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WOW! I have read your post a couple of times and I am so sorry you find yourself in this exceedingly trying situation - and I am also especially sorry for your daughter!
Yes, sir! It is one of the hardest and most trying times of my life. I just don't know what to do. I love her very much but I can't keep giving and giving and her taking and taking. Not only from me but from our daughter. She used her this last time and broke her little heart for the 3rd time. I can't let that happen anymore or at least keep it minimal.
This is a story that many would say is "too far fetched for fiction" but sadly as you say it is all true. I have dealt with many very similar situations - I don't say this to minimize what you are going through, but to let you know you are not alone.
It is natural for you to want to fix things and make things right for your daughter and your family. However, it is not working and I must tell you that while I don't have a crystal ball I don't think it will ever work :(
That is very sad to hear from an expert and that is something I need to get past but will take a long time to get over.
Many in your situation have continued to forgive and let the other person "back in" but as you can see from your past, that doesn't do anything but prolong the suffering and keep you from healing and moving on.
Your daughter is growing everyday - you can't "freeze" her childhood - don't miss the opportunity to let her see that even in the most challenging situations there can be hope and happiness :)
That is something I plan to do everyday. Everything I do and have done has been for my family. They are the most important people in my life. My wife is the most selfish person I have ever met. Her parents kicked her out even, I go see them every few days so my daugher can see her grand parents. But I don't know how long it needs to be before she actually sees her mother. I know it can't be immediately and that she needs quite a bit of time. My daughter doesn't even want to talk to her on the phone.
What I'm saying is this..... (If I may take some liberties here...) stop looking back at what could have been and hoping to repair the relationship with mom or paving the way for mom to take advantage of your daughter under the guise of love. I'm sure she does love her (emotionally) but she can't love her (pragmatically - love as a verb) as long as the drugs have a hold on her - and in my experience the drugs will have a hold on her for many years at the very least and maybe forever :(
It is important for you to remember this (and this may be the most important thing to take away from this) - YOU DID NOT BREAK HER AND YOU CANNOT FIX HER.
This is good, this is what I need to hear!!!!!!
I want to add that my wife signed divorce papers and gave me full custody of my daughter with visitation that is strictly up to me
If your daughter doesn't want to see her, then she doesn't have to. As hard as this is, it is also a great opportunity to show your daughter what real love is. It's a lot on your shoulders, but it's not more than you can handle, given what you have already been able to manage!
Show your daughter that love is not manipulative, it is not allowing yourself to be made a martyr (as your wife has tried to manipulate you into doing), and so on.
Show her that you don't have to lose your identity to the one you love, show her that she deserves respect and that her love needs to be reciprocated appropriately.
I can do this!!! So no timeline on seeing her mother, just get myself back to where I need to be and help my daughter do the same. Don't worry about her mother and don't try and win her back or even accept her back if she does come back. Show my daughter how to be a good person and how to respect people as well as herself.
Now, this is not easy... In my experience folks in your situation benefit greatly from either a therapist or a relationship coach. BUT you are on the right track!
That is to say exactly on the right track!
I plan on going and seeing a therapist and getting my daughter in to therapy as well. I guess my initial thoughts were I need to get my daughter acclimated to her new living situation and not let her mother interrupt for a while.
Exactly! Well done :)
As an added bonus, I would suggest that you get involved in a support group for single parents or a support group for people who have loved ones addicted to drugs. You can easily find one on meetup.com or you can even start one if you prefer - but this has helped many of my clients :)
I hope I have helped you and this has been a good experience for you. Frankly it was very good to work with you and I wish you much success, it won't always be easy but as I said you have already been through worse. And it will definitely be worth it!
Awesome! I can and will get through this! It has its ups and downs already and it's only been a short period of time but I know we can. I keep telling my daughter that we will get through this because we have each other. Thank you so much!
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