How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

husband in a long term emotional affair

Resolved Question:

my husband has been in a long term affair of an inappropriate friendship, supposedly no sex, but did confide how he was unhappy with his marriage to her. he did console her, hug her, and kiss her, but "not with his "tongue",lol. her husband found a letter after he broke off communication with her. so he left me a copy of the letter and she basically asks him to leave me and his kids and give it a try with her? saying she knows how he doesn't love me and would be better off leaving me. I have asked him to leave for now, since I have zero trust in anything he says, I don't believe they didn't have sex, her husband says she admits to having a full blown affair for two years, ....what to do, how to mend, or just walk away...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Before I can help further, I need to clarify your question.

 

Has your husband shown any remorse over this affair?

 

Is he interested in repairing your marriage?

 

Are there any children involved?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
we have 4 kids 4-17 he says he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me or leave, he says he was wrong to have an inappropriate friendship, but then the kissing part came out later, the story changes, he says the other women and her husband are crazy, and it's over with her, but if it is over, did it have to exist,yes, i don't believe him about no sex, cause he knows i would leave him. how do i tust him he destroyed all the texts and evidence
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is very hard to trust when you are not even sure of what happened. And if he is not telling the truth, then he is not taking this seriously.

 

An affair of any type is breaking the marriage vows. Affairs undermine the trust of a relationship and without trust, your relationship falls apart. If your husband is not willing to tell the truth even now, then he is not serious about repairing the marriage. This is also evident by him destroying all the evidence. He is showing that he is worried about himself and the fact that he hid the truth in the situation.

 

The only way the marriage can ever work is if your husband is completely open and honest about the affair. He also must tell you what you want to know. And he must be available to you whenever you need reassurance that he is where he says he is.

 

He must also be motivated to regain your trust. He can do this through working towards repairing the damage he has done. The first step is ending all contact with this other woman. That means all texts, emails, phone calls or other contact. He must be willing to show you his phone and allow you access to his computer and messages.

 

The next step is to see a counselor. The counselor can help mediate how to repair your relationship. They can guide you and offer insights and suggestions on how to handle the bumpy road back to trust. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. If you attend church, your pastor may be able to help. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Another step is for your husband to find out why he had this affair in the first place. It is common for the cheating spouse to try to blame the affair on the marriage or other spouse. But problems in a marriage are not solved by affairs. Affairs happen because the problem was mishandled by the cheating spouse and instead of facing it and resolving it, they took a self centered approach and cheated. So resolving the reason behind your husband's behavior will help prevent the behavior in the future.

 

You can also work on this at home. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

 

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

 

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria Harris

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Take your time and see if your marriage can be repaired. Since there are children involved, it is worth the effort to try. If your husband does not participate, it may mean the end of the marriage. But if he is willing, then it is very possible for your marriage to survive.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education