How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Mina Your Own Question

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
35302356
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Mina is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi Mina! I would like to ask if grandson refuses to go to school

Resolved Question:

Hi Mina! I would like to ask if grandson refuses to go to school and his parents I feel are being made helpless due to the fact that they are afraid that if they pressure him he will act out by braking things or he threathens suicided and it scares them. They did call on him the police but I guess it did not scared him. They did have a scheduled appointment for a special school for him but he refused to go to the appointment. I feel that they should not ask but take control and get special transportation and take him to the school. My daughter tell me that the therapist told her that he cant be made to go for therapy or to the school unless he accept it and he has not "hit the bottom". I know the parents fear that he could comitt suicide since he threathens to do so or he might start breaking things in the house. The father called on him the police but the police tried to talk to him and that was that. My daughter and her husband started therapy but I do not understand that they cant take charge and make the difficult decision to have him placed whether he wants or not at this point. What do you think.? I think that keeping him at home and not having any consequences is not good. He still has his expensive bike, phone, computer and I do not know where he gets the money to buy pot. It seems a horrible situation. I worry but I do not know what else to do. I was going to help financially for the special school.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.

Hello again and apologies for the delay in coming back to you.

 

I would need to agree with the therapist that his parents could not possibly pressurize him more in an effort to go to school. This would be most likely counter productive and could have devastating effects that are difficult to predict. In the same way he could not be made to go to therapy as this would not work. I do understand your concerns and I think that you also have a point there, that certain structures would need to be in place. If for example refuses to take on the responsibilities for his age then his parents would need to make him understand that he needs to choose how he is going to live his life and support himself. They could discuss this with him and tell him that if he refuses school then he would need for example to work and make his living. Of course all of his financial support would need to stop apart from the basics such as food and accommodation, which I would assume are already provided since he lives at home. If they are not giving him money then he may be stealing the money from them for drugs without them knowing. This needs to be addressed. Basically, he needs to be told that he can make his own decisions if he wants to but this has certain implications such as that he needs to make his own living. there should also be strict rules about not doing drugs at home.

 

It sounds like his parents are struggling with boundaries and I think that they are doing the right thing to see a therapist. he/she may be able to help them manage the situation and hep them to present to their son with a consistent structure and plan/strategies that they will both agree on and be on board with. This is a difficult situation and they need all the help and support they need.

 

Hope that helps

 

Please feel free to share any feedback on this. I wish you all the best

 

Mina

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
shouldn't they take away his phone and computer since he is not doing anything?

If he threatens suicide or start to break things what should the parents do? that is the reason that they are afraid to take away his computer or his phone? what consequenses should they impose on him if he refuses to follow on his parents request?
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
taking away his computer or phone would be considered punitive actions and most likely would not help as the message should not be "we are punishing you because you do not adhere to our rules". However, not paying for his phone for his example or his internet connection and other "luxuries" etc could be part of the message that they may need to consider giving which would be "if you do not accept to go to school and do what other adolescents your age are supposed to do, then you are going to be treated as an adult and you are responsible to find the way to make your own living". If he threatens to commit suicide when his parents try to remove some of his "luxuries" then it is most likely a manipulative way to get his own way. His parents can tell him that if he feels this way then this means that he is suffering and that they would like to help him by arranging therapy for him or even family therapy for the whole family together. If he threatens to smash things then he needs to know that he will need to find a way to pay for the damages.

It is a difficult situation because as I think you understand, these situations do not develop in one day. I would imagine that his parents have always struggled with his discipline. Therefore, they need the specialist help to understand how to start making some changes in the way they interact with him. Just a simple example that parents often ignore is not to raise your voice to your child and learn how to apply discipline without shouting, as if you shout then the message you give to your child is that the child has the power over you and to make you lose your temper. It sounds like his parents have given in to these behaviors many times so now he knows that by threatening and smashing things, he can get away with it. So they need to be calm, consistent, clear and make new arrangements with him that are based in mutual respect. If he choses not to respect these new arrangements then he needs to know that there are no other options for him if he wants to continue living at home.
I do feel that you need to encourage his parents to engage in therapy and possibly look for family therapy as this would give them the chance to communicate things more effectively between them. It would also benefit them to meet individually with a therapist to discuss about behavioral management of their son and how their attitude needs to change.

Hope that helps

All the best

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
Mina and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Mina
Mina
Clinical Psychologist
188 Satisfied Customers
Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults