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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like the mixed messages from your parents, the bullying, and the self centered behavior of everyone around you in childhood may have caused you to develop PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome happens when someone is exposed to trauma such as personal injury (like the bullying) and neglect and cannot find ways to cope. The overwhelming feeling of having no safety and feeling of helplessness caused you to shut down. You can also have symptoms such as feeling numb and avoidance of the situation that caused you distress. Here is a link to help you understand PTSD better and see if you feel you fit the symptoms:
It is also possible you became very depressed and shut down your feelings. With the stress you were under and the lack of support from your family, being depressed would be a natural response.
The best way to deal with how you feel is to first find out if you experienced PTSD or depression (or possibly both). You can do this through self help with information from the internet and books, but the best option is to see a therapist who can do a full evaluation. You can also go to therapy to help you sort out your feelings from your childhood and how you can take what happened to you and see it in a different way. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor about a referral, or you can search on line at http://www.psychotherapy.co.za/.
Going forward in your life with this burden is hard, but it seems as you get older, you understand better what you experienced and how it affected you. Facing it helps, talking about it also helps. You can work on this on your own which will allow you to understand it even more. But you may want to consider support either through your wife and trusted family or a therapist. They can help you with insight and emotional support. And more understanding that you have, the less you will be affected by what happened to you.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
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