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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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My Mother died in June and I was not the favorite. I was a

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My Mother died in June and I was not the favorite. I was a middle child that just "got passed over". I'm grieving her loss still, and was the one who took 95% of her care in the end. My therapist is advising me to "emancipate" myself since I seem to be trying to be "the good little girl" still and wanting acceptance. How do I emancipate myself? I'm 59 now. Any suggestions?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
If you can become the good mother the hurt child inside you is looking for she will let go of your mother and hold on to you. As you noticed you can't just 'forget about it and move on', the reason is, the hurt child inside won't let go until her needs are met.

Your task is to become the mother to your hurt inner child, learn to listen to her and embrace her and then she will let the adult you move on with the rest of your life.

There are some good resources on line for this. search under "healing the inner child".

Let me know if you need clarification.
Thanks,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I guess I will have to do some reading to understand the dynamics of all of this. Will I be able to reach my potential if I do this nurturing of my inner child? That is probably hard for you to answer. It is probably more likely if I do the work as you have suggested. But any suggestions would be helpful. I will be buying a book today for sure!

 

I never went to college but always thought I would be a teacher. But I got pregnant and married at 17 and stayed married for 20 YEARS. I'm sure that had something to do with being "the good girl" or not wanting to cause waves. My ex's life & family seemed so exciting at the time. I did not have the skills or family support to take good care of myself. So I lived through my ex's (hidden) affairs, and physical and emotional abuse. I never had any serious injuries but had a fear of him and knew I could only "push things so far or else". Eventually I left, stayed single for 9 years, kind of lived my life over (without being too roudy) and now have married my soul mate. Long story short, when I hear about others in their college years, I feel like I have lost that time and all those experiences and stories that others have. I never got to "play an instrument" in elementary/jr high like my older brothers did, so I missed that too. No new bike, no horse of my own, no teen parties, no girlfriend pj parties, I used to wear some of my Mom's clothes to school because I didn't have very many (I even wore a shirt that was ripped in the back because I could hide it when it was tucked in). My point is, I could go on and on with this list but it doesn't make sense to go do music lessons now - I'm not sure I would enjoy it. Some things I did do for myself (my own new bike in my 30's, etc.) but some things are not possible to relive (teen pj parties, etc.). I have some college courses under my belt and have taken extensive real estate courses (in my 50's) and make 30K or less/year - I feel like I am very good at it, it's my passion (that I finally get to follow). Is this situation with my Mom holding me back or am I just meant to be mediocure in what I do? Also, it's hard to share experiences when I haven't had many of them like others have. It's hard to go back and do these things now. But it makes me sad especially when others are talking about their past lives. I feel like I nothing to share. Hope this makes sense. Any thoughts?

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
The little girl inside you is searching for the answer to this question: Why doesn't mommy love me, and/or why doesn't mommy love me as much as she loves __________? (fill in the blank with one or more of your siblings).

The goal is to give the child inside you the love she needed and still craves.

Missing out on some of the life experiences many around you have had is not the primary issue. Go deep into the love issue and the surface issues will become increasingly less significant.

You want to go back to young childhood as close to the root as you can.

Yes you can reach your potential!

Of course this is an ongoing process rather than an event.

Let me know how it's going and use this thread to ask me additional questions.

Go ahead and click on 'Accept' and then we will be ready to work on any additional questions you may have.

Thank You.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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