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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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my boyfriend lies constantly. one way he lies is this he takes

Customer Question

my boyfriend lies constantly. one way he lies is this:he takes an object from around the house and puts it in a strange location.at first it scared me but now I'm annoyed by it. he constantly denies doing it and even has said i suffer from paranoia. its very strange and creepy. i wonder about the motivation behind his lying and behavior is it to confuse me, to control me,to scare me into needing him more etc. he's done some pretty weird things.he lies to me on a regular basis and doesn't change. I'm at my wits end.i do notice that this behavior escalates when either my children are coming to visit (he's feeling threatened) and or he's been doing lots of cocaine .(psychosis) though this doesn't sound like a good explanation because he seems fine otherwise. help! i can even send you a foot of something he just did!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.

pennyrayasMFT :

Hello there

pennyrayasMFT :

I hope I can help

pennyrayasMFT :

As far as you know did your boyfriend had this behavior with other women he lived with?

pennyrayasMFT :

Have you met his mother sisters

pennyrayasMFT :

Is strainge that you boyfriend does this more when your children visit

pennyrayasMFT :

Can you tell me some of the weird things he does?

pennyrayasMFT :

Does your boyfriend have any friends?

pennyrayasMFT :

Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts

pennyrayasMFT :

Your boyfriend sounds like he has the above personality disorder called Borderline

pennyrayasMFT :
  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating

  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

  • Chronic feelings of emptiness

  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
  • pennyrayasMFT :

    Those are some of the symptoms as you see paranoid thoughts are part of this disorder

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Stress from imagined abandoment can result to paranoid thoughts

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Your boyfriend will need therapy to improve

    pennyrayasMFT :

    you will also need supportive therapy if you want to stay in the relationship

    Customer:

    hes distributed condom throughout different location in my home. sprinkled cocaine on tabletops, disturbed the table runner on my table, put dripping wax from candle on hardwood floor, puts objects(tv remote)in wrong room ,moves things out of order. he lies in different ways too.telling me he didn't drink when i smell beer. he's with someone when he's,in fact with someone else. when i ask about the things going on around the house he tells me I'm imagining it or "i don't know'and gets upset that I'm accusing him. last night he even cried after the candle wax incident. 'crocodile tears. i know this all means that he's being abusive to me emotionally and what id like from you is this...a diagnosis, reasons he does this, and that it is indeed emotional abuse and that i should ,in fact ,get away. but he's all i have. i think he's far sicker then i want to know but i do want to know

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Wow that is very strange behavior

    pennyrayasMFT :

    It looks like your boyfriend has lost touch with reality

    pennyrayasMFT :

    it sounds a bit like psychosis

    pennyrayasMFT :

    how long has this behavior going on?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    how much does he drink

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Do you think he is using the cocaine?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    For how long do you know him?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Has he ever talk to things that are not there?

    Customer:

    I've thought about bpd many times. also, he seems like two different people sometimes. kind and caring vs,.sneeky and scary. this has been going on since the beginning when he feels threatened feels threatened or he feels I've been bad someway .dishonest etc. yes it escalates when he uses cocaine. no he's aware of reality. doesn't drink much.aware of reality

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Cocaine can make a person act like they are psychotic

    pennyrayasMFT :

    so my feeling is that he has BPD and also psychotic episodes when he is comming down from his high.

    pennyrayasMFT :

    most addicts have the lieing and crazy behavior

    Customer:

    no,I've had psychosis and this is something he's aware that he's doing.but maybe so.because today he thought i was somewhere else when i had told him i was with the kids.he does it when he's high not when coming down wouldn't he be showing other symptoms though?confusion scattered thinking if psychotic?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    this sounds more like paranoia

    pennyrayasMFT :

    paranoia is also a symptoms of chronic cocaine about

    pennyrayasMFT :

    cocaine affects part of his brain

    Customer:

    oh, i see.tell me the motivating factor behind his doing these things to me?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    His mind is affected by the drug

    pennyrayasMFT :

    He also has fears that you will leave him

    Customer:

    when I'm psychotic i remember that what i did was strange/wrong. he denies it when drug is gone

    pennyrayasMFT :

    It is different

    pennyrayasMFT :

    the cocaine creates an idea in this mind

    pennyrayasMFT :

    and he believes that is true

    pennyrayasMFT :

    so when his mind tells him you did something because he is high

    pennyrayasMFT :

    he will believe it later also

    pennyrayasMFT :

    I had a client who thought her husband was cheating

    Customer:

    yes he does act often on wether this action will say, get me to leave him. which doesn't make sense bcuz this shit makes me want to leave more and he's aware of that

    pennyrayasMFT :

    Yes the borderline personality

    pennyrayasMFT :

    pushes someone away

    Customer:

    so,you're saying that he doesn't know he's doing it when he does it

    pennyrayasMFT :

    they want a relationship but they are so affraid that the person will leave they push them away

