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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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For Kate. Id be grateful if you could help me unravel my childhood,

Customer Question

For Kate. I'd be grateful if you could help me unravel my childhood, please. Thanks
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hey there! I got it. Thanks for starting another thread. I appreciate it.

 

Have a good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hey Kate,

Just saying Hi. Had a down day today, not got myself together enough to write. Will try tomorrow. Seeing K soon. Til later,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope you have a better evening. If you would like to talk, let me know.

 

Have a good session with K,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Therapy was a light session tonight, I'm glad after Tuesday- K even said I was a mess (no offence taken!), and was not good and worrying from where she was sitting. So tonight she convinced me I wasn't crazy or mad, and not once in the last year had she thought I'd inflated the truth... it's our anniversary on Saturday!!

I am so lucky to have 2 lovely therapists to help me. I am very grateful. Thank you for being here. I'm feeling better- I'll be back tomorrow,

Good night

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

That is good to hear! I am so glad you have K too. She sounds like a gem for sure.

 

No Rose, you are definitely not mad. I can say that for sure and obviously K can as well.

 

I will always be here as long as you need me.

 

Talk with you tomorrow,

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm quite exhausted!! I did a bit of job researching and came across a job for a Primary Care Nurse (like Practice Nurse at GP Surgery) at the local Prison. I have the application almost complete and I'm really quite excited!! Have you ever worked in a prison, with prisoners in any way? I have cared for them on general wards under heavy guard (handcuffed to a prison warder as they lie in bed), but have never been in a prison. Just wondered... :) I'm sure I'd cope OK, I guess I'm pretty tough.

I hope to get back later, but need a rest now!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

That sounds very exciting! I hope it works out for you. I have worked with people involved in the justice system who are ordered to mandatory counseling. It's challenging but interesting for sure!

 

Let me know what happens,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

So much for my excitement this morning. Shame I couldn't keep it up, have crashed this evening. No writing today. Sorry, I so want to talk to you but can't get started. I'll send you some pics on the other question instead.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Sounds good! Have a good night.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,

So much for telling you my job app was almost complete yesterday- it's taken me ages to get it just right, but I am very fussy! But now it's sent, so I can get back to you! I've missed you. I've also been looking to enter one or both of my poems into a competition- there are many out there, just for fun! Your idea in a round-about way, so thanks!

I'll be back in a while I hope.
I've been feeling less crazy today btw!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I think a job app is a good thing to be fussy about! You sound so happy. It's good to see you this way.

 

Please let me know what happens with the competition you enter. I have no doubt you will do well. You are such an excellent writer! I am excited for you!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
it's so good to talk to you, you make me smile, and feel comfy.

thank you

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You're welcome! I'm glad. Laughing

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,
How are you? I wish I could get my head together to talk to you properly tonight, but there is little hope of anything comprehensible!
I'm going to try childhood tomorrow, I want to start writing meaningfully again, get back to work!
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Good morning, Rose! I bet your up and at 'em already this morning (since it's noon time already at your place!). I hope you are doing well. I'll be here today if you want to talk.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate!

Talk about early birds- Do you put the kettle on before your computer!! I noticed you were on line at 5.30am yesterday! Do you have trouble lying in?!?

I've just had a lovely lunch with one of my closest friends whom I went to school with, but wasn't friends with til later. Very therapeutic. She wanted to read my poems, and saw more underlying connection with my current situation than I was aware of. How is it possible to write something and not be aware of the meaning of what I write if looked at from another perspective. The more I read them, the more I see, as when I wrote them I only had what I saw with my eyes in mind! And she commented on the huge contrast in feelings between them both, again which had passed me by./ She has helped me name the first- Sea E-scape. I will think more on the second. It needs a good title. If you have any thoughts, gratefully received!

Have you watched Shirley Valentine? It is my weeks homework from K to watch it. My friend lent it to me today- she started to tell me about it as I was telling her about St Ives, and I said ha ha that's my H/W! So she's lent it to me (while I wait for Amazon to send me mine.)So that's what I shall do now, then should have time to talk to you later.

Am doing better today than yesterday thanks. Hope you are OK too.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose,

 

Yes, that's me. Up and going early lately. Too much to do to lay in bed!

 

I agree, there are many references and feelings in your poems that relate to what you are going through. Along with being therapeutic, they are a wonderful way for you to express what you are going through lately. I would gladly take a look at them again if you wish. I would enjoy looking at them from a therapeutic perspective. At the time you sent them, I thought I would just enjoy them! But yes, I agree with your friend. I think your feelings in the poem add so much power to their impact. It is why they are so good.

 

I have not heard of Shirley Valentine. I did take a peek at what the movie is about. I can understand the reference, but what is the goal of your homework?

 

You seem quite different lately. It is good to see. Very upbeat and social. The impact of your session with K last week must have been great. Do you mind if I ask about what made the difference for you?

 

How are things with Dave and the kids?

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Just watched Shirley. :) K's idea is that it's a 'feel good' movie, which I can identify with, and bring to mind when the sh*t is hitting the fan (not my words!). It's about a woman who has lost her identity as an individual, and she finds the Shirley Valentine that she was before she married and had family. It's about finding me again, not so much the Maiden-me, but the adult me, (not the me that my mum raised), and about being possible to start life over. She finds herself alone by the sea on a Greek Island, and by being alone (unintentionally) she is able to start liking herself again. Please watch it.

More later.

Rose

I'd love your therapeutic take on my poems, but only if you promise to not let it spoil them for you. :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Sounds good! I'll try it.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Thank you for saying I'm up beat, I've been trying hard not to give you negative every time I write. I have been feeling better, but especially down in the evenings, I edited my post to you twice last night to take out the miserable bits!! I've been missing talking to you, but I've been so tired, and not able to think straight, and I've not wanted to rush my childhood memories- a bit at a time, so I've been making a note here and there as I think about it.

I honestly don't know what has turned me around, but like I said on Thursday, I feel SO grateful to have YOU and K, that I feel cared for like never before. I feel I'm being mothered, and I feel cocooned and comfy (I'm crying with this thought). K was insistent on telling me how much better I was than when we first met a year ago (have you sussed out how we met?- I can't tell you), and she was careful to make me understand that I was depressed with a valid reason, and there will be a way out; that I could take whichever path I wanted, that there is no right or wrong path, but I will be supported however I choose.

Finding the HMP job brightened me a little, as it meant I could think beyond the stress of the job I now have, to something new, albeit unknown territory, but I thought it might suit me, especially as I was looking towards mental health, this would be a good cross. It would be easier on my poorly body too, so that made me think positively.

Your enthusiasm of my poems warmed me greatly, and made me feel I am good at something, and have something I can share with others from within. My GP has seen me only as a wreck the last 2 years, and I wonder what she thinks. I emailed her my poems when I needed to tell her something last week, and I'm glad that she has seen a bit of me she will never see in the surgery. She said they are very clever- that made me look at them in a different way, and I saw more in them than I had realized. I also feel that she cares too.

The children have been OK this weekend. Sam has been out a lot, at work or his girlfriends. He had some friends here on Friday night, and they had a ritual burning of his toilet door that he had smashed in. I hope that now it has gone he won't be reminded of the anger that he prevailed against it as a result of Dave's windups (I have to also admit that being defeated at X-box games caused equal anger.) Sam was home for the evening yesterday and wanted to spend time in the house with us, and Dave being home for once caused uproar over TV channels!

I took Dave his coffee this morning at 9.30. I suggested, once he was up, that he started to look for a job considering he was working so little, working very part time, lying in bed half the morning on a work day. He told me that he's not sleeping well, bc he's worrying, about why I'm not in his bed, about US. He stays in bed bc he's depressed, and I'm making him that way with my distance and coldness. I said are you not happy for me to be in my room, if it's what I need to be happier and feel better. Yes, but for how long, if once you're feeling better will you come back? I said I can't say. That he has known for a long time that I don't feel good towards him. He said that's when I was being a p*i*k, I'm trying now, I'm being nice. Yes, I say, only just, but it's been coming down on top of me for so long, it was such a heavy weight, it's taken me a YEAR of hard work to get to this point, I can't just change overnight and put it all to bed. I think it hit home, he changed the subject quickly.

Tonight Sam is out. Dave, home from the pub, is his usual in your face self. 10 mins and I'm gone. Now he has Irish jigs and reels (which I normally love) playing full volume upstairs, while I'm in my room, no escape if I wanted to. I was talking to Sam about his Sociology course this am in the car on the way to town (he missed the bus!) and he says they're learning about family units and role models. I carefully asked him if his lessons were making him think about his own family, which of course they are, but he didn't seem to want to discuss it. I talked to Poppy while out walking with her pony yesterday, and I asked her if she understood why I'm not good friends with Dad anymore. She said No, not really, but I just think she wants to hide from the truth.

It was nice to be out today. We went for coffee, then I was going to go home. When we were leaving she said oh, I didn't see your photos. She said lets get some bread and cheese at the supermarket and have lunch at hers. I really wanted to just go home, coffee and lunch being too much for me. But I made myself say yes, and we had a nice lunch, talking St Ives and poems (we studied English at College together!) She suggested 'Attrition' for my second poem, but it seems a bit too harsh to me. I'll think along those lines..........

Kids home from school time? Do yours start at some unearthly hour in the morning? K's daughter starts at 06.30! Ours start at 08.50 What a difference. Studies have shown that teens do better if allowed a lie in and start studying later in the morning- their body clocks are different to the younger and older (or is that just a lame excuse?)

Anyway, best let you get on.....

Rose. So good to be talking to you Kate :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, please do not feel you need to edit your posts with me. I hope I have never given you the impression I judge you in any way (gosh, I hope not!). I would like for you to feel ok being open and allowing yourself to let your feelings out as you need to. You may not have much chance to be yourself as things are now at home and it's important you have a place to go with how you feel.

 

I am glad you are feeling cared about! It is very true, you are cared about by many people. I especially want you to know that I think of you and pray for you often (I hope that is alright with you). What happens in your life and what you feel are both important to me. That you are able to feel that care and attention is a wonderful thing! I am sure K feels the same. The meeting thing with her has me baffled (you've got me thinking now!)but you may have put me on the track some. I am guessing similar to you and me but I am not sure. You'll have to guide me on that one. You are good at it!

 

I was happy to hear that you are considering another job. Please keep me up to date on how it goes. It will definitely hone your skills in mental health, the tougher side of it too.

 

It is interesting how Dave has been talking with you. I imagine this is the making up/manipulation stage of getting you back under his thumb. Very common with abuse cycles. But I am wondering if Dave is beginning to see what we are all seeing already, you are changing. You are becoming stronger and able to face him. He may feel quite threatened by this and is now scared into making an effort. It is great how you responded to him. You stood your ground and didn't give in. I am happy for you!

 

That was good insight with Sam and his sociology course. If he wasn't already making comparisons (and I agree with you, he probably is), then he will be now. It is good in a way to help him understand that Dave's way is the dysfunctional way and not the norm. And Poppy's response was just as you said. But you did her an opening to talk with you if she decides to.

 

Your friend with whom you had coffee with sounds very nice. I do like the name she came up with for the one poem. But if you are not comfortable with the other name, holding out till you do hear the right one is a good idea. You will know when you hear it.

 

Our kids do start school early here. My oldest goes around 7 and so does the middle one. The youngest goes later, around 8:30. Not too bad. But you are right, the older kids would do so much better going later and the younger going earlier, since they do like to rise earlier.

 

Take care, Rose, and if I don't talk with you again tonight, sleep well.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate,

You make me feel good, thank you so much. I know you don't judge me, at all. I just felt cross with myself that I'd just written negatives, so I felt better taking them away. From now, and for a very long time(!) you can have them all, unedited. :) I really do appreciate your thoughts and prayers, you are very kind, and thank you for the importance and care you give to me- I DO feel it, big time.

Doing well! Check out my question history!! Remember what I told you last week?

Til tomorrow
Goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I'm glad you feel good about what we talk about. Please do let me have it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. I'll accept it all from youLaughing

 

Ok, I will do as you suggest. I don't recall last week (my memory is shot- Mommy Alzheimer's) but I'll look into that too.

 

Good night, Rose!

 

Kat

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hey Kate

One word= anniversary!

Rose :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.
A ha! But it's locked can't look Frown Another idea?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hehe!

Am smiling at your interest and curiosity! I have it in storage (my message?).... It's vveerryy long!

Am with Alexis today. Back 5pm

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

See you then!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

phew. I am in a mix post tx. I just don't understand my feelings and emotions! We spent the last 20 mins talking about duration and frequency of sessions, and finances... I just can't say (maybe don't know) what I need and got in a real muddle. I've been thinking for a while that maybe I'm finding 4 hours too much, that 1.5 hours x2 might be better, with a little reduction in the fee, but I can't say all the thoughts I've been thinking now she has put the question to me! And I couldn't cope with the conversation without many tears, I know she wants to help me any way she can esp as D is a poor earner, and a lot of my income goes on her fees! I feel it's so hard for me to say what I think will be best for ME- I don't know how I will feel if I don't see her x2, but I'm sure I'll be OK bc I can talk to you. Then I feel stupid bc I can't make a decision. So, it goes on.....

Anyway Kate, I must get some sleep, I'll catch you tomorrow. Don't forget, I'd love your therapeutic take on my poems, but only if you promise to not let it spoil them for you. :) Only when you're bored! (that'll be never!)

Rose


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

I am glad to hear from you. I am sorry that you are feeling upset about your therapy and working out something with the hours and fees. I understand where you are with this. This is about asserting yourself with what you need. At this point, it seems that you feel a reduced schedule works better for you for two reasons- one, you don't feel you need 2 hours 2 times a week anymore (a great sign!), and two, your finances have reduced so you need to lessen your time. Both reasons are very valid and make a lot of sense.

 

The stuck part is asserting what you need and making these two points. What is the feeling you get when you are confronted with needing to speak out on your own behalf? Is it about judgment (what the other person would feel about you), or is it about fear (I can't speak out on behalf of myself because something bad will happen) or something else? There is a block in your mind about allowing yourself to fulfill your own needs. This is actually a great situation because it will help us work through something that holds you back in most situations in your life- asserting your rights.

 

Your basic rights as a person were never taught to you and even if you knew them, you were not allowed to use them. All through your life, you have been surrounded by people who not only tried to take your rights away, but that were ok with you accepting their abuse and giving up your rights. They have all treated you as a non person. But that is not something you need to accept anymore. And this issue with therapy is a great starting point.

 

How do you feel about practicing what you want to say about this? Make your points, think out all the possible responses K could have (she is a good one to try this on, she cares very much about you so she is safe), and practice how you want to say this (using a even but strong tone). We could try it together (except for the tone part Laughing). What do you think?

 

Yes, I do want to look at your poems again. I will see if I can access them through the other thread. I'll let you know!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate,
that is amazing. Who'd have thought (well not me obviously) that there was a reason for all that mix up in my head! I'm amazed you unraveled what I was trying to say (well, not THAT amazed, bc you ARE amazing!!!)
Sorry, waffle.
Will work on't tomorrow :)
Bon nuit
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you, Rose! You humble me with your words.

 

I like waffle- thanks for the laugh Smile

 

Have a good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Here at last. I've tried to be busy today a get stuff achieved, but paying for it now the day is almost through. I have emailed K and come to a conclusion about sessions and fees, so that's something. I couldn't sleep last night, head buzzing from my session (ending at 10.20 is too late really, but I have to time it while D is out), but thanks to your help I went to sleep with a conclusion made. Just had to remember it this morning when I woke up. Isn't it frustrating when your mind settles on something and you can stop worrying about it for the time being, and when you come to think about it again you forget what the conclusion was, and have to start again, weighing it all up, and maybe reaching a different conclusion! I wish that didn't happen. That's why I doubt my decision making.

So, the decision was drop Thursday, starting tomorrow, and keep full fee for 2 hour session on Tues (she only charges me for 1 hour, but it somehow became 2 hours bc I had such trouble talking, it'd take almost an hour before I could get anything said.)

The feelings I get: my head is a confusion of potential outcomes, trying to sort out what is best for....everyone else, and then me. Like the Drs appt last week. I knew I wanted it, but wasn't going to take it bc it had been blocked for a reason; she was willing to unblock it, but I couldn't let her do that bc Dr would know, think darn her, I wanted that blocked, she'd think of me negatively and I would have more thought attention than if it had just been an available appt. I would feel more anxious than usual attending the appt and it just wasn't worth the trauma.

What went through my head yesterday was:
1. she has suggested reducing our session length, frequency, bc she doesn't want to spend so much time with me. She gets bored with my difficulty in talking, and would rather not see me so much.
2.She said if I feel I need to see someone in person rather than over skype, someone who is closer to home, then she was ok with that (she was much better at wording it than that,) She has said this several times since I've worked with her, I know she is giving me the option, permission, but it really freaks me out. I know she cares a lot, and thinks of me often, but hearing her say I can go find some-one else if I WANT TO, and she won't be upset makes me feel that she WANTS me to find some-one else. I KNOW that is false, but it really rattles me, and I have asked her not to say it again.
3.I have been seeing her x2 for a long time. How will I adjust to going to x1, and what will it be like when it's a whole week between sessions, will I lose some of my ability to talk that I have gained from more intensive sessions, will I feel like a stranger, will it be difficult to tell her everything, or will I be more careful with what we talk about, and will I miss things that are important.
4.She has a sliding fee, but I have insisted that I pay her full fee. She has justified this to herself by giving me 2 hours (it just happened over timed, wasn't planned) I know she needs the income. Money talk has always been awkward. I have felt more comfortable paying her full fee. I don't like to think of favors being done for me, I don't deserve them, and I need to make others feel better/good before myself. Lately my Dad has been paying some of the fee, another way to justify to K that the full fee is all I will pay. He offered, and he can afford it.
5. So, by dropping to one session, or cutting sessions in duration, and therefore cutting the fee, made me feel uncomfortable bc I knew she needed the income. BUT she was feeling uncomfortable knowing I was working in a job that I didn't like so that I could pay her. Did she suggest cutting the fee so that I don't feel it's so necessary to work in a job that I'm stressed in, when I don't need that stress, and

OMG my head

I'll be back

Rose
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Sorry....

Did she suggest cutting the fee so that I don't feel it's so necessary to work in a job that I'm stressed in, when I don't need that stress, and I felt guilty that she felt bad for charging me when I had to work x hours to pay her. But I always said to myself that I don't spend money like D does, and he spends that much at least on himself, and I don't, so I deserve it, and I need it.
6.So, I guess, long and short of it... I didn't want to get it wrong to her perspective. i wanted it to be right for her, but I knew what I wanted for myself, and it didn't match what I thought she needed for herself. I felt there was a huge force preventing me from being honest for myself, I wasn't ABLE to tell her what I wanted, it was being stuffed back in my mouth as I tried to say it, I became upset with the turmoil, fighting that was going on in my head, and could only cry with the frustration and mixture of wants and needs. She was making it as easy as she could possibly make it, didn't make me feel judged, wrong (there is no wrong answer), and even though I had come to a conclusion in my head before we skyped, it was just stuck there. So all I could do was agree to think about it and email her today, which I did, and all is AOK.

So, (again!) in any situation where I have to make a decision that will affect more than just me, I can't do it, and I have always learnt to be happy to do what everyone else wants to do, go where they want to go. In fact, anything that Dave wants he wants without discussion, so I have just got on and accepted it, even if I know it's a bad decision/ choice, egs are, all our cars, design and choice of floor coverings, fixtures and fittings, even our bed we have bc it's what he wanted. That's why I so badly need my own space, my little room, I don't care how small it is, it's mine and I don't need to share a decision with anybody else, no-one else will mind what picture I have in the wall, or what the rug is like. And I can paint it any colour I like.
When I am in company, i
When the children were younger,I used to be often asked if I will look after children after school. I would always agree with a smile on my face, or in my voice, and not let the parents think it was too much to ask, always happy to, a pleasure. I cannot make someone feel they are a trouble or burden, so nothing is ever too much trouble. That's fine, I like to help people out. But I was never able to draw the line, and even when it was putting me out somewhat, I would either amend my plans to accommodate, or find some other way to solve their problem.
One example comes to mind....several years ago, after many shoulder dislocations, I agreed to have it repaired. I had my date for surgery, 3rd Jan. My sister came home from Ghana, and needed to have some sensitive screening done urgently at the hospital. She asked me if I would go with her to get her results, bc she was scared of the possible outcome. It was on the same day as my operation. No-one knew the date of my op bc I was still undecided about having it (a friend had recently had hers repaired and she was telling me unpleasant tales), so I cancelled my op so that I could be with my sister at her appointment. I may have cancelled it anyway, but I may not have, I can't say.
More waffle. I think I could fill a whole thread with this topic, but will leave it there.

I like your idea of practicing an interaction. I know I have concluded this scenario, but I guess it could all be good practice for another occasion.

Must sleep
Good night

Rose


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose,

 

Sounds like you have made a very good decision about your sessions with K. I understand what you feel about coming to a conclusion then rethinking the whole thing. When that happens to me, I find it very helpful to write things down. If I can see it in front of me, then I can write out points in favor and points against and come to a better conclusion. I also talk to other people when I cannot decide what to do, even if it is a simple decision. It helps to get input from others who think of things I don't consider.

 

I think part of the issue here is trusting your own judgment. You can make good decisions. You have made plenty of them all your life. But putting yourself first and believing in your abilities gets in the way. You feel putting yourself first is a bad thing. It links to your childhood like we talked about. You were made to put others first all the time. Your needs were not met and you were not put first at all. Now you take that lesson and continue it in your dealings with others.

 

Becoming more assertive and putting yourself first is something you can learn, though. It takes baby steps to gain confidence as you go. Don't confuse being assertive with being aggressive, as Dave is. This is about believing you have basic human rights and allowing yourself to be first in a respectful way.

 

First, think of why being assertive frightens you. One of the reasons is the fear of not being liked. What are the other reasons?

 

Being assertive at a basic level involves recognizing when you need or want something. For example, the appointment at the doctor's office. You had a need to see the doctor because you were in pain. That takes priority over the doctor's blocked time. And recognizing that doctors are used to squeezing in appointments and having little time is part of seeing that it is ok to make the appointment in the blocked time. If it was not and the doctor really wanted the time off limits, he/she would have made sure the secretary knew that and you would not have been offered the appointment. The responsibility is the doctors to block the time, not yours.

 

So your need was definitely important enough to accept the blocked appointment. Allowing the doctor to be responsible for his/her own blocked time is important. Taking that responsibility on yourself is part of why you feel as you do and why it is easy to become muddled. There are no boundaries for you in situations like this. Recognizing who is responsible for what will help you feel less obligated and more able to stand up for your own rights.

 

You also made a lot of assumptions with K about therapy. Her need for money is her issue. Almost everyone could use more money! There is no reason for it to become your job to pay her to take care of her. K always has the option of increasing her fees or taking on more clients if she needs more income. Making her problems your problems is making you feel obligated to care for K which is not your responsibility. Also, K is responsible for her feelings about her sessions with you. You may be assuming that she feels forced to obligate you with therapy sessions and is easily bored by you. But K has choices here as well. And if she felt you needed to see someone face to face instead of on Skype, she would say so. Offering you options does not mean she feels these things. But to reassure yourself, you could always ask. Ask K if she feels she wants to end your sessions. And what if she would say yes? What would happen? How would you respond?

 

Another way to express your needs is to start your statement or request with something like this- "I understand that you are busy but I need you to address this issue as soon as possible". This statement acknowledges the person and how they feel before you make your request and it also gives you a chance to get your needs out there.

 

This takes practice. Realizing that you are as worthy, just like anyone else takes work. Especially when you have believed you are not important all your life. But practicing daily will help you learn to recognize your rights and you will become more confident as you see that asserting yourself helps you get your needs met.

 

Kate

 

I got your second post after I finished and posted this response so I wanted to edit and add some things:

 

Along with the responsibility boundaries, the intense need to be accepted and liked is very strong for you. It is how you got close to validation as a child. Your parents message was that you would be acceptable if you put others first and let your own needs be neglected. But that was their message and it does not work for you. There are other ways to get your needs met, including standing up for your basic rights. There is a validation that goes with getting what you need. It feels good and it helps your esteem improve.

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Thanks for your post- such good breakfast reading that I forgot to make Poppy's packed lunch!!

I have put my 2 poems on a writers website (called Fanstory) where you can post and get reviews. I had to think of a title for my second poem, and eventually got 'Reflections of an Unsettled Mind' not quite what I wanted, but it'll do til something else inspiring comes up! It's been well reviewed so far. :^) I've just learnt to put a little nose in the smiley face- wasn't sure what it was meant to be at first, but a nose it is!

My book has arrived- An Adult Child's Guide..... as recommended by
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC! Good job I have another week sick, better get reading.

Will reply to post soon. Wanted to say 'Hi'. Hope you're having a good day.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hope your day went well too! I will check into your poems on the website. Good for you to have so many positive reviews. You are quite talented, so I'm not surprised.

 

I am very interested in hearing what you think about the book!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes, my day has been and gone...

I had a very difficult visit to my GP to update my 'fitness for work'. She has signed me off for 3 more weeks, but I hope to go back before then. I tried to ask her for a stronger analgesia for my back hip and pelvic pains to see me through the night, but she just offered me diclofenac which has no effect. I really struggled to make myself heard, and got myself very stressed and stuck. I gave her a piece of paper with 3 requests on it- sick note update, creative therapy referral (made in May, still no word), and pain control. The first two were sorted. But I came away with nothing for my pain except a physio referral (probably weeks hence). She asked me things I didn't want to talk about, I got very upset and said I had to go.

I've been feeling very low since then, feeling pretty hopeless. I emailed work to apologise for further absence, and for not ringing in person to speak to the Matron, but I couldn't trust my emotions to not take over. But I sorted out my poems which I enjoyed. While driving to Exeter to pick Sam up I thought of an improved title- 'Reflections of a Mind at Sea', or 'all at Sea.' Not sure yet.

I've just realised I haven't Accepted you answer! Am slipping. Post this first.

Tonight I am without skype. I feel OK so far. I have asked K if she wants to stop our sessions, she has talked about me finding someone else on a couple of occasions. And it always tips me up. But I KNOW she is asking bc she is worried that I need to see someone 'up close and personal', and skype isn't right for me. She tells me she IS NOT FIRING ME! just giving me permission. If she DID want to end the sessions then I would go to pieces and lose my focus. If she couldn't see me bc of illness, then that is different, I would still be very upset, but I would know it was nothing that I had done to cause it. Same insecurities apply.....

If my children don't like something, or don't agree with something that I have asked them to do, then they will tell me. If I give Poppy something in her lunchbox that she doesn't like, she doesn't want to hide it from me, she leaves it uneaten for me to see, and I ask her about it, and don't give it to her again, or prepare it differently. I hope that I provide a packed lunch that won't make her stand out from the other kids, and help her to fit in. When I was at school, my experiences were very different. I wonder how afraid I was of my mother.

We had to have packed lunches, there were no school dinners. There was no lunchbox, just a recycled plastic bag with an elastic band around it. We had sandwiches made with often dry stale homemade bread, made on the Saturday, to last the week. Day after day, the same, occasionally with a hard boiled egg in it's shell. Eggs are smelly. I didn't like eggs at all.I never ate my eggs, but didn't tell my mum that I didn't want or like them. When I got home I'd put it in the back of my toy cupboard, and panicked when they started to smell. Why I didn't throw them away at school I shall never know. There was never anything nice to eat, no crisps, no choccy bar, no piece of cake, just half an apple (core in), no bottle of squash (just water from the fountain, fair enough, not a problem). So I didn't eat my lunch with anyone who might be judgmental of the contents, might sneer at the crumpled plastic bag. I would look at all the tasty looking lunches in the lunch cupboard, and wish that I could taste soft white bread, or a cereal bar for my break. I am ashamed to admit that I stole someones lunch once, hid it under the shelf til the end of the day, and ate it after school while I waited to be picked up. I wished that I could
have it everyday, but wouldn't dare to ask mum for shop bought bread, white or brown. (My dad often grumbled about the bread, but never loud enough to make an impact- he still has the same problem today, but doesn't want to upset her)

We went to school in town, 10 miles away. We finished school at 3.45pm, the same time as all the other schools in town. Mum wouldn't come to collect us from school until all the school traffic had cleared, and before the evening rush hour. We (my sisters and I) had to wait at school all on our own, everyone else gone, except the school secretary. We had to wait until 4.30, just kicking around, then wait on the street corner hoping she wouldn't be too late. Often we'd be waiting til well after 4.45, just wasting our precious after school time. She didn't work. She would just stay at home, gardening, this and that, maybe a bit of food shopping on her way in. But she never offered to pick us up straight after school, and I never was able to challenge her. But we hated it. It would be 5.15 at the earliest before we got home, just caught the end of the children's programs before the news while we ate our strict 4 biscuit tea!

We had homemade summer school uniform, Material different to the shop bought dresses, and the styles were very different too. But our winter uniform was shop bought. Our school shirts were boy style, no blouses with darts and rounded collars. No tights, but boys long grey socks, held up with garters made from washing up gloves. And we had to have boys shoes. Why weren't we given the chance to be like the others? We were set apart for all of our school days, it bothered me a lot, but never did I whine and ask for clothes like all the other girls, I knew not to ask to go to the shops.

