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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 395
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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My son, Josh is 25 and moved back home with me and my husband

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My son, Josh is 25 and moved back home with me and my husband 5 months ago because he lost his job and could not find another one. Josh was in college but was kicked out due to poor academic performance. He stayed in the same college town working and kept telling me that he was trying to get back into school. Three years later, he lost his job and when I told him I would not be able to pay his expenses, he then moved back home. He says that he is looking for a job but most days he stays up most of the night on the computer and sleeps late into the day. My husband and I have told him multiple times that if he doesn't start taking responsibility and we don't see any progress ten he will have to move out. I don't know where to go from here. I want him to be self sufficient but I also worry that if we make him leave, where will he go? Josh is a type 1 diabetic and I'm afraid he won't be able to take care of his needs and something really bad will happen to him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
Hello there, and thanks for asking JA. I have a few questions for you. Did your son have a learning disability or ADHD or other mental health diagnosis as a child? Is he suffering from depression?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He was never diagnosed with anything. I've asked him if he feels depressed and he says no. Josh has always needed to be pushed to accomplish anything while he was growing up.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
Hello there, and thanks for letting me know.

It looks like the only way to motivate your son is to give
him a deadline when you expect him to move out.
Put it in writing and have him sign it. I would also expect him to do
many chores around the house, help you with cooking, cleaning and anything else
he needs to do to contribute to the household.
If you make your house too welcoming and you do not give him any work
around the house he goes back to feeling like a child. He is thinking mom can
take care of this. To encourage him to
be independent you have to stop doing things for him such as laundry, cooking,
cleaning after him. Tell him that you
believe in him and that you know that he will find a job. Do not change the
moving out date no matter what happens. If he has no job before the move in
date he can move in with a friend. You
should have a meeting with him both you and your husband and tell him exactly
what you expect from him and give him a timeframe. Get it all down in writing and ask him to
sign the move out notice. Do not remind
him to get a job or push him because it is not your job. It is his job to find
a job and move out of your house.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I understand but I continue to have a nagging feeling that he has a problem such ADHD. I have mentioned some counseling before but he says he doesn't believe in that. I want to do the right thing for him but if i make him leave and hes not well equipped then im setting him up for failure. How do I know if he truly has a problem or just needs to be kicked out of nest?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.
A person with ADHD may have some or all of the following symptoms:
  • difficulty paying attention to details and tendency to make careless mistakes in school or other activities; producing work that is often messy and careless
  • easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli and frequently interrupting ongoing tasks to attend to trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others
  • inability to sustain attention on tasks or activities
  • difficulty finishing schoolwork or paperwork or performing tasks that require concentration
  • frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another
  • procrastination
  • disorganized work habits
  • forgetfulness in daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)
  • failure to complete tasks such as homework or chores
  • frequent shifts in conversation, not listening to others, not keeping one's mind on conversations, and not following details or rules of activities in social situations.\

I think that you are right and he does sound like he has ADHD. Adults with ADHD mature slower than ones who do not have the disorder.

His doctor can also diagnosed ADHD and treat it with medication. Medication for ADHD really works. If he does not believe in therapy he can still see a doctor and get on medication. I would buy him the book "ADHD and loving it" or the one "You mean I am not lazy stupid or crazy?"

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