I`ve done something bad. I became out of control. I was totally out of control. Several things contributed to me behaving so badly but it certainly does not give me a pass for my actions or behaviour.
I am scared to type how out of control I became. But here goes. First off, I rarely raise my voice. I almost never use obsenities. I usually can remain fairly calm with my daughter and issues and attitudes that most pre-teen girl have. I`m not a saint but I do try to set good examples for my daughter. This is why this is so difficult for me.
To make a long story short, she didn`t listen and help me with a task with her usual excuse of having to use the bathroom. Because of this the thing I needed help with bacame worse and worse. By the time she arrived I was a mess and so was the kitchen (puppy issue). I just lost it.
I constantly have to nag her to help with any tasks around the house. She borders on lazy. I just get tired of having to ask her over and over to do something.
Earlier in the day, I got not so great news from the doctor about my physical problems. Then I saw my attacker in a grocery store in my end of town where he lives no where near. This startled me and I felt sick pretty quick and left the store immediately. I also had a session with my therapist which was pretty tough and raw. Not excuses. Believe me, I know there are none for my behavior. I am the adult and needed to act like one.
We were yelling at each other and at one point she told me she hated me and said I was the worst mothet in the planet. She also said she wanted to go to her grandma`s place so I said sure and got her bag for her. She kept pushing my buttons until finally I lost it. I ripped a bunch of posters off her walls and yelled things back at her.
I took her to her grandma`s and she wound up coming back home in less than 2 hours. The problem I have is the things I did
and said make me a horrid mother. I have spent the last 12 years trying to protect her from her unbalanced father (we never married, never lived together) and have given her all I have financally but more importantely with my time. But now I have ruined all I have done for so long. She is so important to me and to think that I wrecked our relationship feels so sad
Kate, what have I done. I know I need to be punished but cutting doesn`t seem like the answer as she is smart and I don`t want her figuring out that I`m a cutter. I apologized and will replace what I ripped up but it`s my temper that has never come out before. She is the most important person in my lifel. I feel about sick and unforgiving about it.