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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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My teen is definately blinded by this guy thats 19 and shes 16, She has given up her life

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My teen is definately blinded by this guy thats 19 and shes 16,
She has given up her life for this guy and she is still inlove with him and he is trying to get somewhat away from her and go to college in janruary, We decided to give her the chance to break it off when she felt like it, in turn she ccan get her life back ,car etc. She claims that they are done but I know thats not true. She cries and thats because he isnt doing what she wants,Her friends dont like him and thats at a cost as well any suggestions?
She is desperate for him???
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor, behavioral-consultant and relationship expert. I'm very sorry to hear about what you and your daughter are going through right now....

Duddy :

Do you mind if I ask a few questions to better understand your situation and your problem?

Duddy :

I notice that you just went offline. I'll check back every 20 minutes or so to see if you've returned.

Customer: I dont mind at all,ask away.
Duddy :

Ok.. I'm back now too...let me type some questions...

Duddy :

Would you mind telling me a bit more about the current status and nature of the relationship between your daughter and this boy?

Duddy :

How do they define and see their relationship?

Duddy :

Have they decided to call it quits formally?

Duddy :

Is it that your daughter wants to break up but is having difficulties emotionally or that she really wants the relationship to continue?

Duddy :

Are you still in chat?

Customer: She claims that she is done with him and she has broken up. I feel like its not completely over. This kid never has come around here because of the age difference, and he knows that we dont approve of him,(past relationships of his ex two abortions, dope smoker). He claimed at one time that he cares about her but hes afraid to break it off because she is desperate for him.
Duddy :

I've minimized the screen so that I can see right when you return.

Customer: I already responded, Did u get that?
Duddy :

Yes sorry there was a delay or something. I'm just reading your response.

Customer: k
Duddy :

Do you know what the 19 year old's view of the relationship status is for sure?

Duddy :

Also, do they communicate and if so how and when?

Customer: By her cell phone that she has borrowed and told me that she has, a walmart one, communicate all of the time
Customer: well the kid does lie so, as of a month ago he claims that he loves her somewhat, but he continues to cheat on her and thats why she broke it off
Duddy :

How does your daughter do in school academically? Also does she read books?

Customer: her grades have come up alot. she has intentions to go to college. she never reads books
Duddy :

Do you have access to counseling for her?

Customer: we are going to family counseling weekly and she clams up when his name is XXXXX XXXXX we have been going for a few months to a new lady, She is great but I dont know how to handle things from me because we cant seem to get off of her topics.
Duddy :

Thank you. What does your daughter plan to study in college?

Duddy :

In the family counseling, what are you not getting out of the counseling that you need as a parent? Has there been any specific advice or parenting strategy from the family counselor on how to best help your daughter get over this man?

Customer: shes only a junior in highschool, shes not sure possibly business. I guess that I dont know how to help her gain insight and improve her self esteem. It apparent that she has low value for herself. Not really on helping with her getting over this guy because she wont talk too much tjhere but tells me that shes upset and cries alot.
Duddy :

From what I can tell, you're daughter needs to go through a complete grieving process or cycle in order to fully get over the emotional connection to this man. It would be helpful if your daughter new that what it's actually a process. Let me get you a link to an article I recently wrote on this exact subject....

Duddy :

http://tinyurl.com/3meths6

Duddy :

In order for your daughter to go through this grieving process and get over and fully heal her "broken heart", it would be very helpful if she understood that there is a process to go through. It's not fun, in fact it can be very difficult at times but she will get over him if she allows the process to take place...

Duddy :

My concern is that not only is she unaware of the emotional detachment process, but it sounds like this guy may be interfering in that process naturally unfolding.

Customer: yes he is, too. She has to learn how to handle this on her own, she has told me that.
Duddy :

The reason I asked earlier about school and reading was because If she was into reading books she could really learn about what she needs to do to get over this guy. Just knowing that others have gone through it and actually buying into the process herself can do wonders for her self-esteem.

Duddy :

On the other side of it this guy needs to stop interfering in the process. If she starts to go through the period of sadness for example and she starts to get stronger and move into acceptance etc and he calls her she goes back to square 1 and that's not healthy.

Customer: i dont want to interfere at this point because we have done that and that makes matters worse, I thought about changing her phone number with a new phone but we have had alot of issues with her sneaking out ,running away etc, all because of him /??
Duddy :

The article I wrote was more for adults but the basic process is the same. I think if she could 1) read or listen to books on tape about grieving or getting over a broken heart; 2) Get help from the family counselor perhaps and or you and other close family members and friends, to come up with a "heart-break recovery plan" 3) and then actually get support following through with it; she'd really benefit greatly.

Duddy :

The sneaking out is another issue. It's a delicate balance sometimes between setting up strong protective parental boundaries and getting a teen to make positive choices through their own learning and internal commitment. It's a question of really assessing the situation, safety planning and risk/benefit analyzing the whole scenario....

Duddy :

I think it might be very helpful if she could really learn about and help develop her own heart-break recovery plan. What do you think of that idea? Do you think your family counselor would be open to that process?

Customer: that sounds good,I have her aunt and a youth minister to help her and thats not working because she just called me and told me that he has a girlfriend and she might try to leave school
Duddy :

I would arrange a meeting with the youth minister and aunt and really start to plan....

Duddy :

If she needs to come home because her emotions are too intense I'd let her do that also.

Duddy :

It's good to provide active listening, distraction and adult supervision when the emotions are high...

Customer: She has tried that alot lately, Im worried if she leaves school , She will head straight to him
Duddy :

I would have her come home instead. Can someone pick her up and bring her home?

Duddy :

or do you think she can make it through the day at a school?

Customer: I think she can and she needs too, I dont know
Duddy :

It's always good to have a flexible approach when dealing with these situations. Ideally she stays at school, but if she can't it's better for her to come home.

Duddy :

I think it's best to do everything possible to keep her from spending time with this guy or any negative peer influences when she is too emotional to think straight and make healthy decisions.

Customer: I know but she will not gain anything from leaving because she will be with him all day fighting
Duddy :

If the choice is to be with the 19 year old or stay at school then by all means school is better.

Customer: Ya, she will choose to fight with him, for sure . She is heartbroken. I feel like her continuing to be upset only makes things seem as though shes not done at all with him.
Customer: why would she allow a guy to continue to cheat on her time and time again?
Duddy :

I'm not in a position from this simple question and answer service to provide crisis counseling or any meaningful problem solving in a real time situation, because I don't know enough about the situation or your daughter. I'm also bound by contract to provide single answers to single questions.

Customer: Ok thanks alot, You have given some good suggestions
Duddy :

Your very welcome.

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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