in time for Christmas. Maybe in the New Year. Although I felt upset for Sam, I felt at ease, peace almost, for a short time last evening, during supper, and then finishing Poppy’s curtains. I savoured a stress free half an hour before D came home, and then it caved in on me.

My GP has assumed my physical symptoms to be psychosomatic. I assumed my fatigue to be depression. I put my GI symptoms down to stress and anxiety- everything seems to be muddled up together. It is difficult to draw the line between what is what, and it would be wonderful to think that my physical self will feel better when my stressors have been relieved. I had so many symptoms that were checked out before I was dx with depression that I felt that my depression was caused by my constant visits to the Dr with no apparent cause found after X-rays, bloods, scans etc. Once I was admitted with severe abdominal pain to the point that my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. I had 2 days in hospital, and cried with despair when they sent me home without a diagnosis. I cried for a week, stayed in bed, didn’t know what to do next. I dreaded visiting the Dr, but she called me up when she got the report from the hospital, had me sent for the scan, results NAD, told there is nothing wrong with you, what are you worried it is. I asked for a mirena coil in case it was endometriosis. It goes on, but I won’t.

I think Poppy knew how I felt this morning. I was sitting on her bed, we were trying to work out how to take the battery out of my mobile (DUH!!) and I had to look it up online. She sensed I was tense about her spending time with D, I tried not to show it, but she held my hand while we were sitting there, chatting. She said she loved me before I left for my aunts. She gave me a huge hug when she came home this evening. She said she had a nice time. He dropped her home 4 hours ago, went off to feed the ponies (10 min job) and hasn’t returned. I’m sure he arranges his day so that he has to go out at 5ish, and then he doesn’t need to pass anything by me. So Poppy and I have eaten on our own, Sam is at his girlfriends.

D has just come in......

Til later

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi I’m back.

So, D is home. He came in larger than life, I may have uttered a sound in greeting, but then he was away with his usual monologue, Poppy having to ask him to stop shouting. He was running down a local ‘earthy’ charity, and a fellow musician who is currently on a weeks ‘journey’ (finding Earth, finding Soul), and was being extremely negative about the leader, and the place as a whole. Poppy has stayed there on several primary school residentials, staying in yurts, and had a great time. She wasn’t happy with his rantings. I left (he made no comment that I’m aware of) and came down to my room. He is now playing celtic music (which I love) at full volume, but I can only hear the base booming through my ceiling!

Yes, I do feel insecure about D spending time with Poppy, and yes, I don’t feel he is good enough for her, and wow, thanks for explaining why I felt ‘jealous.’ Kate, THIS IS GOOD WORK!!!!! I’m so relieved to know WHY I feel the ways that I do, I like to understand, so thanks a million. You’re right, I do feel insecure when they agree with him, like the time when Poppy said she admires (isn’t the right word, but it’ll do for the moment) him for having had a colourful youth, respects him for having been anarchistic, for getting himself a criminal record for growing marihuana. I didn’t feel he should have told her much of what she knows about him, and that’s another reason why I feel uneasy with her spending time with him. But I also feel I can’t stand in the way, which of course I can’t, unless he’s drunk, which he will be tonight.

Yes, I believe, in fact I know, that my brother was treated differently to me as a child. He was also never reprimanded for giving me a physical and emotional bad time, and my parents have said in recent years that they don’t know why they didn’t do anything to make our relationship a better one. I don’t remember spending time with him without my sisters there, because I was always afraid of him, he was better than me, I wasn’t good enough for his company. Sam now feels that Poppy is treated better than him by Dave, (which she is), and often says I stick up for Poppy more than for him, but I am very definite that that isn’t and will never be the case.

I think it’s hard for me to accept D not taking responsibility for so much, bc I can’t NOT take responsibility when I have something that is my duty, and so I have become the slave bc I have felt that it is my job, and there has been a need. And bc D is so lacking in responsibility, I have taken on a large share of his rightful responsibilities, knowing that I care more about the environment, the children’s education, their everyday wants and needs, emotional and physical and monetary. I care more about the bills being paid (bc I pay them), about money being earned, and so I have worked all the while, when the children were tiny, about the right way to do things, about being legal. I chase him when phone calls come in from clients cross bc they’ve waited so long for work to be done. He has no responsibility, very little, maybe a tiny bit, but like Sam says, he won’t survive without us, he won’t be able to look after himself, take responsibility for himself and his affairs. His responsibilities are with the publican, or his mates making music. I’m not valued, but he will emphatically tell me that I am. Maybe I am valued bc it means he doesn’t have to do all the things himself, I am enabling him to live his life as he wishes, he doesn’t have to be home for this, up early in the morning for that job, bc he’s self employed, he can do want he wants, and he uses his freedom from authority as best he can. You really cracked it a few weeks ago when you said he hates being controlled by anyone, I daren’t try to look it up, it was when we were talking about him and the Church. He is anti-authority in any shape or form, politicians, Ministers, the Law, Social Workers (hence my fear of them knocking on the door!). And that’s why he likes to be self-employed, and not working FOR somebody.

Yes, yes, yes, I crave that feeling, of being accepted, welcomed, loved, cared for, that I matter, I want to surround myself with it, hold on to it, it does feel real good. But I am afraid in case it goes wrong, that I do something wrong, or THINK I do something wrong, something to harm it, and the feeling that I am left with is harder to bear than the feeling before it was ever there. I do shy away from it, keep it just out of reach, unless I am certain I can hold onto it and savour it, make it last.

Thank you for helping me today, the tears are less tonight. I hope you have had a good holiday Friday.

Talk tomorrow, goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are welcome, Rose. I am glad it helped. You are going through a difficult time and I am happy to be here for you.

 

Another getaway would be wonderful! It exposes you to what you feel like without the stress of Dave and work. After Christmas would probably be better since it would give you something to look forward to. If it's before Christmas you may just be worried about getting home and getting things done. Those good feelings you have without Dave around are probably very much like the peace you felt on vacation. They are just peeks at what life would be like without the stress you suffer through.

 

With all the years you held in your feelings, they had to go somewhere. The only place they could go was in your body. When you think that minor stress can cause muscle tension, aches and pains, think of what major stress could do to your body. I think that without the stress of your marriage and Dave's behavior, you would feel like a new woman!

 

As it is, the stress in your life, years of it, has caused you to always be on edge. Your body has been exposed to extreme fight or flight stress for years now and it takes it's toll. You can only stay on alert for so long before things start to break down. Research has shown that your immune system is affected as well as blood pressure, autoimmune system and even digestion. Also, the longer you have the stress, the more likelihood that you develop anxiety and depression, which you have already experienced.

