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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your girlfriend has moved on from your relationship. She is showing signs of either just wanting to be with her family or starting another relationship. Her continual dissatisfaction with her marriage and herself probably causes her to chronically cheat.
Although you might not be able to forget her faster if she ends the relationship, you can start to move on right now. Even if she contacts you by today, her interest in your relationship is no longer there. Therefore, taking control now and moving on will help you feel less like you are waiting for her to make a decision.
Allow yourself time to mourn over the loss of the relationship. If you want, start thinking of the relationship as over. Start working on your recovery. Read about relationship endings and how you can feel better. Here are some resources to help you:
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott
How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson and Mike Riley
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
I hope this has helped,
She may very well get in touch. But the idea here is for you to gain control rather than wait for her. She is heading out of the relationship, it is just a matter of when.
She probably comes back because she does like you. But also because she wants to keep her options open. She has all the control here so she can do what she wants.
By ending this now, you can have a better chance to get through this and be in control of your own recovery. Take one step at a time, even if it is one minute at a time. If you have contact from her, talk to someone who supports you before you do anything. That may give you the strength to resist responding.
There is a good chance she would contact you again if she becomes unhappy in her current relationship. That is often the case with someone who cheats frequently. The reason they need to be with someone all of the time is because they experience fear and low self esteem when they are alone. They are also self centered in personality so their needs supersede anyone else's feelings.
So your ex may contact you to see if you are interested in being with her again. But you may not want to be available to her. The chance that she would use you until she found someone else again is very high. You may end up getting hurt all over again. It is a risk and one you will need to weight carefully if she does call you again.
You're welcome! I am glad I could help.
Hi Bart, it's good to talk with you again.
I am sorry to hear she is putting you through this. It sounds like she is using you for whenever she feels her husband is not meeting her needs. She knows the words you want to hear and uses them to bait you.
What is going on with her is she is thinking of her own needs. She knows you will respond to her when she calls, so she uses your feelings for her to get you to respond to her. She talks about a future when there isn't one just because she knows that is what you want. This is manipulation on her part. And she is most likely narcissistic. She is playing a game that only she gets to win.
The best way to get over this relationship is to take control and move on. Cut off all contact. This means no visiting and no taking her calls. Change your numbers if you have to. I know this is hard to do, but listening to her is dangerous for you and only leads you to more pain, so if you don't hear her at all you will have a better chance to move on. Try to keep yourself busy as well. This will distract you from thinking about her. Become involved with a hobby, invite friends over, join a club. Anything different that has nothing to do with your ex.
You may also want to consider working on your own marriage. There are many resources that can help you and your wife improve your marriage. Counseling, on line resources and books are good starts. Also, consider a marriage encounter weekend. Reuniting with your wife will fulfill the needs that you are now getting met by your ex and it will help you move on.
I appreciate you telling me what happened. Good for you! It is very hard, as you said, to see anything objectively when your heart is involved. But you were able to see her for what she was. Your ability to be suspicious, check out her stories and confront her all helped you get away from this damaging relationship. No doubt, she will move on and hurt someone else as she hurt you.
I think you are right, ignoring her completely is the best bet if she writes you again. And she may. It is probably hard for her to process that someone could let her go. As I mentioned before, she seems very self centered in her behavior. So ending the relationship probably has her scrambling to figure out how to respond.
Still, I am sorry for your loss. This was a relationship and even though it was unhealthy, when you ended it, it was a loss to you. It may take time for you to work through your feelings. Or you could have already started the process when you suspected her of lying to you. Either way, be good to yourself and give yourself time to recover.
Thanks again for letting me know how this worked out for you. It is always good to know when it's a happy ending. I was glad to be of help and I am here anytime you need someone to talk to. Take care!
Hi Bart, it's nice to talk with you again.
It is a healthy viewpoint you are taking on this situation. Seeing that exploring your girlfriend's behavior is not working, you are looking at what causes you to want to cheat and repeating your behaviors. This is very insightful and productive.
Exploring an issue like this takes some work. Don't expect that you will solve it right away. But even slight insight into your behavior can start a domino effect that leads you to other insights and eventually to solving the problem.
