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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Bill, one night I asked my bf if he could see us together fir

Customer Question

Bill, one night I asked my bf if he could see us together fir the rest of our lives. Rather than answer, he threw the question back at me and I told him that if he continues to show no empathy fir how I feel, I don't see a future with him. in a
nice way, I continued to express how I felt, but he had no response and made me think I was talking to myself. I didn't want to beg him fir a response so I
went to sleep since I waited for quite some time. I haven't heard from him
since. However, the past break-ups are dictated by me always calling him and
giving in. This time I will not. However, I'm having a REALLY difficult time
moving on. I know he's not the right person for me, but it has been 7 weeks and I feel so inclined to find out if he's going with someone else. I saw his car at an expensive restaurant and although I didn't stop to go in, I feel so sick that he could have very well been on a date. What is wrong with me?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry to hear about this but proud that you have not tried to make contact. This would be the wrong step as you are not only dealing with an alcoholic but a narcissist.

Just I have thought, you would pose the question and he would turn it around as make it your issue and then not reply or have any consideration for your feelings or direction in the relationship.

The reason is that this man has no capacity to experience guilt and as with most narcissist's, they are void of a conscious which is why it is so easy for him to move right along with your life.

There is nothing wrong with you!


Unfortunatley, you have been seduced by a narcissist, you believe that people are going to treat you as you would treat them. You just made a bad choice and the pain associated with this is lingering. In time, it will pass and you will move on without this relationship.....just fine. You are grieving it in a way and as with most people, you want to not believe this has happened.

People that are most easily drawn to the Narcissist have unresolved dependency issues and the best thing that you can do is learn more about co-dependency and perhaps join a co-dependency group.

 

This link will help clarify the co-dep issues:

http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_101/codependency.htm

You will also find this helpful to understand your situation more specifically:

http://www.fightbusters.com/Narcissism_and_Codependence.html

If you can get involved with a CoDep Group, it will help you move on from this and regain your sense of balance.

I wish you the best,,,,,,,,,,,,,always feel free to reply.

Best, Bill

Bill40818.6567001968
Bill :

am sorry to hear about this but proud that you have not tried to make contact. This would be the wrong step as you are not only dealing with an alcoholic but a narcissist.



Just I have thought, you would pose the question and he would turn it around as make it your issue and then not reply or have any consideration for your feelings or direction in the relationship.


The reason is that this man has no capacity to experience guilt and as with most narcissist's, they are void of a conscious which is why it is so easy for him to move right along with your life.



There is nothing wrong with you!




Unfortunatley, you have been seduced by a narcissist, you believe that people are going to treat you as you would treat them. You just made a bad choice and the pain associated with this is lingering. In time, it will pass and you will move on without this relationship.....just fine. You are grieving it in a way and as with most people, you want to not believe this has happened.



People that are most easily drawn to the Narcissist have unresolved dependency issues and the best thing that you can do is learn more about co-dependency and perhaps join a co-dependency group.


 


This link will help clarify the co-dep issues:


http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_101/codependency.htm




You will also find this helpful to understand your situation more specifically:



http://www.fightbusters.com/Narcissism_and_Codependence.html




If you can get involved with a CoDep Group, it will help you move on from this and regain your sense of balance.



I wish you the best,,,,,,,,,,,,,always feel free to reply.



Best, Bill


 

Customer:

Dear Bill,

Customer:

How did you know he is an alcoholic? I really don't know what the true definition of an alcohoic is because I don't drink at all.

Customer:

He doesn't drink every day, but when he does, he usuallly drinks beyond the limit. Nonetheless, I never could figure out if his narcissism is from drinking too much or because he was and still is catered to by his parents. Your insight into my unresolved issues with my mom are undeniable.

Customer:

I know i must lack self-esteem for more reasons than not. I think I have a hard time with abandonment. I feel that the reason why he

Customer:

hasn't tried to resolve issues with us or has moved on is because I'm not good enough. I believe he has hooked up with a woman who is 8 years older, someone he once had an affair with; a relationship that was based on sex. This thought really hurts.

Bill :

Hi-

Bill :

Narcissists are serial infidels so it is not surprising that he has hooked up with an ex. They need continuous adoration and narcissistic supply to support their very undeveloped ability to form meaningful relationships.

Bill :

In regards XXXXX XXXXX I believe you touched on this in previous emails and it is not if you take the see the following:

Bill :

The CAGE questionnaire, the name of which is an acronym of its four questions, is a widely used method of screening for alcoholism.



Two "yes" responses indicate that the respondent should be investigated further. The questionnaire asks the following questions:



  1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?

  2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?

  3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?

  4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover


 

Bill :

He would say no #1 but the answer from someone your perspective would probably be yes

Bill :

Same with 2

Bill :

3 probably not because of narcisissm

Bill :

4 probably has.

Bill :

2 yes answers is a 93% percent diagnostic for alcohol problem or dependence.

Bill :

Regardless if he is alcoholic.....he is not suited for harmonious relationships.

Bill :

in dealing with type- read from the following. It addressed the patterns of behavior that will most likely ring very familiar. There are also a number of helpful resources for dealing with this.

Customer:

No, he wasn't having the affair in our relationship. He was having the affair when he was married.

Bill :

On of the most important thing is for you to STOP focusing on him and all the unanswered questions. Focus on YOU as trying to figure out the narcissist in your life is what makes you crazy.

Bill :

Regardless, affairs, lead to affairs. It is a serial pattern with this personality type.

Bill :

I would recommend anything written by Melody Beattie For helping you address Co-dependency issues that you should most defiantly address to move along in your life:

Bill :

This will be your home-work. Always feel free to get back to me with your progress. If you would like to arrange online chat sessions, that is also possible.

Bill :

I wish you the best, Bill

Bill :

PLEASE CLICK ACCEPT

Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Bill, I'm still having a difficult time moving on and feel obsessed to ascertain if he is going out with the old lady. I don't know why that bothers me. She is way older than me and his friend told me she is quite unattractive so why should it matter?
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.
Hi- First, having this type of preoccupation is not abnormal, as the mind always wants to clarify that the heart cannot be dealing experiencing the pain.

Feeling as though you are being betrayed or taken advantage of is what typically fuels this cyclical feeling or thought of being obsessed.

I think it may worth considering a short course of outpatient counseling to help you learn how to work through this with a Cognitive Behavioral Approach.

If you need assistance with a referral, just ask, I will be happy to help.

This is a great article that will help you.

http://peterfox.com.au/how_to_end_relationship1.html

Try and absorb this information slowly

All the best, Bill
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi- First, having this type of preoccupation is not abnormal, as the mind always wants to clarify that the heart cannot be dealing experiencing the pain.

Feeling as though you are being betrayed or taken advantage of is what typically fuels this cyclical feeling or thought of being obsessed.

Bill, can u explain this thought in a little more detail? This is a perceptive perspective and I want to make sure I fully understand your advice
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.
I am sorry that this has not been clear to you.
You are in a cycle of an abusive relationship with a predictable pattern that has been demonstrated in countless studies.

Attached is visual representation of this process.
Find your behavioral patterns in this cycle and you will see what I mean. It is never ending unless you make a choice.

http://www.hruth.org/files/library/CycleofViolence.pdf


See the free book: Breaking the Silence of abuse. It will teach you how to get out.

http://dppcregypt.com/sitedocuments/Child%20Abuse%20&%20Protection/Child%20Abuse%20&%20Protection/Breaking%20the%20Cycle%20of%20Abuse.pdf


My Best, Bill

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