 

The best option to deal with the stress is to get away from it. But in your case, that is too hard right now. You need to work towards it. But you can start to find pockets of stress free time while you work up towards getting free altogether. We already talked about relaxation techniques some and your getaways are both great ways to create the stress free time you need. Also, finding more and more ways to gain control over your life helps as well. The more you defy Dave, set your own rules and find ways to get what you need, the more you feel in control and therefore less stressed.

 

Poppy was really sweet to you. You are very connected with your children emotionally and it's nice to see.

 

I hope all is calm with Dave home and you get some space to relax. If I don't get a chance to talk with you again tonight, have a good night and I'll talk with you tomorrow.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, you're welcome! Your insight is so good you make it easy to talk with you.

 

It sounds like you are feeling that Dave is irresponsible in his interactions with the kids as he is with everything else. By telling Poppy all about his exploits when he was young, he exposes her to accepting dysfunctional behavior. Although most parents will admit to their children that they did things when they were younger, they usually add that they are not proud of what they did which tells the children that their parents made a mistake. Dave does not sound like he did that, which makes what he did harmful to Poppy and Sam, if he heard it. It makes his behavior acceptable, which it wasn't. It was irresponsible.

 

What you said about your brother makes a lot of sense. Your brother was basically trained from an early age by your parents to be the way he is today. He also learned his lessons well and took in your parents dysfunctional way of childrearing. He was taught he could do no wrong and that he was superior to you. He was allowed to bully you and get away with it, giving his behavior a stamp of approval from your parents. So both you and your brother (and probably your sisters) were treated as puppets in the Mom and Dad theater. I am sorry that happened to you. I can only imagine the pain you suffered as a result of your parents problems, wishing only that you were cared for and loved, not used to vent abusive behavior.

 

It sounds like Sam is on the money with Poppy being preferred by Dave. Dave prefers her because she accepts him, which is a self centered reason. If Poppy acted like Sam did towards Dave, he would reject her as well. So it's not about who Poppy is (sadly) as much as how Dave is happy that his views are accepted. Sam expresses his jealousy (hurt and pain) by claiming Poppy is protected by you as well. He sees the situation as global rather than as it is because he is badly hurt and his pain gets in the way of his logic.

 

You are so on about the situation with Dave and his irresponsibility that you don't even need me! It is very true that Dave depends on you to enable him so he can be irresponsible. I understand Sam's concern that Dave could not live without you, but he could, and most probably would just find someone else to support him. That feeling, that you would be abandoning Dave to the wolves, is part of the abuse cycle. It keeps you tethered to him through guilt (what if he couldn't survive on his own, it would be my fault). Plus, he would play the guilt card for all it is worth because he doesn't want to have to be responsible. Dave would do just fine on his own. His ego and self importance would not let him fail. It may also help him to finally take responsibility. Dave has found in you someone who is willing to put themselves aside for the betterment of others. He has exploited this so he can carry on without responsibility. His treatment of you is also very similar to what you were used to with your parents and your brother. It's a pattern that repeats. Right now you are breaking through that pattern with your insights and desire to move ahead with a better life.

 

You are loved, Rose. And you are cared about. That is not going anywhere. Your kids care for you, I care for you, and I think K does too. Others in your life care as well. At this point, you are exposed to people who make their love conditional on how you act and what you do for them. That is about your old life though. You no longer have to behave in a certain way to be lovable. You can be yourself Rose and be loved no matter what. Unconditional love has no cost. And once you have more of it in your life, you will grow. Weeding out the people who only offer you conditional love and letting in those who love you unconditionally will feed your craving and help you realize that you are a valued person, worthy of love.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

you are amazing, you held me together yesterday, thank you. Here I am in Tescos again, coffee, netbook and wifi, while I wait for Poppy to finish rehearsals. This morning the bottle of wine is empty on the side, but he is up in time for his 'band' practice, the sole focus of his day. His paperwork from yesterday is in a messy pile, (he just needs to go through receipts and make a list, the rest is my job, though I might push that bracket a little further this time, see what happens!....) and won't go any further this weekend. I won't remind him, his bank accounts are screaming for attention, but I will leave it to his discretion)

Home now. I felt very mixed up for the last few hours, things change so quickly in my head. After my coffee I wandered around the shop for a while in a daze of sorts, bought a chicken and some milk for tomorrow. Walking to my car, head down, I walked out in front of a car as I crossed the road. It stopped short, but only just. I picked Poppy up and we headed for home, but stopped at a precinct just out of town to offload some clothes to a charity shop. Sam called me from town to tell me excitedly about a brilliant deal on an ipod dock that he was keen on, and could I come into town to see it. I said I'd rather not, but if he wanted it for Christmas I'd go halves with him (much more than I would pay, but he has his own earnings, so he can be free with his money within reason) He then called me back to say Poppy would really like one too, could we get her one for Christmas, I said it's too much, I won't spend that much on a present, and she already has asked for a pair of boots. He tried to pressurize me to come into town to see for myself, I just wanted to go home I was feeling rubbish. I was so close to saying yes to keep him happy, but also so close to crying bc he was stressing me, I had to give the phone to Poppy to finish the call while I pulled myself together. I felt very anxious, nauseous, all the way home, struggled to talk with Poppy, but she held my hand.

At home I couldn't talk- D was here talking, but I couldn't. I had to come to my room for a while, and just shut my eyes. No more words for you til now, I'm feeling a little straighter.

Sam just in, needs feeding before he goes to work,

back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

I love your idea of pushing the envelope with Dave and his job. You already have enough to do without having to do part of Dave's work as well. It is amazing that he expects you to do these things and doesn't give it a second thought.

 

It seems you have been lost in thought a lot. I am glad you did not have a run in with the car! But it sounds like you are working on something. What are you thinking about?

 

I can understand your indecision with Sam. This is about what you were taught as a child with always pleasing others and making sure they are happy. You depend on others' happiness to make you feel valued. So when they are unhappy, it makes you feel there is something wrong with you. Guilt and shame keep you from feeling ok when others needs are not met. You make yourself responsible for their happiness so you can feel worthy. You are conditioned by your parents to think of others first and put yourself last because you are not valued otherwise. But your worth is not about anyone else's happiness. It is what you think of yourself that matters.

 

Having a better sense of your worth without having to please others is what will help you stop needing to make everyone else happy so you can be happy. That doesn't mean you will not like to help and serve others. But there is a difference between having to serve others and wanting to serve others. Right now you have to in order to have peace of mind. This takes a large toll on you emotionally. You lose your sense of self worth, your boundaries with others and eventually burn out with trying to please others.