Your need to see your girlfriend and rekindle the relationship, as damaging as it is to you, is most likely based in your perception of relationships that learned as a child. It can also be from something that happened to you during childhood. When you were a child, if your parents did not provide the basis for a good self esteem and provide you with healthy view of behavior, you may have unmet needs. To fulfill those needs as an adult, you may engage in dysfunctional relationships, such as the one you are in now.
Cheating is often about emotional attachment. If you did not get this need met in childhood, for example through a normal relationship with your mother, you may seek it as an adult through your relationships with women. When your wife could not meet your needs sexually, you may have seen this as rejection of you. This may have felt unfair to you so you sought out an attachment with someone else. But you turned to someone who could not satisfy your needs completing, leaving it a challenge for you to get what you need.
Somewhere in your relationships there is a difficulty with attachment. You mentioned being a player before you were married,which shows difficulty with deep attachments with women. Once you did marry, you felt your wife was going to meet your needs and therefore you did not feel you needed to have other relationships. But when your wife did not fulfill this expectation, you looked elsewhere. This is a symptom of a much deeper need and a sense of focus on your own needs before others, like your wife's needs. That tells you that there is something driving you to put your needs for being wanted over others in your life.
I am sorry to hear that she did that to you. It certainly fits her past behavior. She is s chronic cheater and will probably always be this way unless she sees the harm in her behavior. Right now, she does not.
People who chronically cheat are usually unable to connect on a normal level with others. They have deep needs to be loved that they cannot meet in a normal relationship so they go from person to person, seeking the thrill of a new relationship and that feeling of connecting. A new relationship offers no problems initially, included responsibly and deep emotions. Usually, someone who cheats often is self centered and unwilling to face what needs to be done to stay with one person.
It's not easy to face the loss of a relationship, especially when you are betrayed. It is necessary to grieve your loss and try to find support through friends and family if you can. Expressing your feelings about your loss is also important. Writing it out in a journal, on line in a blog or chat or just talking about it helps. Also, consider writing a good bye letter to your ex. Say whatever comes to your mind. Keep it for a while and add to it if it helps. You don't need to send the letter for it to be effective. Keep it and review it often. It will help you remember why your relationship ended and keep your resolve to focus on recovery.
Also, consider trying to work on your marriage. Your focus has been on your affair. You can take the energy you spent on the affair and try working on your marriage with it. See a counselor, read up on the problems in your marriage and try to reconnect with your wife. It will help you find a healthier path and heal from your experience.
I am sorry this happened to you. It is always painful going through a break up. Since you have been through some very intense highs and lows with Patty the past several months, you have to be feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.
Your thoughts and feelings about this are very insightful and a very good place to start. You mentioned that you cannot tell if Patty is being truthful or not. You may want to think of yourself as blessed because if you had stayed with her, or gotten into an exclusive relationship with her, you would be riding that roller coaster for the rest of your life, given that she would even stay in the relationship with you. That is not something you want for your life or something you deserve. Patty will continue to lie, cheat and treat others with the same disregard whether she is with you or not. She may stay with her husband or she may be outright lying. But either way, whomever she is with is going to be treated the same way you have been treated because Patty is in this for herself and no one else.
Working on your marriage is a great way to put this all behind you. Consider counseling with your wife if you feel there is something missing in your marriage. Be honest and open with her. She sounds like she is faithful to you and is trustworthy, something that is to be cherished and held onto.
Don't be too hard on yourself about this. Yes, you may feel you messed up. But who doesn't? As long as you try to make amends and do your best to fix things, you are doing better than most people. And long after you repair yourself and your marriage, Patty will still be lying and cheating and hurting everyone in her life.
Take time to grieve. This is a loss and you need to take time to feel sad about it. Learn more about grief and loss and try to connect with others if you feel you want support. Here is a link to help you:
Also, express how you feel. Write a letter to Patty about how you feel. Keep it and add to it as you need to. It will allow you to express your feelings to her without having to deal with her input about it. Keep the letter and when you feel you are done with grieving, burn the letter or tear it up. It will signal the end of the relationship and the end of your feelings for her.
