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AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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I have a 6 year old daughter and my wife just left us

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I have a 6 year old daughter and my wife just left us for another person and doesn't want anything really to do with her. She told me that she would see my daughter when she can but I don't think it's right for her to pop in and out like that. It could be 3 months or 1 year before she comes back. My question is in a situation like this, how long should I wait to get my daughter acclimated to the situation before I let my wife see her for my wife's own personal benefit? My wife ran off last year at the same time for a month and a half and she has been know to be on methamphetamines, pills, marijuana and just about anything she can get her hands on. She cheated on me with 14 different people that I am aware of in the past 2 years. The person she is with now after telling me she wanted to do this on her own and that it was not anyone's fault but her own, was part of the breaking up of our family and promised her all kinds of material things. I am at a loss and this is only part of the story.  We had a great marriage and a great friendship but the last 2 years she has done nothing but want to party, sleep with other people, and not take care of her responsibilities.  My daughter is my life and I will never understand why someone would leave a perfectly good family or break their daughters heart.  She told me that she will probably come home one day, just give her some time and let her get this out of her system.  She is not only cheating on this guy she is currently with but she tells me when she comes back that it will be like it was before but then she will leave again.  She told me that she couldn't ignore the screaming inside of her anymore telling her to GO.  The sad thing is my daughter gets to feel all of the pain and 2 days ago she proceeded to beat the crap out of a tree with a stick, screaming, crying and yelling at her mother that she was mad and upset and that she didn't know why she left us.  there is so much stuff I could put in here and sadly it's all the truth.  I want to get some help for my daughter but need this question answered soon so I can be prepared if my wife comes back to town anytime soon.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer. Let me see if I can help here..

Customer:

thank you!

AgapeDoc :

WOW! I have read your post a couple of times and I am so sorry you find yourself in this exceedingly trying situation - and I am also especially sorry for your daughter!

Customer:

Yes, sir! It is one of the hardest and most trying times of my life. I just don't know what to do. I love her very much but I can't keep giving and giving and her taking and taking. Not only from me but from our daughter. She used her this last time and broke her little heart for the 3rd time. I can't let that happen anymore or at least keep it minimal.

AgapeDoc :

This is a story that many would say is "too far fetched for fiction" but sadly as you say it is all true. I have dealt with many very similar situations - I don't say this to minimize what you are going through, but to let you know you are not alone.

Customer:

Thank you!

AgapeDoc :

It is natural for you to want to fix things and make things right for your daughter and your family. However, it is not working and I must tell you that while I don't have a crystal ball I don't think it will ever work :(

Customer:

That is very sad to hear from an expert and that is something I need to get past but will take a long time to get over.

AgapeDoc :

Many in your situation have continued to forgive and let the other person "back in" but as you can see from your past, that doesn't do anything but prolong the suffering and keep you from healing and moving on.

AgapeDoc :

Your daughter is growing everyday - you can't "freeze" her childhood - don't miss the opportunity to let her see that even in the most challenging situations there can be hope and happiness :)

Customer:

That is something I plan to do everyday. Everything I do and have done has been for my family. They are the most important people in my life. My wife is the most selfish person I have ever met. Her parents kicked her out even, I go see them every few days so my daugher can see her grand parents. But I don't know how long it needs to be before she actually sees her mother. I know it can't be immediately and that she needs quite a bit of time. My daughter doesn't even want to talk to her on the phone.

AgapeDoc :

What I'm saying is this..... (If I may take some liberties here...) stop looking back at what could have been and hoping to repair the relationship with mom or paving the way for mom to take advantage of your daughter under the guise of love. I'm sure she does love her (emotionally) but she can't love her (pragmatically - love as a verb) as long as the drugs have a hold on her - and in my experience the drugs will have a hold on her for many years at the very least and maybe forever :(

AgapeDoc :

It is important for you to remember this (and this may be the most important thing to take away from this) - YOU DID NOT BREAK HER AND YOU CANNOT FIX HER.

Customer:

This is good, this is what I need to hear!!!!!!

Customer:

I want to add that my wife signed divorce papers and gave me full custody of my daughter with visitation that is strictly up to me

AgapeDoc :

If your daughter doesn't want to see her, then she doesn't have to. As hard as this is, it is also a great opportunity to show your daughter what real love is. It's a lot on your shoulders, but it's not more than you can handle, given what you have already been able to manage!

AgapeDoc :

Show your daughter that love is not manipulative, it is not allowing yourself to be made a martyr (as your wife has tried to manipulate you into doing), and so on.

AgapeDoc :

Show her that you don't have to lose your identity to the one you love, show her that she deserves respect and that her love needs to be reciprocated appropriately.

Customer:

I can do this!!! So no timeline on seeing her mother, just get myself back to where I need to be and help my daughter do the same. Don't worry about her mother and don't try and win her back or even accept her back if she does come back. Show my daughter how to be a good person and how to respect people as well as herself.

AgapeDoc :

Now, this is not easy... In my experience folks in your situation benefit greatly from either a therapist or a relationship coach. BUT you are on the right track!

AgapeDoc :

That is to say exactly on the right track!

Customer:

I plan on going and seeing a therapist and getting my daughter in to therapy as well. I guess my initial thoughts were I need to get my daughter acclimated to her new living situation and not let her mother interrupt for a while.

AgapeDoc :

Exactly! Well done :)

AgapeDoc :

As an added bonus, I would suggest that you get involved in a support group for single parents or a support group for people who have loved ones addicted to drugs. You can easily find one on meetup.com or you can even start one if you prefer - but this has helped many of my clients :)

AgapeDoc :

I hope I have helped you and this has been a good experience for you. Frankly it was very good to work with you and I wish you much success, it won't always be easy but as I said you have already been through worse. And it will definitely be worth it!

Customer:

Awesome! I can and will get through this! It has its ups and downs already and it's only been a short period of time but I know we can. I keep telling my daughter that we will get through this because we have each other. Thank you so much!

AgapeDoc :

Please don't forget to click on the green accept button because I need to get credit for my work.

AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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