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Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience:  More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
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Have a question. I had been in a relationship for five years,

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Have a question. I had been in a relationship for five years, the first two years we are perfect couple, very happy , but we try to just share the best but not the worst, so when problem come we felt, I was so sick a years and a half I lose the function of my both kidney and he was very worry and then he turn angry with me, and then my doctor told me on top I must have to have cancer, his mother have cancer and the cancer is already come back and I made my decision to made him move on by drive him craze and break up with him, after five month of test and waiting I found out that I don't have cancer, so I try 1 year to fit and I suppose to move with him we have a long distance relationship, and two day before I move he sent me a break up e-mail .every time when thing is not smooth he will sent me a break up -mail, so I said I agree and pack told him the turn of what I did to made him move on,he wanted to talk but I don't let him say hi or bye,he cry just wanted to know how he feel ?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

What you are describing is a man who is very fearful of loss.

 

When things are good he has no problems with you or the relationship. However, when there is stress, and the possibility that he will need to face unpleasant and painful feelings, such as when you went through your physical problems, he runs.

 

Even now, when you are better and trying to get back to him he cannot face his fears. Instead of being honest with you, he abandons you. Worse, he creates feelings of hope in you and then dashes them to pieces, just when you feel you might have a chance at being with him. This is an emotionally abusive man.

 

This man is very emotionally damaged, and unless he is willing to get help for this issue it is very unlikely that he will change. Know that this behavior is not about you, but is about his own fears and failures. In truth, there is nothing that you can do to help him. He must make that choice on his own. But, I would suggest that you see a counselor for your own emotional suffering as he has hurt you and you need to heal. This is totally about him and his problems and is not about anything that you have done or not done. Steven

Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience: More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Steven Olsen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I tough of that, he told me he might wanted to see a mantle therapy last year and he on depress pill, and how can I answer question and request you again, just have a few more question, and I willing to pay to get help.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.
You can reply to this question and accept the answers as they progress, or, what many people do, they write a question and start it by saying: For Steve Olsen only...
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Steven Olsen only hi stevn thank you for your answer, I were a designer and got a lot of people they love me, and what I told you all of my friend to told me to leave him, because of these were the six times break up, each time scare to dead, I just try to fix, fixed it and for a while it happen again, it just like a patten never end, when I pack, I say to myself I can let him talk I know I will forgive him and then I will face the 7 brakk up soon, I just feel so bad for him he is a good person but too many thing happen to him, and he always suffer with a lot of pain, he can go through a day without a pain medication, work very hard, and very depress people often to tell me to leVe they don't anted him to pull me down, they say i should be better of without him, even my both kidney are fail, I'm still have a lot of people request me to do show for them, and I look as good as I were before, I know soon I will over with this, I just can feel his pain and the problem is I still not mad of him. But I know I got hurt and it need to be cure, I know I need to leave this relationship but i still think we can get back, and I know this is not good I need help from you, I need to learn to let him go, out of my live, my Heath is much better I don't look like I'm sick, and the career is good , got a lots of maginze post my designs and good further, he med five years ago when he saw my poster all over the department store and he know I were know, he first break up with me is , " you are know and a lot of people love u and petty what if you don't love me I will be hurt, and the break up by test or e-mail have neve stop in a in a white. I love your answer and I know I start to accept this not heathly relationship and I need help. I need to take the way that I will love him enough to tench his heart and have him to cure and he will be find, please help me beSt mindy I try to sent it to you but thet give me a different person, I have already put 20 dollar bond and I will add more after this I hope that is ok I' m not too good with the computer, best mindy
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

Mindy,

 

A good thing:

 

You are aware of his mistreatment of you. Many abused people never recognize that they are being mistreated. It is to your credit that you now can see this. This is the first step to getting out of an abusive relationship.

 

You have given him many chances to improve his relationship with you, but you can also see that he either will not, or cannot, change the way that he is with you.

 

It is very important to know that depression cannot cause what he is doing to you. Yes, depression can make him withdrawn, sad and irritable. But, it will not make a person abandon another, like he did to you. That is not depression, that is a part of his own fear and unresolved emotional issues.

 

I am sure he has problems. Chronic pain, hard work, depression...all of these are significant. Yet, none of them can cause someone to be harsh and uncaring and especially: they do not cause a person to abandon another as he did to you, multiple times (!)

 

It is very important that you clearly see the difference between feeling sorry for him and feeling that you need him. I think you are a tender hearted person, a creative type that wants to see as many people happy as you can. That is a common personality trait for someone in fashion merchandising. But, this man is not someone that you can excuse in his actions. If it had been one or two times that he hurt you, perhaps. Yet, he hurt you many, many times and when you needed him, where was he? Somewhere else. He does not care about you. He is self centered and that is not depression, that is something else.

 

Although you feel that you cannot leave him easily, please see that you must love yourself enough to recognize that you are special and deserve better. You were very kind to him, gave him every chance; still, he hurt you.

 

Sadly, there is no real way to stop this unless you set the limits. He has been in control, now you must be in control. It is time to tell him how he must be, or that he can leave. Yes, you will make him feel sad if you do this, but he is grown man with adult responsibilities. He can deal with it and change, or he will lose you. It is that simple.

 

Remember, it is acceptable to relate to his pain, but you must love yourself enough to set limits on what you will tolerate. He has crossed the line too many times. He has hurt you and now must pay the natural consequences of his actions. True, it will be painful to watch him go through this, but if you do have feelings for him you will want to see him mature and grow...and he must stop being abusive, even if it is you that stops him. Steven

Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience: More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Steven Olsen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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