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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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posted by Gracie Lu 8 15 am Report Comment I met my boyfriend through match.com

Customer Question

posted by Gracie Lu

8:15 am Report Comment


I met my boyfriend through match.com He stated that he was a runner, and his photos included ones of him skiing and sailing. He said he'd work out with a partner. He came to the gym w/ me a couple times. He carries an extra 30 lbs! Still, he tried running as fast as he did when he was younger even though he hadn't been running for a few years. He injured his back where he had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I helped nurse him back to recovery. He went biking with me a couple times and is ok with that. He eats a high fat high volume diet. I bought him a low-fat cookbook and suggested we eat healthier together. I've suggested he stretch daily and do light yoga at the gym. He hasn't done either of these. He%
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It looks like your question was cut off. Can you tell me how I can help?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I met my boyfriend through an online dating service. He wrote that he was a runner and had photos of him in athletic activities, and at a lower weight. He has gained 10 lbs since we started dating, and he was already 20+ lbs over a normal weight. I'm turned off by his large size. He used to be a star runner in his youth. He did run with me at the gym 2x's; however, with his extra weight and not having run for a while, he injured his back. He biked with me a couple times, which was ok. I suggested he stretch and do yoga and gradually get back in shape. He hasn't done either of these things. I suggested we curtail our intake and eat healthier. I bought us a "Clean Eating" cook book. He has made an item from it already. He still eats compulsively, high fat, high volume, like a foot ball player. It's disgusting. When we're eating out, he eats very civil and respectfully. When I suggested that we go on a healthy eating plan together, he told me that I don't eat enough and that he's comfortable with his weight. I'm a triathlete and never have been overweight. I'm a healthey eater. I do love him. We've dated for 4 months. I'm very discouraged that he's "comfortable" with his weight! He has back and knee problems. I suggested that curtailing his intake could alleviate his back and knee problems. He agreed. I KNOW he's 30-40lbs. heavier than a healthy weight. I'm very sad since I do love him. He's a good man. But, confused as to why he says he's "comfortable" at his weight when he was a star runner earlier in his life... and he's concerned about hair loss and his "puffy" eyes where he uses an ice mask. Those things aren't a big deal. But, his weight is! I used to be attracted to him physically with a few extra pounds.. but, not now. It's such a turn off. I've waited all my life to find a man with such a wonderful heart, integrity, responsibility, sense of humor..and that appreciate me. I don't know what else to do. I work out at the gym alone. I invite him on occasion. He only went w/ me 2x's when he ran with the extra weight and threw out his back to the point where he was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I've been subtle and gentle. Do I simply have to choose to be with a fat man or not?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the information. I appreciate it.

 

You don't have to be with him. It is a choice. And since being athletic is very important to you, it is a big part of your life. Being with someone who is not athletic is a big issue for you. That is something to consider. Also, this man misled you. You went out with him based on the assumption that he had a similar outlook to yours. It is only natural that you might feel angry and upset about how he presented himself.

 

That said, you may want to take a look at how important his weight is to you. If you feel that you would always focus on his weight as part of your relationship, then this may not be the one for you. But if you feel it is only a part of how you feel, then it may be worth a try. You mentioned that he has so many other wonderful qualities that they may make up for his weight issues.

 

Also, you may want to consider that changing him is not likely. He is set in his ways. He understands enough about his weight that he chose to mislead you about it, but he may not be motivated enough to change it. Encouraging him to eat better and exercise more helps, but unless he is willing to change this himself, he will most likely stay the same.

 

I hope this helps,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I'd like to know the most effective way to encourage him to eat better and exercise more, and consider taking off some weight.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

One of the best ways to encourage him is to give up talking about losing weight. This will only shut him down and make him resistant (as you have already seen). Instead, do things together that promote healthy eating and exercise. Don't tell him that is what you are doing, just act as if it's normal.

 

When you spend time together, do something active instead of sedentary. Eat at places like Subway and order together to share something. Make a lot of salads for meals (if you are in charge of the food at least part of the time). Substitute foods like regular pasta with whole wheat. Sneak in vegetables into food to make meals bulkier (there are cookbooks to help you with this). Get together with friends who are active. This will get him in the frame of mind to lose weight without even trying. The idea is to do what you need to do without letting him in on it, as if it is more a lifestyle choice rather than something he must do.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
good ideas. Thanks. I welcome more
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

When I affirmed my boyfriend's comment that he could lose about 10lbs, he said he was 10 lbs heavier than his high school weight.. which I know isn't true. He was 40+ lbs lighter and a star runner. I know he eats out of stress. Yes. It is important that my partner is healthy. He wants me healthy too. I make sure I'm attractive for him. I would hope I'm important enough to him for him to make himself important to me. Thanks for your help. Any other suggestions welcome.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Besides making suggestions to him about losing weight and trying some of the things we talked about already, there is not much else you can do. There is no way to make someone do something against their will unless they really want to do it. Everyone has a free will and they make their own choices. If your boyfriend is not motivated to care for himself then it is up to him. The only thing you can control is you and your reaction to him. If you feel that his weight is too much of an issue for you, then you can leave the relationship. If not, then you may have to just hope that he hears your concern and tries to do something about it.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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