 

Sam was doing what a typical teen/young adult does. He sees and therefore wants. Our kids know our buttons so they use them to push. The trick is remembering that you are the adult, so saying no and offering no explanation is your right. Sam will get over it. You are not denying him food. You are saying no to something you do not have the money for. Big difference.

 

Let go of your guilt and the shame. You are a good person if you say yes, no or maybe. It doesn't matter because you are worthy as a person. Your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. If you need to, write that down or repeat it to yourself as you need to. It will help you begin to accept it.

 

I also wanted to recommend two books to you. I know you have just so much time on your hands to read Wink, but they may help you learn more about why you need to please others.

 

Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice by James Rapson and Craig English

 

The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker

 

I hope you were able to get Sam fed and off to work ok. I should be around the rest of the evening if you need to talk.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate.

You just know don’t you!! That’s what I do, Please, make sure they are happy, spot on! If they aren’t happy I can’t be. I put myself in difficult places in order to please, all you say is SO true. Thanks so much for the book refs, I will definitely go to Amazon shortly.

Yes, thoughts, too many at once. That’s what has fuzzed me out- you knew didn't you! :)
I've received a copy of the letter that the Occupational Health Dr has sent to my Manager this morning. I have arranged to see her on Thursday. Driving into town earlier my mind was filled with all the things I imagined telling her in an email before our meeting. The letter tells her about ‘non-work issues which have affected her mood, and this has potentially made the situation more complex’. That I’m seeing my GP regularly, and I’m having appropriate therapy to help me control this; that I found ward work particularly stressful and physically demanding, exceeding my current activity tolerances based on my long- term condition. My imagined email tells her much more than I’d want anyone at work to know, but I know I won’t settle until something is written. I have a need to make her aware of some of my hidden issues, especially as the letter has hinted at them. Already with this letter I am a different person from who she knows, albeit not very well, but I can’t hide behind a uniform anymore. I feel I need to tell her that her expectations of me won’t be met. I interviewed well initially (that was a shock!,) but now for reality. I just have no strength for this, it’s causing me too much angst, and how I ‘perform’ at this meeting will be the root to my future employment. (she will be my main referee). This is getting very wordy, but I’m sure you get the gist!

The feelings I have towards the meeting are- inadequacy, that I have been unable to fulfil the contract; that they took me on in good faith, that I have failed her ‘if you feel you are able to sustain a fixed term contract I am happy to interview you’ (her words in an email to me before they took me on). Fear, that I will be challenged for the length of time taken, that they’ll think me a fraud (invisible illness- look fine on the outside- well sometimes, I don’t look fine very often!!) criticized in any way, that I will have to justify reasons for not being at work. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there to make the numbers right. That they put their faith in me, and I let them down. I feel sick with anxiety that I won’t be able to speak, that I will get muddled and stuck, that I will be regarded in a pitiful way, that I won’t be able to hold my head up high and be in control of my feelings, that I will tremble and cry, that they will never want me back.

Dave has been out with his musician friends, recording or something. He wanted to take the car, but I said I needed it. He tried to turn the van around in the garden, why does he have to churn up the lawn? I ask him now to time and again. He has got it stuck on several occasions when the grass has been damp, and has caused damage to both the lawn and the van. Today he got it stuck. He asked me to get Sam’s (little) car going and pull him out. Sam’s battery was totally flat. My car doesn’t have a tow hook, he looked for one, my neighbours car is too smart to start spinning in the garden!! So D took my car, no other way. Therefore no car to take Sam to work, I borrow my parents. Now I have to wait and see if he is home in time for me to pick Sam up at 22.30. I won’t bother my parents that late, so it may have to be a taxi!

Hope you're having a good holiday weekend, plenty of fun and games!

Goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

There is no need to explain more than your manager already knows about your situation. You are not obligated to explain yourself more than is necessary. You do not owe her or anyone else anything beyond what you have done already.

 

You may have been hired on the premise that you work the contract, but things happen. People's lives to not always follow a straight line that lets them meet all obligations. The only thing you need to explain is that you are too ill to work the job well and you do not want to burden them with a worker who cannot work the job. Your doctor bringing up these issues does not obligate you to explain them. An employer only needs to know why you can't do the job itself, not a full explanation of your issues.

 

Writing out your thoughts in letter form before you meet with her may be a good idea. It would help you organize your thoughts and check out your answer with others. You can practice what you want to say as well.

 

You are not inadequate or a fraud. These are your feelings about not being worthy unless someone assigns you worth. Your employer is not in charge of your worth. She can say anything she wants about you as an employee, and you may feel bad about it, but it does not change the fact that you are a good person. You are giving her a power she does not have unless you let her. You did the best job you could in some pretty difficult circumstances. You can no longer do the job. End of story. She does not need to know that you and Dave are having problems or that you feel too anxious to complete the job. Your fibromyalgia is enough to prevent you from working. The doctor approves. Whatever else your doctor mentioned does not matter. You do not have to follow what your doctor does. You are your own unique person. Your doctor does not know better and your employer does not know better. Only you know your own situation and what you can do and what you can't. That is part of your value as a person. Your right to live your life as you see fit, and having your needs met by not working the job.

 

I hope Dave makes it back for you in time tonight. It sounds like he is acting as he always actsFrown.

 

Goodnight Rose. Sleep well.

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate,

Actually, thanks a million, that muddle is a little less now, still scary, but less muddly!
I've ordered 'Anxious to please' from Amazon, it is so me... :) I'll see if I can get the other in the library

Good night (yes, really)

Rose

Oh yes, D back at 9pm, Sam got dropped home... so glad I didn't have to go out at 22.30
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good night Rose! I am glad you didn't have to go out either. Yay!

 

Let me know if you find the book helpful.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

How're you doing? I am the other side of an exhausting afternoon entertaining Dave's half sister and husband (she is 14 years D's senior) A lovely couple, parents of D's nephew that I have mentioned before. She is nothing like D. We haven't seen them for 2 years, we haven't been to visit them bc of me not being well, we always used to visit them after Christmas. It was really good to see them, and I'm pleased with how I interacted. We have been invited to go up again after Christmas, it's her 70th birthday, I will feel so bad if I say I can't go.

D has just informed me that he won't be working tomorrow bc he's recording again. I got a little cross and suggested he start to use his time a bit more wisely, not take a day off to do paperwork then not do paperwork, do it one evening, or get up before 10am and get it done early. I said does he know what his bank accounts look like? He said he does, but he really doesn't seem bothered.

His van is still stuck in the garden. i think he was assuming he could have the car tomorrow, but I'm taking Poppy riding with her violin teacher in the morning (I'm supposed to be riding too, but last time I went it was too painful to move faster than a sedate walk! And then I have a 2 hour physio class in the afternoon. I hope I'll be able to move.)