    Customer:

    am i going to be able to print this out?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    He really believes what he thinks is true

    pennyrayasMFT :

    you can try.. I am not sure

    pennyrayasMFT :

    I would suggest that you go to a NARCANON

    pennyrayasMFT :

    meeting

    pennyrayasMFT :

    those are for family members of drug addicts

    Customer:

    but if he does something doesn't that mean he's aware of doing it therefore he remembers it

    pennyrayasMFT :

    You need some support

    pennyrayasMFT :

    I think he may not remeber it if he was high

    pennyrayasMFT :

    people block out and dont remember sometimes

    pennyrayasMFT :

    sometimes they do and lie is hard to tell

    pennyrayasMFT :

    trust your intuition

    pennyrayasMFT :

    if you can tell with your intuition that something is wrong and he is lying ou are right

    pennyrayasMFT :

    what caused you psychosis in the past?

    pennyrayasMFT :

    are you bi-polar?

    Customer:

    ok, but i think i don't understand the motivating factor behind this

    pennyrayasMFT :

    yes because there is not one

    pennyrayasMFT :

    not always

    Customer:

    ritalin

    pennyrayasMFT :

    I understand

    pennyrayasMFT :

    so you don't have a disorder

    Customer:

    shit i can't print.i want to save this!to had him read

    pennyrayasMFT :

    well is hard to understand what motivates your boyfriend

    Customer:

    its new concerts and i get psychotic

    pennyrayasMFT :

    it is hard to understands

    pennyrayasMFT :

    maybe seeing a therapist for couples therapy will help the two of you

    Customer:

    shit.cant print

    Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
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    Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
    I am sorry I have to go. Let me know if helped you. I think the important thing is to see if you feel safe and if you want to stay in this relationship. You will never fully understand his motivations people are complicated
    Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
    Category: Mental Health
    Satisfied Customers: 394
    Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
    Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
    Customer: replied 2 years ago.
    hi penny,my boyfriend is using cocain now but i did broach the label of bpd as i have b4.he was receptive to the idea .however this is after he made shire it wasn't linked in any way with my constant accusations that he's the one doing odd things around the house. so i lied and said they weren't related. since i took the time to read the symptoms of bpd again i do think the cocaine and bpd is very much related ,indeed.as i said this behavior does happen when he feels as if he will somehow loose me,realistic or not.for instance I've been offered a job and have felt and showed a certain amount of self esteem. drive and content. this is new to me and probably very threatening to him.he has admitted it.since the news and my new behavior he has been extremely paranoid and controlling as to my whereabouts and downright verbally abusive towards me. i.e.. psychosis?is paranoia a symptom of psychosis?also, he's been using cocaine daily lately.so, in a nutshell you are correct! now i need to get him to see what i see regarding bpd. and let me tell you he fits the description to a t!he just recently started to see a very good therapist and i hope she's resourceful in this area and can help. thanks sooo much!
    Customer: replied 2 years ago.

    what is the prognosis of someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? how can i get a proper diagnosis for my boyfriend and what test is administered. I'm feeling hopeless about this condition because it affects our relationship and he's putting me through hell. he realizes he has issues and just started working with a very good therapist who is clueless about his condition . as is to be expected because he's secretive about himself and just deals with facts and circumstances to deal with his problems. if she was aware of BPD I'm certain he would get better help. any advice on how i can better help him. at this point I'm fed up and need help myself. is there any way for you to refer to the discussion and do you have access to the discussion i had with PennyrayasMFT last night at 10;45 pm.at just answer so you get an idea of whats going on?

     



    Already Tried:
    telling him if we work together as a team to solve our problems and he's not mean/verballyabusive we won't need to end relationship. last time i ended our relationship he went on a 2 month drinking binge that almost killed him.he lies still even though he's promised not to and can't seem to control his anger though he's promised to

    Customer: replied 2 years ago.
    the more i think and the more information i get, the more understanding i am of his behavior.however there is a clear definition that needs defining regarding what i can and can't accept from him.the disturbance of items around the home i can handle, the accusations are also understood as part of the disorder. the behavior he demonstrates in response to the accusations are simply not acceptable to me now. I've found that as my self esteem grows, the less i can tolerate and deserve.i feel that I'm worth kindness and respect.i don't deserve to be manipulated, lied to or verbally abused.these are things i received as a child and I've made it a priority to stop the cycle with my children. they are respected and treated with the caring and kindness they so deserve. I've beat the statistics and have never laid a spanking or violent act on them. this is what they deserve. hopefully i can get some advice as to what i can expect regarding treatment and diagnosis for my boyfriend. but first and foremost i need to not play the caretaker role as usual. i realize i need to focus on me and get the help and support i deserve.
    Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
    I agree with you the focus is on you and that you deserve to be treated the right way. You boyfriend may want to see a therapist because Borderline Personality disorder is treatable with therapy. It looks like therapy worked for you and it will work for him also. I wish you good luck to both of you but remember you can't change him and you have to focus on what is best for you.

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