How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hello Again, I am seeking an answer from a child Pyschologist

Resolved Question:

Hello Again,

I am seeking an answer from a child Pyschologist regarding a concern I have about my granddaughter. She is seven and a half and has just started Grade Three.
My husband and I live in an in-law suite in our married daughters home which was built for us by our son-in-law. My husband and I are care providers for both grandchildren: our granddaughter and her younger brother.

Our granddaughter is feeling extreme anxiety about school this year as the curriculum is difficult. She is also experiencing anxiety about social rejection and bullying. My main concern in all of this is the way the parents are treating her. There seem to be very high expectations and on a recent holiday dinner occasion at our home, both my husband and I noticed how our granddaugter was being constantly corrected and criticized by her dad.
Her mother, who also works fulltime, is, in my opinion also being very strict and hard on her. Our granddaughter has expressed to me that she does not feel loved anymore!
I do not believe she is receiving enough unconditional love from her parents.

I know that as the care provider in the parents absence, I can do as much as I can to be loving and supportive of her. And I also know I need to walk a fine line in how much I can say to the parents. I do not want to meddle, however, I can see my granddaughter is suffering and I need some objective advice.

The fact that we all live in the same house, albeit, separate areas does complicate the situation. I am trying very hard to not interfere and to mind my own business, but this is becoming very painful for both my husband and myself. The parents have always been very hard on our granddaughter even though in many respects they are good providers in many other ways.

I would appreciate an answer or some suggestions on what to do about all of this.
Thank You.
I will not be back online until later this evening- around 9 p.m. EST.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question. I have experience evaluating and working with children so I hope it is alright if I answer your question.

 

Parents who criticize their children often do not realize that criticism is a form of verbal abuse. Parents criticize for a variety of reasons including modeling behavior they learned as a child from their parents, or as a form of control. They may think they are helping their child but in fact they are doing great harm.

 

Your granddaughter and grandson do not realize at their young age that they are not causing their parents anger towards them. So they internalize the criticism and think it is their fault and that there is something wrong with them. As teenagers, the child(ren) may rebel and act out towards their parents and society as a whole. They feel they need to live up to their parents expectations that they can do nothing right and that they are flawed.

 

What you are doing already is helpful to your grandchildren. Caring for them and helping them feel loved is important. You may also want to tell your grandchildren that sometimes adults feel things that kids are not responsible for. So while your grandchildren should be encouraged to follow the rules, let them know that how they are spoken to does not mean they are bad.

 

Also, work on increasing your grandchildrens self esteem. Tell them they are wonderful. Point out good traits they have. Praise them for a job well done or a picture they make. If you can provide love and attention they do not get with their parents, they will know how it feels to be loved and it will help them balance the verbal abuse from their parents.

 

Also, talk with your daughter again. Tell her that you found out that constantly correcting children with criticism can cause a lot of damage emotionally that has long term consequences. Gently recommend that the family might want to consider counseling. Also, you can show her articles or books that help back up what you say. Present everything as about caring for the children and not criticism of your daughter and her husband as parents. Let them know you are there for them.

 

Learn what you can about verbal abuse/ emotional abuse of children. The more you know, the better you can help your grandchildren. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.safechild.org/childabuse3.htm

 

http://member.preventchildabuse.org/site/DocServer/emotional_child_abuse.pdf?docID=122

 

The Words Hurt: Helping Children Cope with Verbal Abuse (Let's Talk) by Chris Loftis and Catharine Gallagher

 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by XXXXX XXXXX

 

Safeguarding Children from Emotional Maltreatment: What Works (Safeguarding Children Across Services) by Jane Barlow and Anita Schrader Mcmillan

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your answer. Please address one more topic for me. My granddaughter is being punished for not eating. There is pressure coming on her all the time about this. Please advise.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Just advice about the eating/punishment part.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

This is a situation ripe for causing an eating disorder. Punishing her for not eating still falls into the abuse category, but the consequences in the future could be an eating disorder.

 

Because of the punishment around eating, your granddaughter is going to start associating her eating preferences with something wrong with her. She will learn that listening to her body and not eating when she is not hungry is wrong. She will then learn it is not ok to trust her own judgment when it comes to responding to her own body's needs. She will also associate shame with eating. This is a root cause of eating disorders.

 

This also needs addressed with your granddaughter's mother. The parents are setting their children up for future behavioral problems, psychological disorders and possible rebellion. You can still talk with your granddaughter about how she feels. Try allowing her to express her feelings through drawing, play acting and just talking. Also, try to gently push counseling with her mother at least for the children as much as possible. If you feel the situation becomes any worse or you feel nothing helps, you may want to consider asking advice from her pediatrician or even children and youth services. You can ask anonymously. It is not ideal, but it would at least give you some options to protect your grandchildren.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education