I mentioned the school secretary. I had a trusting relationship with her, she liked me and was interested in me. I sat in her office after school waiting for time to pass, and helped her with this and that. I also had a close pupil/teacher relationship with a beautiful, young, kind, sweet PE teacher, and she liked me too. I wasn't particularly good at PE, but in my final year she invited me to be vice PE captain. I was very happy. At the end of my exams in my final year, everyone else was keen to be at home, or with their friends. I made an excuse to mum that I still had to be at school bc I wasn't old enough to leave, and I needed to be at school to help with things. Truth was that I didn't want to be at home with her, on my own. Truth was that I wanted to feel close to the two women that made me feel wanted, and cared about. I spent most of the rest of the school year helping them out. I remember having photos taken with them at the end of term, and the PE teacher giving me a little china egg cup, which I still have today.

Oops, it's late. Not sure if I've drained the school subject yet. Think tomorrow.

Good night Kate.

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, my heart is breaking for that little girl who needed the attention and love of a mother who cared. I can picture you, little and just wanting to fit in. Just wanting the basics so she could be like others. Not asking for anything special.

 

Your mother made the family work around her needs and wants, making herself the priority over you and your sisters. If your father was even fearful of displeasing your mother, then you can imagine the level of abuse she pushed on others. As a child you had no chance against her. Your father should have stood up to her and protected you. But he did neither. So you and your sisters were left to deal with her abuse directly.

 

Leaving you to stay after school on your own is abandonment. Anything could have happened to you. She was not keeping you safe and protected like she should have. She basically put her needs before you and your sisters, and her needs were not even important. Gardening and shopping are not more important than caring for your children. No wonder you do not feel your needs are important and you struggle to give a voice to your feelings.

 

Your mother did all she could to give you just enough and not allow you to fit in. This is also a way of making you feel less than others and therefore not important. Your theft of a lunch was evidence to how you felt lower than others and your desire to be at their level, if it was just once, just a "taste" of the other children's lives.

 

Here is an article that describes how bonding should work in a relationship between a mother and child. It is from an article called Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children by Bruce D. Perry. I usually would not copy a work by another, but this says it so well:

 

"The acts of holding, rocking, singing, feeding, gazing, kissing, and other nurturing behaviors involved in caring for infants and young children are bonding experiences. Factors crucial to bonding include time together (in childhood, quantity does matter!), face-to-face interactions, eye contact, physical proximity, touch, and other primary sensory experiences such as smell, sound, and taste. Scientists believe the most important factor in creating attachment is positive physical contact (e.g., hugging, holding, and rocking). It should be no surprise that holding, gazing, smiling, kissing, singing, and laughing all cause specific neurochemical activities in the brain. These neurochemical activities lead to normal organization of brain systems that are responsible for attachment.

The most important relationship in a child's life is the attachment to his or her primary caregiver — optimally, the mother. This is due to the fact that this first relationship determines the biological and emotional 'template' for all future relationships. Healthy attachment to the mother built by repetitive bonding experiences during infancy provides the solid foundation for future healthy relationships. In contrast, problems with bonding and attachment can lead to a fragile biological and emotional foundation for future relationships."

This is the very root of why you have trouble expressing your needs to your doctor and why you feel that rejection from K is just around the corner. K's desire to find the best way to help you is met with fear that she will desert you because you bother her or don't matter, just like you felt with your mother.

 

Your relationship with Dave is the same as well. You identify with feeling neglected by those who are supposed to love you. Dave fulfills that role very well.

 

It is good that you had the secretary and the PE teacher. You needed someone in your life that treated you well. Though they could not take the place of your mother, it sounds like they gave you something that you treasure- a little window into what you should have had with your mother.

 

I would like to hear more about your school years and how you experienced them.

 

I like the title for your poem! Let me know what you end up deciding.

 

Have a good night, Rose.

 

Kate

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Time alone at last! I have had a quiet and restful day, until the last hour or so, and then it all blew up. I've got all 3 dogs in here with me, 2 on my single bed with me, and the old dog Jack on my rug- they want some peace too! Now I'm ready for bed!

All was well until the inevitable return of D from the Watering Hole at 8pm. I had his usual monologue, getting on his very high horse about something political that he'd been talking about in the pub. I was glad I didn't have my hearing aid in so I could only hear him with one ear!!!

Sam asked him something about meeting his friend's Dad (both driving to Bristol) while they were at a concert, to pass the time until the concert ended, and D exploded in a frenzy as he didn't want to spend time with this man. Sam was most upset bc he thought he was doing a kind thing for both D and his friend's dad as they would both be there, nowt to do, time to kill. Sam and I left the house to go and pick up his friend from the village, and Sam was very angry, said I wish my dad was a Happy Drunk, not a Miserable Drunk. I said he is happy when he's in the pub, it's just when he comes home. I'm thinking seriously about getting Sam some therapy/counseling as he was talking to me about feelings of paranoia, low self esteem and confidence this morning. Also anger management. I suggested it to him, and he only said no bc of the cost. So I might see what his college has to offer.

Thank you for your post re school days. I'll add to it tomorrow, unless I have a second wind tonight! I feel sad too thinking about the young Rose, who was like a shy little bush baby, only without her mother to cling onto, without the warmth of her fur to make her feel safe and loved. The paragraphs from the article are very good, and as you say says it so well. I fear there was little bonding, none that I have memory of, no touch other than a stiff kiss (fiercely planted on the cheek, no gentleness even in the kiss, still to this day the same, I have never been hugged by her, I feel I can't hug her). And there was no fun in our times together, everything was serious, learning, doing good, things being done with and for a purpose, never fun, no play parks, Adventure theme parks, no laughter, no FUN.

I think my poem will simply be called 'All at Sea', defined as 'In a state of confusion and disorder.' But still not certain.

Will get this off while you're still on line.

Rose

PS D has informed me he has an appointment with the pub at 9am to watch Wales play the 1/4 finals in Rugby! Not looking forward to my weekend!




Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I agree with you. It sounds like Sam would benefit from therapy. Besides his college counseling option, are they any free or low cost community mental health centers? They have them here but I was not sure if they are an option for you where you are.

 

It sounds like your mother kept all love and care from you. No wonder you crave feeling loved and liked by everyone. To have someone reject you would feel just like how your mother treated you, and you would want to avoid that at all costs. The pain would be deep. We can continue to work towards healing for you so you do not have to be re traumatized each time you need to reach out.

 

I would like to hear more about your school days when you do feel up to it, of course! Do what you can to care for yourself with Dave on his rampage. Hopefully, he will find a way to be out most of the weekend.

 

Great title for your poem. I feel very positive about you putting them out there.

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Happy Saturday!

Rejection is deeply painful. I remember as I was growing up, becoming attached to several women who would show me some attention; the newspaper lady... I'd join her on her round as she delivered to our house, and everyday I would walk to the end of the road with her, posting the papers as we got to the houses. She would call for me. She gave me a necklace with a heart pendant with R engraved on it. There was another lady I called on in the village, she kept a rescued deer in her garden who had only 3 legs. She helped me make a scrapbook with drawings in it. I can still picture the page that she drew a 3 legged deer, and wrote Nimrod the 3 legged deer. I was very little, 6 or 7. I would call on her on my way home from the village primary school before we were sent to the Convents, and she would be nice to me and give me flapjacks. My first budgie was named after her- Billie.

I've just googled counseling in Exeter, and came across a centre in streets, beside rivers that I'd never heard of.... It was only when they started talking about health insurance, and all the conselors had the same letters after their names (LICSW) that I looked a bit further and realised it was in the US (NH, where ever that is)! I'm so used to spelling counseling your way that I got a bunch of US refs! (We have 2 l's)
I wanted to check out something for Sam. He has been referred to CAMHS, but we STILL HAVEN'T HEARD.... the story of my life. Anyway, there is councelling, free, at College, so I'll get onto that for him next week.
Talking of referrals, it's been nearly a year since I was first referred for creative therapy, then when I saw my psychiatrist in March she was to re-refer as nothing heard. I mentioned it to my GP on Thursday, and she phoned the dept directly to find there was no referral. And they wouldn't take it from her, so she had to get back to the psych and get it going that way. I received a copy of the letter to the Clinical Psychology Dept today, asking them to phone me on receipt, as there had been an oversight on their part with the initial referral! Getting anxious now.

Today has been a mix of a day. Dave went off for breakfast at the pub, and watched the rugby, I'm told it was a beer free occasion. I took Poppy to orchestra and food shopped. After lunch I was to take Poppy out on her pony, then Dave was going to help me move the 2 ponies to the other field half a mile away. P and I were outside with the pony. P was telling me how she would like our garden to look, and what she would like D to do to make it look nice. It has been the bone of contention for many years, something that I am not allowed to speak up about without an uproar, and so I have been silent. Poppy doesn't want to be silent. She wants him to do things. She keeps asking him if she can help him to get things done, and so does Sam.

Dave is a collector of other people's rubbish. If he thinks there is a useful potential, then he will have it, rather than seeing it disposed of. We have an enormous window leaning against Sam's room (2 years), there is a triple gas cooker behind the aviary (again 2 year, used for one BBQ), there are 2 crew rowing boats at the top of the lawn which he drove 280 miles to collect after meeting someone on holiday, they have been lying around untouched for 5 years. There are piles of things everywhere you look, unsightly, complained about by neighbours who have to look at them out of their windows. He has had a huge hole dug at the bottom of the garden, his idea to collect rain water from the Barn roof to use for watering in dry spells. He wanted to make a pond, but didn't line it properly, now it's just an ugly deep pit, full of weeds. He didn't listen to me when I said I didn't want to waste the money on digging it. He said it would be worth it, save a bit of money on water rates (pennies), have a lovely pond, wildlife, more fish! I couldn't bear to have a trench dug all the way across the lawn, grass dug up by caterpillar tracks, piles of soil left with no where to go. The trench was left open for months and months. It's been badly filled in, sunk, weedy. But I'm not allowed to say anything, it was a good idea Rose.

So Poppy was trying to make herself heard, telling him that the pit needs filling in, the rubbish got rid of, the space cleared to park Sam's car. It would be nice. He didn't like her making these suggestions, turned things onto her, told her she was a lazy cow for letting me groom her pony. He went in and up to the computer, she wanted to get her point across, be in control for once. I tried to get her to leave it, but she was upset. He was ignoring her, telling her to F*** Off. She wanted to drive it home, and wrote him a letter. She told him about all the things that she (we) would like to be done to make home less messy. She keeps telling me how much she loves it here in this house, this garden. (unsettled??) She made a list and was quite direct (I didn't read it), I told her she oughtn't to be writing it, he'll be upset. But she did, and left it on the table in an envelope.
We went for our ride. We passed several houses where there were people in their gardens, making it look nice, tidying and weeding. She looked at me and said everyone else can do it, but not dad. She said we ought to get someone in to help us do it ourselves. I said I'd thought of that, but what's the point of spending money paying people to do it when D can do it?? She said she hates him when he's stubborn and mean.

We talked about the letter on the ride. I said she maybe shouldn't have written it. I said I'd like her to apologise to him when we got home. She became anxious as we neared home, and ran inside as I got the ponies ready for the move. Dave wasn't home to help me, I wasn't too surprised. She was writing another letter, and sorry letter, sorry for nagging him, but she was upset. She left it on the table, and we moved the ponies between us. I took the dogs for a walk before going in, and when I got home Dave was back, but had gone to bed. I took Sam to work, and he told me that Poppy had tried to tell him that she was sorry, but he was having none of it. He told her to go away, and wouldn't talk to her. She was upset, crying. She told Sam all about it, and he reassured her that he didn't blame her for wanting to write it, that we all feel the same. After dropping Sam at work I went to talk to Poppy. She said she had been to talk to him again, he was in bed with a 'headache', but that he had accepted her apology, that they were ok again. He stayed in bed and missed supper. Now he's up and laughing at the TV again (You're not watching that are you? Where is the remote....)

Poppy is feeling better. She just wants everything to be OK.

Enough for today!! Here goes, unedited, sorry it's waffly again...

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hello Rose! It's good to hear from you.

 

I can see you as that little girl needing attention so badly. I think those women, the substitute mothers, saw your pain too. They tried to fulfill a need for you that your own mother should have been there for. You grabbed onto their love and care tightly and to this day, it still remains special to you. I am glad you had these women to help you. You got to see and feel some of what you deserved from your mother. The rejection from your own mother must have been so painful and deep. The effects of it drove you to seek what you could from people outside of your family. How do you feel that experience affects you now with your own experience with being a mother? And in your daily life?

 

I am glad you found a counseling option for Sam. It's interesting that you ended up in searching in the state of New Hampshire (that's what the NH was)! I've never been there but I've heard it's nice! Let me know how Sam's experience goes.

 

Dave sounds like a hoarder. What happens when you try to throw some of the stuff away? I ask because it seems that Dave has say so over the property and what happens to your home. It should be 50/50 between you.

 

What happened between Poppy and Dave is a good example of how dysfunctional the family becomes when Dave is involved. Poppy was trying to get her point across anyway she could. She is pushing out of frustration. Dave does not see or understand her frustration because he wants things to run smoothly from his perspective. He wants things his way. So he shuts her down by getting angry at her,calling her names and cursing at her, which is inappropriate and abusive. If he was a healthy parent emotionally, he would have given her a chance to voice how she feels then answered her appropriately. That means he could have said I'm too busy right now but I will address it later or that is a good idea, let's look into it. If she kept pushing, the healthy response could have been to set limits on her behavior- You need to watch your tone or what you say to me, as your parent. Something like that. Said in a caring but stern manner. Abusive language, yelling and making her apologize is very dysfunctional and hurtful to a child. He should apologize to her, actually. Because he turned this situation around on her and made her to blame, she is going to process this as something is wrong with her. She will learn that men in her life are allowed to bully her and it will be her fault.

 

You sound like you had quite a busy day with all the running and chores. I hope you had a chance to sit down and catch your breath! Thank you for telling me everything without edit. I appreciate that it is not easy to be open and trust, especially after all you have been through.

 

Have a good night,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Good morning Kate,

New Hampshire does sound nice. We have a Hampshire here too, it's the county where I did my Nurse training, and I lived there for 12 years. It has the New Forest, which is a National Park, and a lovely coast. I wonder if they compare, of whether settlers from Hampshire named it home from home?! (just googled it and of course it was. There is a Plymouth and Manchester as well as Exeter. Well, it IS New England. I like this history project!!)

Yesterday I was very busy, full on all day, no rest til a rare moment when I sat with Strictly Come Dancing on and began my post to you. It is frustrating that I have to push myself through the barriers to keep up with the things that should and need to be done, while he spends the morning in the pub drinking coffee(!!), surfs the net while I sort out the pony for a ride, OK, he picked Sam up from his lunchtime shift, but then he went off somewhere and made sure he wasn't back in time to help me move the ponies. I asked Sam to ask D to take him to his evening shift while I prepared tea, but he just looked in D's room and saw he was in bed, and dared go no further.

Bless my daughter. I wonder what went through her head last night. It was late after her friend went home, D was on the computer upstairs, and she wanted to do something quickly before she went to bed. D has a computer in his room, put there to stop the fights. She had been in there a little while when she came to me and said could I help her get rid of the spiders in the corner of his room by the bed, and that she had washed the mould off the wall there too. I said the wall needs a lot of attention bc it's very damp, take a look at the FUNGUS growing behind the bed on the other side. She was horrified!! (it is gross). I left her for a while, then asked her to get ready to go to bed, and found that she was stripping D's bed of filthy sheets (I know, my job, but I was trying to make a statement) and I said leave it. She said no, I want to make D's room nicer (she said for her benefit bc she didn't want to be in there with it so horrible) I wanted D to clean it out, I said he should be sorting it, he leaves it like that. D came down the stairs and frightened the life out of me! He said why was I asking her to leave it, she is helping me. I said I told her to leave the sleeping bag that he had dumped on the floor beside the bed many weeks ago. He said I didn't put it there. (who did?...... the dogs!!!!!!!!) I went to bed. He said what's the matter with you? Nothing why? You're in a huff.. No just going to bed. That's what P should be doing (11pm?) He knew I was a little upset that P was doing his dirty work. He was loving it.
Come on then Poppy, where are the sheets (he's stood watching with a coffee in his hand) He did do the duvet cover, P could't manage a double. So, that gets done for him. Next she's in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher. I go to sleep. This morning the kitchen is pristine. There is a list on the kitchen table of things she would like to happen in the kitchen to make it nice... painting, tiling, sills, finishing window frames, de-clutter (D's collections of tack!) the list is long. I turn the page over, and the title is Living Room, not yet listed!! We shall see what happens today!

I think P needed to do these things to make her feel better after the latter, and to prove a point to D that things can get done if you try. Is she is taking over a parental role? How should I feel?

I dare not throw 'his' stuff away. Everything will have it's use. He has overflowed our garden, and taken over a large area of my parents field and the barn there. He is pushing his boundaries everywhere, my parents dislike his mess. I am screaming just thinking about it. An old caravan dumped there, full of junk, a workman's hut, windows smashed, floor fallen out, full of junk. We have an amenity rubbish collection once a year, and every year I implore him to clear his rubbish. The problem with most of his 'stuff'is that it's bulky and either needs 2 to handle, a van to transport, or it would mess up the back of the car. He says he won't take stuff to the recycling centre in the van bc he has to pay, that is a very lame excuse, but not much I can do to turn the pressure on. It is no way 50/50. more like 99/1.
Since he has taken over the stable with all sorts, but mainly drums, the things that bother me in the house get moved out wards. That is what I'll do today I think, tidy up the smaller clutter. He has cds lying around all over, they never get put back in their cases, let alone back on the shelf.
I could keep going, but you must be bored by now!!

D still in bed. I expect you'll be up before he is- hehe! At least he had a night without alcohol, the bottle of wine is untouched in the cupboard.

I wonder what you will be doing with your day off today. I hope you have a lovely family time, I will think of you and your family unit. :)

Til later

Rose




Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Good morning Rose!

 

There are numerous places in the U.S. named after the "homeland". Most of the east coast was named by the settlers from England. Where I am from, Virginia (named by Sir Walter Raleigh and Queen Elizabeth I), almost everything was named after places and people in England. Most people where I lived were either English, African American or American Indian. And our accent was derived from the English accent. Some of the recipes from England and the Settlers is still served in the restaurants. The mother of one of my good friends was born in the UK (Oldham, Lancashire, England) and came here as a child with her parents, who opened a place called Manchester Square. They kept their accent so I got to hear it often. So it may have been years since the settlers, but the love affair is still strong! Isn't history fun?

 

It sounds like Poppy may be expressing her anxiety with the situation with Dave by trying to control everything around her. Maybe she has been able to confront some of her past resistant feelings about Dave and found that there was no solution to dealing with him. So she is trying to gain some control by straightening up her environment, if you will. It is a common reaction to someone who feels anxiety about not being able to control what happens around them. They then try to control something else, like cleaning obsessively or themselves through eating disorders. At this point, it is too early to say this is what Poppy is experiencing. She only just started this behavior. But if she continues, it may be her way of coping.

 

People always react to abuse by doing some behavior to compensate. And Dave's treatment of Poppy, you and Sam is certainly abusive. His behavior is overwhelming and he is much like a bully. This causes trauma to those exposed to it. Poppy has been a victim of Dave in two ways, directly with his treatment of her and indirectly by seeing what Dave does to you and Sam. The inability to control or respond to Dave has left Poppy (and Sam) with no where to put their feelings. So they compensate in other ways, usually hurtful ways.

 

Does Dave become upset if you try to remove his things, or have you been able to try to move his things? What if you remove items he has not seen or bothered with in years? Is he able to keep track? It is interesting that you feel sharing with Dave is a 99/1 situation. I agree with you. You do a majority of running the home and all the other responsibilities. Since you have so much more of the responsibility, you should also have 99% of the say so of what happens, especially with his junk. What do you think?

 

I am never bored with anything you tell me. I am touched that you are willing to share with me. Anything you want to share, I am interested in listening to. And I will do my best to help.

 

Not much going on here on my off day. I have the usual chores (as you know, they never stop when you have a family!) but I don't mind them. This is a day I try to hang out with the kids, talk to them about anything they want to share, and try to work out the kinks from the week. I would like to take a walk and maybe watch a movie tonight with everyone. But that is about it, unless something comes up!

 

How do you feel it went this past week without talking to K on Thursday?

 

Hope your day goes well and you get some time to have fun!

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hey Kate,

Thanks for your post, I hope your day is going well, and the kids are giving you a good time. We used to watch a movie on Sunday evening when the kids were younger. They've moved on from there now rather.
Sam has been to work again today, he can't believe how much money he has from his shifts this weekend. He's set for a spending spree, with the spare in the bank. I took him for his first drive in a geared car (his is auto) in the hall carpark. He spent many attempts at getting the biting point, many stalls, but got there eventually. You might think it would be a father - son thing to do, but Sam would rather it was me. Flattered, but yet another thing to add to my list!

Poppy has been keen to help D outside again today, she enjoys getting things done. There was plenty of bad mouthing each other though, I'm afraid I left them to it.

No, D doesn't like it at all if I touch his things, especially his drums. I was so fed up with them literally lying around the house in every corner, that I moved some of them that I could manage out to his stable. And Sam helped me to move 2 compact kits that he'd bought on ebay, one that had been sitting in the hall where it had been dumped on delivery, never even got out of it's case, and the other, again unopened, which was beside the bed. At the moment there is a large base drum sitting in the hallway, just waiting to be tripped over. Poppy says, I'm going to ask D to move that, I say you'd best not, but it has to go. Yes, he takes over the house with his clutter, his music, the tele, his voice. I am the other extreme. What I have that is mine is confined to my room. I only use 2 rooms in this house, the kitchen and my bedroom (not counting the bathroom!)- though I'm not complaining, it is my choice.

I am tempted to go through his stuff and dispose of things, but there is so much, I just wouldn't know where to start. I don't want to be the one who has to sort that as well as all the rest of my jobs, I just want him to take responsibility for some things himself. I would like him to listen to me when I ask him to sort things out, and not go off on a rant of 'all in good time' (what IS good time?). I collected 3 broken plastic chairs that he dumped in the hedge of the ponies paddock today. They've been there for at least 2 years. They're on his pile of other junk by his van. I might fill the back of the car with what I can manage this week and take it to the recycle centre. It's one thing to be given something and not put it to use, but when he spends money on things that he says are unique/collectable/a bargain and then just puts them aside and forgets about them, that makes me even more cross. There are many examples of that, one being a unicycle that hje said would be fun to learn, a bicycle frame that is of good value (still just a frame- we have enough bikes for 2 each, I don't ride, nor does D, they are everywhere!)

I think it will be very difficult to budge the 99/1 situation, he feels he has so much more right over what and where and how- we keep being reminded that he built the barn (certainly not single handed- I'd say he was more of a labourer than anything else!) so he can do as he pleases, or, more to the point, not do as he pleases!

I feel OK without K, but am beginning to feel a little anxious about talking on Tuesday. I wish I didn't get so bothered. I struggle with my memory, so will have to write down everything that I want to talk about- she always starts by asking how I've been, and then how was my weekend, and I usually draw complete blanks. Ridiculous!

Sleep beckons. I'm going to attempt a chapter of my new book 'Adult Child'.... will let you know if I can stay awake!

Til tomorrow. Enjoy your walk and/or movie... :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, you are sounding quite overwhelmed, with good reason. There is a lot that feels out of your control around you I imagine, mostly due to Dave's wishes and whims. That alone can cause a lot of stress and hostile feelings. But I think that more of this is in your control than you realize. Although it is hard to push the status quo, it may be worth a try. It alters things when you push (much like you did when you went away for the few days) but it may cause Dave to back down some. I wonder if he is a bully in the full sense. When pushed he becomes fearful and backs down. And besides, what Dave feels is of no matter. He may think that it is important, but that in and of itself does not make it so. His feelings also must be assigned importance by you and if you do not count his feelings as important, then it doesn't matter.

 

You mentioned that you feel Dave would not like if his things were moved. But what do you feel he would actually do about it if you cleaned some of the mess out?

 

Good for Sam! He sounds like he is doing so well. His job and learning the gear shift. I've never had to learn one but I've heard it's not easy.

 

It is a good idea to write down what you need to say to K. It is very common for people to do that when they have an appointment. I sometimes do it when I see my doctor (and if I don't, I forget something!) and other people I know do the same thing. Who can remember everything when you are faced with dealing with so many emotions and thoughts?

 

I hope you made your chapter tonight! But I understand if you are tired. You have had quite a weekend full of activity and work. Sleep well, Rose. Sweet dreams!

 

Kate

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,

you make me feel warm and smiley! Another mum for me :)!

Dave didn't know I've been signed off work for the last 2 weeks, he hasn't noticed, or asked, and I haven't felt the need to tell him. But I told him this morning that I was off bc of my back, he just sighed, said oh dear what's happening about it, and I said I am waiting for a physio ref. He was actually up before P went to school, and so I had to have breakfast with him. I went back to bed while my painkillers took the edge off, and read the first 2 chapters of my book- no I couldn't manage it last night! Plenty of ah-ha moments already, I think wow, that's me, me, and me again!!! I'll enjoy getting stuck in, more later.

Today I'm going to ask D to move his base drum. I'm going to move his drum stool (what stops me is WHY SHOULD I, I WISH HE WOULD JUST SEE, THINK, NOT BE SO IGNORANT) I know he will say, they're fine, not doing any harm, that's his standard reply.

I need to visit my aunt with the dementia this morning. I couldn't make it last week, I wasn't up to it. She really needs attention at least once a week, and feel I have to say she needs to find a home help soon, especially if I get a new job in the new year. But I worry, bc I have to go through her fridge to make sure the contents won't make her ill, and her bins are usually too far gone for most peoples stomachs! She has been using her dishwasher without any detergent for months, and it was totally clogged with fat/grease/yuck last time I visited. I have supplied her with tabs now after de-clogging it on my last visit! At least she hasn't been stuck in the bath all night since she has her hoist! And her new (very old) cat from the RSPCA has been keeping her company and happy.

Catch you later,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Wow, I'd say Dave sounds pretty absorbed in his own world to not notice you have not been to work in two weeks. That is pretty amazing.

 

I am glad you have found the book useful so far. I recommend it a lot because it is so helpful in putting into words what you experience as a adult after an abusive childhood.

 

I understand what stops you about Dave's response to moving things and getting rid of his stuff. The argument alone would be exhausting. But a good response to why should I is "because I want you to" end of story. Repeat as necessary. What happens if you try responding that way?

 

It is a lot of responsibility to care for someone who has dementia. You care for so many people, Rose. I wonder who cares for you?

 

Kate

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi again Kate,

 

I know, D is amazing!! I was tempted to see how long I could not be at work before he noticed! But I felt I should tell him... couldn't keep it up. I kinda felt guilty that I wasn't sharing, thought he'd really want to know.

 

Stuff. I've taken some pics today. I've only shown you nice pics of where we live, no hint of 'Stuff', but there is plenty of it. It's hard to describe it like a pic, so here are a few; Just so you can see what I speak of (and why Poppy was getting so cross at the weekend)!! No solutions expected, just sharing Smile The bottom one is just a sample of stuff at my parent's field. The rest is in the garden, the 5th pic being the 'pond' he had dug....

 

graphic

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

 

My aunt wasn't good today, very unfocussed and vague, repeating actions over, forgetting she had already done them, not knowing how to write a cheque (she's already had her phone cut off bc she didn't pay the bill) Direct debit now set up. I hope she had lunch after I left, she usually has it much earlier. She lives on a property with another lady next door, so she is kept an eye on when I don't go, and my Mum and her other sister see her at least once a week, but I think things are going to come to a head soon, and we'll have to sort out something more permanent and less worrying. She was quite upset that she was so forgetful. Frown

 

I'm going to try the 'because I want you to' tac a bit later with the drum in the hall.

 

I've emailed the Counselling service at Exeter College after phoning them this morning to ask for non-phone contact details. I felt I should get the ball rolling myself, as I doubt Sam would go and make enquiries without something set up for him. I'll wait for reply and let you know.

 

I'll try and get back to my school days later this evening. Nearly 11am chez toi, the best of the day yet to come. Poppy is home in good spirits. She has it fixated that she is fat (far from it) and that she should go on a diet. I was mortified to see that my weight has gained since my meds have increased, and my activity level has decreased, so I said we should just cut out the snacks and eat fruit when she's hungry. Some days I feel like being really good, and others I just can't stop myself from snacking. I've told myself to shop more ruthlessly, and stop making apple crumbles!!

 

Til later

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Oh dear. I do think he may be a hoarder. I am sure you know what hoarding is, and Dave seems to fit the bill. He is collecting items that he does not intend to use and has much trouble discarding them. He does not even seem to consider it.

 

I hope your "because I want you to" statement has some effect. It is worth a try, though he may have many comebacks and may even get upset. But that is not as important as how you feel about this situation.

 

I am sorry to hear your aunt isn't doing well. It is very hard to see people go downhill when you have known them to be independent and active. It is a loss, almost like a death. And making the decision as to when you should move her to a home is difficult. How do you know where to draw the line? I think most people struggle with that decision. I know my mother is ready and the nurse who evaluated her stated she is ready, but my sister is not. She does not want to let go.

 

Poppy fat? Now that is crazy talk! She's beautiful. Healthy eating is always a good idea but people often go up and down in weight. I think your idea is wonderful. Poppy is vulnerable at this point in her life to eating disorders and your way of handling this is very healthy (but don't give up those crumbles! Yum!).

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I can guarantee you will make me smile. Thank you.

