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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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My 22 year old daughter just lost her virginity. She just told

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My 22 year old daughter just lost her virginity. She just told me they had sex 2 times after dating 3 months and he sent her a text this weekend and was stepping back from the relationship. He said the chemistry was not there. She is heartbroken and feels used. I am also heartbroken to see her hurting and knowing she lost the most precious gift she could give to her future husband. This is really difficult for me as I remained a virgin until I married at age 30.I sent her to see her doctor today for testing. I feel he really played her.How does she recover from this. She has always focused on her education and not really dated.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.

I am so sorry for your pain and your daughter's pain.

Can you tell me more about your religious background if you have one, this will assist me to respond to your post.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We are Lutheran. She was raised in church and attended Lutheran schools K-12. She has always been a great kids--no problems and a straight A student. She has carried a 4.0 all through college. She also shared she really thought he was the one and since she had not really dated any and just turned 22 this might be her only chance at happiness. She stated he was always referring to the future. What kind of house do you like. Do you want kids? I am just stunned because she had always been a leader and did not follow what everybody else was doing. She would do what was right.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

 

Did you receive my information on our religious background? I have not heard anything.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

 

I just had another conversation with our daughter and she now tells me she performed oral sex on this guy because he wanted her to do so. This happened 4 or 5 times but he did'nt do it to her.I can't believe I am writng this stuff. Our world has been turned upside down.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
When is anyone going to annswer me?
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Yes I am here to answer you. I apologize I have been having some technical difficulties I have formulated two responses that have been lost.
While right and wrong don't change from a religious perspective the views of our culture do. The world your daughter grew up in is so different from the world you grew up in. At her age she has received thousands more messages against virginity than you had at the same age. Our culture is sex crazed and no one is exposed to more anti-virgin influence than the young. It is so difficult to see the huge difference in her experience growing up vrs. your own. Right is right and wrong is wrong but you have to cut the girl a lot of slack based on the world she has and does live in.
It is so great you have open lines of communication with her, Kudos to you for that.
As shocked as you are and as devastated as you are continue to do all you can to promote this open communication. You will want to blame yourself (this gives you a false sense of control that is artificially consoling). Unfortunately you didn't cause this and you can't prevent it in the future, only she can.
I am sorry your world is turned upside down and scattered about. Unfortunately many parents have experienced what you are going through. You may find reaching out to other parents for support to be helpful. You can find blogs and chats on line search under 'Support for parents of wayward children' etc. Also you may find support through your church affiliations.
Let me know what, (if any thing I can do).
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
This is the 22 year old daughter writing. I know I have hurt my parents terribly for what I have done. And I regret all that I have done and wish I could take it back, however, I know that it is too late. Nothing will ever bring my virginity back. What can I possibly do to help my family heal from this situation? As I think about the many reasons why I have done this I think part of it maybe has to do with a lack of self esteem I have always felt. I was a fat kid, in the past two years I have managed to loose approx 40 pounds, but I still feel in adequate. I have never felt like I was very pretty or the best at anything. In other words I have always sort of felt like the "second fiddle." Did I just do this because this was one of the first guys to ever show me attention and affection? What can I do to help myself? I want to change and never do this again. I made a huge mistake that I regret. I just want my family back.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Craving attention, and acceptance would be a huge reason you did this against your values and your family's values. Now you know it doesn't work to give away that which is precious to fill the empty or hurting parts inside you.

You have a good family, they obviously care about you and you are able to communicate about important things. Your family has been completely knock of balance and is wobbling at the moment. You and your family need to go through a grief process, that will take time. The steps in this process are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You and your family will bounce around in these stages for as long as it takes but eventually you will all regain your balance. If you are patient with each other and open in your communication as you learn and grow through this process you will be stronger as individuals and as a unit.

It's great you lost 40 pounds, and if you need to, you should loose some more. While you continue to improve your appearance, you need to learn that your deepest beauty is inside you.

One of the best ways to weed out the guys who will use you from the ones who will cherish you is to practice abstinence until marriage.

I love what Jesus said to the woman who committed adultery, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more". I encourage you to exercise your faith in His ability to heal, cleanse and forgive.

You may find some counseling to be helpful to improve your self esteem.

Let me know if I can help in any other way.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
How is my mom suppose to get through this? Her mother passed away two months ago and she is still dealing with that grief. She is torn apart. I feel like the most horrible person on the planet for putting my family through such terrible circumstances. My mom has not worked in two days. She said she can not function. She just keeps thinking about what I have done. What can she do to get through this and begin functioning again?
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 2 years ago.
Your mom may need to get some counseling to help her get through this double dose of grief. A good place for her to start to look for a counselor would be through your church connections.

I can continue to answer questions and provide encouragement if any of you need it but I do need to get compensated for my services. Please click on 'Accept' and continue to write to me on this thread if you like.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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