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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5804
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I think my partner may be a narcissist. She is long distance

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I think my partner may be a narcissist. She is long distance but she tries to control what I do by threatening me. She calls me horrible names. She is obsessed about her looks and her self image. When im having problems she has a hard time focusing on me when I need her. Ive tried to leave but she beggs me to stay and that she would change. If I dont give in she becomes verbally abusive again and then tells me she cant do this without me. She bounces between abuse and desperation. I dont get it! I find it hard to leave. I dont know what to do. A friend of hers tells me she lies all of the time. I cant tell what she does from here. I cant tell what is real. She was very charming in the beginning and I fell in love with her and then she turned into the beast. What is happening? does she have a personality disorder? I have gone to see her two times in her home town and she has been here 5 times during our two years of dating. I gave her a ring and when It broke I was upset and all she could say was it wasnt her fault and I didnt pay the actual value of it so she didnt know why I was sad and upset about it. It took me a long time to find the right ring for her and when I saw it on sale i was able to get it. I send her b-day gifts, holiday gifts and cards just because. She sent me nothing. She photo copies her hands at work and wrties me a quick note on the back of a form from her job and tells me she wishes she could hold my hand and drops it in the mail. She did this several times. Is this thoughtless? If you need more examples I have plenty!

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


From your description, it sounds like your partner is abusive and probably has a personality disorder.


Characteristics of an abusive relationship include feeling confused, dominated, minimized (by her yelling at you), and feeling low self worth. There is also a sense that you are not sure what is real and what isn't.


The goal of an abusive person is to make you feel less about yourself so they can take over the relationship and control you. They will use many different means to do this including yelling, anger, belittling and trying to control your actions.


Your partner's inability to tell the truth also is evidence of a personality disorder. She is manipulating by lying.


You have two options. You can stay in the relationship and accept her behavior. This would not be ideal since it would require you to stop being the person you are and adjust your life to fit hers. You would also have to accept being abused, which is never good in any circumstances. Since people with personality disorders need insight in order to get help and get better, the chances your partner would change are minimal.


You can also leave the relationship. Since you have tried it and your partner became upset and threatening, you may need to plan ahead before you go. Get support from family and friends, be prepared to cut all ties (change phone numbers, etc), and set up an appointment for yourself with a therapist. You may want to consider getting therapy to help you cope with what you have been through and the ending of your relationship.


Here are some resources to help you:


I hope this has helped you,

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you