Your responses to my issues were really dead on to how I am feeling. I do feel the need for punishment. If I can't self-harm, then I must be punished in another way. She did not want my daughter to see or ask about the cutting, so this was why she was so firm on getting me to stop.
She does not treat me as a child. In fact, she has said to me several times that she is not my mother so I do not need to "please" her. I think it has less to do with pleasing her and more iwth wanting to please myself but am unable to give myself any congratulations on positive steps I take.
I seem to see her as more of an authoratative person and am unsure why. Perhaps I just need someone to tell me "good job" every so often as I seem incapable of doing this for myself.
I think if I told her about not completing any of the homework, we would get into a discussion on why. She never wants to push me and always tells me that I am in charge of how slow or fast we take things. I'm just not used to being in control when it comes to important issues unless it revolves around my daughter.
She has told me in the past that she has heard many things, not much surprises her anymore and that she is not there to judge me. So you got those points exactly.
My mind wants to rush things but emotionally, I cannot. I find this very frustrating. So many horrible things have happened to me that sometimes I become very angry at everyone and everything. I try to keep these feelings bottled up. She told me once that she likes anger and it is much better than being sad
. She told that I had a lot to be angry at. Do I? Or did I bring it on myself.
The other part of the reason I have not told her about the stealing is because of how it makes me feel. So very very ashamed. Just like the assaults.