Yes, he is a hoarder. I sometimes wish that we didn't have the space that we have, then he wouldn't be able to collect so much stuff. I think it would be so much easier to just have a little garden then I could TELL HIM No More Stuff! As it is he says it's not doing any harm. Most jobs he's been on have ended with a shed load of rubbish- the cupboards in the first pic (which was the stable btw) were from a job down the road. I have forbidden Mark (with joke) to allow him to bring more stuff home, that he mustn't be a party to it! He usually has to help D, he (D) would want to know why on earth M wouldn't help, then he (D) would know there was a conspiracy against him!!! Mark and Paul always joke about it behind his back, but D is the first to criticize my brother for his collection of junk (he has a hoarding problem too, but then so does his wife, so that's OK!!)

Ah, I'm sorry your mum has gone down so fast, it wasn't long ago you were telling me that she had moved into your sister's house. Yes, it must be so hard to make that 'Final' decision about their future, I haven't been faced with it yet, but I know it won't be long. Does your sister live nearby? I feel not too far away since you were helping your mum to move to there.

I've asked Dave to move his drum. It was met with Oh, Yes. But nothing has happened, and he's sitting watching TV. Now we need to wait and see how long I can bear to wait before I have to ask again!

Cooking tea tonight made me think some about growing up. I couldn't cook a thing when I left home. I didn't know how to use a cooker, or about food preparation, apart from scrubbing potatoes, which was my nightly job for years (Never peeled, just scrubbed- we never had mash, chips, jacket spuds, just boiled, in a pressure cooker! Never had pasta, rice, just potatoes, boiled in a pressure cooker!!) Anyway..I remember on occasions asking to cook, help, or at least bake, with mum, but it was always too much bother for her, she didn't want to be held up, us get in the way, she'd rather do it herself, it's easier, save time, no patience to show us anything. Actually I can remember one thing she showed me, but only bc she couldn't bear to stand and stir- I could make a sauce without lumps!!! (Well, not really, I just stirred, she poured...) There were no home economic classes at the Convent, they didn't have the facilities. So when I left home to nanny for 6 months before the start of my Nurse Training, mum said, good, you might learn some how to cook! Well, I had a better idea when I left there, but there was an enormous gap in my culinary abilities. Sam is far more advanced than I ever was, and it wasn't that I didn't want to learn, I was just scared to keep asking.

I have just come back after tea and homework, and I feel most peculiar, heart beating fast, dizzy feeling, nausea, noisy tinnitus, exhausted. I'm just a little concerned bc it came on so quickly; I've looked up Serotonin syndrome, and it doesn't seem to fully fit, though I've been having myoclonus these past few nights, and a little this morning, and I also felt more hyper than in ages. I just wondered bc my meds have been increased, but I'm sure it would have shown itself by now.

I think sleep is in order, will update later tomorrow, I'm with Alexis for the day.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It is difficult to deal with a hoarder. I believe there is a sense of security for someone who saves things when they have no use. Dave could probably use some professional help with his issue, though I can imagine how that suggestion might be met! But you may be able to convince him to move some of the things around to make it more manageable. You could also move things he is not as aware of and get rid of them. He could not possibly keep track of it all.

 

Yes, my sister does live nearby which is truly a blessing. I am glad to have her. We are different personalities but as we get older, we get along better and better. My mother is ok with my sister nearby but the amount of work that goes into caring for her is enormous, so I understand the situation with your aunt very well.

 

It sounds like your mom was much like Dave in her reactions to others needs. Does that sound accurate? Both your mother and Dave are overbearing in their personalities and their insistence that things go their way.

 

I imagine that it would have been wonderful if your mother was open and patient about sharing her skills with you, including in the kitchen. You could have learned about cooking and shared many things together. When I cook with my kids, I talk to them about their days, their dreams, plans for the future and just silly things we think up. I show them how to peel potatoes with our funny shaped peeler or we make a cake. These are things you should have been able to share with your mom. It was a loss you suffered not having that need fulfilled. And your unmet desire has left a gap for you not only in knowing how to cook early on, but the chance to bond and be cared about.

 

I hope you are feeling better than you did earlier. Can you call your doctor to see if this might be a side effect of the increase in meds? Let me know if you continue to feel this way. We can explore other options if you want.

 

Take care, Rose. I'm on the road tomorrow so I will write as soon as possible after I get your post. Sleep well!

 

Kate

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate!

I've been smiling today at my vision of you 'on the road'. riding high in a Trucker's cab, loud music, hooting your horn at fellow truckies, driving alond a highway, not a house or tree in sight! Too many movies (or my memory is failing!

Just poppy and me at home this evening, Dave has taken Sam and 2 friends to a live concert in Bristol (Entershikari?? I've no idea how to spell it!)Dave first told Sam that he would take them, then he said no, take the train, and last night Sam was so angry at him for quoshing his excitement and telling him he wouldn't take him that he punched the fridge. He just couldn't understand why he was such a mean and selfish man. I fear for the hatred the children display towards him sometimes, I can't imagine his feelings (Dave's). I had to MAKE Dave say the words 'I will take you to Bristol when I can have the car' (there was a small problem with me working with Alexis, I don't usually finish til 4.30, and Sam wanted to leave at 3pm. As soon as Dave heard about this little hiccup, then he was straight in with take the train. All I needed to do was phone Alexis and ask if I could leave a little early, no need for such high drama, but there is no stopping it, especially when Sam is in hyper-mode (excitement turned anger)

Anyway, it was a relief when they were 'on the road'! it really really was.

I have skype in 45, I'm feeling like I'm meeting her for the first time over again, I know it will be fine. I'll drop by later,

Rose

ps mother = Dave, accurate (I've drawn comparisons myself)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hello Rose!

 

Haha! Yeah, that was me today in my truck singing the Smoky the Bandit song, honking at all the cars and rolling down the highway! I wish. That movie was fun!

 

Dave is making his children angry with him by being inconsistent. His promises are not kept and Sam (and Poppy) are never sure if they really can feel excited about something. Their emotions are always in question because they cannot rely on Dave. He is putting himself before them and therefore causing the children's needs (for a reliable father and a father that cares) to be unmet. Sam was disappointed and had every right to be. His father's behavior is dysfunctional. It causes Sam (and Poppy) to feel uncared for and unimportant. Dave's feelings, thoughts and desires take precedence over their needs and desires. Sam feels powerless, angry, and resentful because he feels he cannot depend on what his father says. And there is no good reason Dave chooses to have him take the train. He obviously does it because he has no desire to be there for Sam or otherwise Dave would have tried his best to work it out, just like you did. And Sam picks that up message from him and feels he is not worthy.

 

Do you think it may have an effect on Dave to point this out to him? I know he tends to block these types of things out since he is generally thinking of himself, but even if some of it sinks in, it might make some difference. Let me know what you think.

 

It has been a bit since you met with K. But I think it will be easier than you think. Let me know how it goes. I am home from "the road" so I'm here the rest of the night!

 

Kate

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
:) See you later
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

SmileTalk to you then!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
hi Kate,

long long talk. headache now :(. I'm fine, just done,

talk tomorrow?

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Sounds good. Sleep well. I hope you feel better!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Wow, still on line? I hope you stopped for some breakfast, and lunch (well maybe soon)! I guess your kids will be on Autumn half term next week, P and S have a week too.

My session with K was OK, we had a lot to talk about kids, Drs, jobs, we even went over 2 hours.

I am really not too bright today, wish I could put my mind to writing, it's just too fuzzy to concentrate. I'm even going to skip dinner once it's prepared, need to lie down a while. But I want to be with you, what can we talk about that doesn't need too much work? Maybe you'll be signing off soon, so don't worry, just say hi, and I'll try to put something together for later.......

Rose



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi Rose! Good to hear from you.

 

I think this JA system sometimes doesn't know who is online! I was off line doing something else when I got your post. But I wanted to chat with you so I signed back on.

 

Our schools don't have any breaks yet. We started late so I think the next break we get is Thanksgiving next month. It seems far away but time is flying by so it will be here soon. It's good that Sam and Poppy get a break. I think it helps the kids feel less pressure.

 

It sounds like your session with K was pretty intense. I hope you were able to get something good from it.

 

Don't worry about searching for something to talk about. We can just chat until you feel you are ready. Plus we did some pretty intense work this past week. You have been going through so much with Dave and trying to change things. That is a lot right there. When you feel you have something that you need to talk about then we'll work Smile!

 

Get some rest and I'll check back later to see if you wrote.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ok thank you Kate.

I'm feeling more down than I realised, just lying here crying. I didn't know I felt like this today, nothing specific, nothing happened, apart from feeling unwell. Hey ho. I should be helping Poppy with her science revision, but she'll have to manage alone, or do it tomorrow. D is out.

I'll sleep I think. thanks for popping back on, I knew you were off when I posted, but you were on when I started! Big Brother is watching you (sorry, no not really, I just like to know if you are on line when I write, that's all :))

Maybe catch you later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I am sorry you are feeling so down. My therapeutic guess would be something you talked about with K? Or maybe something you are working on emotionally?

 

No problem with you knowing when I'm on. It helps us communicate better and stay in touch more often.

 

I hope you get some good rest and feel better.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,
Hope you are ok? Today I've had the longest haul lunch ever, with Cathy, lots of toing and froing before we even got going, and more on the way back! 4.5 hours is going it a bit, I just wanted to be HOME, on my OWN! Too much company, too much. But nice to see her, of course. She was in control bc she drove me, so I mustn't complain.
I wish I felt more together to talk. I hope I will tomorrow. I wrote a letter to my GP that she received today. I told her that Sam was still waiting for his CAMHs appt, and I told her I was having side effects from the Mirtazepine, and should I go back down again. She phoned this evening to say sorry about the referral, that she'd phoned them and given them a rollicking! So an appt is in the post. And she phoned my psych, said she had a long chat (oh dear)and my meds are reduced. I'm trying to be better, feel better, I just can't seem to do it.
Mark came by this morning, I haven't seen him for at least a month. He appeared around the corner while I was putting the wash on, and he scared the life out of me- I really was in a state of shock- do you ever feel like that? I could hardly breath. Just covered my face til I felt OK again. I'm very jumpy. Anyway, he wanted to talk, but I didn't. He wanted to talk about his dad and blame his life’s problems on him, but I didn’t feel up to going there. I showed him the books that you’ve recommended, and lent him the first one, forget it’s name. Then I showed him my photos of st ives- he’s going there next week en famille, and then my poems. I didn’t really enjoy his visit, but let him give me a hug before he left. He said I made him feel better.
Dave mentioned Mark this evening, said he's away next week. I said I know.... how do you know....I saw him this morning..... why.....he came by to get some paperwork.... He is wanting to know the ins and outs of everything i do, what i talked to cathy about, what i was doing yesterday am, i told him took sam to college, cathy dropped in- but i'd just been on the pc when he came home for lunch yesterday, and he said, no, what are you doing on the computer? i said writing a letter... who to...gp....what about... he said i want to know these things, its called communication. i wonder how he would respond if i asked those q’s of him all the time, when he’s been gone from 11am til 9pm, no explanation offered. i really don’t care anymore anyway.
Need you tonight :(
til later
rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I'm doing fine. But you sound upset, and understandably so. Dave is being abusive towards you, demanding control over you again. I hope you felt ok resisting his many questions and inquiries? It sounds like an inquisition!

 

Actually, Dave is wrong. That is not called "communication". It is called abuse. And you are right, he would not tolerate you questioning him in the same way. So what would he say to you if you tried to question him like that? I bet it's nothing like he expects from you.

 

Oh yes, I've had people scare me like you described. My heart beats in my throat and it takes me a good bit to settle down. But I also wonder if you have a little more edge to your fear because of how on edge you live with the abuse you suffer. Dave frequently flies into rages and that has to be very traumatizing, especially if you feel you have no control in the situation. My guess would be that you are suffering from PTSD, just like we talked about at the beginning of our relationship. Abuse victims often suffer from PTSD and it is common to experience a "startle" response to noises, surprises and other sudden things that happen. It usually lessens as you get away from the abuse and can even go away with help and learning ways to calm yourself. What do you think?

 

Do you feel Mark's visit was self serving? I got the impression you were not thrilled to see him at all.

 

It is good news that your doctor was so helpful to you! I am glad you reached out to her and let her know what you needed. It sounds like she was very interested in helping you and is making headway in your (and Sam's) situation. Let me know how the lower dose of medication works out.

 

That is one long lunch! Four hours. I would have been exhausted. Did you feel you could not ask to end it earlier? I think that would have been a very reasonable request. One hour is long enough, even if you have a lot to talk about.

 

I'm here the rest of the night (crazy day, sorry I couldn't respond sooner!). Let me know how you are.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ah Kate, Please don't be sorry! I'm so glad you're not far away. crazy day, oh dear.

I do feel upset tonight, lots of things. No, i wasn't happy to see Mark, I just don't need him at all, not just at the moment, but don't know what to tell him. I agree about the startle response, I have it a lot. Last weekend when P was changing D's sheets and he appeared at the door, couldn't stop myself from exclaiming loudly, I was in a mess for a while.

I have let Poppy down. She has and end of module science test tomorrow. I couldn't help her last night, and felt unable to help her again tonight. I just don't seem to be able to help them anymore. I used to spend hours helping Sam mostly, Poppy a bit, but she has been quite self sufficient. But last night she couldn't get access to the revision website bc her teacher gave them the wrong password, and now she's in tonight she is overwhelmed with what she has to learn, so she isn't attempting any of it, crying that tests are stupid, dad didn't take exams, why should I have to?
I said OK, don't worry, just next time make sure you don't leave it all to the last minute.

Tonight should be my skype night. K emailed me with a physio link soon after 8 pm, said she hoped I was doing OK. I thought I was doing OK, but that tripped me up. Too much today, I feel sick, so unsettled, can't catch up with myself and calm me down.

Cathy wanted to drive to town for lunch. It took and hour to get there! No more bc we had to pick up her daughter. 2 hours for lunch (Italian pasta) further dawdling, another long drive to her house to get my car, all the while I'm getting tense and stressed bc it's all taking sooo long, and I wanted out (I felt bad)

I didn't like being questioned so closely by Dave, he thinks he should know, it all. But thank you for pointing out it's not right. No, the answer I would get is none of your business, or don't be such a nosey cow, or, F*** off and give me a break.

Now Sam, I've just picked him up from work (10.30) wants me to help him change his sheets..... aaaaahhhhhhh

I need to settle down

Rose



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I am sorry Rose. You are the person everyone turns to for everything. You are not supposed to be alone with these responsibilities. Dave is to be your partner and help you with the kids homework and household chores. But instead he bails and leaves you stuck. And by now the kids have learned to not bother Dave because he either yells or ignores their needs. More abuse of you.

 

I cannot believe Dave feels justified to talk to you the way he does if you inquire about his activities. Wow, that is demeaning. He certainly feels free to dish it out, but not accepting of it when it comes back his way. Hmmmm.

 

I am wondering if you are feeling unsettled because of the changes you are making lately. You have reduced your therapy with K, been talking and reaching out more, and looking at some very deep feelings. What do you think?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate, you are right, lots of changes, trying to MAKE lots of changes, trying to feel better. I have a back physio appt for 4 weeks. K says she wants me to see someone SOONER. That's why she sent me the physio link, they have a hydrotherapy pool, use massage and acupuncture, and they can give you a next day appointment. But it's expensive. Just another decision to make, and it might get muddled with my other physio appt which is on the NHS.

And I've been emailing work, they want me to see Occupational Health, AND I have to have a post sick leave interview. Everything is so scary, I have been avoiding their phonecalls, somehow know when it's them on the phone, they leave a message. I've asked for them to keep contact to emails bc I'm not up to phonecalls. I won't hold myself together for the interview, I know there is no way that I will, then they will know.

I feel in such a coiled state tonight I know I shall never sleep. I dropped my Mirtazepine down last night and am glad to say I had less myoclonus- they have been quite violent, and bizarre.


I shall read my book, I've managed a few more chapters this morning- the chapters are short and manageable, for which I am glad.

Thank you for your time. Have you fed the kids? :)

Good night Kate, have a nice evening

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It must be very hard to struggle with your appointment being so far away, but knowing that you could have one tomorrow if not for the expense makes for a difficult choice. Health care is very unfair and it makes people suffer with bad choices just to get better. Let me know what you decide to do, and if you need help sorting it out, I'm here for you.

 

You would be able to hold yourself together for your interview. One step at a time. One day at a time. All things can be dealt with that way. It may be scary and not much will change that, but taking it slow makes it easier. Can I help in any way? Maybe if we talk about coping mechanisms, such as marbles in a pocket!

 

Ok, I had to look up myoclonus. That does not sound like fun. How long have you suffered with this?

 

How about some relaxation exercises to help you? There is one I like a lot. Go from the top of your head to your toes. Starting with your scalp, tense each muscle group, count 5 seconds then let them loose. Also, listen to soothing music or something that calms you. I sometimes listen to baseball games on the radio. They bore me to tears and the monotone talking of the announcers makes me sleepy! It also occupies my mind so I do not focus on things I need to do from the day. There are ways to calm yourself so sleep does come easier. We just need to find what works for you.

 

I did get the kids fed, but it was not an easy task tonight! Some nights are just like that. Dinner was on the fly tonight but the kids don't mind.

 

Have a good night Rose! I hope you sleep better than you expect and tomorrow is a better day.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
you are so sweet Kate, thank you.

I will have a go at relaxing like you suggest, top of head to tip of toes! I hope i can wake in time to get sam up... i'll let you know how long it takes me :) you'll have to send me a baseball game- we don't play it here- not too exciting by all accounts?!

sleepy now

rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I hope you are sleeping deeply right now!

 

Here is a link to an online baseball game. Save it for when you can get some shut eye:

 

http://tunein.com/radio/Major-League-Baseball-c16230079/

 

Have fun!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Morning Kate....

Thanks so much for the baseball link- I was joking, but I'll look forward to checking it out!! I'm so glad to have you in my life, you brighten my day and give me a focus.

Sleep wasn't SO evasive last night, nicely relaxed (that was just what I needed after feeling so tensed up) just a lot later than my usual. Up in time for Sam. I'm having a very quiet day today, but I might walk the dogs later. I'll be back for chat... I hope I didn't get in the way of family needs last night. Glad I could talk.

Rose
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Darn it, can't edit! Was going to add about my nightly jerks! I've been having them for a few months, mostly as I am about to drop off, which is mightily annoying given the lengths I have to go to to get to that point! I'm not sure if they first appeared when my Mirtazepine first went up in August, but they were less frequent then. Last week, or was it the week before, when my GP put it up again, they came nightly, or whenever I tried to rest. Then I was getting them during the day too when I was sitting but not trying to sleep. But I have had 2 days/nights without- I reduced the Mirt before I asked my GP, so that is hopefully that. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the smile this morning- I knew you were just kidding around about the baseball but I thought you might enjoy giving it a whirl just to see how fast you would fall asleep. As you can tell, I'm not much of a baseball fan!

 

Of course you didn't bother anything last night. I enjoy talking with you anytime!

 

I am glad you got sleep last night. It makes a world of difference when you can face the day not feeling foggy and tired.

 

Thanks for the explanation about the nightly jerks. I want to look more into it, since I am not as familiar with medical issues. Do you feel they could be affected by your emotional state?

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate,
I am exhausted from crying. I know I am so alone when I feel I need a hug real bad and I can't have one. I am crying with frustration, with trying to cope alone, another stressful time. The Shetland is lame, more than lame, won't move. I have been trying to get my farrier since Saturday, when She was first lame. I left 2 messages (they never answer the phone) Yesterday I had a call to say he is on holiday for 2 weeks, and was given 3 other contacts. I've left urgent messages on them all. I had a reply, sorry, I'm going away tomorrow, another, sorry can't help til middle of next week, you don't need a farrier, you need a vet, ....... I know I do, but I need a farrier too,................ sorry I'm busy .
I phoned the vet, she needs some painkillers. I couldn't talk through the tears. She said do I want her put down, ............ I just don't know, I need someone to tell me what to do, she is poorly all the time, she has a rotten time, either lame with laminitis or stuck inside 24/7. They will be out later.
Dave is no help. He said the other day to get rid of them, he doesn't want them. I talked to Poppy about it, she loves her pony, won't see him go.
Sorry, I needed to talk. I can't cope with things anymore. I wanted a quiet day but now it's gone.
Talk later
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I'm sorry I was not here when you posted.

 

That is a horrible thing to have to decide on your own. I can understand your sorrow. I wish I could be closer to provide comfort to you. This is a difficult time.

 

If you could have the vet look at her and see what she thinks, that may help a lot. I have had to put down many pets and my rule is always, is their quality of life good enough that they are not suffering if they live? If my vet tells me my pet is suffering, then I let them go. If not, I stay close and keep an eye on them. You never want to have to let them go but it is better than letting them suffer.

 

It is because you care so much that this is so painful. Those animals have a good life with you, Rose. You are caring and tender with them. And they know it.

 

Let me know how you are doing. I will stay by my computer in case you write back.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate. I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to you. You are so kind to reply so soon. I keep thinking about her quality of life. It is so sad, she is still young, only 12. I wish she could run and be free like her companion. She has been so hard to manage.
Thank you Kate,
Talk later
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I am glad to be here for you.

 

Sometimes that happens with an animal. I had to decide to put down a cat once because of severe behavior problems. She was 9 years old. It's not easy but even if she is young, if she is suffering, it's not worth it for her.

 

Let me know how it goes today,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate

I'm glad it's getting late.

The vet came quite soon, I didn't have to wait too long. We talked about how I'd been managing her laminitis, and how there is damage to her pedal bone from chronic suffering. She was given an IV painkiller that will last for 24 hours, then I have to give her doses for a few days in her feed. After the vet left I did what I could on my own to prepare the barn for her to be confined away from the grass. She hates being shut away. I made her a bed with what I could find, wood shavings, old hay, and rigged up a gate of sorts. The stable at our house is now Dave's junk room, as you know! The stable at my parents field is...... guess what...... Dave's dump room. But I managed to clear enough space for her, she doesn't need much. She still wouldn't move when I'd got everything sorted, so I went home to find Dave- he'd just arrived home- (a miracle I thought, Fri night and no pub, then I remembered he was out later) So between us we cajoled, pushed, pulled, almost carried her to begin with, but when she realised it didn't hurt her she walked quite well. Poppy's pony, who was behind another fence, was going nuts- couldn't see her friend, but they were calling to each other. I opened his fence and he ran to find her. We must do all we can to keep her going. The vet wants me to phone in a progress report on Monday.

So I feel relieved. But more expense. I usually manage her myself, but I was so upset that I couldn't get a farrier it was what I had to do. The last farrier I spoke to was so unhelpful I just couldn't contain my frustration, and I got into one of my muddles.

Sam has a gathering of 6 upstairs, they're playing scrabble!! I am impressed :) But I am out of the way in my little room with the dogs beside me. I just taken a deep sigh, and am beginning to relax at last.

Myoclonic jerks.... mmm, not sure about the connection between emotional state and their frequency. But I have noticed them a lot more over the last 6 weeks or so, since I had my last drug increase. I asked a Q on JA a few days ago. This is my Q and A:

Q. Often (nightly) when I try to fall asleep my arm/leg/head/any combination at once, will jump violently with out any conscious use of my muscles. I work hard to be relaxed so that sleep will come easily, but this phenomena undoes all my hard work, even if I have listened to my hypnosis recording. Any suggestions as to why, and how to deal with it please.
A.Hello. It sounds as if you may be having what are known as myoclonic jerks (or "sleep starts") during the night. Myoclonic jerks, sometimes referred to as muscle twitches, are typically isolated occurrences (not repeated actions such as might be seen with tics, a similar involuntary movement disorder).They are entirely involuntary and cannot be controlled or suppressed, as you have discovered! As the other expert has mentioned, stress and sleep deprivation seem to play a role in both the occurrence and severity of such involuntary motor events.

Most of the time, myoclonic jerks do not require treatment and resolve or go away for some time on their own. In persistent cases, treatment is aimed at easing myoclonus symptoms, especially when they're disabling.

If diazepam (or clonazepam) is ineffective, drugs used to control epileptic seizures may prove helpful in reducing myoclonus symptoms. The most common anticonvulsants used for myoclonus are levetiracetam (Keppra), valproic acid (Depakene) and primidone (Mysoline).

Botulinum toxin type A (Botox) injections may be helpful in treating various forms of myoclonus, particularly if only a single area is affected. Botulinum toxins block the release of a chemical messenger that triggers muscle contractions.

If your myoclonus symptoms are caused by a tumor or lesion in your brain or spinal cord, surgery may be an option. Deep brain stimulation has also been tried in some people with inherited disorders that are hard to treat.

See your doc and have possible organic causes ruled out. Then consider the above options. Hope this is helpful to you. Good luck getting a handle on this and gettin some good sleep! :-)

So then I looked up Serotonin Syndrome the other night when I told you I wasn't feeling too good, and found there is a link between these jerks and SSRI/SNRIs. Anyway, plenty to be found on google.

Thanks again Kate. I really did want to talk to you on the phone earlier, it was all I could think about for a while.

I was planning on watching a dvd, picked up 10 from the local shop who were selling them off for £1 each, they're old, but I haven't seen many films, so they'll be worth it. Only trouble is I have to watch them on a screen that is even smaller than my netbook!

Til later, maybe, if not, tomorrow,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, thanks for letting me know an update about your Shetland. It's good to hear that she is resting more comfortably. And that Dave helped you. Wow, that is good!

 

Expenses with pets are tough. It's hard to face those bills. But you are doing what you can for her.

 

It sounds like you got a good answer from your Just Answer question. The doctor seemed very thorough with the answer. What do you think you might try next if the symptoms continue?

 

I am sorry we could not talk by phone. But it sounds like you handled the situation so well. You coped and responded well to the stress. You resolved the problem and came up with a great answer. I think that you have good coping skills, better than you think you do.

 

All those years you have had to manage with running the household, dealing with Dave's behavior and working outside the home. That is a lot, more than most people deal with on a daily basis. You have friends, are well liked at work and are raising two great kids in the mist of a very stressful situation. Take some time to give yourself credit. Not many people could do what you do. And you also show incredible strength in reaching out for support and for help with improving yourself. That shows you have very good coping skills.

 

Tell me about what you end up watching tonight. Movies are a great way to escape and get some good downtime. I hope you are having fun!

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello Kate,

My goodness it is getting late. the children have kept me on my toes today! After the orchestra run, and grocery shopping, Sam wanted me to take him for a drive. He had his gf with him, I think he wanted to show off a little bit. We had a few back and forths in the hall carpark, then he wanted to drive on the road, first time! It was fairly hair-raising I must say, and I was fidgety in my seat. His gf, who has had many driving lessons, but doesn't seem too confident by the sounds of it, was a terrible backseat driver, and with me saying brake, clutch, watch the hedge, not so fast, he was gatting hot under the collar (understatement!) He was just about to pull over and swap so I could drive the country lane home, when my brother came fast around a bend, and completely threw Sam, he braked and then couldn't get going again, my brother watching, a car behind- he said I can't do it and went to pieces after stalling. I had to tell him how well he had done over and over, he was so cross, wound up. I'll be glad when he's had his first lesson this week!

When I got home Poppy was having a major clear-out from under her bed. She plans great things for her room this half term holiday, and has got off to a good start. 2 big bags of stuff for the charity shop, and lots of space in her room! The kids and I took the stuff to town, then bought some paint for Poppy's room. She wants 2 small walls in a dark pink/purple, and the other 2 a creamy colour. She's going to sponge her wardrobe doors, which are blue, with the pink too. Mmm! Then I guess Mum will need to make some new curtains :)

While P was clearing out her drawers, she came across a bag with her collection of marbeles, which I now have. I gathered all the red and blue marbles different shades patterns and sizes, and have put them in a lovely red dish. They look lovely together in there, there are many more blue marbles than red, so the red dish is perfect.

And P has given me her CD played, so now I can have my own music in my room too. :) The DVD session wasn't very successful last night, the little machine (my parents mini, I mean miniscule, portable dvd player) kept stopping, so I only watched half of it- '2 Weeks Notice' with Hugh Grant, :), and Sandra Bullock. I've seen it before, had forgotten though. I had a look in the Charity shop for a TV with integral DVD, but there were none, loads of TVs though. I may get a little TV from there anyway, and see if there is another DVD player upstairs somewhere- again, we have so many pieces of machinery cluttering up the window sill behind the TV I've no idea what he has there- apart from 3 surplus record players! Hey, talking of clutter, I moved one of his drums out to his junk room, and the foot pedals of an organ (full keyboard) that has just been left gathering dust upstairs. The organ unfortunately remains- no-one has ever played it- we have a piano! So that looks a little better. But the base drum in the hall stays where it is, but then again I've only asked him once!

Snowberry the Shetland is comfy in her stable, resigned to another long haul behind bars. She's amazing about it considering she has to be in there for weeks on end, though it's always trouble getting her in there in the first place.

Haven't seen much of D today, so all has been quiet. He's now down the road, so it's very quiet with Sam at work and Poppy on Face book.