So, I'm taking P riding in the morning, then I have to go straight to my physio appt, there won't be time to go home first. Poppy and I asked D if he could pick P up from the end of the valley, a 15 min trip down the valley road, and 15 mins back again. He said I can't take time out, it's a live recording. I said everyone will need a lunch break sometime, tell them that's when it will have to be bc he has a responsibility. But he wouldn't have it. Her other options are her grandparents (no thanks mum), bus from town (detour for me in tight time schedule), or sitting for 2 hours at the hospital waiting for me (groan). I'll let you know what eventually happens!

Oh boy, am I glad I have my own room. D's room is much like the tips that I have shown you pics of before. You can hardly get in the door, the table and chair that he used to jam up against the door when he was trying to shut me out during his fake suicide attempt are still where he left them, everything from the table strewn on the floor, drum, clothes, you just wouldn't believe it. He stripped his bed the other day and put the linen in the washbin. He hasn't put new sheets back on the bed, so, bare mattress, uncovered duvet, no pillow cases. How does he ever think I'll be back in there with him?

A couple of days ago he asked me if I thought massage would help. I said probably, I've been looking into it a bit. He said, that's something I could do to help you. Find some oil, and I'll give you a massage. Kate, you know me, you know how I felt, I won't write it here, but I am afraid that he will ask me again when the kids are out, and I will be expected to say OK, bc it's something that he will be doing for me. I DO NOT want that day to come, ever.

Thank you so much for your post re my meeting with my manager. After not telling anyone anything for years I still hold onto nearly everything (apart from with you and K), but Kathy was upset with me for not being more open, sharing, and I forced some of my barriers down, for her anyway. But now when people ask, instead of denying, I am just stuck, my mind battling with whether I should tell or not, and the silence is telling in itself. But I won't email her any explanations, I will arrange a time, and leave it there. I will be the person she knows until my meeting with her, and then if she abandons me for my other self, then so be it, I will just have to deal with it. K wants to role play the meeting on Tuesday, but I don't know if I can bear to do it. I'll let you know. :)!

Hope your Sunday is a good day, cold here, frosty tomorrow.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

Dave's sister and her husband sound lovely. It sounds like she is kind and accepting of you. If you cannot visit her after Christmas, that is ok. She seems like a person who would understand.

 

Your anger with Dave is certainly justified. He reminds me of a teenager who wants to do grown up things but without all the responsibility that goes with it. He uses you to do the things he wants to do as if you are the parent and he is not. Just with the car situation alone, he doesn't ask what he can do to help, he just assumes you will work it out. How do you handle the stress from this situation?

 

It's good you were able to say something to him. Even if he doesn't respond how you need him to, you have had a chance to vent instead of repressing how you feel and suffering the consequences. And if you do leave him in the future, he won't be as surprised as to why.

 

I would like to know how everything works out tomorrow with Poppy and your appointment. That is quite a lot of juggling you have to deal with.

 

If Dave asks you about the massage when the kids are out, do you feel obligated to say yes? If so, why?

 

When someone who is outside your immediate family or close friends wants to know something personal, you are under no obligation to provide it (even with family you are not obligated). Some people will sense you are willing to tell the information if they try to get it out of you. But that does not mean you have to tell them. As long as your manager knows the basics that she needs to know, you are covered. Knowing that you have right to keep your personal information to yourself helps. This interview is good practice for you. It can help you learn that you do not have to please everyone all the time. And it is impossible to please everyone all the time anyway. No matter how nice and how giving you are, there is always going to be people who are not happy with you. Accepting that this is ok and you can live with it boosts your self esteem and makes it easier for you to assert yourself.

 

Having a practice session with K sounds like a great idea. It's not your favorite thing, I know, but trying out your interview with someone you can trust who is there to help you can give you the confidence you need to face the real interview. Remember, K is in your corner. No matter how it goes, she cares about you. Keep that feeling with you. I care as well.

 

It's rainy here today. It is one of those sleepy, wet days that make you want to crawl under the covers and not get up till morning. It's sounds very cold there. Does it usually get so cold by December?

 

I hope your day goes well. I'll be thinking of you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

Thanks for posting. I'm still feeling anxious with the uncertainty of tomorrow and Poppy, I want her to feel comfortable with whatever happens. The discussion with D was closed abruptly as he got up from the table to sit by the tele, so I'll ask again in the morning. It's just another of those things that I have to try to make work, while he just thinks about himself and what is important to him. There won't be any attempt to offer assistance in any shape or form.

I can't believe D is in tonight, it's music night at the pub. That's telling me possibly 2 things- 1, he feels he's had too much to drink during the last week, and needs a dry night, or 2, he's run out of cash. I'll go with 2! (But he often uses a tab at the bar, maybe that's reached it's limit)

It has been extremely mild til now, just set for a cold spell. This time last year we had heavy snowfall- quite a contrast.

Goodnight :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I know you feel responsible for Poppy. You are a mom and a good one at that, and it is natural to worry about your kids. But whatever happens tomorrow is on Dave, not you. You did not cause this problem, he did. It is ok to tell Poppy that you are sorry Dave is acting this way and making you both go through such inconvenience. If you do it without hostility, Poppy will probably not feel the need to be defensive. But it is clear that this is about Dave and it is not bad to put the blame where it belongs.

 

Have a good night, Rose!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Wow, I’ve been whizzing around today! Poppy and I drove to South Devon to ride. Her violin teacher was teaching first thing, so as time was going to be tight we went early and got the horses in and groomed and tacked up. I was ready for bed after that!! Her teacher came late, and I knew we would be pushing our luck. But I tried not to let time worry me, and made an effort to enjoy the ride for Poppy. (I haven’t been for a few months bc I just can’t do it at the moment). I made it through gritted teeth (such a shame, I love riding), and she had a really good time. This was important for her bc she had lost her nerve with her own pony, and has been scared to make progress with him, so riding with me and her teacher on a horse that was reliable and would look after her was a great confidence boost. It’s a shame that the only day that she could do it was today, as Catherine her teacher has young children of her own who always ride with her when not at school.

So in the absence of a helpful father, Poppy came to Okie with me, and went to the shops on her own while I was at the physio session. My parents were else where, and there were no buses, so I was set to drop her home before my session, which would have made me really late. But she said don’t worry mum, I’ll go to the shops. I asked D first thing about picking her up. He just said right now I’m stressed out bc the van is still stuck in the grass. 10 mins later it’d been towed out by a neighbour with a 4x4. So I said again, what about picking P up for me. He said this recording has been planned for the last couple of weeks, why is she riding today? The ride has been planned for at least a month, I said you only told me about the recording yesterday- he probably wouldn’t have told me at all if I’d not asked him to pick Poppy up. So I said thanks for taking some responsibility for your family. Poppy gets it, knows he only thinks of No 1, totally took on my displeasure with him, and apologies for his lack of thought for others.