If you need to talk, I am always here for you.
You are welcome, Bart! I am glad to be here to help.
It sounds like you really have taken the time to think this through and do some very positive things with what you discovered about yourself, your marriage and the affair. And being closer to God is always a good thing. It can only help you become the person you want to be.
It probably bothers you more that Patty might be lying to you rather than telling you the truth because being lied to is deception, which no one wants to be subject to. Deception makes us all feel the fool. It hurts, much more than the truth does even if the truth is painful. So Patty possibly telling you a lie is hurtful to you.
Telling God about your sins and asking for forgiveness is always a good way to clear the air and start over. God forgives if you ask. And He will help you start again with your wife.
I would love to hear about how you and your wife are doing! Please stay in touch.
I just wanted to let you know that I got your post. I'm out for the day but will be back on later tonight. I hope that is ok.
Talk to you then,
Hi Bart, thanks for your patience.
Good for you! I think what you did was great. You really called her out on what she did to you and keeps doing to you.
As you described her actions, it stood out that she really seems to get a lot out of the excitement of "getting caught" in her relationship with you. It is the same story each time you are with her. She gives you a cryptic message that gets your attention, you respond, she draws you back in with how much she cares for you, then she conveniently gets caught and then you get dismissed.
Although I cannot diagnose anyone I have not seen for an evaluation, it appears that many of the traits she exhibits are similar to a personality disorder. With a personality disorder, a person's reactions, emotions and actions are driven by a deep desire to fulfill an unmet need, usually from childhood. The person uses manipulation, emotional outbursts and neediness to get the attention they desire.And unless they see what they are doing, they usually do not get help with the problem so they do not get better. This may be why Patty keeps coming back again and again trying to manipulate you into responding and never seems to learn from your reaction that she is doing something wrong to you.
It is good that you ended all contact with her. It is the best way to handle someone who potentially has a personality disorder. Not responding to the cryptic emails, phone calls or other communication will eventually help you get out of the relationship for good.
I hope your book does very well! I wish you the best with it, as well as renewing your marriage. It sounds like you are in a good place with everything. Let me know how you are doing once in a while. I'd love to hear from you.
It sounds like she lived up to your expectations. She outright lied but the fact that you were suspicious enough to not trust her and check it out says that you already knew what to expect from her.
Unfortunately, she seems to be a manipulator. She plays with your feelings to get what she wants. It is interesting that she turned colder towards you after she got the phone from you. It seems that she tries to either get sympathy, attention or gifts from you then once she gets what she wants, she backs off. It may be that she finds it thrilling to see how far she can get with you then when she achieves what she wants, she loses interest. That is when the deception and games she uses to avoid you begin.
This is an unhealthy relationship for you. You are trying to have a normal relationship and she is incapable of one. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Each time you get close to a normal relationship it doesn't work.
It's good that you checked her story out and found out the truth. If she tries to contact you in the future (I'm pretty sure she'll try unless she has found another person to manipulate), it might help you to make a list of the things she has done to deceive you so you can read it over to prevent you from responding. As soon as you respond, she is good at pulling you in. She knows the right things to say to get your attention and she will ramp the "crisis" up if you do not respond. Not communicating at all with her would be the best way to stay away. Consider changing your phone number, emails and other contact information. Or at least block her the best you can. That can minimize the temptation to respond.
I am glad that you could get free of this very damaging relationship. She seems to have serious issues with lying and manipulation and you were only going to get hurt even further if you had stayed and kept trying with her. It usually pays to listen to your gut feelings.
When it comes to someone who likes to manipulate, the goal is to get their own needs satisfied first, no matter the cost to the other person. Sometimes those needs have to do with getting attention, for others it is to do it for the thrill of seeing how far they can go, and still others for a variety of reasons. People learn this type of behavior from childhood where they had to learn to adapt to deal with dysfunctional relationships with the adults in their lives who may be using drugs or alcohol, or are being abusive towards the child. Someone who manipulates usually does not see what they are doing. The lack of insight makes it hard for them to ever get help and therefore ever recover and have healthy relationships.