Yes, it was a good answer re the involuntary nocturnal dance routine! Bill answered me first off and suggested it was Restless Leg Syndrome, but as I also suffer with that I knew otherwise, so I relisted. I don't know what I'll do about it next, I guess I'd have to tell my long suffering (or is that me?) GP, something else to add to my tales of woe. Maybe I won't tell her. But I don't think I'll opt for Botox, or any epileptic drugs and I hope I don't have a brain tumour!! Maybe a little diazepam now and again won't hurt (I had to have some last night :( couldn't sleep at all and was so restless)

I know we can't talk for real.I thought of phoning friends here, but nothing was as comforting as thinking of talking to you. I wasn't quite aware of how stressed, frustrated and alone I felt til I got through to the vets receptionist. After only a few words I became incoherent, but she realised how upset I was, and she was very kind to me, told me to take my time, and said they would contact a vet to come over soon. I said to Dave about her that evening, and sadly he had been aware of her difficulties the day before when he'd taken some water over, but didn't tell me she needed attention.

Thank you for telling me that I'm coping well, you're right, I probably do better than I think. I wonder sometimes if I am justified in feeling so stressed and ragged, but I guess there is plenty here to make me feel that way.

I might try out my CD player now, have a listen to Michael Buble, the last CD I had 2 Christmases ago. Haven't listened to it for an absolute age. Sam and his Jazz Orchestra play a couple of his numbers, they are COOL.

Hope you're having a good weekend. Hope your Mum is doing OK

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thanks Rose! Your update was wonderful. It really gave me a good idea of all the things you are dealing with at one time. Whew, I was tired just reading about it all. I do think that you are quite justified in feeling so stressed. I, for one, am amazed at how you handle all of it and not have much worse issues than you deal with. You cope very well. Just dealing with Dave alone would provide enough stress for someone to cope with.

 

Here is what you are dealing with:

 

Teaching your son how to drive

Cleaning out Dave's mess or finding acceptable ways (to Dave) to cope with it all

Running your home without help

Caring for a sick Shetland

Supporting Poppy in her big clean out and fixing up her room

Feeling poorly with Fibro and involuntary muscle twitches.

Working outside the home

 

Looking at that list, I see a very strong woman who is coping with no help and handling it all. Where you get your strength I don't know. But you do much better than many people I know.

 

It would be great if we lived close by each other and could talk. But you know I am here. I will write as often as you need and stay with you as long as I can whenever you feel you need it. You just need to let me know.

 

It sounds like you are setting up quite a space for yourself! All those goodies to play with. It is so good to hear that you are enjoying yourself. I think I have seen 2 weeks notice but I'm not sure. I do like Sandra Bullock a lot. She seems very sweet and endearing.

 

My mom is doing better. My brother is finally home to help care for her so now there is three of us. Between us all, she is getting the attention she needs. Thank you for askingSmile!

 

Sam will catch on with his driving. It is always so scary the first few times you go. I think even more so for Moms!

 

Take care Rose. I hope tonight is quiet for you and you get some rest.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate, what a lovely post. I'm so glad your Mum is doing OK. It certainly helps to spread the care, so hopefully she can stay at home for the time being. I'm glad too that you enjoy sharing in my toing and froing, there will be plenty of that this week with the holiday. I hope you've some good things planned for your Autumn break. Our weather is still good, no rain in ages, but it has turned rather cold quickly.

I looked through Dave's hundreds of CDs and gathered a few that I know I like, and found M.B., but alas, no CD in its case. He has a pile of loose CDs, and it wasn't there either :( That is the only CD that I can call my own, and I don't know where it is. So I've listened to a Celtic compilation, soothing and gentle, crystal clear instruments and beautiful voices.

I'm waiting for Sam to ring to be collected from work, but I'd rather be asleep, I'm quite worn out. Your list helped me realise that I am a busy bee, and I have to confess my concern about my health at the moment, I wish I could be on top of it.

Sam got a lift, just through the door. Hooray!

Goodnight Kate. Thank you for being there, I love talking with you :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, I wish I did have an Autumn break but there is none for us! The next one is Thanksgiving, about the third week of November. Just a few off days here and there for elections and teacher's inservice days. But nothing significant until Christmas.

 

I am sorry that Dave did not take care of your CD. That is very discouraging, not surprising, but discouraging. Michael Buble and Celtic music are both wonderful to listen to. I hope you can get a replacement CD at least.

 

Good night, Rose. I always want to be here for you, as long as you need me!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello my dear Kate,

I hope you're having a lovely Sunday with you family- I'm sorry you don't have a week off! I just assumed you would be since K's daughter has the week off- must be a state thing- the dates of our school holidays vary across the UK from one county to the next. Roll on Thanksgiving?!

Well P and I have been busy; we have Spring cleaned (whoops- Autumn cleaned)her room and emptied it of most things, all posters and stickers off the wall, and a coat of paint on one end wall. She was very excited with the colour to begin with, but when D told her it would make her room seem smaller (thanks D) she began to have her doubts, I told her I loved it, and when she has her curtains up and bits and pieces hanging around it would be fab. She remained doubtful, so I told her about sponging, and if we sponged on a lighter colour (she suggested cream) over it would be much lighter. So she is keen to give it a try, and she has painted a large piece of paper the wall colour, and will practice sponging tomorrow! Oh, and we listened to Mika all afternoon, quite fun, but overdone now. :)

Typically D decided to empty his room of stuff just as we were filling the hall with all P's stuff. Great timing! He was going to have a look at the 'fungal' growth behind the bed, but didn't get that far. But he found the DVD player under the bed and left it on the window seat. I took it into my room to see if it worked. He wondered what I wanted it for, I said to watch DVDs of course. You can't without a TV.....Duh... I'm going to get a little TV.... So you're planning on staying in here then are you? ... I wonder how many more hints he wants!!

I'll try to get back to my schooldays tomorrow, I'm more than ready for sleep tonight!

Goodnight Kate

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose, you had quite a busy day today! Painting is no small job and with Dave and the wrenches he throws in, it can be even more stressful.

 

I am not surprised Dave decided to clean out his room at the same time. His behavior is quite predicable and his denial quite strong.

 

I hope you get some good sleep! Have a good night and I'll talk with you tomorrow,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Today the weather is ghastly! pouring with rain and blustery wind to turn our umbrella inside out!- Poppy was tickled to giggles! (don't agree with tickling, but in the non-touch sense of the word! What do you think of tickling- Dave lays it on Poppy sometimes when he's high, but I say leave her- she might giggle, but she has no choice but to giggle and accept. Last time I asked him to leave her alone he got in such a rage that the tele was nearly smashed up- lots more to the situation than tickles, but that's how it started!!)

Just going to go back to yesterday for a minute or two, I've been puzzling. As you know, Dave moved lots of stuff out of his room into the hall, and moved the bed out so that he could get behinbd to see the 'growth' on the wall. He vacuumed (this is a rubbish vac, is this all we've got?!!) and then Sam called to be collected from work, so he went to pick him up. On the way home Sam asked D if he could put up a couple of shelves in his room that we had bought the day before. D said no, he wanted to go to the store to get some paint for the job tomorrow. Sam said it closes in 20 mins, he said I'll be fine. Sam came in angry bc D had refused to put up his shelves, had said he would do them after work one day this week. Sam knew this would never happen, so he was upset that he'd have to wait for at least another week. D came home after a short while and came straight in the house and P's room, holding out a bunch of flowers in front of him. No smile on his face, no words with the gesture, just stared at me, holding them out for me to take. I had a roller in one hand and a paintbrush in the other. I said... flowers, they're lovely, thank you very much... Poppy said .. she can't take them now Dad... so he took them upstairs and put them in a vase. Later I said that you again and how lovely they were, but wondering what the gesture meant. He did nothing further with his room (it's impossible to move in there, he can't access his cupboard), and left everything in the hall. He took delivery of a PA system for a recording session he is part of today, and that too is in the hall, and then went out as usual. Today he went back to the store...I thought you were going to get the paint yesterday....The store had just shut when I arrived...but I bought a bunch a flowers instead. So today he's getting that paint, but isn't working otherwise, just out somewhere. He'll be home soon, and will tell me it's taken him all day to do this and that, and couldn't do any work anyway bc it's wet wet wet. He should have been at a dentist appt this morning which he made himself 10 days ago. He missed it (he doesn't know yet, I just picked up his card for the phone number for myself, and there it is for this am.)That'll cost him £60 for just not going. The banks are bare, and I'm getting fed up. I shouldn't speak up (bc he doesn't like it), but I will, I'm banging my head here.

Mmmm, that's a long paragraph.

Be back later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

I believe tickling is fine as long as the intention is to have fun and it's not done in a mean way. Dave's way of tickling is intrusive and meant to control, and not for the other person's benefit. So I can understand your aversion to it if that is how he uses it.

 

It sounds like the flowers was Dave's way of "trying" with you. Although he does try, he is unable to pair the feelings with the gesture (past abuse issues for him maybe?), and he doesn't follow through with anything else, such as taking care of Sam, cleaning his mess out of the hall, or paying attention to any other needs of the family which would validate what he did. So even though the flowers are a nice gesture, he does not give them any meaning to back them up. If he indeed feels tender and loving feelings about you, then he is unable to sustain them for long before his own needs take precedence again.

 

Dave needs to recognize that he has a problem and be willing to get help before any real change can take place. You and I have both talked about that before and concluded that until that happens, real change is out of reach for Dave. So the only way to resolve his behavior is for you to react to it by protecting yourself. Speaking up is a good idea. Standing up for your rights is healthy for you. Dave may not react well, but that is not the important part here. He is not holding up his end and you are basically the only responsible person in the situation. At this point, you could live on your own and do just as well if not better. So taking control of what you can will help you feel less frustrated and take you one step closer to getting out from under Dave's problems.

 

Have you thought any more about separating your accounts at the bank? That might be the best response to this problem. Otherwise, Dave's actions are going to drag you down with him. You deserve to be protected from his destructiveness. Seeing yourself as worthy of taking an action like this is important. You do deserve the peace of mind and the control that comes with protecting yourself. And Dave may be able to teach you a bit of a lesson here. Borrow some of his self centerness to motivate you to make a move. In this situation, think about yourself first instead of Dave and his actions.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate

I agree with you totally about the tickling. Thank you.

D never buys me flowers. It feels that he didn't want to have driven all the way to the store having been told by his son that he wouldn't get there in time, and not have something to show for his trip when he is proved wrong, got the flowers so that I'm not able to say 'wasted journey' (as if I'd dare.) doesn't want me to speak up. Just the feeling I got, maybe wrong. It was the challenging look on his face when he was holding them out to me, I couldn't quite 'get' what they meant, apart from 'you've got flowers, just keep quiet.'

I do have a separate bank account, and all my income and personal spending comes from it. But I don't take from the business account, and I pay for everything for the household and car except the rates, electric, insurance and water. I'm not too sure how I should improve on the way the accounts are run, D takes from the business for his personal spending, (he has his own account which I have access to for management purposes) but he has no other financial responsibilities as I sort the business account, and transfer him money when he needs it. It's a double edged sword, I see his account getting redder and redder, and the charges getting bigger and bigger, and I think that's still damaging me in the long run, bc as long as I'm with him, the money is shared. Looking today I feel I could do just as well without him on my income and benefits. He really doesn't see round the corner, and thinks that we will be together forever, since I said I wasn't going anywhere the other week- We were talking about solar panels the other day, and I said the trouble with getting them 'free' is that there is potential problems with selling your property in the future bc you don't own the panels. He said we won't ever be selling the barn, so no problem. I think we will be selling up, so yes problem, but didn't say so.

How did I get to be so boring today?!!

Rose


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Your feeling about Dave's reasoning with the flowers sounds very accurate. You know him and his behavior, so your view is going to be right. It's just a very sad and self centered way to act towards you. I could not help but feel that it would have been so nice for you to get flowers because he cared.

 

Does Dave run the business or are you partners? If Dave runs the business alone, then you may want to take your name off the account and hand him the papers to handle himself. That is the only way to improve the overwhelming job you are already doing. That way, you have less responsibility for Dave's actions and you can start the process of detangling yourself from Dave's life. It will make it easier for you in the long run. What do you think?

 

I am not surprised Dave doesn't see the writing on the wall regarding the condition of the marriage. It is the nature of someone who sees only what they want to see. But he may also not want to acknowledge what he sees. You have shown signs of wanting to be away from him. Your separate room, going away by yourself on vacation, saying things to him more frequently about his behavior, etc. He may be able to excuse your behavior in his mind by thinking that you are going through a stage or that your behavior is a fluke. Denial is a very strong component of someone who lives in a self centered way. It is also very strong with someone who is alcoholic. Either way, Dave may be using his defenses to see what you are doing as non threatening to him. Holding your actions at arms length is a way to maintain the life he wants without having to give something of himself to others, or to have to be responsible.

 

Boring? Rose, I am never bored talking with you. Each thought and feeling you bring up is part of the whole picture of what you are working on. It is your life, and that is never boring. Now if you were citing mathematical facts to me I might drift off (I'm very bad in math!Wink), but other than that, I look forward to your posts each and every time.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate... I'm equally poor at maths, so no chance of me slipping in a trigonometric equation for you to solve, but on the other hand... that does sound quite fun.. :)! Not boring, so glad..

Handing over the business to Dave does sound rather tempting. The only bit of the running of it that he does is:(i) he sometimes attracts clients (ie they phone him and not Mark- he's usually met them at the pub)(ii)He might make a phonecall or two for prices (iii) he might phone the plumber or electrician when he needs them on the job.
Mark attracts most of the work (they don't advertise, most work has been acquaintances or friends of friends). Mark prices the jobs, sets out Estimates, writes the letters, and sets out the terms of payment. Mark bills them, and is usually the point of contact throughout. When Dave works on his own, as he has been for the last few months, he obviously deals with all the phonecalls, and gets the materials etc, but there is no estimate, and there have been no bills recently, despite my asking him to hand write something so that it can be done properly and make the books make sense. It has just been word so far, but he hasn't been writing down any hours, he doesn't know how much to charge for labour (accurately, it is just a guess), but materials are on receipts, so that isn't a problem. I do any paperwork that needs doing that isn't part of Marks corner. I do all the accounts (not Marks)to the point that the accountant can take them over and send it off to the tax office. Dave does NOTHING towards the business side of things, he rarely thinks ahead, takes one day at a time, gets up at 9.30, leisurely breakfast, no hurry, coffee breaks every hour, home for lunch for an hour or more, home by 4.30/5pm (mostly when working without Mark, but Mark is often on the job much earlier than he is). Goes off in the van to get materials, leaves Mark working on the job, takes his time while out, visits the Charity shops, stops for lunch in a cafe or gets a take away (leaves the sandwiches he's made, they go in the bin, or dog)all the while being paid for his time, the clients notice, cause bad vibes.... Although D and M work together they aren't partners, neither am I a partner, but it is a bank account in both our names so that I can manage it and sign the cheques. It is very tempting, but, Kate, he HASN'T GOT A CLUE! I had to tell him how to write a cheque and fill out the form for his van insurance the other day. That was something that I deliberately left for him to deal with, kept moving it to a place where he might see it and twig. When I came back from St Ives it was already 4 days overdue, and I asked if he had sorted it. Of course the answer was NO, but I didn't offer to do it for him, and he needed guidance on how to fill the form in and write the cheque...

I know, I know, why, why... how did I get here? In the early years I asked myself that question over and over and I had a really bad time of it, having married him, and knowing that I'd made a big big mistake, what could I do, how could I survive, but I had to, I had MARRIED him. And we don't do divorce in our family, marriage vows are taken very seriously, so I suffered him in silence. It was a bad bad time, but I had to show everyone that it was right, that he was good at this, that we enjoyed that, I had to try to be proud of him, highlight his positive attributes. I'm getting a little worked up with these thoughts, I will draw the line there.

I'm with Alexis tomorrow, I catch up with you in the pm, maybe before skype, maybe after. Have a good day,

Rose



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I think your question is an excellent one. How did you get to this point? That is the crux of the issue and the answer to how you get out. If I were sitting with you when you said this, I would encourage you to stay with the feelings, even though you feel you are getting worked up. Confronting these feelings is going to help you move to the next stage of your exit from this abusive relationship.

 

There are a number of reasons women stay in abusive relationships. One is the pressure of social norms and family. Much is expected of women, especially in families where divorce is made unacceptable. When the institution of marriage becomes more important than personal safety, this forces women to stay in a marriage that is harmful and demeaning. It puts blame on a woman who leaves to protect herself. It makes it her fault and her responsibility if the marriage does not work out. This is an unfair judgment and a potentially harmful one, because it sets families up for perpetuating abuse generation after generation.

 

Another reason is fear. This is a big one for most people. Leaving someone means they will be alone. Who wants to end a marriage where at least there is someone else there even if they are abusive, just to be alone? It sounds scary and unsettling. What if I can't do it? What if I am too lonely? And the potential for the abusive partner to make life difficult is high. They are already causing upheaval, wouldn't it be much worse if I left? Better I stay. At least I know what to expect and don't have to face an unknown situation. And what if he comes after me? If I stay, then he will not hurt me.

 

Dependency also ties into fear. I am not worthy now, how would I be able to handle being on my own? No one would help me and I cannot handle it all myself. Who am I to leave? He may be mean, but at least he is here. I have what I need. I don't need more than this. If I leave, others will think badly of me. They will think it was my fault and I failed. And he will blame me too. And since I am a nobody, they will believe him.

 

These are some reasons women stay. Not all apply to you and your situation. But some might. That is why it is so important to build your self esteem and realize you are more than what you believe you are right now. You do not deserve to live like you do, no matter what Dave says, your family says, or anyone else. This is your life, not theirs. They do not have to live it. You do. You are an adult and you do have choices. It's just a matter of believing that you can take the steps to make those choices.

 

You are already moving to a more healthy viewpoint of your relationship. You know you are being abused, you are taking steps to be more independent and you are working on yourself. It's just a matter of time before you reach your goal.

 

A good example is doing Dave's business account. Dave doesn't need to have a clue. He has the perfect setup. He has Mark doing the work, and you doing the accounts. He doesn't have to be responsible- the theme of Dave's life. He manipulates until he gets his way. And since he doesn't bear the consequences of his behavior, then he can continue as he is. Who bears the consequences? You and Mark. Is that fair? And how did the situation get this way in the first place? What happens when you and Mark decide your no longer holding Dave up? Many people get through life struggling to understand things like business accounts. They search for answers and ask for help. But Dave doesn't need to do this. It is not that he doesn't have a clue. He does. He just doesn't need to. I bet if you stopped Dave would figure it all out on his own. Or he would fail. But at least it would finally make him face consequences which might motivate him to change. Otherwise, there is no need for him to change. He will be this way as long as he can manipulate to get his way.

 

It's good you are talking about how you feel with this situation. This is good stuff you're doing, Rose.

 

I hope you have a good Skype session with K. You mentioned that you sometimes feel anxious about talking. Take it easy and slow. No pressure. Be good to yourself. You are a wonderful person who is strong and intelligent. Remember that.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ah Kate,

You hold me up. Thank you for your post that is full of truths and encouragement. Most of those reasons for staying do apply, and I am trying to move past them. In particular I have my parents acceptance that I may not stay in the marriage, and I have to say that this was one of the biggest anchors of all. I so often feel that 'I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it,' he wasn't someone they approved of, but accepted him to please me.... why they couldn't have accepted Tony for me I shall never know, I shall never forget how I felt back then.

I'm in a bit of a muddle tonight. Thank you for your props for my skype session. Yes I was anxious, I so wish I wouldn't be, but I took it slow, I know she is so patient, but I didn't feel either strong or intelligent :). She asked me if I was OK about just one session a week. I said kind of, I need to try a bit longer. It's still open that I can see her again if I need to... I just need to move past the Thurs time slot, then I'm Ok. The muddled bit comes with talk of work. K doesn't feel I'm ready to go back to work, she would like to see me off til January to get my strength up, concentrate on me. I'm feeling unhappy about going back, she knows that, why go to work to be unhappy? I feel terrible that I've already had lots of time off, it's just not me. I might make an appointment with Occupational Health in the next few days, I just been thinking maybe I can drop to 1 day a week, and give my notice. But then £ start to worry me. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Goodnight Kate,

Rose :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're so welcome, Rose. And thanks for the update. I was hoping some of the post was helpful. There is a false belief that situations such as yours are always so straight forward, but the truth is they are more complicated and difficult than most situations.

 

Just based on what you have told me about your parents and your relationship with them, they may not have approved of Dave to please you. I believe from what you have told me about them that their acceptance of Dave may have been more self serving and their rejection of Tony was for the same reasons. Just a thought.

 

Your dilemma is not an easy one with your work situation. I think K has a point. Taking time to sort out yourself and get a new path would be great. But money is an issue too. Reducing your time or finding new employment may have to be a temporary resolution. Let me know how it goes. I am here for support whenever you need it.

 

Have a good night, Rose!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX of every post is helpful, I've no idea where I'd be without you.

My head is spinning with work today; to try to calm it I have made an appointment with the Occupational Health for tomorrow morning. I wondered if I could do one day a week til my contract ends if I can’t bear to take more sick time. I KNOW I need it. I just can’t be in control of the decision bc it makes me feel bad. I know I'll be in a mess for my appointment tomorrow, but I have to go for it.

Dave was a grump this morning, I got him up at 9, but he wasn't too pleased. ‘How was the Dr?’ (K!) Oh fine.... ‘What did you talk about’..... that’s private.....’.Well did you give me a hard time?’... No we didn't talk about you last night, (phew) My body and my job.....’.that’s all I’m asking, that wasn't so hard was it. I hope she’s not costing too much’..... it’s my money...

He’s done 2 hours work today, maybe not even that- he was gone for 2 hours. He left at 10.30, I was with the ponies and dogs when he left. When I got home, I’d left the door open for a few minutes, and when I checked the dogs to make sure they were all in Jack (the old dog ) was missing. I looked everywhere at home for him, I assumed he’d gone out the door, and was wandering about. He is very old, deaf, can hardly see, I was very worried about him. I drove round and round the village looking for him, checked at the shop to see if anyone had reported him to them (I think D took his collar off a while ago, I didn’t know if it was on again) After 1 1/2 hours of looking and worrying, D turned up with Jack in the van with him, said he’d taken him with him, which he Never does. All the time I was out looking for him I was imagining all the horrible things that he would say to me when Jack was killed by a car, or taken to the dog pound. He’s been at home since lunch, tele on. I feel sick, I’m having a can’t stand it day.

He won't take Sam for a drive, so that's what I must do now, before supper. I'll catch you later,

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, what a day. I am so sorry you went through all of that with looking for the dog. What Dave put you through by not telling you what he was doing is awful. In this day and age of cell phones and texting, he could have easily dropped you a quick note and said he had the dog with him.

 

Did you tell him what you had gone through when he got home? Not so Dave would care, but I am thinking that expressing that to him might have helped you relieve some of your stress.

 

In a healthy scenario, Dave should have either informed you or apologized right away for putting you through the fear and anxiety you experienced looking for Jack. If you responded by informing him of your experience and being upset about it, that helps break the cycle Dave has set up of thinking of himself first and you last. It gives you power to stand up for yourself and say Dave's behavior is not acceptable. I realize that this is probably not out of the ordinary for him, but taking a look at how this should have happened compared to what Dave did helps you contrast the two and see that you have a right to feel angry, upset and incredulous at his behavior.

 

Dave should not be interrogating you about your therapy, either. His boundaries are very open and intrusive. He does not seem to respect you as a person and is only interested in you in terms of how it affects him. It would be perfectly fine for you to respond to every question by saying "Sorry, that is not your business." Repeat as necessary. Unless you fear he will strike out at you, you may want to try it. Each step you take to set up boundaries between you and Dave will help you move on when you feel you are ready.

 

What type of contract to you have at work? How long does it go on?

 

Hopefully, they will let you work the minimum amount until your contract is up. Are you still trying for another job or do you want to take a break for a while?

 

I hope your drive with Sam worked out and you are feeling a bit better from earlier today.

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, how do I describe how I feel? All I can say is I WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD it's hurting so much in here, I am in a real state, and I HAVE to cut. I am feeling so ******* screwed up I am only just in control. Or maybe I'm not.

One long long string of stress. I have learnt that D did NO work this am, just drove about for 2 hours? (I don't know, but no work) When he came home with Jack, I said I've been looking all over for him- he just said, I thought I'd have him home before anyone noticed. I was too angry to reply, but wish I had, I just walked away and up to my parents house, vented to them instead. I know that doesn't get to the right person, but they made me a cup of tea and I felt a bit calmer when I left. Nothing more said.

He's been lying on the sofa, apparently not feeling well. I've been attending to dogs, ponies, helped P paint another wall, took Sam driving, got tea, took P to her friends house, typed an estimate for D, bathed a poorly budgie (P's blind albino who was being attacked by the boss male) and settled him in a cage, got the washing in from the machine and hung it up, and guess where D is now? No prizes... I...can't....bear....it... I haven't said anything, nothing to him, it will all come out wrong, angry, upset, he'll be at me for getting at him, but all I can think of is it's so unfair, he saw me struggling with the pile of wet washing through the door, he said I'll get that... I left it on the work top thinking he was going to carry it down the stairs for me, he knows how much I hurt, but all he could do was close the door, then go and sit by the tele again.

Kate, I HATE whining, whingeing, that's what I'm doing, but I have to offload, I am feeling physically ill with the day, coiled up like a spring, hyperventilating, lump in my chest...I know I must tell him how I feel, why can't I? bc he'll get mad at me for having a go, simple as that.

My contract is a fixed term mat leave cover, finishing 4th Jan 2012. I need to find something else. It just makes me so mad when I make such an effort with work, worry about it, and he doesn't. He was asked to replace a slate on my parents roof 3-4 months ago- I mentioned it to them today, and they said no problem, we've got your brother to do it (which is exactly what Dave said they should do last time I asked him to do it) Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm sorry Kate, I want out out out

Rose



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I think your reaction is great! Don't be sorry. You are getting in touch with the anger you hold in constantly. It is what causes you to feel they way you do the rest of the time- Upset, sad, wanting to hurt yourself (like you are to blame), punishing yourself, worthless and small.

 

This is the part of you that is important to keep on the surface. Not that you should walk around angry, but being aware of your anger and knowing that you should be angry about what happened with Dave is good. It is an very appropriate response to what you go through with Dave's actions and behaviors.

 

You do not need to punish yourself for feeling upset and angry about Dave and your situation. This is not about something you have done. This is totally about Dave. If Dave chose to act normally and treat you with respect, like he should, then you would not need to feel the way you do. You would be supported, loved and cared for. He would be there for you, able to carry the clothes because he cares that you hurt. You would see him going to work to help support the family because they matter first. He would be painting Poppy's room, taking Sam where he needs to go, and helping you fix up your home. That is normal, caring behavior. But that is the opposite of what Dave does. And you reacting by being upset and wanting out is perfectly normal.

 

I know you are aware of what should be normal in a relationship. But reminding yourself on a daily basis that what you live with is abnormal and remembering what it should be like will help you gain strength to get yourself out.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Just saying Hi. Can't write today, not good. :(

Til tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

That is ok. I will be here tomorrow. I hope whatever is going on, you are ok.

 

Take care,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,
Feeling a little better today, Still can't write, Don't know why. Want to talk badly, just can't....... curling up, quiet, alone, tears, but am OK
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

That's fine. Take your time. I'll be here when you're ready. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thank you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,
I wonder why I can't talk, why everything is locked inside, on the other side of a barred gate, to be seen but not let out. I can see it all there, needing to be talked about, but it just won't come to me. It makes me feel so weary. I've been thinking about my badger this morning, roadkill.
I will try again later
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Stay with how you feel. This is probably triggered by what we talked about the other day when you felt so angry about Dave. You can feel this way when you start to get close to the wall we mentioned. You get stuck because there is so much going on behind the wall, and letting it out triggers a flood of feelings.

 

But keep in mind that the "flood" of feelings is not going to hurt you. This are feelings you have already felt and tucked away because you did not feel they were acceptable, or Dave told you they were unacceptable. You also were told this in childhood. Feeling angry, defending yourself, going against someone treating you badly is not ok. You will not be loved if you do this so you must accept poor treatment to get what you need. So when you feel these things, you put them away so you don't have to deal with them.

 

Also, by bringing them out, you will face them for the first time. That also means deciding how you want to handle them. But we are taking this one step at a time. When the feelings start to come out, we will deal with them slowly, accept them at a slow pace. There is no need to rush anything.

 

That is why I encouraged you so much last week with your anger. Keep it with you, feel it and allow yourself permission to look at it. Understand it is a very normal response to Dave's behavior. It is what you should feel, instead of acceptance.

 

Turning this in on yourself is what you are doing now. You are convincing yourself that anger is not ok and that it is you with the problem. That could not be further from the truth. Try today to accept your anger. You don't necessarily need to bring it up and feel it full force. Just allow yourself to be ok with it. See what happens.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

It's comforting to know you are there. Yes the feelings are a riot of anger milling about behind those barred gates, jostling, waving fists, being kept at bay. Do I need to open the gates? Will it all come out at once and trample me? will I be horrible, will I be moody? Sam asked me why I was tetchy yesterday, why I was so stressed. I try so hard to be level with the children, it's not their fault.
I'm just beginning to piece Thursday together, anger with D is much of it, I'll tell you the rest later.

Thank you.

I've just had an much needed walk.... in the rain... but time out!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, you're welcome.

 

No, your feelings will not trample you. It may feel somewhat overwhelming, but you have felt these feelings before. You just tucked them away and hid them behind defenses. Accepting what Dave does to you then not feeling your feelings is what is hurting you. Not the anger. The anger is appropriate. But going against what you were taught is what is causing you to feel fear and anxiety. That is all very normal though.

