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cathy
cathy, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  MS., MS.Ed., 30 years clinical and administrative experience in psychiatry and mental health
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Romance with Aspies

Customer Question

My boyfriend is a 25 year old Aspie. Unlike most Aspies, however, he's actually pretty sociable and rather affectionate. Although this may be true his mindset is still very literal. It can be difficult sometimes to communicate with him, especially since his preferred method is text messaging. So, with that being said , how do I keep the romance (and I mean just generally, not sexually) alive without coming off as clingy, needy, etc.?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  cathy replied 5 years ago.

cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

cathy :

are you there?

cathy :

okay let us know when you are online and I would be happy to help you with this>warm wishes, Cathy

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Hi sorry about earlier my Internet was acting faulty.

cathy :

No problem, I am happy to see you.

cathy :

how are you tonight?

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

I'm fine thanks, yourself?

cathy :

Fine and thank you for asking.

cathy :

I was cheered to read your post today because right now I have more than one client in my practice with Aspergers and in a romance, so my romance legs have been getting quite a stretch lately. LOL

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Well that's good to know. It's a very new field for me (even though I was actually misdiagnosed as having asperger's myself) I wanna be sure I can get the best possible advice.

cathy :

are you sure you are not dating one of my clients????

cathy :

Okay back to business

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

LOL I doubt it unless he decided to get information himself.

cathy :

Being involved with someone with Aspergers is one of the most challenging relationships but it can also be one of the most rewarding

cathy :

however before you decide to commit to this please be very very certain

cathy :

as you probably already know relationships are rough

cathy :

the divorce rate in the US is at 50 percent

cathy :

and this will not be easy for you, you may not have a long term future with him and it may just be a pleasant romance?

cathy :

I have to be upfront with you on this? is that okay?

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

That's fine. Let me see, we're exclusive, but we haven't made any more serious commitments. The ideas "not searching for future partners" has been brought up and mutually agreed upon, but any relationship might not work out, regardless if one's an aspie.

cathy :

oh yes you are right on track

cathy :

yes

cathy :

communication is the biggest hurdle

cathy :

as you can see from the texting

cathy :

you are going to have to set up some rules about this

cathy :

how much time in text and in talk?

cathy :

and negotiate a midway point for you both

cathy :

that will depend on each of you right?

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Right.

cathy :

next and this sounds so silly but please hear me out

cathy :

and I say this to my clients in marital counseling who are not aspergers

cathy :

and it works

cathy :

you need to plan out a date night

cathy :

every week down to the last detail

cathy :

very concrete

cathy :

we will go have dinner at mama Italinos place

cathy :

and we will see George Clooneys new movie at Cineplex five on main streeet

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Yeah I've noticed he certainly doesn't like his routine being interfered with.

cathy :

every detail

cathy :

exactly

cathy :

so you know that every saturday night is date night

cathy :

or whatever night suits you both

cathy :

but with someone who has Aspergers

cathy :

every detail helps them to feel safe

cathy :

so

cathy :

what restaurant at what time

cathy :

what movie at which theater

cathy :

what time

cathy :

and every detail

cathy :

sometimes I go over the menu of the selected restaurant with my Aspergers clients so we can talk about what to order

cathy :

I know this sounds silly but it works

cathy :

it sounds tedious to people who do not have the disorder

cathy :

but its not so tedious really

cathy :

then the hard stuff

cathy :

do we hold hands in the movie theater?

cathy :

is there a kiss good night

cathy :

is it a cheek kiss or a lip kiss?

cathy :

I know its tough but it must be done

cathy :

and finally laugh at all his jokes no matter how corny

cathy :

forgot that golden nugget

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

I do understand that, having done some of my own research on Aspies surprisingly that's not much of an issue for him (LOL), but because I know he's a an aspie I almost always let him make the advantages.

cathy :

which is apt advice for all women no matter who they date

cathy :

You are quite a quick study

cathy :

do this for a time and then you can progress from there

cathy :

People with Aspergers syndrome must feel safe

cathy :

in many ways?
I think they are more intelligent than the rest of us on that matter :)

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Yes he's definitely one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.

cathy :

You are quite a thoughtful and mindful young lady so you are lucky to have found each other :)

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Thank you. I certainly try. :)

cathy :

I think you will do very well.

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

I hope so. :)

cathy :

I am rooting for you and I have a feeling it will be just fine. Take it slow and enjoy.

cathy :

Let me know if you need any further help on this but I think you are very much on track without any help already.

cathy :

Have fun and enjoy him.

cathy :

Night now.

cathy :

Cathy

JACUSTOMER-x4vcrf1k- :

Have a nice evening. Thank you for your time.

cathy :

You too.

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