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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband and I have very emotional fights. Usually when I

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My husband and I have very emotional fights. Usually when I am hurt I cry a lot and tell him everything that I feel bad about. He starts blaming me for everything and I feel even worse. My emotions take over me and I feel miserable. And when we fight like that he doesn't feel any sorry for what he says or does. I beg him to feel sorry for me and just stop being so aggressive towards me and he just keeps hurting me more. 2 months ago we had an awful fight and I cut myself badly right in the middle of the fight, in front of him. I never meant to kill myself but at that second I couldn't take any more of his accusations. I had so much pain. When I am hurt he tries to hurt me more verbally, now it is becoming even physical. He would hug me when I cry and would squeeze me so hard that I can't breathe. He told me I am crazy and now when I cut myself does it make me not normal? My mom is a psychiatrist but I want someone else to tell me why I couldn't control myself. I feel so vulnerable with my husband because I love and trust him. It feels like he just likes hurting me. Now when my arm is healing after surgery he still tries to pick a fight..Is this normal how I feel with him and how he acts?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you and your husband have very emotional arguments. As a result, you become so upset that you feel overwhelmed with your feelings and have no outlet for your feelings. You mentioned that you cannot get your husband to care about how you feel. The pain you experience as a result of not feeling your needs are met it what causes you to feel overwhelmed. It also sounds like there may also be some emotional abuse going on if your husband is picking fights with you when you are recovering.

 

As a result, you cut yourself. This is an expression of your deep emotional pain. This is the way you cope. But you can find better ways to handle your feelings. Here is what you can try:


First, understanding that cutting yourself is a way to express your deep pain and emotional distress. It feels that hurting yourself is the only choice because for a while, it makes you feel better. But the feeling only lasts a short time then you are back to where you were.

Second, take a look at your triggers. Why do you feel the need to cut? What are your feelings right now?

Third, find a new way to cope. List things you can do instead that you feel would help. Yelling into a pillow, crying, going out for coffee, calling up a friend, etc. Make a list and keep it where you can see it.

Fourth, develop support. You can have one or two people you trust that you can call and confide in, or try a hotline. Talking to someone can make a big difference. Or find an on line forum where you feel comfortable. Sign on when you start feeling the need to cut. Talk it out.

Five, therapy. Talking this out will help you solidify new ways to handle your feelings.

All of your feelings are very normal. You just need to change how you handle your feelings so you can find healthier ways to cope.

Also, you may want to learn more about emotional abuse to see if this is a problem in your relationship:


http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

I hope this helps you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You may also want to consider therapy for you and your husband to help you both communicate better. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. Or contact your local United Way for community mental health resources.

Kate

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