 

You will not be horribly moody but you may feel unsettled. Moody is not bad, though. Just let the kids know you are working on your feelings and that whatever you seem like, it is not their fault. They will understand.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate.

I want to stay with you, but I have to go sort a meal, get Sam to work. I'll be back later.

I'm feeling unsettled already, haven't opened the gate yet, but anxiety is creeping through

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That's fine Rose. I understand. I had to go out for a family event too. I'll check in later to see if you post again.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm sorry it's so long, but I'm glad I'm back. That wasn't a good place to be, dark and lonely, uncomfortable and unpredictable.

I'm trying really hard, but I think I have it, I just needed a little push. You’re so right, I felt those feelings of anger and frustration, but then didn’t share them appropriately, I bottled them and stoppered them and then went to ground, the more stress I felt (which has been a huge amount this week), the more buried I felt. Is that why I couldn’t share with you, why I couldn’t be open, zipped up? I am going to share, look at it, feelings and anger, but I’m not going to feel, just yet. Yes I struggle to let the anger out, I will be wrong to be angry, I am not entitled to feel like that, I have to accept that I have to put up with it. I remember only once in my life when I spoke out against my mother and I was angry with her, I was a young adult, never before, never since, and never have I been angry with my father, though I have felt it towards them both many times in my adult years, and no doubt in my childhood years too.

There is TOO much going on behind that wall, it is so densely packed with muddledness I’m struggling to order it. Thursday was a hard day. I had my appointment at Occupational Health, and I did my best for a long while, but I was inevitably in a very emotional state. It was very difficult for me to admit how bad I was feeling, physically and emotionally, but that came without question, and the nurse covered all bases. I told her how guilty I was feeling to have accepted the job, not knowing how I would feel or cope, and that I felt I had let them down, had told them that I could sustain my contract, but had failed myself and them; and my plans to get back to nursing were slipping away, as I still had a certain amount of induction work to complete, study days, certificates to obtain. I thought I would feel better if I resigned and they wouldn't have to keep paying me sick pay, and finding cover for me. She said maybe I'd better not make these decisions feeling as I do, but she could understand why I felt that way.

I told her how hard I was finding it getting proper help from my GP, and that I'm not sleeping well bc of pain, can't keep up with the physical side of working on a busy ward, bending, leaning, lifting, moving fast, and that I am totally wiped out after a shift. She said she would arrange for the Occ Health Dr to see me, so that might be of help. We talked about some aspects of my other situations, but not at length. I said maybe I needed to see the counsellor attached to the Occ Health so that I could talk about the work situation (since K isn't too sure how it works here), and she thought this was a good idea. She offered to write to my ward manager and tell them that I wasn’t well enough to return next week, I was very grateful. But now I have to make another appointment to see my GP, and I’ll have to be in touch with the ward myself too. These are both big worries for me, and they keep going round in my head (when there’s a little bit of room!!)

I’m worried about quitting, how it will look for future employment, but equally a long period of sick leave will look poor too. If I quit how will we cope without my income (I’m down to half pay from next week). Who will want to employ me now with fibro if there is the potential for further sickness. I hope that I will be able to get to grips with it when I’m through this bad time, and choose my employment more carefully. I had such doubts that I would cope with this job I should have listened to myself, but how would I know for certain if I hadn’t tried? Where ever I go I worry I’ll see someone from the ward. This morning at the supermarket (while Dave was still snoring) I saw one of the staff nurses packing at the checkout. I felt guilty that I was out and about, not sick in bed, that she would see me, say ‘I saw Rose at the supermarket- she didn’t look sick’ I thought I saw the ward manager on Monday as I was taking Poppy to have her hair cut. I hoped she hadn’t seen me, hoped it wasn’t her (dashing through the raindrops). I feel that my time should be spent behind closed doors, but I struggle to get out as it is.

As I left Occ H I made a triage appointment to telephone the counsellor that afternoon at a set time. When I got home, D was there, not working again, and I was very disappointed to see him, needed some space. I told him he needs to be working, I know he’s got jobs to do. But he says there is very little work. I told him that he needs to look for employment then, anything, minimum wage, anything. I said did he know that last year he didn’t even earn the minimum wage over the year? We shouldn’t be struggling, we should be comfortable. He said, as he always says, every time work dries up, something will turn up, it always does, and I say this every time, bc you always worry, always say the same. Yes, maybe it does, but how many months does he have to wait for it to turn up? He doesn’t actively seek work, he just waits for the phone to ring, all the while running down the savings, or expecting me to make the money, because I can work extra hours, I won’t let us fall too low, and he knows, I do the worrying for him. And what does he do with all that time on his hands? Mostly nothing. Honestly. And I have to catch up with everything else too. So this last time I mention it, on Thursday, he says we’ve still got savings. I said wouldn’t it be a shame if it ALL has to go when he could be working to prevent the last of it going to waste. I do think he agreed.

His nephew and family were coming for the evening, so I spent an hour and a half preparing a meal for them, while he lay around, and surfed the net. I couldn’t make my phone call in the house as he was there, so I told Poppy I had a call to make and went to my neighbours house. I phoned the counsellor at 14.20, I was extremely nervous. She was lovely, I began to tell her a bit about my situation related to work, as this is all I wanted to discuss with them, I told her that I had K, and that she wasn’t sure how employment worked in the UK. She began questioning me as to why I was talking to K and not someone in the UK, and so I tried to explain that I had had a UK based counsellor, but I didn’t feel I could talk to her, and after seeking online support for something specific K and I began communicating regularly. She said that bc I already had a therapeutic relationship with someone else it was unethical for her to allow me to see her as well. I was in my usual highly charged emotional state as I was attempting to deal with the phone call, and she was very apologetic that she couldn’t help me, and also that she didn’t feel I could wait for the next appointment in the beginning of December, that I needed someone now.. This left me wondering whether I was doing the right thing by talking with K, had I wasted a year and a fair few $s, that maybe I should have someone closer to home that I can be in the same room with, that I should start over; that I COULDN’T start over, and I was in the biggest muddle for a very long time. I made the call to try to sort out my work problem, and came away doubting my sense in having a therapist a thousand miles away. I stayed in my neighbours house for a long long time, trying to get to grips with how I was feeling, that I couldn’t have help here unless I stop working with K.

As I was leaving D caught me coming in and wanted to know what I was doing, why I had to make a phone call from the neighbours house etc. I told him that it was private and I didn’t need to tell him (I hope you’re proud of me!), he said ‘you WILL tell me’, I said sorry, but I don’t have to. He said you’re making me paranoid..... it has nothing to do with you AT ALL, so no need to feel like that...... tell me, tell me, I’m your husband, YOU SHOULD TELL ME.... no D, just accept that I do not want to tell you. He left it. Phew.

I spent hours on our meal. He and his nephew took Sam to town, then went to the pub. They came back after 2 hours, not drunk, but we had to wait. I was feeling terrible after my day, and found the evening with his family an enormous endurance, I had to entertain the rest of the family until he came back, then I served dinner. I was a total wreck by bedtime, and I so needed to talk to you, just not capable.

Thurs should have been my skype evening. That was real hard.

That was Thursday. That's enough for now.
I hope you're having a good weekend.... is it Halloween? or is that tomorrow? No-one has knocked at our door tonight...

Rose
ps, I missed you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I want to take the time to read your question through. I have to release the lock on another question (JA rules) and I will come right back.

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it is so good to hear from you!

 

I could not agree more with what you said about expressing your anger. Yes, it is bottled up and expressing it has not been allowed in your family. All the anger at your parents and now years of anger at Dave. All bottled inside of you. That is a lot to carry around. Letting it out bit by bit is a good idea. But if you do have times where you feel very angry, that is ok too. You will handle it fine. I know that because you have carried so much for so long that letting it out will be a relief, not something to fear. It will put your feelings back on track where they should be, not bottled up inside where you can turn it to depression and sadness. This is a very good thing, Rose. Very good.

 

I am glad to hear you had your interview and that the person you talked with was so supportive. I have a question- would it be possible for you to use your nursing skill to do a desk job of some sort? Nurses in the U.S. have opportunities to do some types of counseling jobs, work in mental health facilities where they give out psych meds, and also to handle insurance questions through the insurance companies. I know you have national insurance there, but may be there are similar opportunities where you at least do not have to run around or strain yourself.

 

I understand the counselor's dilemma and why she didn't feel comfortable seeing you. Too many counselors helping you in different ways could confuse things for you. But you also have to make the choice that is best for you. If you feel your relationship with K is helping you and you are benefiting (getting better), then that is the counselor you should be with. There is no right answer. It is only what you feel works for you. You are the focus here and the one that knows what you need most. If you feel strongly about seeing the counselor where you live, you could also put your sessions on hold with K temporarily and see the counselor where you live. That lets you hold on to your relationship with K while also seeking help face to face with someone close by.

 

Good for you not telling Dave why you went out to the neighbor's house. You stood your ground. He really tried to needle you into telling him too. Wow, talk about entitled! But you refused. How did it feel?

 

Halloween is on October 31st. It's not one of my favorite holidays and for a long time I did not like my kids going out to trick or treat. But as they got older and understood that Halloween represents something I don't agree with, I let them have a choice whether or not to go. I'm just glad when it's over and we can celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas!

 

Let me know how you are doing,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,
thank you for your post.:) I'm in the doldrums today.... I wish they didn't stop me writing, when I need to most.
I hope you have a nice Sunday. mine is sore so far, but hope it will improve.... I have some walls to paint! (No D can't do it, he's at the pub!!) P back to school tomorrow, room not finished.
Til later
Rose
ps have your clocks changed? fall back?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome, Rose!

 

Must be a painting weekend. I just got done painting my daughter's room as well. A very vibrant shade of purple. Not my first choice, but it's her room.

 

I hope Poppy's room gets done in quickly and you can have some down time today.

 

Clocks go back sometime in the next few weeks. I probably need to check on that! Do you all change your clocks too?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Yes, painting. Vibrant purple, Mm, that sounds familiar- Poppy's two end walls are not far from that, imagine pomegranate, and the other 2 are cream (hooray).

We have had the most diabolical evening since D came home from the pub. We had two rounds, It's almost impossible to tell you what the first was all about apart from it being over cooking a pheasant the dogs had killed. At some point during the tirade he took my netbook, I don't know what he planned on doing with it, but he was hoping to get me angry, make me plead with him to give it back. I ignored him, but Sam went after him for it. He eventually put it back on the table after taking it outside with him. After a lengthy argument which was him alone against the rest, he said he couldn't stand it anymore and that he was going to commit suicide with a massive OD of insulin. He took his insulin to his room and tried to bar the door, and said he would be dead in a few minutes. I asked him to tell me how much he had taken and he wouldn't tell me. Poppy was hysterical, phoned a friend to talk, Sam was demanding him not to be so selfish. I got the phone, and went into his room, and called 999, I told the operator that my husband had told me he'd taken an OD of insulin, and to be honest I didn't know if I wanted an ambulance or the police to take him away. 30 seconds or so into the conversation he confessed that he hadn't really taken the insulin, so I had to apologize to the operator and end the call. I don't know what else I should have done, I don't regret phoning them, but he got away with his threat. What did he think I was going to do, let Poppy think that he'd be dead before an ambulance could get to him, I didn't know if he would do it for real, but couldn't take the risk. How should I have reacted to that after he admitted he'd not taken it? I told him to go. But he wouldn't. He came back upstairs and started another 45 mins of shouting and accusations. I put my netbook on video, and I have every word. Sam recorded The pheasant scene on his Blackberry until it ran out of battery. Sam tried to tell him what he'd learnt in Sociology, that it's often the man who comes home with stresses, and lays them on his family, which causes the breakdown in the home. I said he is causing this family to be dysfunctional. (not happy with that)

The second round was directed mainly at me, why is it only at home that he argues, he never argues with anyone else, it's only at home, everyone else thinks he's great, loves him, has a great time. I say I don't argue with anyone else ever, only him.He said I only talk to my family and an American. S, I say, I have no friends? Apparently not. He says he wonders what it's like at home when he's not there- we all say it's lovely, quiet, no arguments, all get on, no problems. He didn't believe us. He says I have huge problems, I am THE problem. Sam was getting really upset that he was blaming everything on me, P and S both said mum has done nothing wrong, why do you always have a go at Mum. I'm not sharing with him, I'm talking with K, about not trusting people, he trusts no-one. On and on and on. Then he lays into Sam for something that happened yesterday, and Sam breaks down in tears, Dave tried to hug him, shouted we all need a BIG HUG, Sam is telling him to go away, I tell him to leave Sam alone. On and on and on. He says every time he comes in the door I have a go at him, negatives, where have you been, at the pub again. I told him in no uncertain terms that it has been years since I have challenged him about his drinking, DUI, hours out of home, spending. So that was a figment of his imagination; maybe I should start saying where and why a bit more.

He spent a good 20 minutes on K, again telling me I'd be better off saving my money and spending time out with him and his musician friends, all clever people, who could help me in the ways I needed help. I said I don't want to spend time with him and his friends, I don't want to share intimate details with any one of his friends. I said I was very pleased for him that he had good friends and a good social life making music, which is the one big thing that he wants to do, he wants us all to do, together, we should be doing these things together, we should be with him, not off doing our own things, each in a different direction.

Kate, this went on for well over an hour. No-one could eat their meal. Poppy was being a very sensible adult, trying to be the peacemaker, trying to get him to see the error of his ways, trying to get him to understand what he's doing to the family. He called me a f****** bitch a good few times, and she told him that it was disrespectful to me...., yet he told me over and over that he respects me, that he doesn't talk about me like I obviously talk about him to K and goodness knows who else. But I don't call him names, and he told P later outside that he calls me that to 'shock'me, but I say I don't care anymore what he calls me, it makes no difference, I have my barriers up, and not once did he make me cry, I felt cold and hard, just like he tells me I am, while he cried and told us how sensitive he is.

He went outside for a cigarette and Poppy went out to talk to him some more. Sam said he didn't know how she could continue to talk to him, he said he can't even look at him. He said why is she bothering, there is no point. She wanted him to come in and apologize to me. He came and gave me a hug and kiss as I was sitting with Sam, I could hardly bear his touch, but I endured it, squeezing Poppy's hand all the while. Poppy was watching my face, told him that was enough, to leave me then. He said he was sorry. He won't remember it tomorrow. He went to bed.

I kept calm. Kept us together. But I've been shaking, it's been unbearable, and here I am feeling guilty that the children have had to see all of this again. And I have been blamed for spending thousands of pounds of our savings on private education for Sam, because it is what I wanted to happen, it was MY choice, and he went along with it bc he respected my wishes, but he never ONCE told me he wished otherwise.

I can't think of anymore.

Our clocks changed last night, we went back an hour, so now there are 5 hours between us until your clocks change to catch us up!!

Please don't worry about this until tomorrow, I just wanted to get it all down tonight.

Goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I could never wait until tomorrow to respond to such a post. You have really gone through it tonight. But I feel so happy for you. Odd response, I know! But you held your ground, stood up to Dave, and gave the children something they will not forget. They got to see you stand up to Dave, be civilized while doing it, and teaching them how to handle someone who is acting out horribly.

 

Dave has reached new heights with his immature and abusive behavior. It sounds like to me (and correct me if I am wrong here) that he is sensing your change, sensing that he is losing control of you, and he is stepping up the abuse. He seems like he is very afraid that he no longer is able to scare you and abuse you until you submit. The stunt with saying he is going to OD with the insulin was a good example of his desperate need for attention and control. That is something an adolescent might try. And it shows that Dave has not matured much past that point. Your response was exactly what it should have been. You acted in the only right way by contacting the emergency services just in case Dave actually did hurt himself. There was no way for you to know for sure. Even though he did not follow through, the fact that Dave could put his children and you through something so frightening shows how self centered he really is.

 

Then he spends more time yelling directly at you while the kids react to his abuse. Accusing you of spending money on Sam, talking to K when you should talk to his friends (huh?) and telling you that you yell at him all the time when you don't. These are all things that Dave feels out of control about. He questions your judgment with the money when at the time, he didn't care to have an opinion about it. He is very fearful of your relationship with K. Either he feels that she will convince you of what he is really about (which you don't need convincing of) or he fears losing control over you. Probably both. Then he makes up things about you yelling at him. He is trying to say this to make you feel guilty and question yourself. You know you don't do these things. But even if you did, you have the right to know where he is, especially since he never tells you or gives you the respect you deserve by checking in with you.

 

As you noticed, he takes all of his abusive actions and turns them on you, blaming you for restricting his absolute freedom. He truly believes that he deserves to act as an spoiled adolescence does. He is to be loved by everyone, never questioned, always right, pushing his will on everyone, and never doing wrong. Everyone is to pay attention to him and worship him. When you go against that, he reacts strongly.

 

You have made a great breakthrough with this incident. Even though going through it made you shaky and upset (which is very natural), you handled this so well. I would venture to say you are no longer where you used to be. You are using your strength now to thwart Dave and his antics. And the children do notice that Dave is wrong. It was traumatizing for all of you. But you stood up and refused to back down. I could not be happier for you. You are something Rose. To come through what you have been through, stand up to a bully, and come out showing your children what true bravery is is nothing short of amazing.

 

After all this, I hope you are able to find some peace tonight and get some rest. You deserve it after what you have been through. I will be here tomorrow near lunch time (for me) so if you want to talk, I'll look for your post.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I know I said leave til tomorrow, but you know I really wanted to hear from you sooner. I know you wouldn't leave it, but you need a day off too. Thank you for responding, it was so good to read it this morning, I have read it over and over, going over the scene here in this kitchen last night as if I am reliving a bad dream. Listening to the recording of the second phase was useful to show me how well I coped with it, I'm thinking too well, in that I didn't seem bothered by it, I was too calm, too untouched by it, and this morning I'm trying to carry on as if nothing happened last night. I know it will be a different story when I come to talk to K about it tomorrow, it's odd how I can appear strong during the event, and a crumpled wreck when I talk about it. But I know I had strength for the children, and to stand up to D, to show him I won't be down trodden.

Thank you so much for your support, it is invaluable. I don't know how today will progress, he has a coffee in bed, which he thanked me for. I'm going to get ingredients so I can marinate the damn pheasant and attempt to cook it nicely for him, rather than just throwing it in the oven, which is what he said I should have done- having researched on google the best ways to cook a geriatric cock bird, there seemed no point in cooking it without adequate preparation as it would be inedible!! I must play Sam's recording of the pheasant episode, it's a complete blurr!

Sam needs a lift to Exeter, I think he wants some time with me instead of taking the bus. Then I need to call on my aunt and make her an appointment with her GP that I can take her to bc she has clearly deteriorated and is not aware of some actions that take place (she says someone broke into her house and got her suitcase out, packed it with clothes, then knocked her dressing table and mirror on the floor, smashing it all to pieces and spreading her jewellery around.) Her GP has declined to diagnose Alzheimers so far, and I want to find out if there is any medication she can have to help her. She is concerning me and time is getting short to decide what to do to help her.

I'll catch you later. Hope your morning isn't too hectic.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

You're welcome. I am so glad I could be there and help you. You should not go through such a thing without support.

 

You do have strength in you to face up to such a tirade. When you think of it, you have dealt with people in your face, saying cruel and mean things to you all of your life. You have suffered being ignored, told you are unworthy and taking on negative emotions from everyone who is supposed to care for you. Although this is a terrible thing, it has also been good that it has made you strong. Being able to face Dave and not give in under his abuse shows that your strength is there and that your instinct to protect your children is strong.

 

The recordings of Dave's abuse was a great idea. Listening to them cannot be easy, but it does serve a good purpose. It is easy to block out the pain and the frightening feelings that came with such an episode. But now you have a way to remember what happened so you can reflect on it. My only fear with the recording is that you feel re traumatized by what you hear.

 

Carrying on like nothing happened after yesterday may be a learned behavior. It helps you cope and puts things back into perspective for you and the family. This can be a good and bad thing. Getting back to the normal pace puts things back to the dysfunctional way Dave prefers it. He may feel he is back in control and that his tirade worked. It also does not change things for you. On the other hand, it gives you a chance to reflect and decide the next step in how you want to handle the situation. Taking on a big change all at once could be too difficult right now. Slowly changing your situation is wise and better for you and the kids.

 

You do sound very busy today. I hope all goes well for your aunt and the doctor can help her this time.

 

I hope you get time to relax today. Take care and I'll talk with you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

phew I'm being hit hard today, it's all caught up with me. Mark is here, laughing with D, my mind keeps being thrown back to this time last night, and thinking if only people knew what he was like, but I will never tell anyone else the whole of it. I almost called my neighbour last night to ask him to sit in my room downstairs, just so that someone else knew what went on behind closed doors, and so he would be near if things got too much. There has not been one mention of his behaviour this evening, just phonecalls to plan his social life.

I do think you are right, he doesn't like the change, that I'm standing up for myself, that I'm not easy so to manipulate anymore, that I don't rise to the bait. He was hoping to cause upset with the netbook, I'm glad I let it ride. When nothing happened he just put it back. But the OD, yes well, he got a reaction, he got attention, I know that's what he was after. Had it just been him and me I probably would have let him keep pretending, and dealt with the hypo if it had occurred, and emergency services if needed. But bc Poppy was in such a state I felt I had to cover things more quickly.

I get the feeling that he wants to play the victim, that he wants me to have a go at him, so he has something to fire back at him. I am deliberately not taking bate bc I know how he will use it, as he does ssoo often, with the tiniest negative remarks that I make, he takes it and blows it up into me being negative ALL the time. Another reason why I don't talk to him, bc he'll turn my words around and make something else out of them. I have learnt that over the years, it's just not safe to speak my mind, or about things that are important. I AM that F**** bitch, don't you be mistaken! (By the way, you have him down to a T- I hope you know what that means? First time I've ever written it, should it be Tee, or Tea?!! and why T?)

In respects of where I am with Dave, you are right, I am no longer where I used to be. It was dreadful, but it didn't floor me, and none of us were accepting of his behaviour. Sam and I are together on our need to break free from him, but Poppy is still desperate to keep us together, and D sees her as his ally, but also she is behaving like the adult and he the child, which he was not happy with.

I listened once to my recording last night, I felt terribly anxious throughout, but now I will just save it for future reference if needed. I hope Sam will be able to Bluetooth his recording to me, but I don't wish to listen to it anymore, and Sam doesn't want to hear it either.

Nothing has been mentioned. I dealt with the pheasant as best I could, and he thanked me for it. I said it was worth waiting for, and he agreed. I don't feel I can challenge him about last evening, I can't imagine what he's thinking, or what he can remember of it. There is no apology.

I took Sam into town, I think he wanted my company and not the bus this morning. He had homework to do after the event, and was fortunately able to do it OK. We talked about the evening, he said D is trying to attention seek, control what we do and think, esp with the OD threat, being very selfish. He said he has NO respect for him whatsoever, and he tries hard to avoid him. I suggested again that he could do with talking to the counsellor at college; he said but I have you... I wouldn’t know what to say to them. He doesn’t share with any of his friends, and doesn’t know how P can share with her friends. He said he is OK with all his friends, he is happy when he’s not with Dad, and that his good times outweigh the bad. But he agreed to get in touch with the counsellor at College, at least until CAMHs gets us an appointment.

When I was visiting my aunt I phoned her surgery to make her an appointment that I could take her to. Her GP came on the phone, and said she had just been talking to my other aunt who was concerned about her, and she said that she was planning on a home visit this morning. I said great, I'm here for a while, I'll wait for her to come and visit. We talked all together and it was clear that she was in need of carer intervention, at least once a day, maybe twice after I told her that she got stuck in the bath. I don't think she's too happy about that, in fact she's not, she says she's OK, can manage etc.... But the ball is rolling, her meds will be dispensed in calendar packs (she's not been taking her pills), and she has been referred to the geriatric psychiatrist, oh, and the District Nurse will call to discuss incontinence provisions... yipeeeeee (the only thing my aunt was worried about!)

Hey, Halloween. Poppy is out, wearing my ballgown from many many years ago. We have a supply of sweeties by the door, but only had one knock so far. I'm with you on the feelings towards Halloween, but the kids don't see it like that at all, just another opportunity to see how many sweeties they can legitimately get from knocking on doors.

Goodnight my dear Kate, thank you for so much

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, for once I'm speechless (but you know me, not for long!). The way you expressed your feelings about last night and the consequences of what you and the kids went through is so clear and so full of deep thought and insight that I dare say you don't need my help at all!

 

Yes, I agree Dave is very aware that he is starting to lose his complete control over you and the family as a whole. His manipulations and his abuse no longer have the same impact so he is trying to ramp it up to get the attention and control he craves so much. Wherever Dave learned this behavior, he learned it well. It has become the only way he can relate and he is unable to be flexible and adapt. He only knows abuse and control.

 

The change in you is becoming so obvious. I sense your strength, your resilience, and your own control coming out. You are beginning to overcome your past and realize that you are a worthy person who deserves better. I'm smiling ear to ear just hearing your responses to Dave and knowing that peace is within your reach.

 

He does bait you to get a reaction so he feels justified in abusing you. I cannot believe he calls you such names. How cruel and mean. It takes a special strength to stand up to someone who is so intensely angry and abusive. He assaults you through his words and actions.

 

It is good you kept the recordings of last night. Listening to them would be very traumatizing and it is understandable you would never want to hear them again. But it would be very useful to play for someone if you did chose to share what you have been through. At least now, you do have evidence of what you experience. That gives you power over Dave and over anyone who tries to deny and minimize what you have been through. Are you planning on playing your recording for K?

 

It sounds like Sam relies on you very much to be there for him. It makes sense because he does not have a role model with Dave so you are it for him. It puts a lot of responsibility on you. I'm not sure how you feel about that. But I can see what Sam sees with you. He finds you easy to talk to, reliable, and someone to turn to when he feels scared or upset. Hopefully, seeing a counselor at school can help him cope with the stress he feels.

 

I'm glad to hear that things are getting sorted out with your aunt. Getting some help with her will make a lot of difference. Keep me posted on how it works out.

 

Hmmmm, to a T. I think it's just a T. I've never really thought about it, but I am now. I just looked it up (ok, my nerd side is showing!). Here is the explanation (from the UK yet!):

 

Origin
'To a T', which is sometimes written 'to a tee', is an old phrase and is first recorded in XXXXX XXXXX's satire The Humours and conversations of the town, 1693:

"All the under Villages and Towns-men come to him for Redress; which he does to a T."

It is difficult to determine the origin of this phrase. It would be helpful to know the correct spelling; 'T' or 'tee'

 

John Jamieson, in the etymological dictionary Jamieson's Dictionary of the Scottish Language, 1867, records 'to a tee' as 'to a tittle'. If even a 19th century Scots lexicographer doesn't support the Scottish sports origin they would seem to lack credibility.

Given Wright's earliest 'to a T' usage and the lack of evidence to support the 'tee' version, it is safe to assume the proper spelling is 'to a T'. So, what T was meant? Again, there are alternatives; 'T-shirt', or 'T-square', or some abbreviation of a word starting with T

 

Ok, now I've learned something new today! Thanks, Rose!

 

I hope you are getting some good sleep as I write this. Sorry I could not get back to you earlier. We were out for Halloween. Yes, you are right. It is about the sweets. It's raining here so we made it a quick night. But they still managed to get way too many pieces of candy!

 

I'll talk with you tomorrow,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

Now I am smiling from ear to ear!! Thank you so much, your post is such a boost. I would NOT be where I am today without you. Hey, you're not off the hook the easily!!

And thanks for the T info!! I LOVE words!!

I have to chivvy the kids aXXXXX, XXXXX has already missed the bus, I hope he will catch the neighbour, and I have to get Poppy to her violin lesson, then I have a day with Alexis. I wonder what we'll do today.

back later

Rose :)

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome!

 

Sounds like you have quite a day planned. Hope all goes well and you have fun with the kids and Alexis. Don't work too hard!

 

Talk to you later,

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

I'm so tired, I'm glad to be home in my lovely room. I've had a quiet day with Alexis, visiting her sister-in-law and new baby, and cake baking shopping. With the clock change my skype session is in a muddle, as I would have to meet K at 7pm, which is a BIG no-no bc D doesn't go out til 7.30, and there is no way I'm skyping with him around, ever again. K has to pick her daughter up from school, so we aren't meeting til almost 9pm, but I'll try to have a quick ziz before then. I have emailed her a summary of events so she is aware of what has been going on. I did try to email her the recording, but it was too large- I wouldn't know how to play it to her while we're skyping- maybe I just set it playing and she'll hear it if I don't have my mic plugged in. I can give it a go, but I think we'll be busy tonight!!

Sam and I have always been very close, as, like you say, he has never had a role model. Dave has never been there for him, Sam is well aware of that, and I have given him so much. He always asks me about everything, he knows what sort of response he will receive, and there will be no judgement. He even asked me to teach him how to shave. I am very happy for him to ask me and not his dad, he knows where he is with me, and more often than not he has a negative response from D. He asks me to drive with him as he doesn't think D will be comfortable to drive with. He has driven with him once, and during his tirade on Sunday threw it at Sam, that he has done this for him, and Sam had to say how grateful he was to him for his time and for allowing him to drive our car. (I need to listen to that bit again, I was amazed at what I thought I was hearing)

I feel dreadfully sad for the children that they don't have a father figure to be proud of, to look up to, to respect. There is no respect for him, he hasn't earnt it, but he is at them at every chance telling them that they should respect him, he is their father, like I should tell him everything, I am his wife. I agree, they should respect him, but I don't blame them for their lack of respect; I do tell them they shouldn't speak to him in such a way, but quite frankly, it's what he deserves, and generally in response to some irresponsibility, or them trying to stand up for themselves.

