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I am greatly encouraged by what you have said. I have always been good with words. I have attempted to be a writer. I have talked to my Mum and she still feels that I do not have ASD. Dyslexia is what she has always maintained that I have. I gather from the internet that dyslexia can allso cause relationship difficulties etc. I have doubted the ASD part of it as I comunicate well with people. I had become frustrated with the Churches teachings and its view of the Bible. I had rejected both before I contacted you. I have gently disagreed with any one in the Church who has put homo phobic views. I dont come across as Gay. I suspect that alot of my problems may have arisen from this aspect of my self. I have expected my self to get married and have children.This is something that a Gay man cannot do in a convetional sence. I liked my friend and I wish I had said something to him. He might have felt the same. He did ask me if I wanted to go to a christian youth weekend with him , but it was not my scene . It was at this weekend that met his girl friend who was 15. Infact she was with him along with her brother and his girl friend. They all were killed. My friend was driving .He had just learnt to drive. His Mum told me before it happened that she thought he drove to much. He was engaged to her but he had his funeral separate. I had the feeling from what was said at his funeral that we were very much alike. I wanted to tell him that I was ok about his girlfriend. I cannot remember speaking to him after I had turned down his offer. I wish I had said yes. 15 seems a bit young as he was 19 at the time. He made his choice . Thinking back it does seem to me that I might have missed a social cue made by him. Like I said I have rejected the official christian view on Gay people and at that time you told me that God loved me. I still feel this. My idea of unconditional love is that God died so that we would all be saved. No conditions at all are attached. I strongly feel this. I have argued this and it puzzles people . You have to believe in God , go to church. be hetrosexual or ceiibate in order to take up this offer. Those are conditions. So I feel that God has confirmed this view. It might not be your view .But I am more impressed by God if he did not put conditions to. I would more inclined to want to say thanks and believe.The conditions have been placed by the Church as small print and I dont believe that God does that. I have unusal sences that would suggest to me that I may be clairvoyent. I dont believe in using it to contact them But i had a feeling of great joy as a small child visiting on my bike a lake on the edge of my town. It didnt last long . The feeling of euphoria that I have not felt since. I have since discovered that a boy around my age drowned their . I discovered this from his elderly Mum who just to ask me to visit her. This was when I was first unemployed. I have since become a non paid pasterol worker for my small church. I had a similer feeling shortly after my friends death. I felt his presence and I have done ever since. There have been other things as well. I do fantasise about my friend in a Gay way and this had helped me to come to terms with my feelings. I dont want to be celibate but my feelings for him are stronger than ever. Thank you for reading what I have put. Prehaps God wants me to put a more posative spin on the Christian message. Doing it in words more be the way to do it.I hope this does not sound odd. I have recently read a web sight that said that alot of clarvoyents are allso dyslexic.I seem to be sensative though I cannot claim to have seen anything . It could a good fantasy imagination. It has been of great use talking to some one who is similer to me and for you to be non judgemental. I have contacted this ASD experts Secretary but she cannot locate my name on their computer and she going to get back to me
It has helped to have your acceptance and encouragement. The last year has not been easy as I have been waiting and I have spent alot of time going over my life. I do have alot in coomon with autisic people. My perception is probably very good but I often only get it because I review things after the event. I feel that I am being told that he felt the same way about me. That is why he asked. We were good together and he might well have wanted me to know that he felt the same. He pobably knew I would decline but would have been happy if I had said yes. I loved both of my girl friends and I was upset that these relationships got nowhere. They even tolerated being overlapped as I realy did just see them as friends. When I was 14 I did have some transgenda difficulities in that I felt that I was turning into women. I can see now that this was a confusion of my same sex attraction and my lack of knowledge of how you could have a physical relationship. I have never experimented probably becouse I have never felt the need to. My friend may well have gone on to marry and have children If that is what he wished then I would have been happy for him. I think I seem to remember telling a Sunday School teachers meating after he had died that I liked working with him and that I loved him. Not being realy aware always of my own feelings i think i meant christian love. My love for him as grown along with the feeling that he had loved me as well. He might very well have not been been Gay but prehaps bysexual .He would have hidden this how ever or not acted upon it like I would have done. I didnt want to be celibate and the Bible says that the thought is the deed. I think from what you have said that God is accepting of my thoughts and I should not be ashamed of them or even consider myself a virgin any more . I still doubt that I could deal with a physical relationship and accept that God does not condemm my feelings . You say that I should trust my perception even though my awarness of this has mostly come since then. He was a wonderfull young man who shared my faith and I am not ashamed to have loved him and to be in love with him still.
I have wondered that if we had been more accepting of what I am and if I had told him that I loved him events may have taken a differant course. A church were it was just accepted is what is needed. Then I have wondered if it was accepted and aproved because of the way we had our relationship . The Minister was very supportive of me and I wonder if he had realised from what had been said or what he had seen that I felt a deep love for him . Well I can see it now. The other thing I would like to say is that I disliked wearing clothes as a child. Off course when I got older I was told not to do this in public as it could be misunderstood. I just kept it to the back garden nobody minded. I have worried about this but I have read that alot of autistic children have sensory issues with clothing. I certainly remembered my clothes itching. I am greatfull for this God given oppertuinty to put my words to you.This has helped form my view and acceptance of my differance. I am honest , forthright and non judgemental but not because I am perticulary good.. I do get angry and abit out of contoll on occassions.but because of the way I have been made. I may very well have to say some of this to the person who asseses me for ASD. Autistic is just a name. You have helped me to feel that it is a gift rather than a disabilty whatever name is put to it. I think it is very Christian to be like this so God wants us to be oureslfs not a steriotype. I am encouraged by what Albert Einstein said about his theory of relativatly that it was something he imagined more than calculated. I could not have easily put this to this Proffessor you have helped me to formulate my words in print and givcen me alot of courage in you proffesional and personel acceptance.God does look after us one way or another with out being over bearing a perfect parent in fact. You do not need to answer this as you are very buisy . i was scared to be myself especially with this important man. I think he would understand my honesty and be able to give a proper diagnosis that would me to acceptance .Thank you............