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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and have lived together for a year. He is 24 and I am 41. He is an amazing person, very loving and caring. The problem is that he keeps me a secret from his family and won't tell his dad about us. His sister found out about us in March and was happy for him. Or that is what he told me. He went back home to Ft Worth this past week and I told him I couldn't take being a secret any longer and that we needed to go our separate ways. He was very very upset but just kept saying I am sorry. He doesn't talk about his feelings much. A little later he finally told me that his sister told his dad back in March about us and his dad told him it was a mistake,to break it off. He said he did tell his dad that he did break it off. I understand he wants his dad approval but shouldn't he stand up for me? Should I break it off? I don't like giving ultimatums but it is hard when the only time I can talk to him is when he is in his car.

AgapeDoc :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer.

AgapeDoc :

Let me see if I can help in this situation....

AgapeDoc :

It is my intention to answer your question and exceed your expectations. If you are satisfied with my efforts, will you click on the green accept button?

Customer:

yes

AgapeDoc :

OK.. I see you are off line. Let me see if I can answer your question with what you have posted at this point.

Customer:

I am offline?

AgapeDoc :

I am so sorry, that you are in this trying position. I can only imagine what it must be like for you.

Customer:

It is very stressful and upsetting. He is coming home today and I don't know what to do?

AgapeDoc :

There are so many issues and dynamics that we could discuss, but it seems that your main question is if you should break it off. Well, let's look at that.

Customer:

Well a little background is that we don't fight or argue. We have had one major fight on July 1st of this year other than that 2 arguments and thats it. We talk things out. He is mature for his age except for this part. I feel like if his dad found out that he would make my bf choose between me and his family and I think I would lose.

AgapeDoc :

Something that helps in similar situations is to "generalize" the issue. That is to say, what if it wasn't the issue of age, but something else. Anything else that would keep him from introducing you to his family.....

Customer:

He said he wants to stay with me and in a way I think that this is his battle but again I don't want to wait for the other shoe to drop and get hurt.

AgapeDoc :

Would you want to stay with someone who didn't want to make you a part of his family for any reason?

Customer:

His dad just thinks it is the age. That he has so much life to live and needs to find someone closer to his age. I have told him this before and he says he wants me. We don't care about the age diff. We met and immediately hit it off and have been together ever since.

Customer:

Probably not

AgapeDoc :

As nice as this guy is, and as great as you are together, it doesn't seem that he sees it as a long term relationship - at least not a lifetime relationship.

AgapeDoc :

If he isn't comfortable introducing you to his family....

Customer:

Idk i have questions about that too but we are both like you never know what will happen and we want to see where this goes. Maybe I should flat out ask him if he sees himself being married to me?

AgapeDoc :

.... he is not ready for this - and I think you really know this deep down. But it is still hard to let something go that could be so great. That's what makes this so tough, but nonetheless staying with him will only prolong the inevitable... sadly :(

Customer:

Yes I think I am coming face to face with this now. So what if he did decide to tell his dad? Does that show that I am important to him? I would feel that way.

AgapeDoc :

So, the answer to your question is..... of course in my opinion is to give him that ultimatum. Either he moves forward, you both go to counseling, or you end it. I am so sorry to be the one to relay this :(

AgapeDoc :

If you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the green accept button.

AgapeDoc :

I wish you well.

Customer:

I know but that is what I need.

Customer:

Thank you

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