We were singing carols in the car! Not a word against them (unlike in D's company.) I asked her to come to Church with me at Christmas, (she always does, they both do) she said she really wanted to, asked when Christingle was to be, The carol service etc.

So, the physio session was just a bit of anatomy and physiology, and some very basic core exercises (a bit like pilates), just to start us off slowly. Bit of a let down really after all my efforts, I was only there for half an hour, but I have a list of exercises to do. Needless to say I’m pretty sore after today, I hope I’ll be able to move tomorrow!

D came in sober, had tea, asked me to sew the material strips he bought the other day onto his morris tatters (I was going to download a pic here, but you’d do better googling them if you’re interested in the bizarreness of Morris dancing!) and then, guess what, he’s out again (you didn’t hear my smile then did you!?) Tomorrow, he tells me, he’s moving furniture for someone. I think he’s lost the plot, surely can’t make a living wage without Mark to show him how. Sam took a phonecall this evening before he came in from his most recent client, the ceramicist, to say that the wall he painted last week is peeling off, so he’ll have to strip it back and start again. Can I scream now, please.....

About the massage....another time....

Hope the kids are pleased to be back at school (somehow I'm not so sure!) Sam had an enforced day at home due to bus misfortunes, he says he's been bored, missed his friends and couldn't get any studying done this evening bc he's doesn't have the mindset for it. He sees his counsellor for the first time tomorrow. I hope he won't be late. Maybe I should call him at lunchtime....

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

It sounds like the horse back riding was fun, at least in a gritted teeth way. Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. It is so good of you to make the effort for Poppy and help her build her confidence. Even through pain you are there for her. You are a good mom.

 

Good for you for what you said to Dave about his lack of responsibility. He has dropped the ball too many times and dumped the parenting and responsibility on you. It is unfortunately clear that he has no interest in helping you by sharing the responsibilities. And it is too bad Poppy needs to see her father avoid helping her out. Dave should understand the affect on Poppy of seeing a husband and father act in such a way.

 

How did you feel telling Dave that he is being irresponsible?

 

I am glad the kids share Christmas service with you. It is something I think they will remember and maybe do with their own children because you showed them how important family is at Christmas.

 

It's good you got started with your physio sessions. It is hard the first few times I am sure. It sounds like it will help you with flexibility and maybe ease your pain some. I hope so.

 

Morris dancing looks like fun.....hmmm. It is interesting that Dave gets to rely on you to do things for him- help him with his business, sewing, etc- but he gets to refuse to help you. What happens if you refuse or tell him you are too busy? This is not so much a revenge thing but more of a responsibility issue. Pointing out that your marriage is not a one way street anymore.

 

My kids go back to school tomorrow. It is kind of odd since most schools around us went back today. But I did squeeze in a doctors appointment for N. I was glad to not need a doctor's excuse for school for that one!

 

Have a good night, Rose,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

I've been anxious for Sam all day, his counsellor appt was at 2.30pm. I've been texting him encouragement for his meeting, telling him that she is there for him to talk about anything he wants, that she is there for him. He texted me that he wanted to let me know how special I was.

He's just home. He waited for half an hour for his appointment, they knew he was there. He was getting more and more nervous, eventually convincing himself that he didn't need to see her. He told the reception that he had to go, that he would make another appointment through his tutor. He's just told me, it's as if all my energy has been sucked out of me, I was feeling quite together today,(well, not really), but now I'm very unsettled. I tried to hide my feelings from Sam, he didn't understand quite how I felt.

Just wanted to talk. Out since 7.30, left D in bed. Day OK, but now home D lying around, ponies not fed. When do I know it's enough?

Rose



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I am so sorry that happened to Sam. How very uncaring to leave him out waiting for his appointment. He must have felt relief and disappointment though when he left. It is hard to be that anxious and wait so long.

 

It was so nice that you supported him the way you did. It sounds like he appreciated it too. I know that this appointment was very important for you. You waited so long for Sam to get help, the day gets here, then this happens. It is a huge let down.

 

Even if he did not see someone, the process is important. You got him an appointment and he went. It is always a good sign when someone is willing to reach out and get help. It is a sign of strength and good mental health. Even though he had a bad first experience, encourage him by telling him that this sometimes occurs. I've known people I've seen that told me of such experiences and I've even had it happen to people in my family. Maybe Sam can try again with someone else next time so he gains some hope the next person will be more thoughtful.

 

You know it's enough when you feel it is. You will know when the moment occurs. Your increasing level of self esteem will meet with your lowering tolerance of Dave's abuse and you will say, I'm done with this. You are getting there, I can see it. You have started telling Dave of your unhappiness with his behavior, becoming bolder each time. You are also talking with the kids about the family situation. And you are working with me and K to build your esteem and talk about your situation. Your goal has always been to change your circumstances. That has not changed as long as I have known you. And I believe when you are ready, you will know it.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I know how Sam felt, I've felt that way many times waiting for my appointments, thinking that I can't do it, I just have to go. Twice I wasn't able to go to my appointments, not even leave home, so I'm with him. I wish they hadn't kept him, that is so unfair. I hope he will try again, I don't want to leave it until he's really in need, but he does have his CAMHs appointment in 2 weeks, not the same thing I know. But yes, a huge let down, I just felt like falling in a pile on the floor. He's in hyper mode this evening, D is not impressed. The sooner he's out the better. I'm seeing K tonight, I'm so tired, not really up to it.

I'll know when the time is right? I hope I'll know when it's the right time, not get it wrong. Poppy said this morning it would be nice if Dad pulled his weight (I had to chase the bus with Sam this morning, but had to abandon the chase bc I had to get P to her violin lesson, so Sam said he'd ask the neighbour for a lift) I'd not had time to do something for P bc of the bus chase, and I mentioned her father lying in bed. And yesterday. He's done nothing for anybody today except move some furniture for a musician buddy, nobody else matters.

I'll talk later. Thanks for posting, I feel a bit more together now. Just count down the minutes til skype time....