I explained all that to help you see that her next move is probably going to be whatever gives her the most jolt she can get. She probably wants to find a way to either get something for herself, or she wants to see how far she can play a game with someone and get away with it. She may have gotten the message that you are done this time, so the chances that she will return again are less than they used to be. But if she had any doubt that you meant what you said, she will try again, probably a text or contact you through something that provides a barrier for her in case you are upset with her for what she did last time. Hopefully, though, she has moved on.
It's nice to know that you and your wife are back together and you are interested in making your marriage work. I imagine that your wife was happy to receive the flowers and the attention. I wish you both a very happy future together!
I'd love to hear how things are going. Drop by anytime, Bart!
I thought as much, but thank you for confirming it. People usually do not develop dysfunction at this level without something happening to them early in life.
Take care, Bart. I look forward to hearing from you again!
I thought she might try to contact you again.
It sounds like with her email that she is testing you to see how you will react. I am glad to hear that you trashed the email and didn't answer. That is a good response.
She may try to email you again. Because of her issues, she may not think that you would reject her permanently, and may explain your last break up as you just being upset with her temporarily. That is how someone with her type of history usually handles rejection. They explain it away as something temporary or something wrong with the other person.
If she doesn't get you by email, she may think it's because it was lost (again, not seeing the real issue and how you truly feel about her) so she may try something else, like calling you. Depending on how desperate she feels (other broken relationships, trouble in the ones she does have) she may continue to try to get your attention.
If you don't want to talk with her, you may want to start cutting off possible ways she can get to you. You can't stop things like snail mail, but blocking her number and her email is a good place to start.
I hope she does not become to intense about talking with you. If she starts to escalate, you may need to take stronger action. But for now, these ideas should help.
Let me know how it goes,
It's good you decided to let it go. She would only use your communication against you.
I'm here if you need to talk, anytime. And thank you ahead of time for your accept!
Hello, it's nice to hear from you Bart.
She probably wants you emotionally invested so she can manipulate your feelings and play with you. It probably makes her feel good about herself to do this. She uses mystery and baits you by making you jealous and curious about her. She makes reality seem something it is not and uses that to get to you. It’s most likely all a game to her and she is having fun getting all the men in her life riled up and paying attention to her, jealous and wanting her only.
What you are looking at is most likely someone with a personality disorder. Manipulation and making you feel bad, like your reaction is not normal, are hallmarks of someone with a personality disorder.
As long as you give her time and a way to appeal to you, she will find a way to bait you. The only way to get rid of her is to cut off all communication. Do not open her emails, don’t answer her phone calls, texts or any other communication. Ignore her as if she doesn’t exist, no matter how long it’s been since you have heard from her. She will always come back because she can manipulate you. When you don’t give her that option, she will eventually go away.
You may also want to take the time to see why you keep returning to her. You are getting hurt each and every time but there is draw that has you respond to her no matter how many times she hurts you. That means there is an unmet need you have that you feel you can get addressed with her. But since it never gets met, you keep trying anyway.
If you have not talked to a therapist, it might be time to do that. Explore what needs you have and develop better ways to get them met that are healthier and more fulfilling. That will help you be able to say no when you hear from her.
What ever is driving you to see her is a bit deeper than the questions you are asking yourself. That is why I suggested a therapist. There is some unmet need, maybe from childhood, that causes you to be drawn in by Patty no matter what she does to you. It may take a little digging to get to it, but there is something there.
I am glad you are feeling better.
I did not receive the accept so you if want me to, I can forward your thread to the moderators so they can process it for you.
Hi Bart, it's good to hear from you.
Before I can answer, we need to transfer your new question onto a new thread. JA has changed it's rules and no longer allows more than one question and one answer/accept per thread. If you just want to start a new thread and say Hi Kate or something like that, I can manually transfer your new question. Sorry for the trouble.
It's just like if you asked a new question on JA. I'm not sure how that works because I cannot see the screens you use. If you have trouble, you can contact the moderators to assist you. Once you start a new question, I can transfer what you wrote here over to the new thread.