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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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my wife took my children and left theni got hurt and had to

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my wife took my children and left theni got hurt and had to move to where they were she told me about affair before i got hurt, but broke it off when i got therel The issue is i am having a really hard time trusting her as if i had not gotten hurt she would still be with this guy. I asked her this and she blames me for it I am now angry and don't no how to start to heal this
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for using just answer.

Sounds like you are in a world of hurt. I wonder if she would be willing to commit to no affairs, and go with you to some marriage counseling.

It doesn't sound like you two are gonna figure this one out without some assistance.

Are you willing to get some help?

Tell me more.

mark manley
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Ok it started we lost the home we were living in and so she had to move woth the kids back to Indiana. I I moved in with a friend and her kids. At the end of the first month i told her i had a new residence to come back to CA, she decline after 3 months she decline after 6 months between semesters she declined. At the end of the school year when i came to my daughters graduation she said she had her friend jesse, I returned to ca an was injured a week later at work. forcing me to return to Indiana. Since my return we have gotten back together but i am angry because of the lies and betrayal and her walking out on our marriage. I ask several times as to what was going on and it was always met with anger finall yshe admitted it but accused me of having an affair with our friend because she had a crush on me. I told her several times to ask but shesays we will both lie. Now she expects total forgiveness, after o asked what would have happened if i hadn't gotten hurt, then they would have still been together which she says oh i just made a mistake without actually acknowledging the truth of that statement and the hurt and anger it has caused.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 4 years ago.
What you are going through is one of the most painful things you can experience. It is normal to feel a number of painful feelings quite strongly when your spouse has been with someone else. You feel angry, cheated, hurt, rejected, resentful and depressed. You want to trust her again but you can't seem to find a way to do it. You want her to acknowledge how much she has hurt you but you get excuses and accusations instead. You get tired of feeling all these strong feelings and just want to get over it and forgive and forget but you can't seem to let go of the pain and all the accompanying feelings mentioned above. You keep thinking about the affair even though you try not to. All of this is a normal reaction when you find out your spouse is having or had an affair.

She wants to believe you had an affair to justify her behavior. Don't argue with her about this.

Ask her what she would like from your marriage that she has not been getting and try really hard to listen with out being defensive and with out being overwhelmed and discouraged. If you get her talXXXXX, XXXXX't interrupt her, just listen, (you could even take some notes). If you are thinking to yourself "I can't believe she just said that, or, she should listen to herself talk sometime." just keep it to your self and keep listening.

It's not fair that you should have to be the listener when she owes you a huge and sincere apology but you have to check with your self on some thing, ask your self. "do I want to be right or do I want our marriage to have a chance to get well?"

This is pretty hard stuff to do all by your self. you may want to pick up a book on healing after an affair, or get some coaching or counseling. You can do all of the above even if she is not yet willing to.

Healing starts with you. Anything you do to become more well will add to your future happiness. I hope she joins you but if not you still deserve to be well and happy.

P.S. It is possible for a marriage to heal even after an affair, many have.

Mark Manley
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