Rose

Oh yes, Morris dancing! D only had derogatory things to say about Morris dancers, especially my friends husband, until he hooked up with this same musician friend (Barry), then he was invited along to bang a drum, and suddenly it's wonderful, especially as they are all beer swilling men! More nights out, more excuses to drink beer....
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I do believe Rose that you will know when the time is right to go. Just now you mentioned noticing all the things Dave is not doing that he should be doing to help you and the kids. I think you noticed in the past, but you did not feel anger or get upset about it. You were much more accepting, choosing to push the feelings down and get on with it. But now, you not only notice, but you say something out loud about it to the kids and to Dave. You are also getting in touch with your feelings more and more. This is helping you gain self esteem and bringing you to the point where you realize you do not deserve this type of treatment, not only from Dave, but from anyone.

 

I think it's also good that you are noticing that Dave does for others when he does not do for you or the kids. He prioritizes things according to his own selfish needs. I could not believe when you said he did not get out of bed to help you with the kids this morning. You should not be out there alone chasing buses and trying to get Poppy to her lessons. Having to rely on a neighbor when Dave is busy sleeping is unbelievable.

 

I am hoping Sam can get another appointment soon. How long do you think it will take?

 

I understand not wanting to talk to K. Talking face to face is a strain, I know. I think one step at a time, thinking through your feelings and taking your time will help. I am thinking of you. I hope it goes well and you gain much from it.

 

I'll talk with you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

3 hours tonight. K didn't want to leave me, I didn't hold it together too well. Such a lot to talk about. We finished up with my meeting with management, which I should have started with I guess, but I didn't know where to start today, so we started with today... I think I did gain a lot, I just need to straighten it all out. I wonder if I can do that while I sleep?!

It's all true, he hasn't got up for the kids for years, even when I've been on early shifts I've woken them before I left, kettle boiled, packed lunch made, or phoned from my mobile to make sure they are up and ready for school once I'm at work. There is one thing I have always been adamant I wouldn't do, and that's D's packed lunch. He's only complained on a couple of occasions when he's seen Mark's lunch that his wife has packed! When Sam was at school and was often late for the bus, D would lie in bed and holler at him, which always raised the tension before I chased the bus down the valley.

I hope Sam will get another appointment in a week or two, he had to wait two weeks for today's I think.

Goodnight Kate,

Til tomorrow
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow, three hours! That is one long session. I do believe your mind works on all that information while you sleep. Dreams are about feelings left over from the day.

 

It's a good you stand your ground with Dave on the issue of making his lunch. It is a good start to work on the other issues as well.

 

Rest well, Rose. I will talk with you tomorrow.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

I could barely wake up this morning, late to settle, awake at 5, then my alarm was going off over and over! No school for the kids today bc teachers are on strike (nurses too) over public sector pension cuts. Sam had to be up for the bus bc he had a driving lesson. He missed the bus. I wasn't too pleased, wanted a shower, breakfast, walk the dogs. Dave was just up. 11.15 now and just going to 'work' (repair the poor paint job from last week.)

I took Sam in for his lesson, arrived at college with half an hour to spare. I said I'd like to drop him and go home. He said don't leave me to wait on my own; I said you can go into college and wait, he had some reading to do, but he really didn't want to. I told him all the things I wanted to do, and added getting some diesel. He still wouldn't get out to wait. I parked up for 5 mins, then decided to get diesel while I was waiting. Then I dropped him back at college. I thought about how I should be making him do what I want him to do, I was put out by well over an hour bc he'd missed the bus, but I couldn't risk getting him angry before his lesson, he carries his feelings with him. I felt pent up inside with the displeasure of it all, but tried to keep it to myself. I tried to relax as I was driving home, thinking at least I have diesel, the sun is shining, and I've had a chance to talk to Sam on the way in. Home now, D just gone, breakfast was good! My book has just arrived (being nice? can't remember the title exactly) and so has a letter from D's accountants saying books need to be in in 2 weeks. Sigh. (my job)

I talked with Sam about counselling, encouraged him that he should make another appointment. He said he doesn't see why it will help him, especially when he gets so nervous about it, why would he put himself through that stress again? Why would anyone want to listen to all that c**p. I said hasn't he heard of a problem shared is a problem halved? He said not, I said only it would be better than that. He said he would talk to his tutor again.

He said he doesn't understand why D and I are still together, neither of us are happy, Dad just doesn't bother anymore. I said I'm waiting for the right time. I'm worried about Poppy.

Anyway, that's enough for your early cuppa coffee! Be back later,

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I heard about the strikes and the pension situation on the radio this morning. It has to be difficult to balance what budget needs there are and worker's rights. The retirement age in the U.S. has been slowly rising over the years too. I think it's close to 70 now.

 

Sam sounds like he might be looking for some control in his life. His refusal to do as you asked could be his need for control over his life but also a need to be near you as long as possible. He may be a young adult, but he still has those yearnings. Not that you were wrong trying to get him out of the car and on his way. He also needs to develop empathy for you and your needs. Letting him get away with acting like he did once in a while is ok. He is old enough to know it can't be a habit. Catching the bus on time needs to start being a priority for him from now on. That would eliminate the conflict all together.

 

Sam may be scared of counseling. That could be why he is starting to show signs of refusing to go. He was rejected yesterday when he tried to get help. He was at a very vulnerable point in seeking treatment and the therapist did not live up to their responsibility in helping him with that by being on time and encouraging him. That could be the root of his resistance. Who wants to risk being rejected again? His anger may be a way of trying to cover the feelings of vulnerability and fear. Dave reinforces these feelings by his overbearing behavior. Sam is trying to find his way as a man and Dave's behavior probably makes him feel small and insignificant, not what a young man wants to feel. Having your marriage end appeals to Sam because of those feelings.

 

What do you think?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

thank you. Not feeling too bright today, but you raised a smile by suggesting Sam needs to be on time for the bus! If only! My morning stress levels would be almost non-existent if only he would. My car would be happier on cold mornings (me too! I'll have to start getting dressed before rushing off- pjs and dressing gown aren't too good in a frosty car!) Sam has just come to me to say wake him (as I always do)..he says he 1. wants to catch the bus, 2. hates missing the bus, 3. gets very angry when he misses the bus,... just in case, he says, I think he's doing it on purpose. He's much better at getting up than he used to be. But it's his time management that is the problem. He WILL NOT go without a shower, even if he's pushing the time, has to dry his hair completely (with a towel), almost to the point of OCD, which he has assumed of himself and his need for hygiene in the past. So if he's late, and I say too late for him to have a shower, he won't not have one, and I have learnt not to push the issue bc he gets very stressed. On those occasions I have to accept that I have to take him all the way, there is no chance of chasing the bus. We are in our 7th year of bus chasing, and it never gets better. Even when he's showered and ready, I think great, he's off in time, he stops in the hall, and by the time he's out of the door it's too late. But he hates to miss the bus, he's so happy when he makes it. So I don't get it, and neither does he.

