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Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1765
Experience:  More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
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I have a boyfriend of 5 years who will not kiss me intimately

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I have a boyfriend of 5 years who will not kiss me intimately or go down on me- both that I love. He says it's an intimacy issue on that every time he has given himself in this way, even emotionally- he has been burned. He's almost 50 and has spent most of his life this way. Dr. Phil has something he mentioned (on a show where a lady bites, instead of kisses) to help with trust and intamcy. He didn't say what it was. All I know is without intimacy it is hard for true trust to be there. Is there anything you can recommend besides the alternative of leaving him?

A relationship is an image of equality and compromise. Here there is an inequality and a lack of compromise.


This issue is far more than just a lack of intimacy. This is psychologically an emotional aversion or phobia. Often it is the result of abuse or neglect in the person's past. When we kiss someone, we let ourselves experience, for a moment, strong feelings. These feelings often are associated with pleasure, but in some people they are associated with fear, a lack of control or confusion. This negative pattern is most often associated with prior neglect, fears of loss or previous abuse.


I am fairly certain that your boyfriend is trying, but that emotional issues are getting in the way of his success. He does have some insight but is unable to stop his behavior. Without a doubt, he needs to seek counseling for this issue as it is far more than just an inability to kiss or be intimate, and it speaks volumes about how he sees himself and relationships.


What should you do?


Couples counselors are very skilled in this area, and through your family physician or local clergy you should be able to locate a couples counselor.. Therapy for this issue involves looking at the source feelings behind his behavior and exploring what feelings are interfering in the bond of intimacy.


This is definitely not your fault. Your boyfriend has what is called "unfinished emotional business" and needs to deal with whatever issues are affecting your relationship today. The good news is that with help, this is highly resolvable and can be overcome. Steven

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