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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My wife has stopped having sex with me she started pushing me away about three months ago.

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My wife has stopped having sex with me she started pushing me away about three months ago. I brought it to head and forced her to tell me what is wrong. She says our sex life is dysfunctional and having sex with me makes her feel like a prostitute (which hurts). Our sex life has always been up and down as she has had two bad bouts of post natal depression and i was in the Navy for most of our marriage. I have undoubtedly got lazy in bed with her and my sexual frustration has made me rush my sexual opportunities. I love and desire her so much and i’m desperate to put things right. She says that she just wants to be friends first but i think she is just relieved that she does not have to confront the problem. I am tearing myself apart about this and desperately need some intimacy to establish friendship, she says there can be no intimacy without friendship. I am trying but it is so hard. What do i do.
cheers
Del
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi, Dell! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Dell, I am not clear: if the problem is that you are rushing sex too much, why have you not slowed it down and done more romantic foreplay to soothe her?

Is it a question that you need help in how to do this?

Or is it that there are other problems in the marriage that are also affecting the sex?

If so, what might those problems be? Why might she not be feeling loved?

Has she gotten treatment for Post Partum Depression?

Is she getting any treatment right now? If so, what type? How is it going?

If not, when was the last treatment? What type of treatment was it? Was it helpful?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I think i have rushed sex and not taken the various hints she has given me and she has become very frustrated and angry with me.

Our marriage has always been strong from other perspectives we have trust and respect for each other but our sex life has eaten away in the background for years now. I had decided that she was just not that interested as that’s the vi bi had always got. Every now and then it would be good for a short time and then drift off. I know i can sort it out but need the chance.

She says we have just drifted apart and i do not make her laugh anymore, this is true but i feel under such pressure around her now to make it work that i cannot. I have gone into a cycle of mood swings and i’m now on Prozac but i’m not sure if i need it, as i think if i just got some affection i would feel ok. I have got hold of my moods now but all the time i am with her i just cannot get over the fact that she does not want me to touch her. The root cause of all our problems if defiantly sex but just do not know how to get her to be intimate with me so as to start putting things right.

She has been treated with Prozac twice both with successful outcomes the last time she took it was about 20 months ago. She has got herself very fit and with that has come the confidence. She is very outgoing now and has lots of friends which has also made me feel unneeded. I have come to resent the gym and any, mention of it as it seems more important than me. Since she has got fit and started reading all these womans fitness magazines she now comes out with statements like i want the whole package now not just a nice guy. Which is defiantly come out of these magazines which are full of sex tips etc for the modern woman.

We live in Rarotonga in the Cook Islands me being in what should be my dream job. We are British and moved to New Zealand three years ago and then here this year. This is the most time we have spent together in the most stress free environment and should be amazing instead it is turning into a nightmare. We are going to the UK Christmas for the first time in 3 years and i really feel the pressure to do something before then as i cannot imagine pretending in front of family and friends. I have offered to cancel the trip but she is more concerned about letting other people and the kids down, she does not want to go on but insists that we do. I find it hard to deal with that she can get on with her life and not seem bothered when it is the only thing i can think about.

thanks

Del

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Del, thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.


Del, I am very concerned that this has gotten so far out of hand. It really sounds as though the stresses of daily life have been channeled toward a lack of romance in your lives. What do I mean?


Communication is the muscular system of love. Let me repeat that because it's so important: it's not sex; it's not beauty or looking good; it's not being smart or quick with a comeback. Communication between the two people is the love muscle; it's the muscular system of love.


From what you write, the sense you give is that what is happening is not yet atrophy. Atrophy is what happens to muscles when they are not exercised and used regularly. They lose tone and eventually lose ability to activate. And love can atrophy. It slowly wears out until you can't find how to access it any more.

You are both sensing this is the path you're heading on. What IS happening at this stage is each of you is communicating in ways that you yourselves are getting, but that is not reaching the other person effectively. And so you are hurting each other. Not just you are hurt; you are BOTH hurt and feeling it.

So take action. You're the male and that means you need to initiate the action. And the action here is not quick sex for relief! The action is ROMANCE!!

Your wife is telling you loud and clear that she does not feel romanced. She doesn't feel valued and desired. She feels like you are using her for relief. So listen to her and be the romantic lover she is looking for.

You are right now, I believe, wincing from lack of confidence. This is not a new impossible role I am recommending. I want to recommend two books for you that are classics in this area and have helped so many men realize that they don't have to be swashbuckling movie stars or Sir Del with a castle to romance their wives.

You live in a remote area so it might cost you to get the books shipped to you quickly so you can get started. But it's worth the price.

The RoMANtics Guide: Hundreds of Tips for a Lifetime of Love by Michael Webb.

101 Nights of Grreat Romance: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn. The whole thing she has with the envelopes of different proposals is not the important part. It's the creativity.

Dell, that's what we're getting at: being creative. That will be fun. When?

When you agree in yourself that you WANT to make your marriage fun and great. That it's not a burden, but the best part of your life. Then it won't be about putting a face on for the family or anything like that. It'll be about you two. So share this with her too and the two of you start having a great romance.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. You can continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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