But the rest of that makes sense, and thank you for saying it was OK for me to let him win me over, I was cross with myself at the time, I kept thinking it's not what I want, he will be fine in the college cafeteria, but he didn't want me to go, and I hadn't thought of it as wanting to be with me, but he was grateful that I stayed with him. Good thought about wanting to be in control. He had failed to be in control by missing the bus, and it had made him angry. He suggested I do some Christmas shopping today, then he wouldn't feel so bad about asking me to drive him to town, but I said I had no desire to Christmas shop today,...why not...you have to sometime... So he wasn't controlling what I did, and he felt worse bc I was just driving him there and then going home.

I agree. Sam is afraid of counselling, telling someone he doesn't know all sorts of stuff. I imagine he would be worried to be too open about his dad, not wanting to be mean, admit some things. Maybe he feels he has a weakness that he has to talk about his own problems with himself, and I don't know whether his friends knew that he had plans to see a counsellor. I feel let down by them, that we have to start the process again, and I can't be certain that he will follow it right through again the next time. He ultimately makes his own decisions at college.

I had so many thoughts about my meeting with management at the weekend there was no room for anything else for a while. Tonight I am trying to think about it, and I can't, it won't come to mind any more than in a silhouette, I can't focus on it and prepare myself. I wanted to make some notes to take with me, a crib sheet, bullet points of things to remember in case I get too muddled- I'll try not to use it, but it will give me confidence if I have some thoughts written down. I don't know what about, I don't know what to think about, it is spinning me fast and I'm feeling nauseous.

Alice (Cathy's daughter) has been here this evening, I didn't know she was coming, she was due this afternoon then had transport problems. She came before tea, stayed for tea. The children both had homework to do. She is friends with both P and S so they shared company with her so that they could get their work done. I've been stressed, not coped well with the evenings plans a-kilter, family supper with guest (though she knows D well, and has been around during a couple of eventful evenings) and a hyper Sam. I have tried really hard to be calm and level, not get upset with anyone.

I'm going to listen to K's hypnotherapy recording in a while, forget tomorrow, reboot again in the morning. :)

Goodnight Kate, thank you for being in my thoughts

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like you sorted out what is going on with Sam. It seems he may have some anger issues and control issues that interfere with being on time. Sam has control over his own behavior and being late is a choice. But because he may have some OCD traits that interfere and he is pressuring himself to complete tasks in the morning he does not have time for. It may be that even when he is on time he drags out his morning routine so he can miss the bus. It may help him relieve pressure by missing the bus or it could be about control. But either way, this problem is solvable with therapy, given that Sam is still ok with going.

 

I wonder if Sam is picking up some of Dave's behaviors with how he relates to you. Does that seem possible to you? It would not be unusual in any way since that is what he knows and grew up with.

 

I think it's a great idea that you write things down for tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with having a guide with you in the meeting, especially if you feel flustered and upset. Many people take notes with them. You can put it in a binder of some sort so you feel it's organized. I can imagine that the people or person who you will be seeing will have their own notes as well.

 

Tonight may have been different and threw you off a little, but it can be good as well to have change. It helps you focus better and brings you out a little. Being introverted as you are, it is easy to go into yourself and think a lot. Having a guest in your home forces you out a little and can ultimately help you be a little more extroverted tomorrow.

 

I will be thinking of you. Please let me know how it goes. Deep breaths, focused and calm. You can do this!

 

Good night, Rose,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

You've helped me feel much more settled. Focused and calm. :)

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! You are in my thoughts.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

things are sent to try me aren't they? Sam was doing well for the bus this morning, would have caught it, but guess what? it was 4 mins early- I was watching it out of the window! We chased it further than usual, and when we caught it up others were catching it up too, looking at their watches. As I drove back one lad was left on the roadside trying to get hold of someone to pick him up. We are so rural here it's a long way from A to B! and very infrequent buses. But, he wasn't angry, nor was I we both knew he tried, and it wasn't his fault. We talked a bit in the car about what we could do to make things more certain in the mornings to help us both out. But I don't get the fact that he never seems to be able to rush things, push himself, it's always as if he thinks he has more time than he has, but he does realise the time constraints, just can't act on them. And it's not just the bus, it's everything, including handing in college essays.

I have 15 minutes before I leave. I've just emailed Sam's tutor about his counselling appointment, my mind has been on him this morning. I haven't made any notes, I still can't focus on my meeting Maybe the drive in will help me. I mustn't forget my blue goldstone. I was due to meet a nurse friend for lunch after my meeting, but she has just phoned to say she can't make it, she has a migraine. I'll come home and talk to my dogs! (and you of course)

Til later,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Sounds like you have had an adventure already this morning! Nothing like chasing a bus to get your adrenaline going and to wake you up in the morning.

 

I would guess that your either done with your meeting now or just getting through it. I hope it went well. Let me know when you get a chance.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

well I'm still in one piece! I forced myself to walk onto the ward and went into the office once Jo had seen I had arrived, I didn't want to talk to anyone, they'd say how are you doing. She was very busy, short staffed, I had to wait a while for her to be free. I'd been tearful in the car driving in, I didn't think there was any way at all that I'd stop the flow once I was there, so I just got my tissues out and waited. She came in and locked the door, people are always just walking in. She told me that she and the management had decided not to renew my contract when it ends in January. She said they aren't taking any staff nurses on with the budget shake-up, just Health Care Assistants. She stressed it wasn't bc of my sickness, it was purely budgetary. She was keen to praise me as a nurse and person, and said I had a lot to offer, and mustn't stop nursing again since I have worked so hard to get back in. She told me that she would talk to the Nurse Bank and request me when I'm back at work so that I can continue in an environment that is familiar to me, with staff that I know. She said she was very sorry that I was unwell, and was caring and sympathetic.

She and her job-share manager had felt that maybe they had pressured or rushed me into taking the job after my practice placement. They felt that they were partly responsible for me not being able to cope, and hadn't given me enough time to readjust after completing my training, and a chance to get used to my 'new diagnosis'. She talked and I listened, with the inevitable tears. She appreciated that I had been honest throughout and had kept them informed, and that Occupational Health had been involved. I said sometimes I felt it would have been better for me to push myself through to the end, then I wouldn't have had all the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. She said you're not well, in pain, it's too heavy. She asked me about my meds, about my manual dexterity (OK but weak, sometimes pins and needles) my therapies and my home situation (she just got a nod or a shake of the head for that), but she didn't make me feel belittled bc I was upset. She said she would write everything we had discussed formally, and I'd be hearing from her soon. So it's done, and I think I feel better having spoken with her in person.