And I feel very sad that I am a single parent. I look at other families and see a balanced unit. It might not be sweetness and light all the time, but there is stability, the children know where they are with their father, the wife too, there is mutual respect, a two way caring, and sharing of the families needs. I know of no family that is so totally a-kilter. I can't give him love, I can't be proud of him, I don't respect him. He says he loves me. He says he respects me. I don't care either way, but it seems pretty blatent to me that he does neither of them, only in-so-much as it is beneficial to him, bc I keep everything together, I have wits about me, and will make sure we will be OK, and if he doesn't tell me he loves/respects me that will quite likely be the end for him. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the way I see it at this moment in time.

Supper time. D is asleep, getting ready for his next night out.

I'll try and catch you later, but it will be late when I'm done with skype.

Thank you for your every word, from the bottom of my heart.

Bless you

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello Rose! I've been thinking of you all day, hoping your day went well.

 

I need to run to get my kids from the bus stop and I didn't want to leave you hanging so I wanted to drop a quick note to you. I want to chat with you so I'll be back soon!

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, thank you. Your kindness to me means a lot.

 

I am so glad you have K to talk to. Even though it is hard for you to talk to her, I feel better knowing you have someone you can talk to and that can provide you with additional support. Even if she just gets to hear a small section of your recording, she will be able to work with that. It's the idea of what you go through that she needs.

 

Sam is very blessed to have you. But you are right, the situation is very unfair. You are not supposed to be alone in raising your children. Dave is not supposed to be adding to your burden, he is supposed to be sharing your burden. Sam knows that he can turn to you for help. And you provide excellent help because you are non judgmental and caring. That is a bonus for any child. Even if a child has two parents, if neither of them provide the type of parenting you do, then it is not beneficial to that child. The deficits the kids experience from Dave's lack of parenting may be hurtful, but the kids will also learn resilience from this experience. They will be better equipped to handle difficult situations and people. But yet they will also understand caring and compassion, from their experience with you. So it is not all bad.

 

I understand your feelings about seeing other families together. Your feelings about what kind of life they have together is very normal, especially when you cope with a dysfunctional relationship like you have with Dave and his behavior. Your feelings about the families you see are a projection of what you wish for your own family. In reality, a good portion of families do not function on a healthy level. There is usually some dysfunction of some sort within the family structure. But realizing that you wish your family to be healthy is a good sign. It means you are noticing what should be and comparing it to what is. Comparing the two is a good sign that you are seeing things for how they are.

 

You are right, Dave has not earned respect. He demands it because he feels he deserves respect. But his actions do not match his demands. And the children not wanting to respect him is normal. They are acting in a healthy way too. They are seeing him for what he is and that is ok. It is a shame he doesn't see the effects of his behavior but that will not change unless he wants to change it. I agree with you, he says he respects you because he knows you hold it all together. I think he says it too because maybe in his way he understands that you act in such a way that you deserve respect. You also are the glue of the family. Without you, Dave would not have anything. And I think somewhere inside he knows that.

 

I hope you have a great session with K. I'll be thinking of you!

 

Have a good night,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
DEAR Kate,

Thank you for your post, and for your many thoughts. I feel so privileged to be a part of your thinking. You make me feel very cared for, thank you.

My skype was very late and I struggled with it. We talked first about work, sick leave, Drs visits and the guilt I was feeling about letting people down, and that I was being paid sick after such a short time of employment; about finances and the stress of trying to talk to the right people last week. She wrote a letter to my GP after our session to suggest further sickleave, and GP has replied in agreement. I still need to see her tomorrow, but hopefully I won't feel quite so anxious as I won't need to tell her or explain anything. I had an email from work today to say that they had received a letter from the Occupational Health Nurse I saw last week, and so they know I'm not fit for work from their point of view, and that I will be reviewed by them in 3 weeks. So that is all an enormous weight off my mind for the short-term.

We talked a lot about Sunday, but for some odd reason I don't remember much of it. I was Soo tired. I hadn't got my act together with the recording, so I might play some of it next week when I've listened to it again and chosen a section for her, it lasts for almost an hour!

Today I'm not well, and my head is very foggy. I slept this morning, then had lunch with my parents and sister to discuss my aunt, and now I'm in bed again. The weather is horrible, and fibro is worse when it's cold and wet, and also after a stressful time.

I hope your day is good, any snow your way? K was expecting a ton of it last night!

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

It sounds like it was a productive session with K. It's good she helped you with your GP and it'll be an easier appointment because of it. Let me know how it goes.

 

I am not surprised you do not remember much about Sunday. Whenever someone experiences trauma like you did, your mind helps you to block it out. It is a way you defend yourself against being over traumatized by events that are too overwhelming to cope with at the time. Whenever your safety is in question or you feel overwhelmed by an event, it is a normal reaction to feel disconnected and numb. When you have PTSD, your memory shuts down after events so you remain disconnected. You also may feel that you have a blanket over your feelings. Your reaction to what you went through may be non existent or you feel that it did not happen. Again, it is a way to protect yourself from further harm.

 

That is why I mentioned that it is good you have the recording of what Dave did. If you feel that you need a way to remember what you went through, you now have a way to hear it again. It also can serve as motivation if you decide you want to leave Dave. But re traumatizing yourself is also a possibility. So playing it for K was important. And telling me about it was too. That way, if you do feel traumatized hearing it again, we can help you through it. And by doing so, we can help you process how you feel and give you support so you are less traumatized.

 

I am glad you are getting rest. After how busy you have been lately and the events over the weekend, resting while you can is a very good idea. You need time to process everything too.

 

No snow here. We did have some last week and that was very odd. It's too early! I hope K didn't get too much. Are you expecting any snow?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I've had my appointment with my GP. Rather too many tears for my liking, but par for the course I guess.
So I have the sick note for 8 weeks. She wanted to know what was going on at home. She said I won’t get better while I’m still with him. I said I know.
She wanted to know about the children, if they were being abused, whether Social Services needed to be involved. She said much of Sam’s problems are bc of D. I said I know, and I cried a lot. I didn’t tell her anything, I said I would email her. So that’s what I have to do now. Any advice? I don't want to say anything that will cause the SS to come calling. Thanks

More later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I am sorry you felt so upset by your appointment. But keep in mind that you were talking to your GP about something very painful. Very few people could have done this without tears. So don't be too hard on yourself. You went, saw your doctor and told her what you needed. That is a good thing. And I am sure you are not the first person, or the last, that will cry in her office.

 

There is really no reason you need to share details of what goes on at home with your GP. Although she is trying to help, she is your doctor and not a therapist. I mean no disrespect to her. She is there for you and that is wonderful. But providing her with all the details of your home life is not necessary for her to be able to do her job, unless you feel it is important.

 

I would talk to her mostly about your relationship with Dave. Tell her that you are with the kids most of the time, Dave goes out a lot (in which case he is not near the kids, which he isn't) and that most of the disagreements you have with him are between the two of you. The kids are safe and you do have support through family, friends and therapy. There are many people in your life you who you can turn to and who are supportive of you and the kids. Let her know you are working on leaving the marriage and that you have support with that as well. You are trying work on this slowly so the impact of your separation is less on the kids and on you. Also, you may want to mention that Sam is in counseling as well. That way, she knows there are therapists involved who are also keeping an eye on the kids. (You may want to also consider getting Poppy into therapy as well so she has someone to talk to about Dave).

 

That should be plenty enough for her to understand that you are coping and the kids are ok. You can even exclude some of what I said and shorten it a bit.

 

If you want to go over more details or send me a rough draft, that is ok too. Any support I can provide, just let me know.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi kate,

thanks for that, i kept it brief and gave nothing much away. It'd be more trouble than I need right now.... i would have been much more detailed if i'd not asked you- you know me, so thanks for advice!! I'm on a major downer today, guess to be expected. I'll be back later.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome, Rose. I am sorry you are feeling so down. With what you have been through lately, your stress level is probably very high. And you take a lot on yourself. You are doing a good job at everything. Better than most people could do in your situation.

 

And there are people that care and want the best for you. Keep reminding yourself of that. Let me know if you need to talk,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm feeling very scared. my GP had another email from K today, she wanted to raise her awareness about what's going on here. I don't know what K said, I gave her permission to tell my GP what she felt was important, I just know that she printed it out and said she had no idea D was being such trouble. Then she asked me about the children, and Social Services; that's when I couldn't tell her anything and I said I would email.

I emailed K, she said she wanted to put GP in the picture as she felt so helpless being so far away.

Anyway, this is what I wrote in the end, thanks for your advice:

I know what I must do, but I am not strong enough to deal with the fall-out just yet. Poppy wants to fix him. I am working on leaving, slowly, so the impact of it will be less on the kids and on myself.

I am with them most of the time, Dave goes out a lot, but there are occasions when we are all in receipt of a hard time, especially after drinking. There have been no incidences of physical abuse. The kids are safe and I have support through family, friends and therapy. Sam has agreed to see the counsellor at College.

I will tell you without question if I felt the children needed intervention.

No reply, though not expecting one.

Am in bed early, frazzled!!

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I can understand your concern, though I don't feel anything will come of this.

 

Your email to your GP was clear and to the point. You covered the important aspects of the situation and that is what counts. If your social services are similar to the ones in the U.S. there would need to be much more evidence of something going on before the kids are removed. And they would probably take steps first before even that is considered. There are many good reasons you have nothing to worry about.

 

One, you care for your children. They are well fed, have a good roof over their heads, have individual rooms, have clothes and generally are well cared for. They lack nothing. That is much more than many kids have by the time social services gets to them.

 

Two, you love them and provide close supervision. They have you home, you are there to take them where they need to go, they are not left for long periods of time by themselves and are not left overnight either.

 

Three, both kids have active social lives and are involved with activities outside of the home. They are allowed to have friends over and go to see their friends.

 

Four, both kids attend school on a regular basis and homework is a priority

 

Five, your kids are able to speak for themselves and tell the workers they are ok. They are also older, so they are not as vulnerable as little children and therefore do not need removed like younger children might.

 

Six, you take them to the doctor, care for them when they are sick and make sure they are healthy

 

Seven, there are other people in the home (Mark and your parents for example) on a regular basis. They would notice abuse. Also, they can back you up and attest to you as being a good parent.

 

Those are seven good reasons you have nothing to worry about. Child services do not remove children who have good care. And if it was questionable, they would recommend parenting classes and supervision before they would consider removing them. The only time kids are taken is when they are in immediate danger.

 

I would give your GP time to respond. She may not which is ok. Just because she feels there may be something to this does not mean she will take action. She may just decide to wait and see. Or she may let it go.

 

I'm here if you need me. Try not to worry. This will work out.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate,

I'm sure they won't be removed, but my worry is any communication from the SS, or questioning in the home, D becoming aware that things have been said. It would be more than bearable if he ever found out that K was in touch with my GP, or that I had dared to say anything against him. When I saw him this pm he asked how my appointment was, I said fine, I've been signed off for a while longer; he said what else, I want to know everything. I declined to reply. Anyway, thanks for your comforting post. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
I see. What do you feel Dave would do if he found out?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

If only you could hear my recording!! I really don't know what his response would be, but I can imagine the venomous and disbelieving attack on how I dared to share private information, talk about him, run him down, spread lies; that he is all good, does his best for everyone, I'm selfish and have no right, thinking of number one, in fact I'll be totally crazy; all he wants to do is make people happy with music making, and look what I've done to him and the family by talking. He would quite likely follow through and wreck my netbook, prevent me from speaking to K anymore, but there will be no reason that he would find out that she wrote to my GP. Any way time will tell. I'll just have to tackle it if it arises, do my best to keep it from him. He would go NUTS. (But then would I blame him?)

I'll say goodnight now Kate, til tomorrow,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I think that is the question. Would you blame him? And would you accept blame?

 

It is an abusers worst nightmare to have others know exactly what they are about. Hiding, keeping secrets and making others in the family feel ashamed is what keeps them in power. If they lose that, then they can no longer maintain the illusion that they are wonderful and the rest of the family is happy. And they no longer have free rein to abuse.

 

I know Dave would throw a fit. Maybe you could hide your netbook from now on. And try to put others you trust in your family and friends on alert. Anyone that is aware of Dave and his abuse should know this is potentially happening and should be on alert that you may call for help. You need back up on this Rose. You should not face him alone.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

What a wet day, I'm soaking from feeding the ponies ill-equipped for the downpour! Sam had his first driving lesson in the driving rain this morning, I hope he coped OK.

I'm meant to be at work today, and I'm feeling very guilty. I've just emailed the Matron to tell her I have 8 more weeks on my certificate- what will she think? I've told her how badly I feel about it, but I really try to balance things. They'll get cover for me, they have plenty of notice, and I'm down to half pay now (that's what bothers me really, paying me sick when the budget is really tight, overspending to give me a job in the first place) I'm glad I only agreed to 2 days a week when I was offered the job- they asked me how many hours I wanted, so I didn't push my luck. Also I think about the 120 hours that I gave them for nothing in the Spring so that I could get my registration back. They really used me well, so I have to keep that in mind too. But I did tell them that I was thinking of giving them notice on my contract, as this toing and froing with sick certs and Drs appointments and emails to explain what's happening is not helping my stress levels, and the fibro is suffering as a result.

So, that's today's concern. I'm still very worried about the SS. I've been out this am, so I don't know if they've tried to ring me. There's a missed call from a withheld number, but no message, and no email from GP. I hope they won't speak to D if they do ring, I wonder whether he needs to know at all. That's my hope anyway. But, yes, I will speak to Cathy and my neighbour this weekend and give them a hint of recent events. But not family, not just yet....

I promised Poppy I'd try to finish painting her room today, at least the cream, them she can have her shelves back up, and start hanging things around to make it more comfy. She keeps looking at my room and telling me how lovely it is, that it's nicer than hers, so I must work on it to make it better for her.

D is out, I am surprised he's not home being that the weather doesn't lend itself to replacing windows. Maybe he's off shopping.

Time to paint, til later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I think the Matron will take your absence in stride. It is nothing new to have an employee out sick for a long time for a variety of reasons. My husband is a boss at his organization and it happens at his place too. He just deals with it. He says it blends right in with all the other issues bosses deal with! And as long as you have an excuse from your doctor, what can they say? They can disapprove all they want. You need to be home right now. And if you did end up giving them so many free hours, and they took advantage without guilt, there is no reason you need to feel bad about having a medical excuse. You aren't taking advantage of them, you are legitimately ill. That is a very different situation than taking advantage.

 

I am glad you have some backup in case the Social Services situation does happen. If they do an investigation (and that is a big if), then they would talk to Dave. But I doubt anything will come of it. There isn't enough there to be concerned about with your family unless the Social Services in the UK is very intense. The number of families that deal with drinking, yelling and disruptions are too numerous to make a big deal out of every one of them. Social Services would be so busy they'd never get to go home!

 

Have fun with Poppy's room! It sounds very pretty. Let me know how it turns out.

 

No rain here today but it suddenly got very cold overnight. Brrr! I was out this morning in a jacket and the wind was blowing such cold air I really wished I worn my coat.

 

I hope you don't have to go back out into the rain today! Let me know how Sam did with his driving lesson.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX I am likely concerned for no reason, so I should shake the feelings of guilt that I am feeling from both of my worries and move on. But I'm stuck, and I have been driven lower and lower as the day has progressed. The guilt I feel about work is manageable. The guilt I feel for having shared my home-life is not. I am being haunted by thoughts of my GP questioning me about the children, and why I'm still with Dave, that my Psych told her last week that I won't get better while I'm still with him. I think about what might happen if she ignores my email, sees that it's only half the truth. I won't survive if they come knocking, won't survive my self hatred, or that of my husband.

I think that I shouldn't feel as I do, I should feel lucky, count my blessings, not feel so depressed, buck up, get out. I should be well, I'm not helping myself, what am I doing wrong, why do I just cry and cry, I'm having all these pills and still I am at the bottom of the pit. I just wanted to go to my room to rest after tea, but it's turned into a flood of tears when I least expected it. I'm feeling REALLY lonely.

The house is quiet. Dave is out, Sam not home. It's late, he's at a friends house, but I still want him home. I haven't asked him how his driving lesson was. Poppy is on face book. No surprise there, she is happy. I painted her cream walls a second coat this afternoon. Looking better. Just need to do the purple a second time then it's finished.

It's Guy Fawkes Night (aka Bonfire Night/ Fireworks Night) tomorrow, 5th November. I don't suppose you celebrate it? I think I'll watch from the garden, have a good view across the valley of everyone else's fireworks! Dave is providing music of some description (via ipod!) and Poppy is excited to see all her friends. I hope the rain stays away for them all.

I'm feeling a bit better talking to you, thank you. Where would I be without you I wonder?

Good night Kate, I wish I could find my blue glass key ring.. :(

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

It is not surprising you are feeling like you do. Anyone would be frightened about the possibility of Social Services coming to their door. I would think something was wrong if you were not frightened! Being preoccupied is also very normal. It comes with having anxiety and stress like you do in your life. You feel very little is in your control yet everything is on your shoulders.

 

It is ok that you shared your information with the people in your life. Sometimes, those in authority positions feel the need to do something about what they hear, rather than just listen and understand. Doctors especially feel that responsibility. Everyone is fearful that they will hear that you and the kids are trapped in their with Dave and he will go off one day and do something horrible and they will blame themselves. Plus, doctors and other professionals are mandated reporters. So if they hear about abuse, they must report it. That is probably what happened in your case.

 

But your feelings about the situation are very normal. You have been through so much lately and are coping with trying to grow as a person, get out of your situation, physical illness, work and being there for your kids. Now this on top of it. Counting your blessings may help, but it does not solve the problems you have. It is ok to feel down. Especially since everyone who is helping you in your life participated in causing this situation. Not out of malice, but none the less, their actions left you feeling isolated.

 

This too shall pass. You will get through it and one day you will look back on it as a bad time but nothing more. I am here to help anytime.

 

We don't have Guy Fawkes night but it sounds like our fourth of July. I hope it goes well and you have fun.

 

I'll be thinking of you, Rose.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you for such a sensible post, you are right with every aspect, and I appreciate your honesty and support. I have had a better day, not dwelling so much on the thoughts that bump about, I have been too busy for too much of that, so I am grateful for having the kids around me today.

After waiting for Sam to walk through the door at any moment last night, and having reached 10pm with no sign of him, he at last realized I had been trying to get hold of him and he rang me. Bless him, he was so upset that he'd forgotten to tell me that his evenings plans had changed and that he was staying at his girlfriends! But it made me realize how much I miss him when he isn't home.

I eventually got to sleep after tossing and turning for an age, and awoke at 2.30 to a heavy base sound (despite being half deaf, and wearing earplugs!). I got up to investigate (no chance of dropping off again) and D was playing a CD that he and his fellow musicians had recorded during the week. He was excited (plenty of beer and wine on board) to tell me it was his music, I should listen..... maybe you can guess my response -ever polite of course!- had I been cross it would have been marked down as a nagging session.

I've put up Poppy's shelves this afternoon and she's started to move her things back in and it's looking a bit more cosy. She wants to get some indian design curtains (cream against the 'pomegranate' wall, and other Indian style decorative items, bells, and dream-catchers. Glad Christmas is coming...I'll post you some more pics one day soon.

I've died Poppy's hair red! It was really scary applying the dye, it was literally the colour of bright red blood! Now she's washed it out and it's taken to her underlying colour which was already bquite deark, it's a lovely rich deep autumn red, better than her previous purple tinge. She says this is the colour she wants to stay with, so I'm happier about that (but I do love her natural brown all the more, but I have to go with the flow! Today 2 more piercings were requested- her nose and belly! I said steady on please.......)

I've just come in from the garden where Lola and I had a perfect view of the firework display from the village field. It was a well orchestrated show, no pregnant pauses, and plenty of variety. It was bizarre though with the sound delay, I timed it to 3 seconds, no wind at all, seeing the bangs before hearing them! And I thought it was a mile for each second (between thunder and lightening anyway), the display was a mile away at the most.

Not quite sure what to expect for the rest of the evening- D may stay and drink there, or he may come home then go out again... Poppy is with friends, home late no doubt. I have to wait up to collect Sam from work. Otherwise I have the house to myself, and I'm covered in dogs (well 2 anyway) just enough room for my netbook!

Catch you later (maybe)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I am glad you are feeling better today! I can hear it in your "voice". I am always happy to be there for you, anytime.

 

Dave sounds like an adolescent without any rules! Waking you up in the middle of the night and expecting you to not complain? Whoa. I think most people would have torn him to bits. And you had every right to do so.

 

Poppy's room sounds very nice. Indian designs would be pretty. I can't wait to see pictures. My middle daughter is into Japanese Anime so we did the purple paint with cherry blossom appliqués over her bed. I also found a very pretty cherry blossom bedspread with matching sheets and curtains. I'm still working on getting the curtains set up. I think I may need new rods.

 

I love your expression "steady on". I think it's equivalent to our "one step at a time", which I use often with my teen and almost teen girls. They do come up with some very unsettling ideas, don't they?! So when you catch your breath, tell me what happens with the nose and belly piercings!

 

Enjoy your time alone at home. Even though you love your kids, time alone is to be savored!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I'm smiling Kate, thank you.
I wonder what it would be like for me if I hadn't met you, had you to talk to, think about, guide me and hold me up. I value your company in word and spirit so much, I feel I would be quite empty and alone without you.
Goodness, Japanese Anime, I'm not entirely sure what that is, even after googling it, but the cherry blossom sounds delightful, and I'm all for purple, good for daughter number 2!!
Yes D is quite impossible- he seemed pleased to see me in the middle of the night, looking dreadful no doubt, and he just wanted me to stay, listen, be happy!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could press the ejector seat sometimes :)
Poppy is back, had a good time, though she got caught up on a barbed wire fence and tore her new trousers an inch, and her hoodie sleeve a lot. She rang me from the field upset, but I'm sure I can sort it out, a bit of bond-a-web and a few sutures... But no sign of D, Poppy says he's probably moved along the valley to his pub, she didn't see him when she left.
Just waiting for Sam to ring for collection, then I'm going to have a tot of Ginger wine, and hope that will help with my insomnia! (bought it today with night sedation in mind, I know I'm not supposed to drink, but when I asked my GP about it months ago she said it'll just make me more quickly drunk with the Mirtazapine- is that right? Not that I have any desire to be drunk!)
Goodnight. No green accept button tonight?
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ejector seat, indeed, Rose! I can't imagine where you get your patience with his behavior.

 

I can only hope I have been that much help to you. I am glad to hear you think so, though. I want to always be here for you for as long as you need me.

 

If you go to Amazon.com and look up reusable wall decals- Sakura blossoms, you will see what we used in daughter #2's room. It is the one with the bicycle (though we didn't use the bike!). It actually looks really good on the purple wall. Go figure.

 

Poor Poppy, I hope she is ok. You are quite creative fixing her clothes with bond a web. I have to take a look for some to get for our clothes, just in case.

 

Yes, drinking alcohol with Mirtazapine will cause an increase problems with coordination and it also can cause sleepiness. But since you are not going anywhere or operating heavy machinery, you are probably fine. If your doctor ok'd it, then it should be alright to do. You may want to try just a little bit at first to see how you react.

 

Have a good night, Rose. We turn our clocks back tonight so I will be closer to your schedule by morning. Hopefully that means we can connect more often.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

I hope you used your extra hour in bed for a well deserved lie-in! So I guess we're back to 6 hours apart again. You're day will be dawning very soon, I hope it will be as gloriously sunny as it is here, the trees look beautiful in their golden autumn coats, but they will be lost all too soon, so have to make the most of them for the next week or two. Poppy and I will be out with her pony shortly, just gathering my strength for the effort. But it will be worth it.

Poppy tells me this morning that she was awoken by D's loud music in the middle of the night, but I missed it this time. However, when he started to play the piano, well that had me alert and orientated!! But I declined to challenge him this time, Poppy tells me she was up stairs to ask for peace. I remember (and I told him) the time when he wanted to sleep and Poppy had a friend to sleep over, and he was disturbed by their giggling..... he was very cross with her for that. The ginger wine was very nice, and I believe it helped me drop off, but maybe I should have it a while before I plan to sleep as I still tossed around for long enough.

Kate, that's amazing! Your daughter (who's name is elusive!) has wall deco so similar to mine- I have blossom branches in black with various butterflies, some over my window, and some over my bed! I've been trying to persuade Poppy to have some too, but so far she's not too sure. They are great ways to decorate, I love them :)

Bond-a-web, wunder-web, it has all sorts of names- yes, very useful to have in your sewing kit. I'll get to work on it tomorrow. Hope you have a lovely Autumnal day, still no snow?

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I did get some chance to sleep a little, but we had church this morning so we eventually had to get up and go!

 

So what do you feel is doing on with Dave? Why is he suddenly acting out like this, or is this something that he has been doing? Do you feel last night is about him paying Poppy back for her giggling with her friends?

 

I am not sure I am allowed to say any personal information on JA. Sorry about that! I try to keep it within the rules. We can call her N if that helps. I don't think that is not allowed.

 

I always thought your room would be beautiful with those decals. Butterfly's are a perfect theme for you.

 

It is sunny here today for a change, but a bit cold. That's ok, I don't mind it. The leaves are all but gone, which is kind of sad. I really love the colors.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Yes, definitely getting colder, even with the sun shining. I don't mind the cold either, but hate the wind when it bites! No, of course you shouldn't give personal details, N is just fine, I'm having fun guessing, lots of things

Dave, well, he's just in a world of his own, selfish, no thought for anyone else. That's him isn't it? Maybe if he didn't have the drink on board he would be a bit more thoughtful, not a lot, just a tad! No, I'm sure the giggling episode was nowhere in his thoughts, that was a couple of months ago, he will have forgotten, but I sure haven't. Sleep undisturbed last night. :)

My parents invited me for coffee this morning. It's next-door-but-one, and as I walked around the corner I saw that my brother was there. I haven't seen him to talk to since the wedding reception a few months ago. My heart sank as I called at the house; I was desperate not to be left in the room with him on my own, but my parents were both in the kitchen making coffee. He and I covered the pleasantries, then he asked if Sam had learnt which side of the road to drive on yet. You may remember me telling you a few weeks ago on the first occasion that I took Sam on the road, my brother flew around a corner of a country lane (as is his way) and Sam had to stop. There is no right or wrong side of the road in the country when there is only a single track, and we just have to be a bit more careful with our speed. Anyway, I had a lecture on how best to teach your child to drive, how he did it with his girls. Silly I know, but I felt he'd moved on from direct attacks on me to indirect attacks on me through mine. I spent much of the coffee time watching him and remembering back many years.

The conversation turned to my parents field, which has been used as a dumping ground for both my brother, and my husband. They asked Richard if he would mind moving certain piles of scrap metal, and clearing out their barn. He was quite happy to oblige. They asked me if I'd mind asking D to clear HIS pile of scrap metal, and get rid of the hut that has smashed windows, roof torn off, holes in the floor, full of junk. There is a picture of it somewhere {oh yeah, Oct 17th bottom pic]. I said I'd do my best. Well the reaction was a little more unpleasant than I had anticipated, declaring that my parents were weird to want things to be tidied away, it's just a field for ~ sake, I've got enough on my plate to be bothered with sorting that out, do you know how long that will take me? That'll be 'so' many days that I'm not making money (!) The things I do for your parents (almost nothing), stab stab stab! I said what do you want me to tell them then? He left, subject closed. Now, next time I ask him will be the last time, and I anticipate a worse reaction. Sadly I'll have to pass it over to my parents- Mum will tell him what she thinks. Dad is too polite. He gave up waiting for D to fix the slate, just one slate, that's why my brother was there this morning. I've stopped sticking up for him (though I don't run him down either) and I try not to be embarrassed by him anymore.

I've been trying not to think that I should be at work today, I know that I'd not have coped physically had I been there, so that makes me feel a bit better. I emailed the ward last Friday, but have not had a reply so far. I know it's right that I'm not at work, and I must make the most of this time to rest and get as well as I can.

Mark came by this morning. Luckily I had to leave for my parents after 20 minutes, so it was short lived. I could really do without his attention right now. He's off on his own for a few days in Cornwall, and was fishing to see if I'd want a day out with him.

I've put up a few more of my decals this afternoon, I've been taking it slowly. I think they are a fantastic invention, great that they can be moved around... I love them!

Hope you are OK

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like your time at your parent's home was challenging. I am interested in your view of what your brother said to you about Sam's driving and the lecture he gave you. You described it as an attack. Was he always like this with you? How do you feel about how he treats you?

 

Self centered behavior is a choice. And I think Dave makes that choice because he feels he can get away with it. He also drinks because that is a self centered choice as well. Whenever you deal with someone who is drunk, you become the responsible person because the person who is using is no longer able to watch out for themselves or anyone else. Alcohol takes away responsibility. Much like XXXXX XXXXXves the rest of his life. He is responsible only for what he chooses to be responsible for. So when it comes to your parent's request for him to clean his mess, he reacts with anger and blame "all I did for them and they do this to me". Instead of taking responsibility for the mess he made and seeing how it could impact others, he becomes defensive and refuses to take responsibility. His self centeredness will not change unless he wants it to change. And right now, it works for him. He has no reason or motivation to change.

