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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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i have a great relationship and deeply in love, but our sex

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i have a great relationship and deeply in love, but our sex life is just not great. we have sex perhaps once a week, and I get really hurt when he rejects my advances (very gently) and especially when I know he masturbates regularly. what am I doing wrong? we are 50 and 54 years old
I will be very blunt with you. He needs to slow way down on the self stimulation which is easy, quick, and always available and invest in some mutual love making which is not always any of the three (easy, quick or always available). He is diluting intimacy with you by self stimulation and probably fantasy, this something he can change if he chooses to.

What can you do?
State to him directly something like the following:

When you choose to use your sexual energy in self stimulation and I suppose fantasy, I feel rejected, hurt and frustrated. Would you be willing to consider bringing all your energy to our relationship by excluding your other sexual outlets.

When he becomes defensive and denies he is doing what you assert he is, you just calmly restate how you feel, i.e. "maybe so but, I still feel hurt, rejected, and frustrated, and restate your request that he consider bringing all of his sexual energy to your relationship.

Don't expect immediate change but do stay with your feelings and your request and you will probably see improvement over time.

He is just being a bit lazy I think.

Best of success to the both of you.
Mark Manley

P.S. Feel free to let me know how it goes if you like.
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