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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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I generally am a happy and high-functioning person with advanced

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I generally am a happy and high-functioning person with advanced degrees. I have a practice, two younger children and many responsibilities. I have a relationship which is fairly new, about five months. I have been very sleep deprived the past week and am now deeply sad possible depressed. What is making it worse is his anger. I now believe that he only loves the all-giving all successful me and he cannot accept me now. Everytime I try to talk he is angry and he keeps threatening top leave, end the relationship, keeps telling me obviously I am not the right person. He is ( I believe) quite sensitive, and takes any criticism badly. If he does not feel like responding to me, " he had a bad day" I am not allowed to be less than perfect, which I think has created a monster of expectations in him. What say you?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for asking JA. I also wonder if your own expectations of your self are very high. It sounds like you are not taking care of yourself and that increases depression. I am sorry that your boyfriend expects you to be perfect. Maybe he worries that he is not the right person for you and he is putting you down to keep you. This is probably a pattern that he learn in his childhood. I think you know all this. My question is what are you willing to do? Is he the right person if he makes you so unhappy? You have the right to tell him that you feel that he expects you to be perfect and that makes you really stressed. Start by telling him that you are not leaving him you just want to talk about something that bothers you. Own your feelings for instance say: When you are saying this, I think that and I feel this...Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Explain that you are trying not to be critical but to express your feelings. Make sure that you do not come across as critical. You may want to rehearse this with a friend. I also think is important to take some time for yourself and to do some of your own self care. Maybe you need to cancel some appointment ask someone to baby-sit your kids and go out with your friends do something relaxing. You may also need to take some time away with your partner. Maybe when you are in a relaxed environment you can talk about your feelings and how overwhelmed you are and he can be relaxed enough to be open to this. You may need to tell him how much you love him and that you are feeling overwhelmed by all that you have to do. Ask him for his help.

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