 

Your mother telling Dave what she thinks is good. But it may not have any effect if Dave feels she has no power over him. Without your father backing her up or any other consequence to his refusal to clean his mess, Dave will most likely ignore your mother.

 

Regarding your parents, how do you feel about their roles in your life? Do you feel you identify with either of your parents more than the other?

 

Guilt about not being at work is normal. Most people feel that way when they are responsible productive members of society. Think of it as if you were at work and one of your co workers had to be off sick. How would you feel about them?

 

I am glad you were able to avoid spending too much time with Mark. He is not one to give up easily!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

me again! I wrote this post mostly yesterday, but ran out of brain power to finish it, so it might seem a bit muddly since I just been back to it in between food prep etc! And it's unedited!!

I’ve been thinking about you going to Church as a family, united in your belief and believing with certainty. I felt a need to be with you, share with you without question or comebacks. As you know I went to a Roman Catholic Convent School, and had a strict Religious Education, attending the Convent Chapel and having my own Rosary Beads. My family are all regular Church of England worshipers, my mother’s grandfather was a Vicar of a Parish in Southern Ireland where she was born. I attended Church Services every Sunday, Sunday School, then choir member. I knew the whole of the service off by heart, and almost every hymn in the hymn book. I loved singing in the choir, and would often solo during communion. I enjoyed reading the Bible, and liked the ‘stories’. I never once doubted the existence of God, and prayed every night, and I did without doubt find comfort from thinking of him and praying..

When I left home I attended Church, but I was alone. I had been used to knowing everyone in the choir and congregation in the village church, and now I went alone and knew no-one, though they were friendly and welcoming. After meeting Tony I went to his Church with him and his family, and was soon part of their congregation and felt much more comfortable. On my rare visits home I would continue to accompany my parents to our Church in the village. When I met Dave, he was keen to take part, please, join me at Church when I visited home. We didn’t talk deeply about beliefs that I can remember, his family were intermittent Church goers- Christmas, Easter, but I felt comfortable that he was a Christian. We planned to get married, and arranged a Church Wedding. He continued to join me at Church Services when I visited home.

At some point since we married he became increasingly damning of the Church, the Bible, and all religions. I avoided any topics related to God, as it was impossible to have a reasonable conversation with him. This included the Religious meaning of Christmas, Easter, etc, and so trying to educate the children in these areas while he was in earshot was not possible. I would be accused of brainwashing the children, or telling them stories that weren’t true, or lying to them. There have been many many occasions when he would choose a topic for conversation at supper time, and involve religion and it’s negative effects on the modern world, as indeed throughout history. I am unable to disagree with him on many counts, he is full of facts that he has picked up from watching TV programmes, and I agree Religion does have plenty to answer for.

He watches any TV programmes he can to arm himself with facts against God and Christianity. The only novel he’s read in the last 10 years or more is the Davinci Code. He pokes at the Vatican for not allowing scientists access to the Shroud of Turin. Yet, he currently dips into Bhagavad Gita, As It Is, an Ancient Sanskrit translation, which teaches how to translate one’s work into yoga (he has no interest in yoga), and how to experience God in all things. He doesn’t say a word against it. Therefore I am confused. Every available opportunity he is ‘at’ the Church- hammer hammer, I mustn’t say a word, I can’t say a word. Anyone else who tries (eg my Sister) is beaten back, no you’re WRONG (he loves that word) his voice several decibels louder than anyone else trying to talk calmly. I’m trying really hard to hold on to what I was brought up with, what I believe, but it is fading. I go to Church with my parents occasionally. I try to interest the children, but they only join me at Christmas. He doesn’t stop me from going, but he doesn’t hide his displeasure and incomprehension of my desire to go. He soon has something to say about it, and he knows that I can’t answer him back. I am beaten in every respect. I see families together , wife supported by husband, children being nurtured by their togetherness.

D doesn’t want the children to have RE lessons, he thinks that it should be outlawed, banned, replaced by latin!! I tell him that RE covers a wide range of beliefs and morals, and isn’t just Bible stories. He thinks that children are being brainwashed into believing in God by what is being taught in school. I tell him that RE in schools has to be very broad to cover the diversity of beliefs that there are amongst it’s pupils, and is often more about morals, Good Samaritans, and being good citizens. Children can be removed from lessons, but that would put that child in an uncertain position for ridicule. He has never gone so far as to say he wanted the children removed from lessons, but there is always an undercurrent of disapproval, and I am very careful not to broach the subject while he is around.

Not too sure where I’m going with this, but I feel that I am insecure with my beliefs as I am in all other areas of my life. Perhaps you can make something of what I’ve written and offer me some guidance.

Thank you Kate, as ever.

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ps this last post will keep, just wanted to get it sent; you have plenty to be doing no doubt, so no rush!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am so glad you shared this with me, Rose.

 

I think that what you are dealing with here is not so much about beliefs as it is about Dave asserting himself into your beliefs (as he does in other areas of your life) and trying to fight against God. He probably attended church with you early on because it was his way of getting into your life and trying to prove he is something he is not. That is one possibility. The other is that he may have had beliefs but that he has since shed them in favor of his own path.

 

Dave may not like the idea of God being in his life because God represents a father and we His children. Whatever Dave's experiences with his own father and the effects it has had on him, it seems to have caused him to outright reject any type of authority in his life. He not only doesn't tolerate the thought of anyone trying to tell him what to do, he goes so far as making up when someone is trying to control him, such as he does with accusing you of "nagging" him, just because he sees it everywhere.

 

His attempt to control what your children learn is an extension of this feeling. He is frightened and angry about the thought that God would be part of his children's lives and therefore replace him. He probably does not want the kids to not need him, and in his self centered way of seeing it, God would take his place.

 

The whole situation is an extension of his need to control and to rail out against authority. People who are angry about God are usually using something that happened in their lives and transferring onto a relationship with God.

 

Think of what God represents. Then think of what Dave represents. They are two different things. And if Dave was to believe in God, he would have to give up all he has done to protect himself and control his world. It doesn't fit in a relationship with God so he makes sure he has all the information he feels he needs to push God out of his life. And anyone who challenges that cannot be heard. Dave wants complete control when in reality he has none.

 

But this does not mean that you have to give up your beliefs. You and Dave are two different people. He is not in control of what you believe, though he would like to be. There is no rule that says you cannot go to church. There is also no rule that says you have to keep your children away from what you believe. As they get older, the kids can make their own choices. What they see from Dave should only be half of their choices. They also deserve to see what you believe. It gives them more balance. Seeing you shut down and removed from expressing your beliefs to them is more of Dave's bullying.

 

You desire to have your family be united in attending church and believing in God. You may not be able to get that with Dave, but you can with your children. Dave may try to prevent it. But working around that and connecting with your children with your beliefs is much more of a priority than what Dave feels about it. This is part of getting yourself and the kids away from Dave so you can live out your beliefs and who you are as people. Dave is much like a dictatorship, he tries to control everything. It is hard, but getting out from under that control and living your life as you want to live it is the only way to become whole again. One of the ways to start is to make prayer part of your life, if it is not already. What a person cannot do alone, God can do.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate

I am maddened! I’ve been writing for half an hour and it’s gone. I keep forgetting that happens sometimes.

I'll get back to you tomorrow, but I want to say how much better I understand this now. I've been meaning to talk to you about it for a while, I have mentioned it briefly before, but yesterday seemed the right time to come back to it.

Til tomorrow (I'm with Alexis)

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I am so sorry! That is terribly frustrating. I lost an answer myself last week. I almost cried!

 

I am glad my answer helped. I was touched that you asked me about it. Anytime you want to talk about it more, just let me know.

 

Have a good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hello Kate

Hope you are OK

I'm wordless today, talk tomorrow

Rose :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Sounds good. I'll be here. I hope you have a good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

I feel so horrible I almost can't write, but I'm missing you so much, and need to talk. Sam and I can hardly bear it in this house anymore, D is pushing me to the limit with his self-centredness. But it seems so petty I can hardly write about it. He is definitely siding with Poppy, trying really hard to have her with him, to the apparent exclusion of Sam and me. He was behaving in his usual 'I am right' manner about teachers and schools, Spanish and languages in general. Nothing I said was worth listening to. He was focusing on Poppy, she was listening to his stories of corporal punishment in his school, and about the teacher who teased him for having a stammer. She and Sam were both appalled at his stories, and Sam was trying to add to the conversation, that was definitely being dominated by Poppy and D. After being ignored for the second time he got upset and D and P said they didn't even realise he was listening or trying to join them. I'd given up by now, but I was aware of Sam's attempts at conversation, and I said that they should allow others a voice. There was an enormous disagreement and Sam was left feeling that he didn't matter. He said to me that he doesn't see why she likes him so much; I said he's trying really hard to be close to her. He said, he's not trying with me at all. D came over, wanted to know what we were talking about. I told him this is the second time this week that Sam has tried to be part of the conversation, and he has just been cut out. Dave again said he didn’t even notice Sam was there, let alone trying to have a say, so deeply was he involved with Poppy (she didn’t notice him either, but she was turned away from him.) Sam said all he wants is an apology. He didn’t get one from D,. just ‘get back out to your room to your new Game (Xbox) So he left.

(in fact I wrote to you about the other episode the other day, Monday maybe, didn’t post it. I’ll add it here;

D was dominating conversation at the supper table. He was telling us of a University led research into academic achievement comparing the child's month of birth and therefore their age in the school year. His birthday is XXXXX end of August, Sam's the end of July. The research found that there was a 20% difference in achievement between the youngest and oldest within the school year, and I was not a bit surprised at this result, and told him it was a foregone conclusion.
Next topic was something to do with the Romans and ancestry, a programme that he had watched (most of his conversations are related to what he has heard on the radio, or watched on the tele), and Sam was attempting to be polite and be part of the conversation. He tried on two occasions to speak, and was interrupted by D. I wasn't rude, I didn't tell D he should listen to others, when there was a quick pause I jumped in and asked Sam what he was going to say. Of course he had forgotten. He got up and said politely... it's interesting Dad, but you do dominate the conversation... Sam left the room, and I said D really should listen to other people speak and not talk over them. He said to me that I like to put people down. I'm told I was putting him down by saying the research was a foregone conclusion... I said it's obvious to all us mums, we've been talking about it for years, and was certainly not an intentional put-down....)

The thing that is making me feel so horrible is that Sam and I want out so badly, but Poppy is drawn in by his immature ‘sense of humour’ and he is definitely trying to get closer to her, his conversation was totally on Poppy, and she seems to agree with his strong opinions, not completely, but he is so pushy with them she seems to absorb them. I felt that I won’t be able to break free with both the children, and have been imagining myself and Sam leaving Dave and Poppy, but that would break my heart. I still feel so stuck, torn. Poppy came to apologise to me, but I just cried. I couldn’t stop it, and she cried too. She tried to apologise to Sam, but he wouldn’t accept it, and she cried again. I am feeling totally messed up.

There’s more I want to say, but I’m hurting too much to type any more. I’ll try again later.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it is a difficult dilemma that Dave has created. But at this point, are you sure Poppy is not willing to come with you if you leave? She may be showing that she is interested in Dave while she is home with him, but if faced with a choice, she may instinctively know that staying with Dave is not a good idea and choose to go with you.

 

There comes a point in which trying to reason with Dave is fruitless. He watches these programs and works on gathering facts because he likes to appear knowledgeable. He also uses it to make himself feel more important and above others. He "forces" these stories and facts on all of you because he knows you and the kids will listen. You feel you have little choice. He acts like a bully and makes you pay if you do not listen.

 

But no matter how much you listen and agree, Dave will probably never be happy. Because the issue is not about sharing information and having you appreciate it. It is that Dave uses it to bolster his ego and makes himself feel important by forcing you to listen. And as long as Dave doesn't see this as an issue, he will continue to do it.

 

Poppy listens because she is trying to cope with Dave's overbearing behavior by giving in and identifying with him. This is her way to survive in the situation. So she laughs at his stories and tries to make light of his issues. This helps her avoid being a target of Dave's and lets her feel she belongs. Look how both you and Sam are treated when you do not agree or you try to bring up your own opinion with him. You get shot down and even yelled at. Poppy wants to avoid this type of attention. So she goes along with Dave to avoid being a target and to win favor from Dave. It is her way of coping.

 

If you are thinking of leaving, you may want to consult an attorney about your rights to your children. This will help you know what to do if Dave tries to cause problems for you when you leave. Any knowledge you have of your rights is going to make your situation easier. And this will help in case Poppy does have difficulty with her choice. No one should not try doing something like this alone.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for making so much sense Kate. I knew you would help me to see straight, though the muddle remains. I don't think Poppy would last long with Dave, but I know she won't come quietly.

Good night Kate. You're support is truly astounding.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! I am sorry about Poppy. The psychological stresses of dealing with an abusive situation are overwhelming. One step at a time and take a deep breath. Taking care of yourself sometimes needs to be a priority so you can handle the rest. Maybe some downtime tomorrow?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good morning Kate (though it's dark here now!)

I have been fretting today about last night. I took Sam to College this morning and we talked about it. His negative feelings towards D are increasing by the day, and he just wishes that P would see that he is trying his hardest to hold on to base through her. I haven't heard from my GP or anyone else. K wrote to her again this week and told her that she wanted to make sure she understood that there was no physical abuse, and that I was really scared of external involvement, especially from the SS. But I think I'm happy now that she knows what's been going on (though I did say I would never tell anyone else), K feels better that she has alerted my GP to 'watch my back'. Sam has an appointment with the College Counselor in a couple of weeks, he made the move through his tutor, so I'm glad for him. Still no appointment with CAMHs yet, but we have had a letter to confirm that he is now in the system!

I've been home alone today (yeah!) and have been tidying and sorting. I feel better when I've done something constructive, but it is exhausting! The farrier came to see the lame Shetland on Tuesday, and I was so pleased to let her out of her stable yesterday and watch her running about. She is back to her naughty self, but her kicks never do much damage! And she is the one who ploughs through the electric fencing, the other didn't touch the fence while she was shut in. It's always the little ones that cause the trouble!

Mark is in Cornwall for some alone time. He sent me a long text today from a beach where he was sitting sketching. He said he'd been sitting there reading my poems, wishing I was there with him. He sent me another almost immediately , asked me to come down for a day 'pinch a day and share with me, do it for you. Surely you can find one day for you before I come home, come see me.' I haven't replied. I won't go, but I wish he wouldn't ask.

D is home early today, no drinking on his way home for a change. Last night was fueled by beer, there's no hiding it. Maybe he's out later. I hope so. I've tried to have some down time this afternoon, tried to sleep but the phone kept ringing (not that I answer it, only when I know it's Poppy.) If the phone rings at 15.25, it's Poppy! She was very excited to tell me that Psychology was on her option list for GCSE, but rather upset that she has to do a language!

Time to get up and sort out a meal. I'll catch you later,

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

It sounds like the situation with K and your doctor turned out well. I am glad that it has been clarified and that everyone is on the same page with your situation. You need allies right now and not more problems.

 

I think Sam may have a difficult time getting Poppy on his side or to even see that he is working to hold on to a base with her. She has her own defenses around Dave and his behavior and to let them go would cause her too much anxiety. She needs to keep the illusion in her mind that being on Dave's side sometimes works to keep her out of the line of his wrath. She also needs to have some belief that Dad is not all that bad and that sometimes he is the good guy. To believe otherwise right now would shatter her world can cause her too much pain.

 

Sam seems to be at his limit with Dave. Do you feel it is safe to have them in the same home together? Just have to ask. Being pushed to the limit emotionally and continually abused can cause some people to act out violently even if they are not typically that way in personality.

 

If you don't mind me saying, Mark is sounding a bit like Dave in his persistence of you coming to see him in Cornwall. Do you feel he understands your reasons for not wanting a relationship with him? Does it seem one sided to you?

 

I'm glad to hear the Shetland is feeling better. They do have their own personalities!

 

Poppy is taking Psychology! Well, if she needs help......Wink

 

Talk to you later, Rose!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

You have me smiling again, thanks. :) Yes, Poppy is very excited about psychology, she starts it next September. Will be sure to ask you for homework help!

Well, I was wrong, D wasn't home after all. He did come home for a short while, but soon went out again, I didn't discover he'd gone until I called him for supper. And yes, he went to the pub. But the children and I had a lovely quiet and happy mealtime. He came home after we'd all gone our separate ways, so no repeat of last night.

You're right about Poppy. I would feel terrible turning her world and securities upside down. I need to keep her spirits up, and I can't willfully go between her and D unless she becomes unsafe. She forgets the times when she 'hates' him, and is taking all she can from him now he is being upbeat with her, whether sober or not. I don't want her to feel pain.

Do you mean that Sam may be at risk of starting a fight with Dave if he is pushed hard enough? Most of his anger so far has been directed at his toilet door, which he has now destroyed completely, and burnt on a bonfire. More recently he has been punching the wall and fridge. He has tried to hit his dad on one or two occasions (so has Poppy) which has resulted in a punch from D in return, so there is definitely scope for more to come. He was bullied at school on many occasions, and often would retaliate physically. The last event was in his final year at school; someone, who knew he had an apple in the front pocket of his schoolbag trampled on it, and so when Sam went to his bag for something found squashed apple all over his things. He was in-sensed, took the pulped apple and rubbed it in the hair of the boy who had trodden on it. The boy, boarding from China and 2 years older and huge, took Sam outside and beat him up against a wall. It wasn't possible for Sam to fight back, he was too scared as well as being overwhelmed by size, but generally he's not afraid to stand up for himself.

Yes, Mark is isn't he. I don't mind you saying at all. He is being rather pushy. I've just texted him to have a good time, but said I won't be coming. Sigh.

K suggested I looked at becoming an expert. I've been reading up, but looks too scary! I'll let you know. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I don't think leaving Dave will be a bad thing for Poppy. She reacts as she does because she is in the situation right now. Out of it, she may react totally different. She would no longer be faced with coping with Dave's behavior directly and be under his control. She might take time to adjust to being away from him, but in the long run it would be healthier for her.

 

It sounds like Sam has a lot of rage. He is angry and most of it probably has to do with dealing with Dave. Men like to feel they can fix things and have some control over their lives and situations. With a father like Dave, he takes away all power and then abuses as he does it. This not only makes Sam feel powerless, he also feels useless to protect you and Poppy and he is made to feel worthless. This can add up to some powerful rage. As you said, he is overreacting to situations in his life where he does have some control. Even with the threat of being beat up by the student from China, Sam still could not control his rage and went after him.

 

This is a concern around Dave. There is no way to tell if Sam will ever react with all his rage, but that is the problem. There is no way to tell. If Dave would push just one too many buttons or one day go after you or Poppy and really hurt you, Sam may act out violently. The best option for Sam is to get out of the stouten and have you and Poppy go with him. That is best case scenario. I am not trying to push an agenda here. This is purely from a psychological perspective as to what would be best in an abusive situation.

 

It is good that Sam has a chance to see a counselor soon. He needs to have a way to vent how he feels and develop ways to cope better under the stress.

 

I would love to work with you Rose! You'd be very good. Let me know if you go for it.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I think Sam is quick to retaliate, he has had to put up with a lot from kids at school, from Primary through to secondary, often bc he wasn't good at sport, was unco-ordinated, couldn't catch a ball, kick well, all the things that boys are good at. He was a gentle soul, very sensitive, but he has developed a tougher skin, and won't let people get at him, so he wasn't good at letting things ride, he had to deal with them as he got older and didn't feel he could cry about things anymore. It's the same when it comes to Dave, he does bully him, pick on him, put him down. There is rarely a warming up period, he defends by return. But he was quite mild last night, more saddened I feel by Dave's ignorance. I will watch carefully, but I am glad he has his counsellor appointment, and maybe he could be offered anger management once he has seem the CAMHs.

I have ANOTHER pleading text from Mark, 'I can't tell you how much it would mean to me to see you and you see the real me. Would love to make a special moment for us. Imagine how amazing it would be, rare opportunity, will be out of this world to see you'. He has no idea what's been going on here, just knows things aren't too good. If he knew he'd probably not talk to D or work with him again. Some things need to be kept quiet, I've no desire to share with him,which makes it all the more difficult when he keeps turning up unannounced.

Goodnight Kate,

Rose

ps. D said earlier, 'I foolishly said I would be on a job at 8am tomorrow, which will mean I'll have to leave at 7.30. Is anyone up at 7ish?' I said I'm up at 6.20 every morning. He said, I didn't know that! I make him a coffee at 8, and he's up sometime after that. He went to bed early tonight, and has been fussing about the tele, talking, dogs barking! Pay back time. :)

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Sam has had it really tough. He had the bullying at school and at home. It is not surprising he is acting out with anger. But he does have you to help him and the counseling will also help a great deal.

 

Boy, Mark is really focused on getting you to come to see him. This sounds like a very bad situation and maybe one just like with Dave. It's good you keep telling him no, but he does not seem to be accepting it. Do you feel Mark could become a bigger problem?

 

Sharing your home life with Mark is not a good idea. I agree with you. The less he knows, the better.

 

I hope you have a good night! Let me know how tomorrow goes for you (and Dave!),

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

I've spent some of this morning with my aunt, and the rest walking the dogs in the rain! My aunt seemed OK. She pays me for sorting her house for her, and it takes me a good 2 hours. I've always worked for 2 hours, and she has always paid me for 2 hours. Lately, though, she has been getting muddled, my fault maybe, bc sometimes I can only cope with one hour, so of course that is all she pays me for. Today it was 2 hours. She remembered she owed me a couple of pounds for last week, but only got out enough money for one hour, plus the extra. I've had this trouble several times recently, and it always makes me feel bad asking for the right money if she has short changed me. So when she only gave me half what she owed I said I'd worked 2 hours for her today, so it's £ amount more. She said 'but I've given you ££ more already', I said, OK, it doesn't matter, and left her. I'm cross with myself that I can't be assertive enough to get my dues, once before I let it drop too, but when I press her for correctness I feel like I'm taking advantage of her, bc she doesn't understand. You hear of the elderly being ripped off by their carers bc they aren't totally in control of their memories, and I feel like that's me. One week I wrote it down on a piece of paper, showed her why it came to so much, then she spent 20 minutes looking in her purse for money for me. When she didn't have enough she said she'd write a cheque, then didn't know how to write it, how much to pay me; I said you sign it, I'll write the rest. I did feel like a thief. Anyway, I've decided to try to stick to an hour if I can get it all done in time, then I won't have this problem every week!

Mmm, Mark. It's not good is it. I'm trying not to think about it, I haven't replied to his last pleading text, but I guess I should. Mark hasn't been around for quite a while, but suddenly he's back with full force. He could well become a bigger problem, and I should nip it in the bud. He has gone away for think and quiet time (like I did), should I ignore his last text or tell him No. I feel I might upset his time out.....

I called D at 6.40 this morning! He went off at 7.45, a days labour in the rain, demolishing some decking on a static caravan site. I don't expect to see him til late tonight, he has to drive past his pub on the way home.

I'm determined to finish Painting the purple in Poppy's room now, though she'll be phoning for a lift home from the bus in an hour. Better get my skates on then.....

Good to talk to you, til later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good afternoon, Rose!

 

I understand your feelings about being assertive with your aunt. It is hard to ask for what you need. It is common that women feel they need to serve before they meet their own needs. So this is only partly you and partly the nature of our culture and gender.

 

Learning to be more assertive is a process. For a woman, healthy is balancing your needs with the need to serve. Right now, you ignore your own needs totally in favor of others, to the point you are put down. Being more assertive can help you get your needs met while still being there to help others.

 

The situation with your aunt is unique. She is elderly and has a disability. Taking advantage does come to mind because of these issues. But this is not one of those situations. You are actually protecting her from possible abuse. You can be trusted to not over charge her and to take care of her. After all, you walked away several times short changed for your work. Who else outside of family who cared would do that? Certainly not a cleaning agency or a stranger. You fill a service for your aunt that is valuable by helping her and protecting her. Asking for the compensation you agreed on is not out of line. That is not taking advantage.

 

Although your aunt has difficulty understanding and remembering, it is still not wrong to ask for your money. Have you tried making an agreement, writing it out and placing it where she can read it like on a note board? Maybe writing it all out would help, such as giving her a "bill" when you are done with the amount of hours you worked. If she doesn't have the funds, then decide if you are ok with an IOU or just letting it go. You need to check in with yourself about what is ok with you first before you decide. Otherwise, you end up feeling resentful and shortchanged.

 

Meanwhile, we can talk about using techniques to help you be more assertive in other situations, including with Mark. I agree with you, heading this situation off now is a good idea. Telling him outright that you are not interested in a relationship is one way. But this is a good place to stop and assess what technique to use in being more assertive. Let's look at how to approach him. Given his persistence and his personality, what do you feel would be the most effective method of getting your point across? Factor in what has worked before and what you have observed about him. You may feel the need to dampen your response with how you feel about it, but leave that out for now. What do you think?

 

Here is one another technique to try- practice not turning your needs into questions. For example, when you want Dave to do something, don't say "Is it alright if you clean this mess?". Instead say, "I need you to clean this mess". Using "I" statements helps you own it but it also gets your point across in an assertive way.

 

Although I used Dave as an example, you may want to hold off on using any techniques with him for a while, until you feel more comfortable. Try it with the kids and friends. People you feel more comfortable around.

 

This may take some time, but it is worth it. Asserting yourself will go a long way in building your self esteem and getting your needs met.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

....you can answer my every need, is there anything you don't know!?? :) Thank you, again.

I left my aunt cross, with myself, that I had forgotten how much she forgets. Her neighbour, who looks out for her when no-one else can, and who I also help out, came by and said don't forget we're putting Rose's rate up to £10,.. and I guess that's where the muddle began this time. I will tell her what time I begin next time, that it's 10 per hour, in fact I could even ask her if she wants me to do 1 or 2 hours, then she will know beforehand, and we can agree on the amount, write it down as you say, then she's got all that time to think about it.

So I was cross, and to be quite honest, had enough of cleaning for them, and it's more of a struggle than I care to admit. It's been at least 5 years now since their cleaner retired, and they were stuck, so I agreed to help them out. I've asked them a few times over the years, to look for someone else, they have, but not very hard, they want me to stay, and I'd worry about not being there for my aunt at least once per week so that I can observe her for a reasonable length of time. She has her meds in a day and time blister pack from the pharmacy now, so she has them all there to be taken, but looking at the packs there are missed doses already one week in. It's an improvement from not taking any at all anyway!!

I did feel resentful, and thought about the £10 that I wouldn't be getting all the while I worked in her neighbours house. Often I can't manage her as well, she is more able, but she was going out, popped in to say she'd left my money on the table, so I felt obliged to go to her too. Earn the money that I'd already earned! I know, I know, speak up woman. I will, next time. Yes, serve others, you're so right. That goes back a long way.

I like the I statement. I can see how that works. I hope I'll remember next time I need something doing- this weekend maybe. I still haven't replied to Mark. I feel bad, he'll be waiting. I'm actually finding it hard to communicate with him when he calls by, probably bc his visit is unwelcome, and I have so much banging around in my head to know what to say to him. Last time he came too close I told him I couldn't handle the guilt of his attentions, he said he understood, and left me alone for a good year or more. Now he’s back again, and my head is in no better place to deal with him, I just need freedom from excess and unnecessary stress. But he keeps telling me that he is in love, that he looks at other women, but no-one comes close to me. I guess I should be flattered. I suppose I am, but it isn’t reciprocated. When we first spent a little time together almost 3 years ago, it was a little something I needed, an emotional affair, never anything more. But it tipped the balance for me, and down I fell, one of many reasons why I fell. Since I have been talking to you, several months ago, I told him to stay away, that it’s just too much for me right now- that’s when his wife threatened to tell D about his interest in me. That threat has been empty so far, but I don’t wish to find out.... So, how to deal? His personality... quiet, wants to please, even mannered, but very sensitive, and I expect easily hurt. That’s what I’m afraid of.

I finished painting Poppy’s room... yeah...it looks good. curtains and duvet cover, and a few lights and bits and bobs. Christmas is a-coming...

So with that day I’m quite done in, I’ll pay tomorrow no doubt. D rolled in, with van, after a good 4 hours at the pub, at 8pm. I just about said hello, then I had to drive to Exeter to pick Sam up. I could really do with a sober husband sometimes, I just needed my bed! When we got home an hour later D was snoring on the sofa. What is the point I ask myself. I heard him telling his nephew Jon a couple of weeks ago that alcohol can lead to an addiction as serious as heroin, that he wouldn’t go there, he saw his dad die of alcoholism, but he loves to drink, loves it, but he won’t be an alcoholic....

Goodnight dear Kate,

Rose

It's so strange talking about me

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

With your aunt and her friend, it is a difficult choice to know what to do. You feel an obligation but at the same time if it is too much work for you, quitting would be fine. After 5 years of working for them, that is adequate amount of time for them to find someone new. They obviously do not want to. But that does not mean you are obligated to stay. If you wish to leave, it is very reasonable for you to say I can no longer do this job (too busy, etc) and I will help you find someone new. I will quit after 1 week, 1 month (2 months, etc- whatever you want to say). That gives a reasonable explanation for your leaving and a time for them to replace you.

 

Being assertive doesn't mean you have to be mean. You can be very polite about it. As long as your words leave no wiggle room, you are being assertive. Saying you will give them 1 month (or whatever time frame) notice is a nice gesture. It gives them time and helps you to feel better about going. But sticking to it is the assertive part. You need to be nice but protect yourself at the same time.

