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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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I am a Canadian citizen working in the USA ,I have been here

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I am a Canadian citizen working in the USA ,I have been here for ten years. My husband and kids are unable to work because we did not fill out the proper immigration claims when we first arrived. My son 21 has gone back to Canada and is living with my sister and finally for the first time in his life has a job. It took dropping out of school a $15000 loan along with that and $150.00 counseling but he is moving forward. He like me deals with depression,he uses pot and antidepressants. I used antidepressants, and anti-anxiety med. My daughter is 20 and going to a local college and doing great,she does not work and since we live paycheck to paycheck she is on a tight rope. Her boyfriend a USA soldier in national guard he did a stint in Afghanistan and has been back a less than a year,he is staying with us because he has lost his license for DUI and initially was attending the same school but since has dropped out. He stays up very late playing on line war games and sleeps in,she studies,and cook for them, he does not wash,cook,clean do laundry he does manly things???. I want to say something but think if I just wait until the semester is over it will be much better for her,and then she will have energy to decide what to do,because I am trying my best to just hold on a few more weeks. One of the reasons I have been so weak about this is because my husband has not worked for ten years he does do cooking,cleaning,washing yard work but no more than I do my bedroom has never been painted and my two garage is loaded with junk. He loves to read, and spend time with me watching tv golf ,fishing,,football, NASCAR. I have told him he needs to step up that I am at my end of my tolerance since he is hold full time,he should of least have house organized, cleaner and basic repairs kept up. he was a handy man turned management for 20, we came from Canada because his job was stressful and my job paid better in USA and ten years ago we made great profit on exchange, now $30,000 credit card debt(son hockey player) and house now less than we owe I am not sure if I should pack up and head back north. I have been at my job for ten years so finally getting seniority and increased vacation time,changing again means me starting over. My chief question is I have explained my frustrations,he does not pay bills,when I ask him to pick up milk order oil it is five days late or I do it my self. I told him that I don't know if we can survive if he doesn't contribute more, This conversation has been going on for a few years . I have been with him since I have been 15 1/2 years old. Sex is like once a month, He is happy just to text friends and spend time with me doing small things like making me toast and tea, running a bath but not coming through on the bigger self,for an example I ask him to get my car emission tested it was due a week ago. He is a nice guy,so I feel mean when I get frustrated and angry,he does say he will ry harder but no follow through. I ask him what he would do if I quit work ,he looks at me and doesnt answer because he know it would never happen. He never gives a true answer other than he will try harder. I feel like I am setting my daughter up for settled for the same,if he had even pick up a few odd jobs over the years we probably would not been in debt he has probably earned 5000 dollars in the last ten years. I need words,I need help to articulate what to say,that is the other thing I have 5 years post secondary education he has GED, but hands down he is more articulate. He also says I am anal and need to chill I said this would be much easier to do if I knew he did the few chores I asked hi to do. I pay all the bills,grocery shop,he will usually come and buy all hygiene necessities.. I am not stupid but afraid ,I need help with starting the process any suggestions. I take wellbutrin,Tylenol with codeine,hydro-codon for pinch nerve pain,and vitamins my doctors want me to have cervical disc replacement but I know we cant afford cut in pay. Also one more thing I work permanent nights t make significant more money,so if i do surgery this 25% pay would be lost . I believe in loving kindness,but I think I have this confused with allowing people to let me take on more of my share than is fair? How do I get my husband of 27 years to step up,and what should a do with daughters boyfriend who probably does have PTSD,but plays war game until 3-5am


Every time I approach my husband he does dishes,I just approached my daughter and she says I always cause trouble and to mind my own business and I tell ehr to leave.she wont.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
You need to focus on one or two change items at a time until completed and then move on to the next. Here are some change items I would suggest.

Change number one: How about your husband goes to Canada and works for 6 months and sends a lot of his earnings to you. Gets him contributing to his full potential and helps him feel best about himself.

Change number two: As soon as semester is over tell daughter boyfriend needs to go and if she doesn't like it she can go too.

Change number three: Say a million times to yourself "because I love you I am willing to be firm with you" This statement applies to every person in your family. Keep saying it until you can apply it and then keep saying it some more.

Change and be less miserable or don't change and be more miserable.

I wish you great success in making one or two changes.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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