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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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How do you cope with a narcissist sabotaging you?

Resolved Question:

How do you cope with a narcissist sabotaging you?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
I am so sorry you are faced with this terrible situation. Will you give me some more details about how you are/were related to this person and how he/she has slandered you. Also what time frame has this happened in.

Whom has this person lied to about you and what have been the consequences?

Thanks for your question and thanks for the additional information.

Mark
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The person in this case is unfortunately my husband. We have been married about 3 years. I noticed his friends and coworkers began to avoid me and not look me in the eye. He claims I am horribly jealous, will not let him do things on his own, and I interfere in his relationship with his children. As far as doing things on his own, I have discovered he lies on a continuous basis. He will disappear for hours, tells me he was playing tennis, then I discover he was never there. I become angry because he is not where he tells me, comes home hours later than he originally tells me. His version is that I am needy, and have to have him around all the time and I get angry when he has plans with his friends. As far as his relationship with his daughter, it is an odd one, there does not seem to be the normal father/daughter boundaries. She will go out to Victoria's Secret and model her new bra and panty set, she was 17 at the time. They discuss things like his vasectomy and they watched a video of a stripper she supposedly knew in highscool. I strongly objected to this and other similar behaviors. He claims I am jealous and told his coworkers his poor daughter was only trying to model her new clothes, and I couldn't handle how close their relationship is. I got a lecture from his friends concerning this, that I should let him be a Dad and how could I be so cruel as to not let her model her new clothes. I can't object to very questionable behaviors without being painted as Cruella D'ville.

He exhibits other narcissistic traits such as gas lighting, which kind of falls into the same category as sabotage, he will make plans with me or say something very cruel and deny he ever said it, claims I am crazy or forgetful. I have a Masters Degree and I am considered a very astute person by my coworkers. I have never been in a situation like this and I have no idea how to handle it. My husband is a physician and can be very charming and believable. It is actually another physician that suggested he was a narcissist, he was the family physician and I confided in him about some of the stuff that was going on. He said get out and get counseling. I don't think the counselor believes me and has not been helpful.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
The people who want or need to believe him will, there is nothing you can do about that. Eventually this type of personality alienates himself from those who don't want or need to believe him.

You are in the last part of a typical cycle that goes something like, "wow he is charming, oh I think I like him, look at all the benefits to being in relationship with this person, oh this is exciting, I think some things are not right here, well they are minor and I probably am just misunderstanding the situation, no that's too far, I am calling him on some of this behavior, he and all his friends say I am crazy, am I crazy?, he is so convincing, and his friends are so convinced, I feel trapped and confused, what do I do?
The next step is distance from the individual, but that is met with punishment and reprisal (especially of the emotional type).
I am sorry to inform you that the family physician was correct. There is no coping with this type of person, you either join his warped world or you leave the relationship.
You will see in time that he will not, or can not, change and so hopes of his reform and your happiness therefrom will not be realized.
Stay as long as need be to satisfy your self. Only you can decide what is best for you in this situation.
I am sorry you are realizing he is not what you thought he was. Any others who want to see this will, just like you, when they are ready.
It is so painful to progressively have your hopes and dreams for the relationship shattered. I am sorry for your pain.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
p.s. If you have not all ready accessed info on Narcissistic Disorder there is much available on the web which may aid in your understanding.
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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