 

Mark is another story. He is going to require a bit more assertiveness. He does not accept no very easily. This means you may need to step it up some and give him a "no choice" response that is explained very well. It will not be easy. No one finds those situations easy. But keep in mind you are not responsible for how he feels. Taking on the responsibility for other people's feelings keeps your own feelings from being counted. You can't care for yourself if you are always worried about the other guy. Mark is a big boy. If he wants to continue to pursue you, he is opening himself for whatever response you may have, good or bad. That is on him. Let him own it. You have already made your position clear and he is not listening. Telling him how you feel needs to be nice but straightforward. "This is not going to happen between us, period" kind of thing. If you want to write it out first and practice, I'd be glad to help.

 

I believe someday you can have someone who will help you, Rose. Dave is who he is, he probably won't change. But when you move on one day, you can have the peace you want and maybe find someone who is a life partner who cares for you like you deserve.

 

I'm glad Poppy's room is done! Isn't that a good feeling?

 

Good night Rose,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Happy weekend! Phew, I’ve had a busy day toing and froing with the kids, rehearsals, getting my netbook fixed (that was soo scary, I couldn’t turn it on this morning, not at all, it upset me all day, imagining being without it, but I took it to the shop later this afternoon, and he took the battery off, held down the on button for 30 secs, and hey presto! Dumping static apparently!) Shopping with Poppy... I’ve got her curtains today, cream with an embossed pattern in a darker shade of cream. I usually make them, but these were a bargain! It certainly is a good feeling now we are done with the heavy stuff, just the prettifying left to do.

I’ve mislaid my blue keyring, my connection to you, and I wanted to find something else today. I still have my red and blue marbles, but just wanted something else blue. We went into a crystal shop and found the perfect stone, a blue goldstone, which is apparently a man made gemstone that has been around since the European Renaissance. Early monks working at a glass factory near Venice, were practicing alchemy (trying to make gold!)when molten copper accidentally tipped into a molten glass container. This crystallized into thousands of tiny crystals and formed a melt with golden light sparkles. This is how the first goldstone came about. (I’ve done a little research) Also, check this out:

Blue Goldstone Gemstone Meanings - Emotional, Spiritual, etc.

Blue goldstone is a lucky gemstone.
Blue goldstone is great for providing composure.
Blue goldstone aids transformation of thoughts from one person to another.
Blue goldstone is good stabilising emotions.
Blue goldstone is good for giving energy.
Blue goldstone is associated with learning and communication
Blue goldstone helps remove or repel unwanted entities from your environment.
Blue goldstone is the gemstone of wisdom and science, helping us remember the light within the darkness and showing us to reach for the stars.

Blue Goldstone Gemstone Meanings - Healing, Medical, Physical, etc.

Blue goldstone is good for lifting depression.
Blue goldstone eases pain of arthritis, rheumatism and other
aches and pains.
Blue goldstone is great for anxiety.
Blue goldstone helps with pain and inflammation.

And it looks like this: http://crystal-cure.com/goldstone.html

Anyway, thought you’d be interested. It’s so beautiful, deep blue, next best thing to a sapphire, and feels wonderfully soft and polished, lovely to hold in my hand. Sorry, enough!

I still haven’t texted Mark. I feel I should, get it over with. But I’ll leave it til tomorrow, too tired right now. D has been earning some money today for a change, but no sign of a cheque, so I assume cash, to be kept close to his buttocks no doubt! (I hope you get my drift!) Not too many beers on his way home tonight, can’t imagine why, but I feel I can safely ask him to pick Sam up from work later and I can get to bed. Can’t wait. By the way, the ginger wine did me no favours, it had me very restless ( RLS- I hate it), at least I assume it was the wine, it’s been better since I’ve not had it.

I hope you like my new blue stone, I wish I could send you one, they are really lovely.

Goodnight Kate

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I've changed server so I can upload a pic. This looks black, but it's very dark blue. Mine is almost shaped like this, about malteser size, but not spherical. Smile Thinking of you (funnily enough!)

Rosegraphic

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it sounds like you had quite a day! I am glad you were able to get your computer fixed. Isn't it strange how some people just know how to fix computers?!

 

Poppy's room sounds beautiful. I love cream color and I bet it looks so good with her newly painted walls.

 

The stone is really pretty. I can just see the deep blue (I'm glad you told me about it!). That is quite a history about the stone and goldstone. I never knew any of that. There are so many discoveries that started off as accidents!

 

I will have to take a look around to see if I could find a stone like the one in the picture.

 

I'm glad Dave was able to help you out finally tonight. I hope you got some good rest as a result. It must have been a great relief.

 

It's fine you haven't responded to Mark. You told him how you felt already so he should be aware of how you feel.

 

Have a good night! And thank for sharing the stone with me.

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I hope you've had a lovely day today. We've visited family in Torquay, a challenging day in the company of parents, brother and family, sister and family, and of course Dave. All too much for me, I came home and crashed for the whole evening. Dave out...

til tomorrow, goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Visiting family is always interesting, isn't it?! If you want, let me know all about it next time you post.

Have a good night!

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Yes! Interesting....My parents offered to drive us, Sam was at work, so just D,P and me. Poppy sat between us and linked arms with D, and held my hand, a show of solidarity to us both. There was no conversation on the journey, I don’t travel well, and felt ill almost immediately, D and P were listening to her ipod, and my parents are both deaf, so we know better than to try and talk from the backseat!

My sister was there with her 4 children (12,10,7,5) and husband; my brother with his 3 youngest (3,5,15), his wife was ill with food poisoning. We were visiting my dad’s second generation cousins who have a fantastic house with an indoor swimming pool overlooking Torbay, a bi-annual get together. There has always been a lack of love between my sister’s husband R, and my brother RJ and D. However, they gravitated towards each other, and spent the afternoon talking.

The kids all had a great time in the pool. I sat on a table with the brothers in laws, opposite D, with cousin’s husband P and my dad. I spoke not a word, and couldn’t wait to leave that table, and join my sister, mum and cousin Su. Su was lovely, we had a long heart to heart and she cried with me. I was sorry to upset her.

My brother seemed very angry with his older daughter. He was cross with her for not paying her little brother and sister her undivided attention while in the pool. He was very cross with her for not drying them and helping them get dressed, so that he could talk; instead she wanted to be with her older girl cousins (Poppy and Jessie), and not have to be mum. Poppy heard him talking to her in such a way, and told me he was out of order with his harsh treatment of her (not dissimilar from D’s treatment of her, I thought, though not in public.) It just made me remember the times that he was that way with me. He didn’t look at me, nor speak to me once, no greeting, no goodbye. Maybe it’s my fault, even now.

A week ago you wrote ‘Regarding your parents, how do you feel about their roles in your life? Do you feel you identify with either of your parents more than the other?’ Well, I feel that they still dominate my thoughts and actions, I feel that I have to have their OK, go-ahead, that I need their approval. It is good in some ways to have them as neighbours, but not so in others. I feel sad that the children don’t like them, that they are afraid of getting things wrong, being told off. They can’t be themselves, have to be quiet, wouldn’t let them babysit, never call on them for treats and cuddles (there never were any) are anxious when they come and visit, keep out of their way, or try to please them with something they have made or achieved. Even at my age I try to only share achievements, plus’s, that’s why I could never share my troubles at home until my sister told them earlier this year, then I had no choice. D was only talked about in a positive way, that he was a good earner, had plenty of work, a good father.

I would feel freer to be myself, make my own decisions, follow my desired path if I didn’t feel they still dominated my life with their undercurrent of displeasure and control. I was summoned for coffee again this morning, they wanted to know a few things. Mum said I should find him a room, how about at the pub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said Poppy is trying to keep us together, Dad said good for Poppy, so you should. I changed the subject.

I identify more with my dad. I make a conscious effort not to identify with my mother- if I feel there is a little bit of my mother creeping in then I am very hard on myself. I will NOT be like my mother, I am crying to think that that might be so, ever in my life. I want to be kind, gentle and warm, not scare and repel. I was never proud of my mum, couldn’t talk happily about her to my friends, they would rather not come into my home, and I’d rather not invite them. My children have both told me they are glad that I am their mum (that they’re glad my mum isn’t their mum), so I am happy for that. But she is the only mum that I have, and I should accept her, as I have, and always will.

Til later,

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like there are a lot of interesting dynamics that are going on with your family get together. A lot of strong personalities within the same small area, all interacting in conflictual or healthy ways.

 

I was interested in the way you responded to the people around you. You mold your behavior according to what is happening in your immediate surroundings. In the car, you were quick to note that talking was not a good idea (given that you felt ill, this was a good thing anyway!). And once at the party, you were sitting with people you did not want to be with and could not wait to get away from. Did you feel the need to stay with them for a length of time? If so, why?

 

Then your reaction to your cousin speaking with you about your troubles. You took on her response as your fault. What makes her crying with you your fault?

 

Your brother's interaction with his daughter is very telling. He seems to have learned his behavior from your parents. Very critical and demanding. Pawning his responsibility as a parent onto his daughter then blaming her for wanting to be a normal teenager. If this is an example of what you grew up with, then it is easy to see how your relationship with Dave is similar to what you are used to with how you were treated.

 

Your brother ignoring you is also significant. He seems unable to move beyond feeling angry and controlling to allow others to be themselves, including you. Does it seem to you that he treats you very similar to how your parents and Dave treat you? Or does it seem different?

 

Your relationship with your parents seems to have remained very much the same as when you were a child. What do you feel keeps you looking for their approval? And if they did approve, how would that change things for you?

 

Their view on your marriage with Dave differs a lot, with you mother having the more healthy view of what is going on it seems! It is significant that your father does not feel the normal response to Dave's actions. Most father's feel the need to protect their daughters, even as adults. Your father does not seem to have this response to your marriage. Do you feel it is because he thinks his role is to not "rock the boat", in your marriage or his own?

 

How do you feel your parents maintain control of your life? What happens if you do not respond to them when they want you to?

 

I know that is a lot of questions and you can answer when you feel ready. But this is an important part of the process of moving away from dependence towards independence. You are already independent in many ways, more so that a lot of people. But they are only parent approved and Dave approved ways. The key is to develop independence in the Rose approved, and therefore normal, ways. Doing that will improve or even eliminate your depression and anxiety. It is a steady process but a very good one.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

Why does this upset me so?

I was sitting with the 2 youngest children, keeping them happy, helping them eat. The men were all at my table, we were eating, they were talking, I wasn't involved, not part of it. I felt OK til the children finished eating, then felt out of place. I didn't feel I could move until I'd finished eating, I was sitting with my dad, though he was listening to the men. When he finished eating he came over too.

My cousin was surprised at my current state of health, she said I have always appeared in good spirits, and she has always thought of me as strong. She was saddened to know that this isn't so, and I feel that maybe I should have kept it from her. I'm not who she thought I was.

My brother was sent to a very expensive highly rated all boys boarding school. My sisters and I were sent to the cheapest unrated convent school. He met expectations, and I didn't. My brother is a stranger to me, he doesn't seem to want to know me, make things right, find the missing link. I am very anxious in his company, and thinking about him is making me cry more than all others. I feel comfortable in my parents company. I can be myself, I can relax. Dave, well he can treat me well, but I forget.

I'll leave parents and approval for another time. This family stuff is really hurting, I don't quite get it. Thank you for your careful post, as always.

Good night

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it is because you were taught and had it repeatedly reinforced that you are unworthy. Because of how you grew up, you had only a few choices. You accepted what you were told and believed it, or you fought back and dealt with those consequences. Those are the choices of most abused children. Many choose to accept that they are unworthy because it is the safest route to survival. And there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Accepting blame for your cousin's response to your health problems is another part of the abuse you suffered. This is because you were taught that everything was your fault and that you could not meet expectations, no matter what you did. So you accepted blame. Your brother, on the other hand, was treated differently. Apparently in your family the women were to be minimized and the men put on a pedestal. Your brother reacted just as you did- he accepted what he was told about himself and took it on as his personality, not realizing the consequences. He still is carrying out this message with his daughter by how he treated her at the gathering.

 

Children learn only what their parents tell them. They know no other way. They have no way of knowing that in other families it is different. Imagine if you raised Poppy and Sam differently. So instead of love and encouragement they got hate and beatings. Imagine how differently they may have turned out. It was the same for you. Children play out the drama of their childhood. Whatever good treatment or abusive actions their parents bring into their upbringing is what the children respond to. And as they grow up, the defense mechanisms and coping skills they learned are what they continue to use until they learn differently and change. This is what you had to deal with. Your family dynamics show the dysfunction that your parents brought into the family and continue to be played out today. You are changing but at this point, it seems no one else is. You are becoming aware of the differences and it hurts. This is normal. Feeling the pain and understanding how it should have been different for you is how you grow.

 

This is good, Rose. It hurts but you are growing and learning about how it should have been. We can take it as fast or slow as you need to.

 

Have a good night,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you for your post, as always, yes I understand a bit better, why I hurt, find it tough

Just done with skype session. I find it hard working with issues across a whole week after being able to just have a few days in between when we were talking twice a week. I found it very difficult talking about my brother and parents, I just didn't seem to be able to put what I was feeling into words and tell her how it is and was. Never mind. We did get some stuff sorted, and now I'm 'done'.

I hope you are OK. I had a tedious day with Alexis today, too much time at the supermarket! I could do with her wheelchair sometimes!!

Til tomorrow

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like there was some difficulty with your therapy. I was thinking that it might be a good idea to share some of the posts you write with me. You don't have to tell her that it was to me if you don't want, just that you wrote down how you felt. It may help you keep things straight or at least give you a guide to follow. What do you think?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

Great minds think alike!! I did pull up my post to you about last week when I felt so bad for Sam, and read it out to her. I told her I'd journalled, which I have! I find it very useful to read my posts to you before my session so I jog my memory. But my writing about the weekend wasn't so easy to use, so I just closed my eyes and went for it as best I could!! I'm not sure where I am with that now, there was so much going on in my head I didn't know what to say first, and it didn't come out nearly as comprehensively as I can write!

I've chased the bus for Sam, dropped P down to her friends house, still in my PJs, and now I'm glad to be back in bed. D hasn't stirred yet, he can get his own coffee this morning. I don't know where I'd be without my own room, I am so pleased to be able to shut the door and have peace and aloneness when I want it. I slept badly last night, dropped off easily for once, but was awake at 4.27. Why is it always the same time when I wake in the night- it never ceases to amaze me when I look at the clock, it is ALWAYS 4.27! Quite bizarre. I didn't take more analgesia last night, couldn't seem to make myself sit up to take the pills like I have been lately, so I guess I have myself to blame for not sleeping well after that. So I'm treating myself to more bedtime, and avoidance tactics!

Sam's appointment for CAMHS came through yesterday with some questionnaires for him, me, and his teacher. We have 4 weeks til then, but he has his first counselling appt in 2 weeks. He seems happy that things are moving at last. Maybe they'll say he's fine, stop worrying, but at least we'll know and I'll be able to tell myself that I've done all I can to help him.

Til Later

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We have a UK Mental Health Charity called SANE, and everyday they post a new picture depicting a black dog as a metaphor for depression, a constant companion. Some of the pictures are great, I don't know if this link will take you to see them, but I'll try. They are taken from a book, there are 60 of them so far, just thought you might like a look, some of them are so spot on!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, good morning, or afternoon, for youSmile

 

That is an interesting site for SANE. I find their prediction about depression a bit depressing! I have not heard about that before. But it's good to have support and understanding about depression. It is a difficult illness to cope with and any help is good.

 

It sounds like you did well with therapy. Every effort is a good effort. You can never fail unless you don't try and you keep trying. Even if you and I practice before your sessions to help write out what you want to talk about (or even ideas about what to talk about) that would help.

 

I'm glad Sam's appointment is soon. I feel so bad that there is so much trouble getting appointments. People suffer needlessly with such a system. It is hard here, but there are more choices. The offset is that there are people without any insurance. No easy answers, is there?

 

If you want, we can talk more about the weekend to help you sort it out. I'll be here at my usual time if you want to post.

 

Have a good rest!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

today is a day when nothing is working, not my body nor my head. I lay in bed resting all morning, sleep wouldn't come, and then wondered why I struggled to get up. Maybe it's the weather, raining and cold. The weather has adverse effects on fibro, and moods I guess. So I am way down today, nothing specific, but my head won't put a sensible post together, so I guess I'll try again later.

Thank you for your response, it's always so good to hear from you. And I LOVE my blue goldstone. I hope you can find one too. :) Hope you're having a good day

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Sounds like one of those days. Sorry to hear it. I hope it passes quickly and you feel better soon.

 

It's rainy and cold here too so I understand how you feel. We can talk later if you are feeling better.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Why is it when I feel like this there are no words? but it is when I need you most. Please talk to me about something.... tell me about Thanks Giving (is it like our harvest festival) and what is Black Friday (sounds dreadful?!)

Is it OK to pray for yourself? I do need help.

Goodnight Kate

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ps do you know this book? It sounds interesting...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/1846140552/ref=pe_139231_27480401_as_img_4/
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

It is very normal to have no words when you feel overwhelmed by your feelings. And I believe that is what you are experiencing. You have just gone through a very intense period of facing some of your defenses. Normally, you would have dealt with Dave and your family and just used the coping mechanisms you have always used, the ones you learned as a child. You would have felt bad dealing with them, but it also would have felt normal to you. But this time, you faced the situation and through therapy and talking about your experience, you saw the situation in a different light. This has brought up all kinds of feelings, some of which are influencing you to change your reactions and therefore your defenses. This is taking a lot of your energy. It is basically reordering the way you see things. Your reaction is very normal. It will just take time for you to adjust. Therapy and recovery is a process. Allow yourself time to work it through. I will be here for you. We can talk as much as you need to.

Thanksgiving is about when the Pilgrims shared a meal with the native Indians here in the U.S. Supposedly, some of the foods we eat now were the same or somewhat influenced by the foods they ate then. The typical foods are Turkey, dressing (or stuffing as some call it), cranberry sauce, potatoes in some form, beans, bread, and something pumpkin, usually in the form of pie. It is a meal shared with as many family members as you can find to sit at the table. Some people use it as a time to invite people who have no one else. It is also common to volunteer with the homeless or others who are needy. Donating to food banks is also very common.

Black Friday is the biggest shopping day of the year and sets off the Christmas shopping craze. It is the day after Thanksgiving, which is always on the third Thursday of November. The sales fliers start by this weekend and the Sunday paper is full of them. Usually, there is some lead off deal like very cheap TVs at extremely low prices. The stores will open at some awful early hour and people start lining up the night before to be the first to get in. Usually, these deals are gone by the first few minutes since the stores only order maybe 10 of the sale items. In the last few years, people have started getting so crazy with pushing and shoving that some people have been killed. It's crazy. I went once when my kids were little for some deal my husband wanted. That was the last time I went. Ugh, it was awful!

I have not heard of the book you mentioned. I took a look at it and it seems worth a try. Are you thinking of buying it?

Yes, it is very good that you pray for yourself. God knows what you need, but he wants to hear it from you. All through the Bible, many prayed for themselves, including Jesus. He did not want to die on the cross and prayed that God would take that burden away. Tell God what you need. He will help you. If it is ok with you, I will pray for you as well.

Good night, Rose. Sleep well.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5510
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 5 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,
you never fail to lift me. Today is a little better for me and I'm trying to be constructive for a while this morning. The sun is shining and the dogs are keen to be out, so that's where I'm headed after my coffee break!
I'd forgotten that's what Thanksgiving was about. We have Turkey and trimmings for our traditional Christmas meal, with crackers (K was most interested in crackers, I was very surprised they weren't part of her Christmas!) And our Harvest festival sounds similar to your Thanksgiving as a time when we donate food to the Church during the service to distribute to the homeless. And we have our crazy mad shopping session on January 1st, (actually more recently, Boxing Day), rarely any bargains til then so that the shops can make the most of people buying at full price before Christmas. Some people even start their Christmas shopping for the next year in the January sales! But like yours, they are usually a scrum.
Thank you for your prayers, I feel stronger knowing I am in your thoughts.
Til later
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better! It helps when the weather cooperates too.

 

Crackers, umm. I don't know what they are. Indulge me?

 

It's strange that shopping day for you all is January 1 (well, not strange for you, I'm sure!). Things do go on sale here after Christmas to get rid of everything that didn't sell before. You could literally shop till you drop if you had the money, and the energy.

 

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

I'll talk with you later. I hope you have a good day.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hello Kate,

 

He he! In case you wondered, crackers aren't edible. I'll tell you all about them.... our Christmas table wouldn't be complete without them.

 

In fact I've found the perfect link for you, to a website created by a primary school.

http://woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/Xmas/crackers.html I've found crackers on Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Robin-Reed-530-Christmas-Crackers/dp/B004FQJ2WW/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_2 , but they look quite expensive. I usually pay about £10 for 6, bc after the event, wearing the hat for a few hours, reading the jokes/mottos and trying the puzzles etc (though the kids like to collect together all the 'presents', and some are actually rather useful, again depends on how much you pay for them), they all get thrown away! I have made them myself before, you can buy the cracking strips, and use toilet rolls for the tubes, then you can put a specific gift inside each cracker, put names on them, and they have another gift to open in a cracking good way!!! We lay them with the rest of the table, to the laft of the place setting, and crack them (in a circle as in the weblink) after our turkey, and before Christmas pudding, a well needed rest! Then we share the jokes, play the games, wear the hats, (collect all the rubbish) then eat more food! I wonder if you're up for giving them a go??? The kids would love them. Wink

 

Well, I enjoyed that.

 

Time for some zzzzzzzzzzzzs

 

Rose

 

ps Thank you

 

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I never knew such a thing existed, Rose! I really did think you meant edible crackers. Thank you for the link. I would love to get them for our Christmas. The kids would really enjoy them.

Thanks for the explanation. Enjoy your sleep!

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

I'm thrilled you like the crackers and wish to give them a bang! I hope you do, think of me as you pull them!

Back in February I had a call from a company called We Fight Any Claim. I'm sure you have them in the US too. It was out of the blue, and was telling me about PPIs that were mis-sold by mortgage companies, any money lenders in fact, and so they have a good chance that anyone they are cold-calling will have had, not just presently, but anytime in the past, been sold one of these PPIs (Payment Protection Insurance) without proper explanation of it's benefits, costs etc. Many companies are jumping on the bandwagon, and I would guess every household has had a phonecall from one company or another to try to reclaim the PPI payments; I have had several calls since then from different companies with the same claims, that I've been sold PPIs wrongfully, and I can claim it back, just need a few details, fill out a few forms etc. So, during this first phonecall, when I'm not feeling sure at all about it, the incredible salesman kept me going for a good hour, firstly establishing that they were a creditable company, and making me look up certain websites that had positively reviewed them; He forwarded me an email that had been apparently circulated throughout the office with details of this and that, to make me feel more comfortable. Then that I'd borrowed money in the past, who from, how much, then convinced me that there was likely a PPI policy sold alongside this (lenders used to do it a lot, just now banks are being hammered for it in compensation, and these companies are making a fortune on tnhe backs of it.) He then calculated, on the basis of the borrowing amount, how much I had likely paid in PPI, and therefore how much I could claim back from them. He sent me an email (all the while that I was on the phone to him) with an estimation of money reclaimed, and money owed to me after they took their fee from it. But they needed a deposit from me, 40% of the estimated figure that he had just conjured up. He needed half before the phonecall had ended, and the rest in a weeks time.

So, this phonecall was going on forever, I was saying I can't make that decision now, please let me think about it, let me talk about it with my husband. He's saying, look, what do you have to lose? If you don't have a claim, you can have a full refund, BUT if you DO have a claim, think of what you can do with the money (psychology?????), and wouldn't it be a shame to never know. I say how long? He says I can put it through as urgent. I'm crying by now, have been for a while, but still he keeps going, push push, imagine how I feel, can't put the phone down bc there might just be something in it for us, but I have to give them £2k, I say I don't have it, he says put it on your credit card, it should be done and dusted, repaid before you have to pay yopur bill; still crying, scared of what Dave will say, asking for more time to think about it, he not letting me go. I say I'm not well, can't make decisions well, I can't do it, please..... I can stand it no longer, I give in. There are more phonecalls, from this department, and that, more details to give. I feel like I'm lying, bc I don't know if these PPIs have been sold to me, I say I have no paperwork to show, it was all many years ago, why would I still have paperwork for 25 years ago if the loans have been paid back, no proof, just their surmise. I have forms to fill out, policy numbers to find, statements to make and sign to, letters from the company saying that the lenders deny selling me a PPI, I feel I am being fraudulent, I'm signing statements that I don't really agree with.

I write to them months ago to say this will go no-where. I don't hear back. I get more forms, more involved, from this Ombudsman, Financial something-or-other who can chase the money lenders that have said they didn't 'do it'. I feel bad, all this time and trouble for our past lenders who are being accused on my behalf, more than likely not responsible for anything unlawful, I get letters from them saying sorry that you aren't happy with our business, we try hard to keep our customers happy.

Another form, I phone them up, say no more PLEASE, can we have a refund. Yes you can, but since the investigation isn't complete you can have a partial refund, but we will keep the rest for our time and trouble. (read the small print! Only entitled to a full refund in the first 2 weeks, or once every avenue of pursuit has been undertaken) So I say OK, and fill out another form, saying no information, don't know. Then another form. Last week. D starts to get cross (as he has throughout, but now he's asking every few days) with them. I attempt to fill out the latest form, reading the first paragraph makes me afraid...if you don't complete this form fully, it will be sent straight back to you.... there is no way I can give them details that are 15 years old (another loan) and I don't complete the form, write them a letter to say it's impossible to take this any further, and I'd like to have a full refund.

Today I get a phonecall from them, to say that they can't give a full refund bc they haven't finished their investigation, so it will be a part refund. I say I was pushed into this 9 months ago promised it would take a matter of weeks, and here I am trying to fill in forms that I have no information for. I cry. I've had enough, I just want it to all go away, stop, give me my money back, they've had it for all this time making money for themselves, I couldn't afford it then and I certainly can't afford to lose it now. He's very kind, gave me time, wants to help me. Said he'll send the form back to me, fill it out fully as best I can (but completely), just say no information, not known, and then send it back to him, he'll then be able to say the investigation is complete, and (I hope) offer me a full refund.

D is upset about the whole affair, but I have no help/input from him. He doesn't blame me for agreeing to it, he's usually the first to jump at a chance of getting monies owed, or making money from the lottery etc.

D just home, must sign off, back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, that sounds awful. People who do things like that are master manipulators and millions of people fall victim to them every year. So you are not alone.

 

Is there an Attorney General equivalent for you to call? We have an Attorney General in each state that handles complaints about consumer fraud and abuse. Usually when they get enough calls they will go after the companies and try to get the money back. They will even shut them down. It's not a fast process but it works

.

You may also want to try any consumer agency in your government to see what they can do for you. The more information you can provide them about who you talked to, phone numbers, dates and paperwork the better.

 

I would back off from taking any calls or giving these people any further information about you. The more they can find out, the more danger you are in. You may also want to contact your credit agencies to report possible fraud and either change your accounts or put an alert on them.

 

Dave's response to all of this sounds very typical. He seems to judge all you do, but he doesn't participate or try to help. It would be very helpful if he would assist you in dealing with this but if he doesn't see a problem with companies like the one you dealt with, he may not be of much help anyway.

 

Let me know how this turns out. I'll help in any way I can.

 

Yes, I really enjoyed learning about the crackers. You teach me so many interesting things, Rose! Thank you! And I will think of you when we set them off.

 

Talk to you later,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

yes, master manipulator, spot on- I'll check out what I can do to look into this 'company'; the salesman was so adept at reassuring me they were a creditable company by telling me to look up this website and then go to this page, that paragraph, his sales pitch was faultless. But he didn't let me go, and I was not in the right mind to deal with it then, as I am barely now. I feel stupid to have gone with it, agreed, paid, I should have just hung up. But there was just that little bit of doubt that he might be right, and that's what kept me going. I asked the caller today if calls were recorded, he said they were, and that he would look into the call if I felt I was badly treated. So at least we have that, and I have dates, names, emails, letters, all preserved. i might check it out on Google in relation to scams (many people think JA is a scam!). I had 3 messages from them on my answer phone (I don't answer the phone usually), so they were dead keen to get hold of me. No, D is no help, my mess, and I can't imagine what he'll say if I don't get the money back.

Thanks for sharing your ideas with me. I wanted to tell you about it, I haven't told anybody else but D (and only then bc he had to sign forms). It has been a horrible shadow over me all year- I know it's only money, and sometimes I think I'd rather cut my losses than keep going with it.

I'm learning all sorts from you too! I love sharing with you :) :)

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Just searched a bit more about them ( I think I was afraid to before) and they are lisenced by the Ministry of Justice, who have ruled that all calls to clients must be recorded. So I feel safer, just a waiting game, for the moment anyway. Just another stress I could do without.

Goodnight Kate

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I think that is great, Rose. It's good you looked them up. I understand how you feel. Everyone who has gone through an experience like that feels the same. These people know what they are doing. They don't get so many responses if they don't. It's probably why the Ministry of Justice has an eye on them. You are not the only one by far that has thought there was something to them.

 

I'm sure now that they have someone paying attention in the government, you'll probably will get your money back. Like you said it's just a matter of time.

 

Thanks for trusting me with this situation. I am touched that you shared it with me.

 

I hope you have a good night. And don't worry, it will all work out.

 

Kate

 

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