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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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This sounds like a letter from the love lorn but nevertheless

Resolved Question:

This sounds like a letter from the love lorn but nevertheless I'd like to hear your reaction.

I wrote you last year when my wife decided she had to move back to her home in Arkansas. She told me early in our relationship, about 3 years ago, that she had major depression. I think that she had decided to quit her antidepressant by then, thinking that she could get out of her self described life of being secluded for 2-3 weeks at a time. Our relationship included good sex and we were very happy. She then started wanting to spend more time in Arkansas, however I think she tried very hard to be happy with me. She complained that she just didn't fit in here in Oklahoma. We never fought, but neither did we ever really discuss her feelings. She kept saying that there were things going on inside her but she would not discuss them.

We divorced, then started dating again for about 4-5 months, then her son demanded that she quit seeing me or it would be the end of the son/mother relationship.

I have communnicated with her ever since, by card, letter, e-mail, and telephone. She seems to enjoy me to that point, but does not return the effort, which has always been her personality.

I love this woman very much, but am I expecting a miracle thinking she can ever be a mate that can give love, not sex.

I have read that people with depression need a good relationship but they throw out signs to their mate that they don't.

I currently date, and am sexually involved, with a wonderful woman. From my mental standpoint, is it useless to stay involved with my Arkansas ex-wife.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I understand your feelings about your ex. It sounds like you feel very strongly about being with her and that you still have feelings for her. You have made attempts to stay in contact with her and keep some level of relationship going with her. Yet she continues to keep you at a distance.

 

It may very well be that her depression affects her. Lack of motivation is a big factor in depression. The person feels the feelings, but is not motivated to follow through because they don't have the energy.

 

It also could be because your ex has personality issues. Some people, along with being depressed, may have dependent personalities. This causes them to have difficulty with making decisions on their own, and this would affect her particularly if someone (like her son) is telling her what to do.

 

If you feel that a relationship with your ex is the best way for you to go, then continue contact with her. She may not respond the way you wish, but this may have to be the way it is for a while until her depression gets better, or she makes a choice on her own. You can give it a period of time to see if things improve by then and make a decision from there.

 

Also, it may help you to get counseling to sort through your feelings and be sure you are ok with your relationship the way it is.

 

I hope this helps you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.