She asked me if it was what I was expecting. I said I wasn't expecting them to renew my contract. I'm glad they didn't offer to, but my answer would have been no. However, part of me thinks that they didn't offer to renew it bc of my sickness, or some other personal reason, but I will rise above my doubts and leave them there.

I phoned a friend (my neighbour) who works in town, and we met for lunch, which I regretted bc I didn't feel like talking when I got there. Sam phoned me from college to ask where I was, the library was full and he couldn't do his work in the canteen, so I was able to bring him home with me.

I emailed his tutor this morning (did I tell you that?) and she has just replied to say that the counsellor had emailed her to say there had been a 'misunderstanding over the appointment (not sure what that means)', and another appointment is available for him on Friday (tomorrow I guess). So, I hope he goes...... (but he doesn't know about it yet)

I've promised Sam I'd give 'toad-in-the-hole' a go for tea tonight (new one on me), so I'd better get a move on!

Til later

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I hope you got my long post a few mins ago, not sure what's happening....

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Yes, I'm here. I'm writing back now.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh Kate,

I wasn't rushing you, it was just telling me that my post had already been sent when I went to send, but it wasn't showing up on the thread, I see it's there now. :) :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow, Rose, that is good news! It sounds like Jo is very accommodating and very thoughtful. I am so glad it went well for you.

 

I agree, your contract could have been cut because of your illness and the budget both, but if other nurses are not being renewed as well, then it is probably mostly due to the budget. The economy is horrid and there are lay offs everywhere. They may have needed to make a cut and just found your situation easier to justify because you are ill right now.

 

It is kind of her to praise you so much. You are a good nurse and a good person, but I wonder if you can take that in. I'm not sure you heard her enough to believe what she said. It is very true. You care a lot about people, you have great empathy and you are serious about your job. Those are all great qualities for a nurse.

 

I am also concerned that you feel guilty about not pushing yourself through to the end. What purpose would that serve? You would have been in great pain, not been able to get treatment and rest like you can now, and just ended up being less effective. It seems that this may have more to do with feeling the need to please and not be trouble to someone, to not have needs yourself, than actually needing to be there as a nurse. But it doesn't sound like they are upset about you caring for yourself. Matter or fact, they are asking for you to come back. So you left a good impression. Feeling guilty is not needed.

 

I am glad to hear Sam can get another appointment for tomorrow! I hope he will go. This is a good chance for him to get the process started and get on the road to helping himself feel better.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

You're right, but I do hear you now. I sometimes wonder to myself how other people really see me, I think they can't possibly have good things to say or think about me, they must think of me the way I do, so words are only made up to make me feel better. But I hear you, and thank you.

I have had such horrible feelings since I've been off sick, feelings that I wouldn't have had if I'd pushed through. If my GP hadn't looked at me that day and said you need a week off, then I would have been at work every shift. If I hadn't had that week off I wouldn't have thought to myself that I'm not ready to go back at the end of it, and then it was a further 3 weeks, and psychologically I didn't see that I could go back at all, a snowball effect, it was getting bigger and bigger in my head, my work, and it was getting scarier and scarier, and the more I worried the more badly I felt about not being at work. And it was asking for something for myself, time off, and I know I am feeling better now bc of the time off, but there is still a lot of upset feelings too. I'm relieved that I didn't have the stress of managing home while working, stress of working, working with pain, having to sleep when home from shift, being so tired that I can't cope with the children. I am relieved, and I know I'll just have to absorb my bad feelings, and realise that it was for the best, XXXXX XXXXX the only way, bc I couldn't have done it, and tried to get better at the same time, have my therapies, rest, sort myself out.

Toads about cooked.

I'll be back

Thank you Kate. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Exactly Rose. It is about putting yourself in that little expectation box and forcing yourself to follow rules made a long time ago for you by your parents. Rose is not good enough unless she pleases everyone around her. It is a very wrong message but one you heard so much that it became part of you.

 

It is very good you did take the time for yourself. It shows you that the world doesn't fall apart nor do people get angry and upset with you if you do not do whatever they want you to. Jo was kind to you instead, which sends the message that taking care of yourself is ok. And pleasing others is not necessary. They can take care of themselves.

 

Toad....hmmmm. I have to ask. What are you making?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

 

OK, 'Toad-in-the-hole'.... why on earth is it named that, I must just google for a min....Ok, no real explanation; so, it is a traditional English dish that is sausages baked with Yorkshire Pudding batter mix surrounding it. The toad ref is simply that the ends of the sausages poking out from the batter looks like a toad sticking his head out of a damp hole looking for insects to pounce on!! The batter is a mix of flous, eggs and milk. But you probably already know this. Give it a whirl, sooo easy, can't think why I've never done it before, but be sure to have lashings of onion gravy. Yum.

 

graphic

 

Only thing that spoilt it was D back from the pub, full pelt shouting at me and spitting broccoli in my face!!!!!!!! I'll say no more. :(

 

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

 

OK, 'Toad-in-the-hole'.... why on earth is it named that, I must just google for a min....Ok, no real explanation; so, it is a traditional English dish that is sausages baked with Yorkshire Pudding batter mix surrounding it. The toad ref is simply that the ends of the sausages poking out from the batter looks like a toad sticking his head out of a damp hole looking for insects to pounce on!! The batter is a mix of flour, eggs and milk. But you probably already know this. Give it a whirl, sooo easy, can't think why I've never done it before, but be sure to have lashings of onion gravy. Yum.

 

graphic

 

Only thing that spoilt it was D back from the pub, full pelt shouting at me and spitting broccoli in my face!!!!!!!! I'll say no more. :(

 

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Something weird going on with JA tonight, I've just deleted the third repeat of my last post!
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I noticed that JA is sending three copies of your post to me too. Strange. They have been having glitches a lot lately it seems.

 

Struggling to get out of the box is ok. It is actually good! It will get easier with time. That is why I was so glad you made the effort today with Jo and that she was so nice to you. It gave you a chance to see that getting your needs met does not end like your parents taught you- with you being considered bad and unworthy.

 

Thank you for explaining Toad in the hole and providing a picture. I've never heard of it but it sounds good. I'll have to try it. I have two sausage fans here so they would definitely take to it!

 

Broccoli in your face- I hope that isn't what I am thinking it is. That would not be good. Let me know what happened when you get a chance.

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I couldn't get to my answer til late this morning, problems with the JA site, so I think I'd better start a new thread- can you grab it if you're online for a bit longer? I'll just start it off, not written a post yet, is that OK?

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am glad you are ok.

 

Yes, I will look for your new thread. I'll be here a bit longer.

 

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education