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Ask Suzanne Your Own Question
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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How can I become less controlling and jealous in my relationship

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How can I become less controlling and jealous in my relationship? Everytime my boyfriend chats to another girl I get suspicious and jealous and he's given me no reason to be. He is genuine, trustworthy and generally perfect! But I can't help it! I read his messages if he leaves his phone lying around and if his email is left open I will take a glance. I get suspicious of anything! I have a feeling that I am this way due to the father figures in my life who were a disappointment. My step dad cheated on my mum and broke up our family when I was 13 and my real dad let me down alot. Can you tell me why I am this way and how I can fix it? Really appreciate your answer thanks.
Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

If issues like this were easy to fix, therapists would be out of business. I think you're on the right track in believing that this stems from the early lessons that man are unreliable and unfaithful. However, knowing this on an intellectual level and really resolving the issues are two very different matters. So the best thing you can do and should do is to see an experienced therapist to work through this.

In the meantime, since you know you have the tendency to blow up if you don't deal with these feelings when they come up: When you first notice yourself getting suspicious, stop and ask yourself this question: Is there anything going on right now that gives me a reason to feel this way? Since you say that he's trustworthy, the answer will be "no". That slight pause will be enough to keep those feelings from building up into an outburst.

Also, have a heart to heart with him, and really talk to him about your childhood hurts. The more he understands why you react that way, the more understanding he'll be able to be. But that doesn't let you off the hook from going to therapy and resolving these issues for once and for all...
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do you know of any good Therapists in my area? Wow it's a scary thought.

There's a great service from Psychology Today. It lists therapists by area, and lets you read about them and check out their web pages. Here's the link:

Actually, when people come to therapy for the first time, they almost always say at the end "That wasn't bad at all...I should have come sooner." It's nice to have someone who will listen to you for 50 minutes, and focus only on helping you.

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