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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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I have trust issues in relationships

Resolved Question:

I have trust issues in relationships because of all the things a have done in past relationships. My girlfriend ended it with me because she says i dont trust her. i do trust her more than anything and i know she would never do anything she shouldnt but sometimes i still think things. i always expect the worst case scenario.  but she says i need to go fix my issues and its not something she can help me with. what do i do to fix this and get her back? i need to show her i have changed and i need to her know i do trust her.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 5 years ago.

You hit the nail on the head when you said you always look at the worse case – this kind of distorted thinking leads to false perceptions, and thence to distrust.

I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Once she knows that you understand what is wrong with you, and that you are actively having therapy to fix it, she may well start to change her mind

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok a few more questions and i will be happy to accept your answer. this problem i have, do you think it is something that i can fix and change? and is this something i need to do on my own or is she overreacting by breaking up with me and not wanting to work through this? my ultimate goal is to salvage this relationship. its is serious and we are in love and were planning to be together forever, but she said love isn't enough that my trust issues were too big. so she said to go fix them, she wasnt going anywhere.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 5 years ago.
You can change - but not on your own - that is why I suggest CBT. You will not be on your own, you'll have great support from your therapist.

She is not over-reacting. How would you feel in a relationship where your wife did not trust you? Relationships that work are built on trust. It is critically important, and if you don't fix this now, it will probably taint every relationship in your life.
Norman M. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
so i should try CBT and is there anything else that might help my trust issues? i am willing to do whatevere it takes to fix this relationship.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
i accidentally hit accept before my follow up questions were answered.now i cant get an answer to my follow up questions.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

is there anything else i can try to fix this relationship? i am willing to do whatever it takes

Expert:  Norman M. replied 5 years ago.
Not really - the CBT will help you sort your issues out, and the mere fact that you are in therapy will be the strongest possible indication to your partner that you are serious about resolving things.

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