Welcome, I am a professional counselor, behavioral-consultant and relationship expert. I'm very sorry to hear about what you and your daughter are going through right now....
Do you mind if I ask a few questions to better understand your situation and your problem?
I notice that you just went offline. I'll check back every 20 minutes or so to see if you've returned.
Ok.. I'm back now too...let me type some questions...
Would you mind telling me a bit more about the current status and nature of the relationship between your daughter and this boy?
How do they define and see their relationship?
Have they decided to call it quits formally?
Is it that your daughter wants to break up but is having difficulties emotionally or that she really wants the relationship to continue?
Are you still in chat?
I've minimized the screen so that I can see right when you return.
Yes sorry there was a delay or something. I'm just reading your response.
Do you know what the 19 year old's view of the relationship status is for sure?
Also, do they communicate and if so how and when?
How does your daughter do in school academically? Also does she read books?
Do you have access to counseling for her?
Thank you. What does your daughter plan to study in college?
In the family counseling, what are you not getting out of the counseling that you need as a parent? Has there been any specific advice or parenting strategy from the family counselor on how to best help your daughter get over this man?
From what I can tell, you're daughter needs to go through a complete grieving process or cycle in order to fully get over the emotional connection to this man. It would be helpful if your daughter new that what it's actually a process. Let me get you a link to an article I recently wrote on this exact subject....
In order for your daughter to go through this grieving process and get over and fully heal her "broken heart", it would be very helpful if she understood that there is a process to go through. It's not fun, in fact it can be very difficult at times but she will get over him if she allows the process to take place...
My concern is that not only is she unaware of the emotional detachment process, but it sounds like this guy may be interfering in that process naturally unfolding.
The reason I asked earlier about school and reading was because If she was into reading books she could really learn about what she needs to do to get over this guy. Just knowing that others have gone through it and actually buying into the process herself can do wonders for her self-esteem.
On the other side of it this guy needs to stop interfering in the process. If she starts to go through the period of sadness for example and she starts to get stronger and move into acceptance etc and he calls her she goes back to square 1 and that's not healthy.
The article I wrote was more for adults but the basic process is the same. I think if she could 1) read or listen to books on tape about grieving or getting over a broken heart; 2) Get help from the family counselor perhaps and or you and other close family members and friends, to come up with a "heart-break recovery plan" 3) and then actually get support following through with it; she'd really benefit greatly.
The sneaking out is another issue. It's a delicate balance sometimes between setting up strong protective parental boundaries and getting a teen to make positive choices through their own learning and internal commitment. It's a question of really assessing the situation, safety planning and risk/benefit analyzing the whole scenario....
I think it might be very helpful if she could really learn about and help develop her own heart-break recovery plan. What do you think of that idea? Do you think your family counselor would be open to that process?
I would arrange a meeting with the youth minister and aunt and really start to plan....
If she needs to come home because her emotions are too intense I'd let her do that also.
It's good to provide active listening, distraction and adult supervision when the emotions are high...
I would have her come home instead. Can someone pick her up and bring her home?
or do you think she can make it through the day at a school?
It's always good to have a flexible approach when dealing with these situations. Ideally she stays at school, but if she can't it's better for her to come home.
I think it's best to do everything possible to keep her from spending time with this guy or any negative peer influences when she is too emotional to think straight and make healthy decisions.
If the choice is to be with the 19 year old or stay at school then by all means school is better.
I'm not in a position from this simple question and answer service to provide crisis counseling or any meaningful problem solving in a real time situation, because I don't know enough about the situation or your daughter. I'm also bound by contract to provide single answers to single questions.
Your very welcome.